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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH called my son a prick.

217 replies

Wishforyou · 02/09/2020 11:47

In most ways DH is a supportive loving husband and a good stepfather to my two children and he has been now for the last 8 years.
However, his tolerance levels are low. He really yells when my DS who is 11, talks back or refuses to tidy his room etc. Yesterday during one of these exchanges he swore three times, I forget all of the words, there was a f*ck in there somewhere but he called my son a prick. He’s also called him a brat and various other things in the past. It seems to be a temper that isn’t under control. He has never hit any of us and wouldn’t. He’s spent a lot of money and time getting my son’s bedroom decorated recently, he’s invested in all of us.
But calling my son a prick no matter how pre-teeny he is being isn’t ok with me. I didn’t say much yesterday, apart from he should be modelling behaviour that he wants my son to adopt. I.e. not peppering his language with swear words.
Afterwards he said sorry and apologised to my son but he has done before and it always happens again.
Do I take his further and suggest he get help or move on? Is this normal on an occasional basis? Apart from my wonderful recently
deceased father, I haven’t had the best male experiences. A bi-polar angry stepfather and an emotionally abusive father to my kids. I don’t want to overreact but...

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 02/09/2020 11:56

I feel sorry for your son being sworn at and intimidated in his own house. This just isn't ok op
He hasn't hit you
Yet

A man who can't control his temper will eventually hit you or your son.

Backtoschoolnotsoonenough · 02/09/2020 12:00

My ds is 11. I have been with my dh for 8 years..
In your situation he would be packing right now..
I stayed with my exh way too long. Ds still has therapy at 28..

ChickensMightFly · 02/09/2020 12:08

That is so sad for your son. It will become part of the fabric is his self image and is a rubbish example of what a man should be to those around him. How can he be expected to improve into a shining model of excellent character and behaviour when the parenting he gets is one where you get to act out in a wounding way if the provocation is enough... Which is what your dh is doing. A strong man has broad shoulders and manages poor behaviours constructively, firmly and with good consistent boundaries. My dh manages that most of the time with occasional human slip ups... I don't think many would better him, but the slip ups bring about raised voices not personal insults and nastiness, that's another line to cross I think.
I don't think it's a bad thing for kids to see that grown ups have limits too, but the snap at the end of the tether can still contain restraint against nastiness. Can you get your heads together and come up with a set of go-to responses/strategies so when he gets to that point he doesn't have to calm down and come up with something, he already has something up his sleeve?
Some people are launched into life by their childhood, some just have to survive what they get (as you know), some get a mixed experience. Those of us with a mixed experience (I'm one) spend years mending the damage and building on the good. It seems like you have a mixed set up here. Only you can know if it is bad enough to want to dismantle everything.
It's it what happened here damaging, I'd say yes.
Could it be improved - quite possibly, if the dh had the inclination, recognising his triggers and finding alternatives are possible, if he is willing... Seeing that happen would be good example to your son.
Are repeated apologies with no improvement helpful? No, an apology can be a helpful acknowledgement of a mistake but if it is family code for 'this makes it all ok but we all know it will happen again, but you can't complain when I've said sorry' then that's not good at all.
Sorry, probably not very helpful, but just to say that I see where you're coming from and your instincts are right.

Porcupineinwaiting · 02/09/2020 12:09

A man who cant control his temper will eventually hit you or your son

Well that's bollocks for a start.

But there is more to abuse than being hit, and words and anger can be damaging too. Not so much as a one-off, but this isnt a one-off is it OP?

So how often is this happening? How often are you worried it might? It's a rare parent that has never lost it with a teenager but your ds is only 11. There are many years to go. You and esp your dh needs to commit to a more sustainable strategy of parenting than screaming and shouting, even with apologies afterward. Your ds is going to kick against authority and you are going to have to lay the law down sometimes but how and when?

I think you need more than a "forget it and move on". Do you think your dh would be up for some reading and discussion on how to parent teens? I dont mean you getting angry with him but actually setting aside some time to think about it, talk it through and agree a strategy?

Sunrise85 · 02/09/2020 12:11

Your poor son. No child deserves that treatment in their own home. Their safe space.

Sad
VettiyaIruken · 02/09/2020 12:11

Your son deserves better. As do you.

blubberball · 02/09/2020 12:12

I have to set myself some boundaries in relationships, and this would be one of them. I'd rather be single than have my family tiptoeing on eggshells around a man's temper.

FlySheMust · 02/09/2020 12:12

Your son sounds like a bit of a brat but your DH shouldn't call him names.

blubberball · 02/09/2020 12:13

A parenting course might be a good place for him to start.

lyralalala · 02/09/2020 12:13

The fact he hasn't, and you believe wouldn't, hit any of you is neither here nor there. That's not the bar of "he's unreasonable and needs to go".

