To think DH is selfish for refusing to move

[TableFlowerss]

Long story short I moved to a place DH got a full time job. He worked full time and I was part time so I was happy to do this.

I work about 40-50 mins away so it’s fine to
drive, although now I’m more or less working full time, it’s starting to feel like too much.

Now with covid DH works from home so in theory it wouldn’t matter where we lived as he works remotely. So it would make sense to move nearer to my place of work as it would also save on petrol.

He point blank refuses to even discuss it. I’ve tried to bring it up and been shot down with him saying ‘you said you’d move here yada yada yada’ and I did about 6 years ago and it’s been fine, but now I’m pretty much full time at work, I’m staring to feel resentful that he won’t even discus it.

Circumstances have changed with covid and he just seems to care about himself and what he wants. I get mad when I think I can’t even bring it up without him throwing it back in my face saying ‘you said you said’.

I suppose it ends up being well he won’t do it for me or even discus it so why should I do it for him?

@Bluntness100 it seems people do behave like this in real life! Because THATS EXACTLY WHAT HE DID.

Oh god I've just seen you didn't mean men you meant women. Of course it doesn't matter if the men do it. Silly me. Should have realised.

I don’t blame him for not wanting to move based on the pandemic. It won’t last forever and although his company are discussing WFH permanently it doesn’t mean it will happen/they won’t reverse their decision in the future/he wants to leave/they go under etc.

There are a couple of papers (looking at you Guardian) with ridiculous stories claiming ‘everybody’s’ moving due to Covid. In reality most moves were planned before lockdown and we’re in a pent up demand phase. Most people don’t make such big decisions based on so many unknowns.

Not true trllmethetruth. My neighbours are moving so they can have a garden. They spent lockdown looking enviously over mine and decided enough is enough (a shame as they are lovely). Another friend of mine is trying to sell to move further out. A lot of people are moving currently.

The first £500k of a property is exempt from stamp duty until March 2021! If that's not a fantastic reason to move I don't know what is.
www.gov.uk/guidance/stamp-duty-land-tax-temporary-reduced-rates

The OPs husband has been told wfh will continue for him. He has one of the rare jobs where it doesn't make much difference obviously. Meanwhile the OPs career is NOT work from home and her opportunities are curtailed because of having a commute + kids + a husband who In the OPs words 'just seems to care about himself and what he wants'.

I'm shocked by how many if you are tying yourselves in knots trying to make her wrong for this. Women don't have to have their entire lives run by their husbands - you do know that don't you? Wanting to move when it makes little difference to one and a big improvement to the other isn't unreasonable.

The amount of BS on this thread is unreal. I'm with Bluntness100 - how many of you would really entertain moving house, kids and all, leaving clubs, lives, friends, neighbours, after school activities....the works, never mind the stress and expense of uprooting your lives, to move to an area where you don't know anyone just so your DP can save 30 minutes commute?

Answer: none of you.

@WetdreamBeliever

The amount of BS on this thread is unreal. I'm with Bluntness100 - how many of you would really entertain moving house, kids and all, leaving clubs, lives, friends, neighbours, after school activities....the works, never mind the stress and expense of uprooting your lives, to move to an area where you don't know anyone just so your DP can save 30 minutes commute?

Answer: none of you.

Yes, I am starting to think that if there were 2 threads saying the exact same thing but one is 'a woman has done this ' and the other 'a man has done this' then it would till be the man in in the wrong regardless.

And of course woman do everything it just keep on doing it then complain about doing it all but keep on doing it.

There is no way I would uproot everything to move to save 30 mins or whatever, and if it was a man saying they wanted to move then it would be 'he just has to get a new job' or 'you have to leave him he is being very controlling'

Except that it's very clear that neither of you have read all of the OP's posts.

@MiddlesexGirl

Except that it's very clear that neither of you have read all of the OP's posts.

I'm too busy looking good.

The kids are leaving nothing. Not moving schools. Not leaving friends. In fact this will be easier as they get older.

The husband is leaving nothing - he never leaves the house either. They have no local friends or support network. Her few local friends are hard to see as she's back so late. No local mutual friends.

The only thing that would change for him is wfh in a different house. He loses nothing. Not a fucking thing.

How do I know this? Am I psychic? No, the OP has written it in her posts. It's called RTFT. Or you can press the see all posts big under her name if you're easily bored and see just hers. It's all in there.

This thread is indeed full of BS. From people who don't appear to have even got to the end of post one.

