To think DH is selfish for refusing to move

[TableFlowerss]

Long story short I moved to a place DH got a full time job. He worked full time and I was part time so I was happy to do this.

I work about 40-50 mins away so it’s fine to
drive, although now I’m more or less working full time, it’s starting to feel like too much.

Now with covid DH works from home so in theory it wouldn’t matter where we lived as he works remotely. So it would make sense to move nearer to my place of work as it would also save on petrol.

He point blank refuses to even discuss it. I’ve tried to bring it up and been shot down with him saying ‘you said you’d move here yada yada yada’ and I did about 6 years ago and it’s been fine, but now I’m pretty much full time at work, I’m staring to feel resentful that he won’t even discus it.

Circumstances have changed with covid and he just seems to care about himself and what he wants. I get mad when I think I can’t even bring it up without him throwing it back in my face saying ‘you said you said’.

I suppose it ends up being well he won’t do it for me or even discus it so why should I do it for him?

@Swampshade

I’ve looked at the post. To me that post is saying his commute now is 10 mins (or would be if he was in the office) Always has been.

I'm not going to pick holes, I can tell you're changing some details for privacy so I'm just going to focus on the actual important thing - that he refuses to discuss. If it was me, I would probably text DH something along the lines of "we really need to talk about our housing situation now that you're working from home and I'm full time - tonight after kids are in bed?" and then don't let him stonewall you. If he walks off after dinner go find him, "we were going to discuss our commutes" etc etc.

I would present it as a discussion about commutes, don't present it as an ultimatum - try and bring him along with your reasoning, like any good politician you have to build consensus and make him feel like you're making the decision together. "I am commuting 5 days a week, 2 hours a day. You are no longer commuting but even if you start again it will only be x time for you. I propose moving to new locations A or B which would mean a shorter commute and better for the children. We can afford it, I have found these houses, let's pull up rightmove and have a look. What do you think?"

Is the wfh going to be permanent? You may not know for a year or more, and even if companies say it will be, I think some may change their mind once the pandemic is over.

Though that does not justify a refusal to talk about it, only a 'let's wait and see and then discuss it' response.

Honestly I would stay over near your work a few nights per week and he'll have to do school drop off etc.

Let him start picking up some of your work to ease your workload. Is their a Travelodge near your work?

[quote TableFlowerss]@Swampshade

I’ve looked at the post. To me that post is saying his commute now is 10 mins (or would be if he was in the office) Always has been.[/quote]
So, to clarify, you work "almost full time" and have a long commute that you agreed to. You want to move so he has a longer commute (and also works longer hours) but he's "selfish" for saying no? Urm, no. You're being selfish, not him.

Whether or not that length of commute is commonplace, or acceptable to some posters, is irrelevant.

This is about a man who refuses to discuss moving, despite their circumstances have changed considerably in the past 6 years. The changed circumstances mean that their current location is no longer the most convenient or sensible.

But he won’t even discuss it!

Obviously the only issue is him throwing his dick around and refusing to discuss the OPs unhappiness.

She isn't stamping her feet demanding anything. She wants a mature discussion and he thinks he is the boss and is shutting her down.

Time to get the flat pages out and look to live near work for the week. If he won't be an adult then she needs to start making her own life plans.

But the OP also doesn't say how long his new commute would be, if he works 10 minutes in the same direction as OPs work, then moving closer to OPs work, if we assume all commutes are linear where distance is directly proportional to time, they could move 20 minutes closer to OPs work with zero impact to the husbands commute.

So she saves 40 minutes every day with zero impact to the husbands commute.

We all know distance is not directly proportional to time so they may even be able to move closer to OPs work without an impact to the husbands commute of his work is easily accessible via A roads that aren't too busy.

Also, as the kids get older and want to see friends, engage in activities, being closer to their school and friends will be of benefit to them and aid their independence. Also assume that OP may end up doing much of the ferrying to facilitate child relationships so this may help with that also.

He needs to discuss.

Fantastic- thank you for being understanding. Very good advice too

Goodness, what a witch-hunt parts of this thread seem to have turned into.

