Losing faith in Mumsnet?

[TheWho67]

People post for validation or genuine comprehension over an issue.
Replies go either way, agree or disagree, sometimes quite strongly. I've seen a lot of posts were OP has been flamed and wished they had never posted. I've been there, under a different name. I've asked Mumsnet to have more moderators, to keep things on track but I guess that wont happen. I've seen a few posts get mentioned on DM recently and think, thank god that wasn't me! Some posts get quite out of hand and once one negative post starts, other pile on.
YANBU - to think people should stick to the question asked and not unpick every single thing.
YABU - people will naturally be critical because it's on-line and not face to face and why post on a public forum if you can't handle it.

@ShebaShimmyShake

I don't actually think it's especially brutal...have spent time on forums that were like the Wild West complete with doxxing and death threats so maybe that's why. Not a good bar, obviously. But I don't think MN is hugely vicious.

I do, however, think it is absolutely class obsessed and full of sanctimonious moralising about things with no moral value. Obviously everyone denies they're doing it, which is brilliant because you get posts that quite literally go: "Of course I'm not moralising, are you on glue? I just think it's vapid, vacuous, vain, stupid, chavvy and common and I would never do it. Hahaha, so hilarious that you would think I'm moralising!"

But class obsession and misplaced moralising aren't really things you can moderate for; they're just in the overall culture of the place, so you have to accept that if you want to participate. You can still take the piss, of course, within reason.

I think the class obsession (which is of course closely bound up with the moralising, with moral value placed on things that are simply class signifiers, like head bows on small babies, calling your DD Kaycee-Mae, owning a particular breed of dog etc) is absolutely true, but as a non-Brit, I go between finding it depressing and finding it comic. It’s informative, either way.

@Thecobwebsarewinning

I don’t understand why people worry about topics being taken up by the DM. The DM is no more or less public than MN. If you post on MN your story is there for the entire world to read so it doesn’t make much difference if it’s also available on another website.

If you want something to remain private don’t post it in a public forum on the World Wide Web.

And it wouldn’t cost you a thought if a particularly politically-repellent tabloid was using your story to generate income?

There’s another site online (which if I mention the name of it my comment will be removed) and quite a few people here are mocked/laughed at, some are mentioned regularly.

When you post online it goes a lot further than here and DM.

I think it's got a lot worse and it can be a very unpleasant place to be. But I also think we are, collectively, struggling with the current situation, even those of us who to all intents and purposes are doing OK and not worried. We've had more time on our hands, we have contemplated our own mortality - frequently many years earlier than we would have under normal circumstances - and have underlying worry about essential things like food supplies and the 'what if....' followed by whatever it is that personally concerns you about what is going on in the world. I know, as the parent of a type 1 diabetic, I am worried about insulin supplies come what now seems to be an inevitable no-deal Brexit in the middle of a pandemic which will inevitably be at a very difficult stage as Brexit kicks in. I know there are days when I am telling myself to 'get a fucking grip' but at the same time understand I have reason to be pissed off that my job is standing in front of 32 kids every day with no kind of protection.

Fact is, things are tough at the moment. Really tough. And I find myself far shorter on empathy and understanding than I was, say, this time last year. I don't like the constant calls of 'mental health' but actually, I have come to understand this week that my own mental health isn't great right now and perhaps I need to find a way of turning off and tuning out that works better than what I do now. Because it isn't working.

Urgh! It's hard. Things are hard.

Mods aren't doing enough. I reported a thread recently which belittled mental health issues and was basically a "they should all just pull themselves together" style patronising crap post but mods said they wouldnt delete it because others were "robustly disagreeing". Yes- that was because the OP was highly bloody offensive. I dont get the mods- they delete some posts because they "arent in the spirit of MN" yet allow other repulsive posts to remain. Why??

I voted yanbu. I've had some amazing advice and support from MN over the years - I owe it a lot tbh. But, I agree that there's a small number of posters who are determined to pick apart every little word that the OP says and are determined to find fault. This hinders posters who are genuinely distressed from being able to post freely - they shouldn't have to carefully select every single word in case some nasty cow jumps on it and twists it into something that the OP never intended. There are also some posters whose imaginations run away with them and they impose whole scenarios which don't exist in the original situation.
That said, the vast majority are kind and we'll informed and funny and this place is amazing at helping people see things from another pov.

pit of vipers,
quite a lot of bad tempered people imo

These sort of threads have been posted regularly for the last 15 years.