@WetdreamBeliever

The amount of BS on this thread is unreal. I'm with Bluntness100 - how many of you would really entertain moving house, kids and all, leaving clubs, lives, friends, neighbours, after school activities....the works, never mind the stress and expense of uprooting your lives, to move to an area where you don't know anyone just so your DP can save 30 minutes commute?

Answer: none of you.

You're right. I wouldn't. The OP (also moving in case you've forgotten) wouldn't either.

So isn't it just a wonderful stroke of luck that this does not entail any of that! Magic really!

And of course woman do everything it just keep on doing it then complain about doing it all but keep on doing it.

Yes. This is why the OP needs to stop doing everything. She might not mind the long commute so much when she's not doing everything and responsibilities are more balanced. Ideally, her husband would make a conscious choice to assume more responsibilities, but if not she should walk out of the house and leave him to it. He's the wfh parent, he'll manage the school run since the alternative is having the kids at home with him.

She doesn't just want to move to shave time off the commute - it's partly do that she can further her career. I expect it's taken a hit because she's had DC. Now is the time for her DH to support her in rectifying that. Instead the dh wants to do nothing while the OP is continuing to do childcare and work.
When is it her turn to get career support?

I wouldn't move for the sake of Covid. It's temporary.

I also wouldn't move for the sake of your job given it's only 40 mins away.

Where do you all WANT to live? Family nearby, nice area, good schools, good amenities, affordable housing etc. That's what matters imo.

Another one. She clearly said it was a better area and one she would like to live in. Near friends. Good for the kids. She's not moving cause of Covid she wants to move because it will make zero difference to his life but improve hers immeasurably and the kids will be closer to their things - otherwise it's long commutes ferrying them around.

Does anyone ever read the OPs posts?

Draw straws, Rick paper scissors or perhaps talk to each other... Although the 3rd suggestion may be a bit out there 😉😂

EXCEPT THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE THREAD IS THAT HE WON'T TALK ABOUT IT.

It is really annoying when posters CBA to read the OP.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

It is really annoying when posters CBA to read the OP.

Couldn't agree more Mrs H. Maybe we need a sticky sub heading?

the kids wouldn't have to move schools or be disrupted
shes tried talking to him several times
His office is closing so he going to be at home from now on
he said it was temporary.

Does that cover it do you think? Or will they not bother reading that either in their rush to say she should just be a good little wifey and do what hubby wants?

So many women are settling for being treated like shit by their partners and too many women on MN think this okay. He might not agree to move but he has absolutely no right to refuse to discuss it at all!
There's another thread where some poor women is being shipped at because she had a day off work. She used it to Christmas shop for their kids and his parents and he gets 2 evenings per week plus Sunday morning to himself and there are still people telling her she is bring unreasonable!

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

So many women are settling for being treated like shit by their partners and too many women on MN think this okay. He might not agree to move but he has absolutely no right to refuse to discuss it at all! There's another thread where some poor women is being shipped at because she had a day off work. She used it to Christmas shop for their kids and his parents and he gets 2 evenings per week plus Sunday morning to himself and there are still people telling her she is bring unreasonable!

Yes, there is a shocking amount of misogyny and "poor menz' rubbish posted on MN - and I can almost tell the name of the poster by reading their "cool wives" spiel. The truth is that most women take on the full mental load of life and support their DH in careers and also work themselves and use their spare time to mind the family, whereas the DH uses his to cycle or golf or faff about. Now, either these women posting do not have DHs like this, or they happily tolerate it.

I know, from the experience of my own parents, that the end result is a woman who is a shell of herself, a man who sails through life and a woman who dies at an age 21 years younger than her DH. So pardon me if I encourage women to expect more.

@Glinnerisgreat. Completely agree. The commute is only part of the picture. The "poor menz" often avoid the huge stress that comes from having to organise and herd reluctant DC and then get to work on time (and vice versa for school and nursery pick-ups).

Before lockdown and wfh, I was working part-time 9-5 in central London. I absolutely had to be there at 9 for my job, turning up late was simply not an option. DH would leave at 7am and rarely home before 10. Some would say I had the cushier deal. But in order to get to work on time, I'd have to organise DC for nursery, make breakfast and be on the nursery doorstep on the dot at 8am waiting to drop off. If DC overslept/was uncooperative, it was a disaster. I'd then run for my train and would usually squeak into work at 8.55 and then have four hours of meetings solid (due to the nature of my work) before I could even grab a coffee or take a loo break. Leaving work was a huge stress as I'd have to start slowly edging out the door at 4.50 to make sure I wasn't late for the nursery (which caused some friction with senior staff even though I'd okayed it with management). I'd be sprinting for the station again and praying the trains were running on time. When there were transport problems, I'd have to ring round desperately trying to call in a favour to get a friend to pick up DC on short notice and then letting nursery know so they'd actually release them and not call social services. After picking up DC at 6, it was then home at 6.30, make dinner, do bath time and bedtime, then 3-4 hours extra work in the evening to catch up on my workload (because "part-time" never really means part-time). DH frequently acknowledged this extra stress by messaging to ask me, "Did everything go ok this morning? Hope you got there on time?"