School is on the way to my job so the closer we live to that, the less commute for my children. Please understand I don’t want to out myself that’s why I don’t want to go in to any further detail. I’m not trying to be obtuse I promise.

OP, I respect that you don't want to give any details but I suspect this is behind some of your resentment over location. You are doing all school drop offs and presumably all pick-ups as well. So the stress of making sure everyone is in the right place at the right time is falling on your shoulders. Also, it's possible depending on the age of your DC that the school run is adding to your commute - you may have to take a detour, park, walk them to school gates and then get back to your car. If you didn't have the school run and getting DC organised and in the car, it might take 10-15 mins off your commute and leave you less stressed.

I would give DH two options:

1. Consider moving; or
2. Take over responsibility for organising DC in the morning, the school run and preparing dinner in the extra 2 hours a day that he has compared to you. If your situations were reversed and it was you working from home, this would be a reasonable thing for you to do.

@Minimumstandard

Goodness, what a witch-hunt parts of this thread seem to have turned into.

School is on the way to my job so the closer we live to that, the less commute for my children. Please understand I don’t want to out myself that’s why I don’t want to go in to any further detail. I’m not trying to be obtuse I promise.

OP, I respect that you don't want to give any details but I suspect this is behind some of your resentment over location. You are doing all school drop offs and presumably all pick-ups as well. So the stress of making sure everyone is in the right place at the right time is falling on your shoulders. Also, it's possible depending on the age of your DC that the school run is adding to your commute - you may have to take a detour, park, walk them to school gates and then get back to your car. If you didn't have the school run and getting DC organised and in the car, it might take 10-15 mins off your commute and leave you less stressed.

I would give DH two options:

1. Consider moving; or
2. Take over responsibility for organising DC in the morning, the school run and preparing dinner in the extra 2 hours a day that he has compared to you. If your situations were reversed and it was you working from home, this would be a reasonable thing for you to do.

Another fantastic and helpful, understanding post. Much appreciated.

If you are doing drop offs stop it and make the WFH twat do it!

So, to clarify, you work "almost full time" and have a long commute that you agreed to. You want to move so he has a longer commute (and also works longer hours) but he's "selfish" for saying no? Urm, no. You're being selfish, not him.

The DH is now working from home, and has no commute. This may change to his having to commute maybe two days per week, if that.

When the OP agreed to their current location she was working part-time.

Working patterns have changed for both adults in this relationship. The current location is no longer the most convenient or sensible, and one of those adults refuses to discuss any change on the basis that a decision was made years ago when things were very different.

It’s like a couple agreeing to buy a one-bed flat because they have no children. 6 years later they have 2 children, but the DH refuses even to discuss buying a larger house because 6 years earlier the DW agreed to a one-bed flat.

Life happens, circumstances change and competent, considerate adults are able at the very minimum to talk about adapting to those changes.

So, to clarify, you work "almost full time" and have a long commute that you agreed to. You want to move so he has a longer commute (and also works longer hours) but he's "selfish" for saying no? Urm, no. You're being selfish, not him

@Swampshade

He works from home - he won’t have a commute!!!

4.5 days and (I suspect) the majority of herding DC is not a part-time job!

@44PumpLane

But the OP also doesn't say how long his new commute would be, if he works 10 minutes in the same direction as OPs work, then moving closer to OPs work, if we assume all commutes are linear where distance is directly proportional to time, they could move 20 minutes closer to OPs work with zero impact to the husbands commute.

So she saves 40 minutes every day with zero impact to the husbands commute.

We all know distance is not directly proportional to time so they may even be able to move closer to OPs work without an impact to the husbands commute of his work is easily accessible via A roads that aren't too busy.

Also, as the kids get older and want to see friends, engage in activities, being closer to their school and friends will be of benefit to them and aid their independence. Also assume that OP may end up doing much of the ferrying to facilitate child relationships so this may help with that also.

He needs to discuss.

Thank you for being understanding

@Minimumstandard

Goodness, what a witch-hunt parts of this thread seem to have turned into.

School is on the way to my job so the closer we live to that, the less commute for my children. Please understand I don’t want to out myself that’s why I don’t want to go in to any further detail. I’m not trying to be obtuse I promise.