@Fannybawz

There is Much more to MN than the schoolyard bitching of AIBU

I find the Style and beauty, property, telly and health boards completely supportive and fun.

There is absolutely no nasty vibe there. In fact I’ve never seen anybody correct anybody’s grammar at all.

But they are forums that don’t offer much drama so to speak.

There is no “you’ve been here before, OP, banging on about downpipe!”
Or
“RTFT People; she’s NOT getting Botox
Now!”
Or
“Are you the Coronation Street troll?”

This is true!

Style and Beauty USED to be quite hairy, like, 10 years ago. I remember being made fun of for a whole thread based on my suggestions for a capsule wardrobe. (To be fair, my naif twenties self deserved it )

But in comparison to larger MN now, wow, it's an absolute haven. Basically the only friction is on bra interventions.

Long running topic threads are also just typically nice and friendly and fun. I'm on thread 17 on one board and I don't think we've ever had an argument.

Stay out of AIBU, really, is the answer. I used to hide the whole board -- maybe I will again.

the covid board has definitely bought MN down - constant threads about the same thing - it's boring

Then maybe don’t read that board? Or start a thread with a different angle?

I came to Mumsnet for the famous Feminism & Women’s Rights board. I still check it every day because I get more news and informative debate there, on important issues, than on any other site. But I also enjoy the chat, there and on other boards. And if a thread becomes repetitive, you know you can skip through, or try another one?

I like a lot about MN and I've definitely learned a bit on here, too. I think anonymity is a double edged sword, though.

People say things they'd never say in person or are far nastier to the OP - some of whom are obviously fragile. There's the truth/honest opinion then there's sticking the knife in and twisting it. Similarly some people try too hard to be funny and get called out. Not saying that shouldn't happen but some of the replies to them can be very sharp and I do wonder if the OP is actually ok. I remember someone trying about 3 times in a week to be a comic genius and missing by miles. I wasn't sure how well she was but a MN pile on was unlikely to help! It occasionally verges on bullying.

The swearing never bothers me but the grammar and detail police come across as unpleasant.

Threads where people claim ridiculously high standards of cleanliness/some sort of achievement/routine/any distinguishing detail or that they'd thump someone etc. A lot of people on those threads writing about the perfect family they have in their head or what they wish they could do to the rude lady in the bank when they'd normally never say boo to a goose, I think.

I don't believe that women have to be always nice but some people really do pop up purely to say something rude and leave. I started a thread on here asking for bad house viewing experiences to cheer me up after I'd had an awful one and was despairing of getting on the property ladder. I felt pretty down. I did the usual DM fuck off statement as I figured a list type thread might pique their lazy interest. Got lots of interesting and funny replies but one person randomly just replied "why would the DM be interested in this boring thread?". If there was a snooty bitch emoticon, she would have used it. It was only a mn thread but I felt SO stupid. It just dug in a bit. Luckily she got called out by someone pointing out a cut & paste list of stories was just the sort of thing they like.

We are anonymous on here so does it really matter what anyone thinks or says about us? It's best not to give away information that could identify ourselves or anyone to do with the topic.

As for 'losing faith' in Mumsnet, why have faith in an internet forum in the first place. It's for discussion so you will get all sorts of opinions. It strikes me you are taking it all too seriously.

Regarding 'Admin', I see posts removed regularly and sometimes threads; I think the MN people are quite vigilant.

Where is all this racism people keep mentioning? I have not seen any outright racism on here and I visit every day. Is it on certain boards?

@JustFrigginNameChange

Where is all this racism people keep mentioning? I have not seen any outright racism on here and I visit every day. Is it on certain boards?

I've never seen any either

Sexism on the other hand........

@lojoko, S&B used to be dominated by the self-proclaimed and highly generated Queen of MN, that's why. She still pops up every now and then, most threads with "these are shit aren't they" style mockery are her.

