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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is selfish for refusing to move

211 replies

TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 15:07

Long story short I moved to a place DH got a full time job. He worked full time and I was part time so I was happy to do this.

I work about 40-50 mins away so it’s fine to
drive, although now I’m more or less working full time, it’s starting to feel like too much.

Now with covid DH works from home so in theory it wouldn’t matter where we lived as he works remotely. So it would make sense to move nearer to my place of work as it would also save on petrol.

He point blank refuses to even discuss it. I’ve tried to bring it up and been shot down with him saying ‘you said you’d move here yada yada yada’ and I did about 6 years ago and it’s been fine, but now I’m pretty much full time at work, I’m staring to feel resentful that he won’t even discus it.

Circumstances have changed with covid and he just seems to care about himself and what he wants. I get mad when I think I can’t even bring it up without him throwing it back in my face saying ‘you said you said’.

I suppose it ends up being well he won’t do it for me or even discus it so why should I do it for him?

OP posts:
FelicisNox · 01/10/2020 18:20

It doesn't matter what you said 6 years, that was then and things have changed.

He is being very unreasonable: you moved for him and it's time for him to return the favour. A marriage is a partnership and he needs reminding of that.

Tell him: I don't care what I said 6 years ago, the status quo has changed and now it's time to repay the favour and the house is going on the market. Suck it up or I will leave you and live where I like and this house will be sold as part of the divorce so either way you lose.

Pinkfluff76 · 01/10/2020 18:48

He sounds like an arse. Sorry OP 😐

Tiggy321 · 01/10/2020 19:01

Personally I don’t think it’s worth moving for an hours commute. I moved to a different country with my husbands job 16 years ago - it was meant to be short term! Most people commute 30 mins minimum I would imagine

Hopefully67 · 01/10/2020 19:14

He’s being very stubborn...

Is he this stubborn about everything?

MeteorMeatier · 01/10/2020 20:13

While I agree that he is stubborn for not hearing you out, why not look for a job closer to home? I’m lucky enough to WFH for now but my usual commute is 1hr45. Moving house isn’t as easy as trying to get a job closer to home.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 01/10/2020 20:30

Maybe OP really like her job and doesn't want to give up the opportunity for career progression. Why should she have to change jobs because her husband refuses to have a discussion, like a grown up?
She might be better off keeping the job and changing the husband.

Roowig2020 · 01/10/2020 21:04

He's unreasonable for not even discussing it but I wouldn't move if the only reason is to reduce a 40 minute commute. That's fairly standard (even low?).

We're currently relocating to another country and the stress and cost is awful! I don't think I'd put myself through this unless there were more / better reasons:
Family/ support network
Bigger/ better house
Nicer location
Better schools
Job opportunities

Aridane · 01/10/2020 21:29

YABU

Ddot · 01/10/2020 22:11

Its the matter of dismissing the conversation wtf so he doesn't want to move and you do. At least talk it over, bloody cheek.

ohcarolina2001 · 02/10/2020 01:08

@LannieDuck

So you have 1 hr 20 commute every day and he has 0?

I would suggest he takes on 1 hr 20 of additional chores to even up your free time. It might help him understand your annoyance of that wasted time. And if it doesn’t, at least you’ll have offset your commute...

This. When I return to work after mat leave my new commute will be 3 hours per day (so I am very jealous of your 1 hour 20, OP!). My partner is self employed and works from home and bought this house knowing it would be a nightmare commute for me, and despite me pointing this out. It is also an hour's drive from both of our parents so we won't get any help with childcare. So I have told him that he will have to do all DC pick ups, drop offs, sick days, emergencies, plus all cooking, laundry, cleaning, gardening, DIY, car servicing, life admin, and anything else which comes up!
jwpetal · 02/10/2020 07:51

What s the outcome that you want and what are you willing to do? I would be upset that my dh would not discuss, but be clear on your end game. It may be worth doing a complete list of all the tasks and mental load you carry for the family and start ensuring that he is carrying a proportionate load. This will help in developing the big picture. Keep in the drive to work. Then discuss what quality of life you both want and currently have. Then have the discussion. If he still won't discuss or take more on, you have a bigger problem and bigger decision. I totally feel for you. My DH and I have moved countries for each other. A 20min move is not huge

timeisnotaline · 02/10/2020 07:57

Obviously, he MUST go back to the office as of Monday and do 5 days a week there from then on for the rest of his life. Because that was his job when they moved and it was not wfh and nothing is ever allowed to change. And he can drop the kids off on the way if he doesn’t already, not your problem his office is only 10 mins away.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 02/10/2020 07:59

ohcarolina2001, your partner bought a house that's massively unsuitable for you, clearly couldn't care less about how hard this will make your life and you have moved in anyway?
Once that baby is born, if he does do all the things you tell him he must do (and he probably won't since your opinion isn't a priority for him) and you subsequently split up, he has made himself the child's primary carer. Be careful.
In all honesty I'd move out and set myself up somewhere closer to my own work.

