Losing faith in Mumsnet?

[TheWho67]

People post for validation or genuine comprehension over an issue.
Replies go either way, agree or disagree, sometimes quite strongly. I've seen a lot of posts were OP has been flamed and wished they had never posted. I've been there, under a different name. I've asked Mumsnet to have more moderators, to keep things on track but I guess that wont happen. I've seen a few posts get mentioned on DM recently and think, thank god that wasn't me! Some posts get quite out of hand and once one negative post starts, other pile on.
YANBU - to think people should stick to the question asked and not unpick every single thing.
YABU - people will naturally be critical because it's on-line and not face to face and why post on a public forum if you can't handle it.

Just had another thought. It's one thing posting on a forum about a personal issue and then having it spread out on the Daily Mail! I guess it's legal but I'm sure the OP posters never intended it to be published in the daily press. Just to clarify, this hasn't happened to me but has made me very wary.

YANBU. I would never post on here for advice.about a serious issue. A lot of people posting for advice may be in a bad place and I cannot imagine what it might do for their mental health.

And while I'm here a fair bit of misogyny is creeping back in. The thread about the tired mum who didn't want sex after a date night. Some of the comments were beyond awful

I like MN but I increasingly feel it's not what it was

Depends where on Mumsnet you frequent. It is a public forum and journos come on here to lift stories, trolls are here and we are certainly watched extremely closely by some vindictive people who report us, tweet about us and generally harass us. HOWEVER, women of Mumsnet are mostly intelligent, considered, active and interesting and have achieved a lot recently (come to the Mumsnet feminist boards).

Really, the Internet isn't real life.

People who don't realise that will always be vulnerable , but they will be vulnerable in real life too .

Their boundaries are off, and I really think we help rather than hinder them.

The solution is at your fingertips.

Post the advice you think is better.

MN used to have a rather persistent troll (we all rather assumed it was someone who thought women should be nice all the time) who used to start threads in a 'you're all bitches' theme. It really did come across as an attempt to curb how women expressed themselves.

For that reason, I will defend MN as the site where women do not have to conform to societal pressure to be nice.

This site until very recently had the strap line 'the one with the swearing' because again, there weren't curbs on female voices.

Pick where you post things. AIBU is often a bun fight but there are loads of other boards.

Its gone down hill since all the tin foil hat wearers came out over covid IMO.

The daily mail thing is not a new thing. Years ago they would print a small piece about something that had been posted on here and no one ever mentioned it. Now people are like sheep in slagging off the Mail and complaining they lift stuff from here. Rarely to people say they read it yet they know an awful lot about what is written in it. Personally I think it is worse to read The Sun.

Reading skills are lacking. People think they are clever with their snide comments. Many posters can't think for themselves and take questions from other threads as they want to be the one to discover a troll. It is all pathetic really.

People shouldn't post on AIBU - MN should be harder on unpleasant posts but if someone posts on AIBU when it isn't a AIBU type of issue they can't complain.

There are a few problems with mumsnet as I see it and I haven't been a member all that long

• poster will post about something and get honest opinions back and then will be outraged and start drip feeding information which would have been useful in the opening posts

• many people who reply are just sycophants who fawn all over the poster when sometimes some bloody honest advice offering perspective is whats needed but then you just get accused of being nasty/unfriendly. It's as if you are only allowed an opinion on MN if it conforms to the status quo. I degree with @AuntieStella - you do absolutely have to conform to societal pressures to be nice on here - I've seen so many posts removed because of it

• I've never know a site that hates men so much - they can do nothing right and it's depressing. The same goes for the dreaded MIL

• the covid board has definitely bought MN down - constant threads about the same thing - it's boring

Pick where you post things. AIBU is often a bun fight but there are loads of other boards.

I posted on the Mental Health board once when I was genuinely worried and was still taken down.

@AuntieStella

The solution is at your fingertips.

Post the advice you think is better.

MN used to have a rather persistent troll (we all rather assumed it was someone who thought women should be nice all the time) who used to start threads in a 'you're all bitches' theme. It really did come across as an attempt to curb how women expressed themselves.

For that reason, I will defend MN as the site where women do not have to conform to societal pressure to be nice.

This site until very recently had the strap line 'the one with the swearing' because again, there weren't curbs on female voices.

I think that’s fair. I also think someone posts pretty much exactly what the OP has about once a week.