The ageism has certainly worsened, especially on the Coronavirus topic. Though HQ are pretty good at removing most of the "I'm not sacrificing my kids for some 80 year old with dementia" bile. (Real post from last week)

Generated? Venerated obvs.

When I am queen of MN for the day, my first act will be to move threads to the topic; and put general chit chat into 'chat' which will once again be ephemeral

Agree.

And when I'm queen of MN for the day, I would remove NCing. I know it won't go down that well but the facility to change your name has been abused so much.

People do a NC and sock puppet, PBPs are rife and it enables ex-posters to just come on here to have a poke and create trouble. PBPs change names, use VPNs, create new email addresses again and again (someone did it 20 times and is very proud of that). MN would be a far more reasonable place without this happening and their work in chasing down PBPs would decrease dramatically. If someone goes to the trouble of using a VPN or creating masses of new email addresses, their intentions are not good.

I know NCing is something that is needed if there is a very delicate subject to ask advice on, but why can't they go into OTBT section which is pretty hidden and not googleable. You can have your privacy in there and maybe because it's a privacy issue, MNHQ could delete threads if asked in there.
(OTBT stands for Off The Beaten Track)

I truly believe that stopping NCing would solve a huge amount of problems. There are forums set up in competition to MN who spend their time working out how to create trouble on here. Stopping NCing would stop that in an instant.

BTW I've been here for 16 years, I've been on various forums over the years and I've never ever known NCing being something anywhere else.

@TheWho67

Just had another thought. It's one thing posting on a forum about a personal issue and then having it spread out on the Daily Mail! I guess it's legal but I'm sure the OP posters never intended it to be published in the daily press. Just to clarify, this hasn't happened to me but has made me very wary.

I think sadly there are posters who do want this to happen. A lot of the CF and wedding related ones are definitely aiming for this. Anything that is designed to get people frothing on both sides is aiming for the froth.

Yes moderation is the answer. But some pps need to stop responding to this obvious nonsense.

I've been on MN a number of years, primarily on the excellent Trump threads. I dipped and out of AIBU and Chat. However, the lack of moderation of the COVID boards has bothered me. I don't expect them to be filtered down to one viewpoint only - that's ridiculous, but the level of hostility from certain posters is consistently high. Even if what they say goes against medical advice, nothing is deleted. I don't understand this obvious editorial decision of MN.

@Roussette I actually agree. And I say this as someone who has NCd my general name after a nosy ex took my phone to find my mn name and who occasionally NCs to post stuff I don't want linked to my usual nn. It's slightly less faff than a throw away account though.

Ah, just read Seeds post.

Myimaginarycathadfleas

There are plenty of wise, funny and interesting posters around but they no longer have the loudest voice here. Bullying seems to thrive and the moderation is inconsistent and often irrational.

I couldn't agree more 👏👏👏👏👏

I still really enjoy the excellent, articulate advice of many. I learnt so much & understood so much about my abusive relationship from MN. M
I got support in the Bereavement forum when by dad died.

I do think the bullying is awful & the gratuitous nastiness is truly awful.

@JustFrigginNameChange

Where is all this racism people keep mentioning? I have not seen any outright racism on here and I visit every day. Is it on certain boards?

There was a lot on the thread about the Diversity performance. One poster said that people who protest the murder of black people were "arsey", plus plenty of people who wanted to dictate how and when black people should reveal their treatment and experiences.

Nobody actually comes out and says overtly hateful things, that's not how it works these days. They all say they're not racist and I think they believe it. But if you first complain that protest should be peaceful, and then call for sanctions over a dance performance, you might like to look at what's really bothering you. If there's something wrong with literally every way black people protest their abuse, and that bothers you more than the abuse itself...

You just pick out comments that are helpful to you. Obviously there’s going to be very different opinions, and some people feel passionately about their own opinion. Why post on Aibu, and then slate anyone who says you are?

I very rarely post and nowadays stay away from AIBU as there is less funny stuff and much more shoutiness, showboating and vitriol.

However this is a large platform and there are lots of sections which are lovely and very helpful.

Also, a lot people have had some really good advice over the years which has really helped them in difficult times.