Newmumatlast · 02/10/2020 08:01

I'm super confused. Possibly being dense.

If you move, he won't then have 40min commute instead of you but will only have a commute of 10min?

Are you then suggesting not to move back to area you were previously in but a third area?

Because otherwise I dont get how moving made your commute 40-50min but his less yet his was only 10min anyway?!

Mittens030869 · 02/10/2020 08:36

I think the OP’s DH is being selfish to not take some of the load off the OP, he could easily do more of the childcare. Then the OP would be a lot less frustrated, I suspect.

He should also be prepared to engage in discussing the issue properly.

RandomMess · 02/10/2020 08:40

@Newmumatlast nope her DH WFH is expected to be made permanent and if it didn't he would only have a 10 minute commute...

Milliepossum · 02/10/2020 08:44

OP, I was you, run into the ground, looking after the children and the house, meals and washing while dealing with a gruelling commute. The children and I were always tired. My late husband wasn’t doing any of these things and didn’t care about us. I suspect he didn’t want to move because he was controlling in all sorts of ways and his refusal to discuss it caused me to go ahead with formally initiating a divorce because I was effectively a single mother anyway. He died before that was sorted so now my children and I have improved our lives considerably and are well rested which has resulted in improved performance at school. Sometimes the only answer is to not stay married if it’s going to mean you will be able to decide where you live and for your children and you to have an easier and more satisfying life. Don’t let someone else squash your choices and take away your voice. It’s great you are finally getting career opportunities and yourself back. I made the mistake for so many years of supporting my late husband but he had no regard for what I wanted because he simply didn’t care about me or respect me. You need to work out if you’ve got the same type of husband or if it’s something else.

thedancingbear · 02/10/2020 08:45

He's unreasonable for not even discussing it but I wouldn't move if the only reason is to reduce a 40 minute commute. That's fairly standard (even low?).

I suspect it has been discussed though. When the OP says 'he won't discuss it' i get the sense she means 'he won't discuss it then agree with me'. There are only so many times you can have the same conversation.

The OP's thread title is 'To think DH is selfish for refusing to move'. The nature and extent of any discussions seem to be a side issue.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 02/10/2020 09:18

It's not only to reduce a 40 min commute though, is it? Commute is only 40 mins on a good day and OP wants to take on more opportunities at work, which is difficult because they add more time to her drive.
Moving would mean her DC are closer to school. Literally the only person who wouldn't benefit is the husband. Hence his refusal to entertain the idea.

frazzledasarock · 02/10/2020 09:21

[quote RandomMess]@Newmumatlast nope her DH WFH is expected to be made permanent and if it didn't he would only have a 10 minute commute...

[/quote]
Her H’s current commute is 10 minutes.

If they moved it would be 20 minutes so she’s not proposing to move next door to her place of work but closer to it making the commutes for both more equidistant. Also would cut down on the commute for the dc’s schools so (theoretically), H could take on some responsibility towards school runs.

Having said that, a lot of work places are looking at WFH the new normal, it’s cheaper than maintaining premises in cities. So your H could be WFH forever.

Does sound to me like H, is refusing to discuss the issue as he’s got it made currently not taking parenting responsibilities as he’s got the big job. Wonder if he does much around the house at all.
But with OP’s job prospects changing the H being the main big man who brings in the household income is changing, but he doesn’t want his role to change to share the increased workload with OP.

What will you do if he refuses to discuss it still OP?

Lilybet1980 · 02/10/2020 09:31

Just make him take on more of the childcare and household responsibility and enjoy the alone time in the car!

Aglet · 02/10/2020 09:54

He's a man. What made you think he would be remotely interested in what you want? Tell him you're going anyway to see what he says.

Newmumatlast · 02/10/2020 12:00

@RandomMess @frazzledasarock thank you!

I think he's being unreasonable and an equidistant commute would be fair.

RandomMess · 02/10/2020 12:49

An equi distant commute that in all likelihood he may never have to do!!!

I would seriously make it so that you can no longer do the school run - have to go in early or something and make it so he has to help!! School run is so bloody stressful..

dontdisturbmenow · 02/10/2020 13:24

I suspect it has been discussed though. When the OP says 'he won't discuss it' i get the sense she means 'he won't discuss it then agree with me'. There are only so many times you can have the same conversation.
This is the feeling I get too. It 2as discussed but because the discussion didn't reply in an agreement to move, OP wants to continue to do so until what? He reluctantly agree for some peace and quiet?

As to say that something agreed 6 years ago becoming redundant, funny how this is never the view of posters when a man had agreed marriage or to have a child but changes his mind after a few years. He is crucified for daring going back on his words.