OP, I respect that you don't want to give any details but I suspect this is behind some of your resentment over location. You are doing all school drop offs and presumably all pick-ups as well. So the stress of making sure everyone is in the right place at the right time is falling on your shoulders. Also, it's possible depending on the age of your DC that the school run is adding to your commute - you may have to take a detour, park, walk them to school gates and then get back to your car. If you didn't have the school run and getting DC organised and in the car, it might take 10-15 mins off your commute and leave you less stressed.

I would give DH two options:

1. Consider moving; or
2. Take over responsibility for organising DC in the morning, the school run and preparing dinner in the extra 2 hours a day that he has compared to you. If your situations were reversed and it was you working from home, this would be a reasonable thing for you to do.

I'm with Minimum here - you need to pass on the additional duties you took on when you moved, to help out your DH, no doubt, and his important "man job" .

And as for those unable to read - the OP WORKS 4.5 DAYS A WEEK and has a commute of 50 mins each way and her DH works from home.

Mind you - they won't read my post either .

OP - you have a DH problem and it is due to male entitlement - it is up to you if you can live with this long term, post covid, when we will all reset our clocks.

is he in denial that his work is now remote working? You seem to think that he is unlikely to ever return to the office, so is now permanently WFH. How does he feel about that?

Also - can you tell him instead of discussing moving, you want to talk about how to make your 'new normal' work better for you & the kids. You'll drive them to school, and do your job. He needs to spend at least an hour a day doing x,y,z so that once you & the kids get home there's a clean house & food ready after you've all been at school/work.

How would he respond to that discussion? There's obviously a sticking point here. What it is, we can only guess. It could be something more understandable, like he doesn't want to face WFH forever, or extremely selfish, like he doesn't care if you're happy so long as he isn't put to any effort. What that sticking point is, and whether you can work around it, is the important thing here.

@Seeingadistance

So, to clarify, you work "almost full time" and have a long commute that you agreed to. You want to move so he has a longer commute (and also works longer hours) but he's "selfish" for saying no? Urm, no. You're being selfish, not him.

The DH is now working from home, and has no commute. This may change to his having to commute maybe two days per week, if that.

When the OP agreed to their current location she was working part-time.

Working patterns have changed for both adults in this relationship. The current location is no longer the most convenient or sensible, and one of those adults refuses to discuss any change on the basis that a decision was made years ago when things were very different.

It’s like a couple agreeing to buy a one-bed flat because they have no children. 6 years later they have 2 children, but the DH refuses even to discuss buying a larger house because 6 years earlier the DW agreed to a one-bed flat.

Life happens, circumstances change and competent, considerate adults are able at the very minimum to talk about adapting to those changes.

Thank you so much for clarification on that. I’ve lost the will and the energy so I’m very grateful you set the record straight and nailed it x

Just wanted to say thank you to the majority of you that have been helpful and offered ideas, suggestions. It’s nice to know that others can understand where I’m coming from.

Obviously there’s always a handful that are awkward or just not very nice etc but hey ho that’s what people can be like.

So thanks all. I think DH and I will be having a chat this weekend!!

@jdoejnr1

So you work part time and want to move house to reduce the below average commute time you have? Yet he's the bad person? Also, what happens if the WFH ends? You sound massively unreasonable.

The OP has said job opportunities are opening up so not part-time permanently.

He should at least discuss it like a grown-up

Nanny - I wouldn't call 4.5 days a week part time, but maybe that's just me, lots of posters seem to think it counts as part time.

I think DH and I will be having a chat this weekend

If he refuses to engage, you could start just leaving the house early for work and messaging him that he needs to drop DC off at school .

you… have a long commute that you agreed to. You want to move so he has a longer commute (and also works longer hours) but he's "selfish" for saying no? Urm, no. You're being selfish, not him.

She agreed to it years ago.

He WORKS AT HOME. Yes I'm shouting. It seems people on here do not comprehend otherwise.

I’d be tempted to tell him that you’re thinking of moving with the children, and you’d like him to come with you, if he’s up for discussing it.

It’s totally unreasonable for one side to refuse a discussion, just because something was decided years ago. Life changes, circumstances change. He needs to be open to things.