Words hurt. They cause long term damage.

You said yourself he's apologised before. Does he actually mean it? Is he genuinely trying to be a better person to live with?

Ultimately it comes down to this - do you think that it's an acceptable way for your DS to have to live?

WorraLiberty · 02/09/2020 12:14

He needs to stop doing this.

Your son now has/had 2 abusive father figures in his life.

You really need to put your foot down now and demand he stops or gets help.

Your little boy will be a teenager soon and then it's quite possible you'll have 2 abusive males to deal with.

Jagoda · 02/09/2020 12:16

@Backtoschoolnotsoonenough

My ds is 11. I have been with my dh for 8 years.. In your situation he would be packing right now.. I stayed with my exh way too long. Ds still has therapy at 28..
Totally agree.

He would be gone. Your poor son Sad

DoubleDolphin · 02/09/2020 12:16

"Get help" for swearing seems a bit ott to me.

wildcherries · 02/09/2020 12:17

It's not OK and not the first time. When is it enough?

Decorating a room would mean nothing if I were being yelled at by the same person.

lunar1 · 02/09/2020 12:18

Why haven't you got rid of him already, no child should be forced to live with someone like that. Have you ever thought your sons behaviour is because you are making him live with an abusive stepfather?

MojoJojo71 · 02/09/2020 12:19

That’s complete unacceptable. This ‘uncontrollable temper’ stuff is bollocks. He can control it, he just chooses not to and you are allowing him to get away with it. Does her scream and shout and swear at you? At his parents? His work colleagues? Or just defenceless children?

Porcupineinwaiting · 02/09/2020 12:19

@DoubleDolphin depends on the context. "Dont be a prick son" in the context of a loving father-son relationship is probably not going to cause any harm (esp if son is in fact acting like a prick). But being shouted at and called a prick every time you do do something wrong or argue back is going to be a disaster.

KatherineJaneway · 02/09/2020 12:20

While he should not shout and call your son names, your son should also not be talking back and not cleaning his room on a regular basis either.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 02/09/2020 12:20

Hmm, calling him a prick is a bit much but if my 12 year old is being a brat I definitely tell him. I also wouldn't mind if dp called him a brat if he was being a brat (dp has also been here for 8 years). Also don't really see swearing as a problem, but some people do so that's a personal boundary.

WorraLiberty · 02/09/2020 12:24

@DoubleDolphin

"Get help" for swearing seems a bit ott to me.
The OP says he really yells at him and calls him names.

That's more than just swearing. It's intimidating.

Original poster
Wishforyou · 02/09/2020 12:26

Sorry I seem to have started two threads on this. 🙈technophobe.
He just came upstairs as he’s working from home, I broached it, he didn’t want a long conversation about it but he agreed it wasn’t on. He said it’s been twice in eight years and I said I’ve picked him up way more times than that on name calling. It happens a few times a month. It was just worse and louder yesterday. I’ve said I want it to stop and not happen again and if he can’t do it on his own then yes @blubberball and @porcupineinwaiting I’ve suggested he get help / read up. Strategies are a good idea, it’s usually me saying quietly “too far, no swearing, stop yelling” but then he turns to me and says “do you support this appalling behaviour then? He’s disrespectful to you and me and ungrateful etc etc”
My son is gobby and chats back. He’s over anxious about starting high school and has a lot of nervous energy. He’s hard work at times and sometimes we’ve wondered about ADHD as he cannot sit still or stop fiddling with things or stop talking but I’m an only child and whenever I spend time with mothers who have boys I think “oh, he’s normal!” 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 02/09/2020 12:29

I would probably tell him the he wasn't allowed to discipline or reprimand your son anymore.

Also I disagree with whoever said that if he swears in arguments that its only a matter of time before he hits

averythinline · 02/09/2020 12:29

Don't excuse him ...he's the adult...whats his response when you tell him he needs to change?
The last thing a nervy boy need is a shouty man in the house

ColleagueFromMars · 02/09/2020 12:30

Afterwards he said sorry and apologised to my son but he has done before and it always happens again.

"So DH now that you've called down and realised that the way you spoke to DS was totally out of order, what steps are you putting in place to make sure it doesn't happen again?"

And please don't accept any response that is about how other people should just not trigger him. There are anger management courses and trainings. If he's not serious enough about recognising and sorting out his problem, he leaves. That's what I'd do.

Dozer · 02/09/2020 12:30

He isn’t a good stepfather.

Prioritise your DC over this man.