Whereas DH (now back in the office) gets into work by 8, have a leisurely breakfast at his desk, catches up on his emails in peace and quiet, goes for coffee at his work buddies and stays in the office until his work is done. If he's working late, he can order food in. He may get home at 10pm, but I sleep a lot less than he does.

[quote Minimumstandard]@Glinnerisgreat. Completely agree. The commute is only part of the picture. The "poor menz" often avoid the huge stress that comes from having to organise and herd reluctant DC and then get to work on time (and vice versa for school and nursery pick-ups).

Before lockdown and wfh, I was working part-time 9-5 in central London. I absolutely had to be there at 9 for my job, turning up late was simply not an option. DH would leave at 7am and rarely home before 10. Some would say I had the cushier deal. But in order to get to work on time, I'd have to organise DC for nursery, make breakfast and be on the nursery doorstep on the dot at 8am waiting to drop off. If DC overslept/was uncooperative, it was a disaster. I'd then run for my train and would usually squeak into work at 8.55 and then have four hours of meetings solid (due to the nature of my work) before I could even grab a coffee or take a loo break. Leaving work was a huge stress as I'd have to start slowly edging out the door at 4.50 to make sure I wasn't late for the nursery (which caused some friction with senior staff even though I'd okayed it with management). I'd be sprinting for the station again and praying the trains were running on time. When there were transport problems, I'd have to ring round desperately trying to call in a favour to get a friend to pick up DC on short notice and then letting nursery know so they'd actually release them and not call social services. After picking up DC at 6, it was then home at 6.30, make dinner, do bath time and bedtime, then 3-4 hours extra work in the evening to catch up on my workload (because "part-time" never really means part-time). DH frequently acknowledged this extra stress by messaging to ask me, "Did everything go ok this morning? Hope you got there on time?"

Whereas DH (now back in the office) gets into work by 8, have a leisurely breakfast at his desk, catches up on his emails in peace and quiet, goes for coffee at his work buddies and stays in the office until his work is done. If he's working late, he can order food in. He may get home at 10pm, but I sleep a lot less than he does.[/quote]
OP,

Why would you settle for this?

I cannot understand how women bother to have children with men like your husband.

That level of stress is just awful.

You are in fact a single parent.

Surely live in child care would be easier.

I certainly wouldn't be having a second child with anyone so hands off when it comes to his child.

Mind yourself.

@billy1966. I wasn't trying to moan, just show that working hours don't explain the whole story of who's carrying the greatest burden in a marriage .

In the OP's case, I'm not sure what their overall set-up is or who does the most chores or childcare.

In our case, both DH and I were pretty stressed out pre-lockdown tbh. He had a month of getting home after 1am. Apart from two months or so of combining work and childcare, lockdown and working from home have been good for us. DH has gotten the chance to spend a lot more time with DC and (after a rocky start) has been a great help around the house. Though he's back in the office now . Working from home is a godsend for me in particular since I don't have the commute to worry about.

Why do I settle for it? Largely money at the moment. DH's job is very well-paid and we're saving for a lifestyle change in a few years time that will give us both a much better work/family balance. So it's short-term pain for long-term gain.

@Minimumstandard
I didn't think you were moaning at all.
Your day sounded horrendously stressful.

It wasn't clear from your post that this was a brief period and historical.

I think that type of long hard day on your own is so hard for women.

Best of luck👍

@billy1966. Thank you . And you're right...It was awful. So much time actually physically stressed. Lots of my friends were/are still doing this five days a week (I was only ever doing it 3 days max). So that's literally 10 hours a week spent suffering extreme stress... Am I going to make it to work on time? Am I going to make it back to do nursery pick-up on time? Earlier in the year, DH and I had discussed changing to a part time nanny to reduce the pressure (not an option for everyone, I know, since costly), but then lockdown happened.

It's still hard, but more manageable now DS is back at nursery and I can do bits around the house during the day and don't have the commute pressure. But I still don't think DH would say he has it tougher than me, even with his long hours and commute.

Yes and no.

He should at least discuss it but I can understand why he doesn't want to move - it's a lot of hassle esp. in Covid times.

I'd be in Rightmove every day sending him links to lovely houses.