However, the widespread, complacently ignorant and racist views expressed recently on threads surrounding the creation of a Black Mumsnetters forum and on colonialism were a new low.

I posted on here once because I woke up to the house being surrounded by police in the middle if the night (numerous police cars and vans) and got told I was a nosey neighbour and horrible by one poster, and another saying I should have gone over to check everything was OK and was I 5 years old.
I had the post taken down because it seemed to upset so many people
I doubt these people would have said it to my face...

People shouldn't post on AIBU - MN should be harder on unpleasant posts but if someone posts on AIBU when it isn't a AIBU type of issue they can't complain. I disagree. AIBU shouldn’t be seen as a free for all where people feel it’s ok to say what you want regardless of how vicious it is and then blame the OP for posting in AIBU when they don’t like the pile on.

It is AIBU which gives MN a bad name but HQ won’t crack down on it because it’s where most of their revenue comes from.

But it’s topics like AIBU which mean that MN is no longer a site where people go for serious advice, it’s a bit of a place to go and roll their eyes at some of the replies people post....

I was going to say that so long as you don't put a non-AIBU on AIBU you're ok, but thinking about it:
-I've been piled on on a primary school thread
-we made to feel that my issue with DF wasn't serious enough when I posted in Relationships.

I stick to a few specific boards in general now.

There are also some amazing and intelligent discussions on here

It’s the hypocrisy and puerile name calling that get my goat.

Judging by the number of members who are supposedly jumping ship because of the sheer nastiness of some posters (accusations of racism being thrown around), I agree with you. MN doesn't feel a safe space.

When I am queen of MN for the day, my first act will be to move threads to the topic; and put general chit chat into 'chat' which will once again be ephemeral.

@ Happytobeme123

The double standards re reactions never cease to amaze me.

Your house is surrounded by police and you’re told you’re being nosy for wanting to know why. anyone would have felt the same.

Yet the other day there was a thread (admittedly a troll but still...) where the Op posted that she had heard her neighbour shouting at their fifteen year old, and the responses were “poor lad, you should ring the police.” I challenge anyone to say they have never lost it with their teenager ever. .

"I agree with you. MN doesn't feel a safe space"

MN never was, and never pretended to be, a safe space. It's a wide open chat site with extremely light moderation.

A lot of people take a different opinion as a personal slight, or rudeness.

It is a public forum - you will get all sorts of views and all sorts of people.

And let’s be honest, MN love the vile responses. Why else would they have implemented a vote feature on AIBU.

I’ve seen people post threads which would be genuinely upsetting, and have inadvertently not turned off the vote, and there are still people who will vote YABU. In fact I’ve wondered sometimes if MN put in a couple of deliberate YABU votes because you could post that your daughter was seeing a paedophile and you were worried for the grandchildren and there would be YABU votes on there” and people saying “stop interfering, your daughter is an adult....”

I once volunteered at a school for over a year when a position came up. I applied and initially thought I’d not been shortlisted for interview. I asked AIBU on thinking they could have at least given me an interview.

Well I made the mistake of putting could of, instead of could have, and some of the replies were spiteful saying they wouldn’t want me teaching their child etc etc. They seemed to revel in being as unpleasant as possible.

It really upset me and knocked my confidence. However, I was short listed and at interview I explained my mild dyslexia and they were happy to employ me.

I’ve been there over 5 years now and really love my job. I work with SEND children and currently helping lots of children who have returned to school with anxiety over the current COVID situation. I must admit for the first few years, I felt not good enough and doubted myself at every turn.

I wouldn’t start a thread in AIBU about a serious matter ever again. There will always be those posters, who take great delight in making others feel like shit. People have no idea what is going on in other people lives.

I always feel very bad when someone comes on to say "you've posted about this before, havent you OP?" and then loads of others join in. Sometimes the OP is scared off. Sometimes someone then actually posts a link to the OP's previous thread.

I think in many cases (especially with women in difficult relationships) they sometimes need to get affirmation several times before they can feel empowered. I see the above behaviour as a kind of bullying, almost like troll hunting. Posters should have the empathy to understand that yes, maybe posters need to change names and ask for validation again before acting. If they recognise the story they can just move on.

There are ways to voice an opinion without being outright rude...I expect the rudeness on AIBU but it is definitely spilling over into the other boards such as chat.

I also think that using feminism and "I'm doing you a favour by building your resilience" are poor excuses for what is essentially bullying. I don't understand why it's considered weak to be respectful of others..