DH called my son a prick.

[Wishforyou]

In most ways DH is a supportive loving husband and a good stepfather to my two children and he has been now for the last 8 years.
However, his tolerance levels are low. He really yells when my DS who is 11, talks back or refuses to tidy his room etc. Yesterday during one of these exchanges he swore three times, I forget all of the words, there was a f*ck in there somewhere but he called my son a prick. He’s also called him a brat and various other things in the past. It seems to be a temper that isn’t under control. He has never hit any of us and wouldn’t. He’s spent a lot of money and time getting my son’s bedroom decorated recently, he’s invested in all of us.
But calling my son a prick no matter how pre-teeny he is being isn’t ok with me. I didn’t say much yesterday, apart from he should be modelling behaviour that he wants my son to adopt. I.e. not peppering his language with swear words.
Afterwards he said sorry and apologised to my son but he has done before and it always happens again.
Do I take his further and suggest he get help or move on? Is this normal on an occasional basis? Apart from my wonderful recently
deceased father, I haven’t had the best male experiences. A bi-polar angry stepfather and an emotionally abusive father to my kids. I don’t want to overreact but...

I think you need to start putting your son first. All of these excuses are rubbish. As if your son feels any better knowing his mum has to talk his step dad down. Then see his step dad try to turn his own mum on him. He's had two bad father figures now, show him it's wrong.

PS you always call him my son rather than our son. Does your partner not consider him his child after all this time and being in his life since he was only a toddler?

@Wishforyou

In most ways DH is a supportive loving husband and a good stepfather to my two children and he has been now for the last 8 years. However, his tolerance levels are low. He really yells when my DS who is 11, talks back or refuses to tidy his room etc. Yesterday during one of these exchanges he swore three times, I forget all of the words, there was a f*ck in there somewhere but he called my son a prick. He’s also called him a brat and various other things in the past. It seems to be a temper that isn’t under control. He has never hit any of us and wouldn’t. He’s spent a lot of money and time getting my son’s bedroom decorated recently, he’s invested in all of us. But calling my son a prick no matter how pre-teeny he is being isn’t ok with me. I didn’t say much yesterday, apart from he should be modelling behaviour that he wants my son to adopt. I.e. not peppering his language with swear words. Afterwards he said sorry and apologised to my son but he has done before and it always happens again. Do I take his further and suggest he get help or move on? Is this normal on an occasional basis? Apart from my wonderful recently deceased father, I haven’t had the best male experiences. A bi-polar angry stepfather and an emotionally abusive father to my kids. I don’t want to overreact but...

The only way I could look at this was to put myself in the position of hearing my son saying those words to my grandson.

It would not happen OP !

It should not happen !

It should not happen again !

I feel awfully sorry for your son

If calling your parent a twat is par for the course in your household, you have bigger worries than the OP. Is this how you believe all children and teenagers behave? Only the specially patented ones who have their parents make excuses for everything behave in this way.

@sst1234 Christ what a reach, you must have a splendid imagination! At no point did I state anything was par for the course in our house, rather than OP's son, whilst growing up in a home where adults speak aggressively towards children, will likely escalate his own aggression in response. Having worked for a long time with often quite challenging youngsters, it's a safe bet that having a "role model" like that will not elicit great results.

His mistake was reacting to the muttering. It's a complete waste of time and emotional energy to rise to the bait and create a massive shitfest out of the bog standard stuff people do when pissed off.

Reacting and escalating, rather than refusing to acknowledge it just makes everything a thousand times worse at home and at school.

De-escalation techniques are vital for police, teachers and almost anywhere else, frankly. DP took all my training stuff and uses it at his work - he has zero complaints and very, very few incidents when handling unhappy clients compared to the ones who bark and get into pissing competitions.

If he thinks his is the only way to assert his authority and anything like that would be 'pandering' or would cause his cock and balls to suddenly drop off, then he's binnable material.

True authority is when the irritating stuff doesn't even even register, because he's already saying '...thank you' and moving on. If eyes get rolled and 'fuck's sake' gets muttered under the breath, it's unimportant, as they're probably already in the mindset that they're going to do as they've been told; stopping for the 'WHAT DID YOU SAY? HOW DARE YOU ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME! RESPECT MY AUTHORITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!' redirects the situation to confrontation and attack, rather than vaguely peeved but resigned compliance.

Whether he'd actually listen and look at alternative ways to manage and de-escalate confrontation or whether he's somebody who likes raging and yelling and being an utter cock is something I don't know, but you do. Seeing 'bipolar' suggests to me that you might be on a hiding to nothing, unless you could convince him that the 'superior' person manages control through controlling themselves and their reaction, though. Although if he is actually bipolar, then this could be a step too far for him/a grave insult if he's entering a manic/hypomanic phase or a common or garden aggressive prick - if so, are you sure the money is worth it?

Sorry, I misread the bipolar part first time. Ignore the last bit, as he doesn't have a diagnosis. And I need to not skimread so often.

@allSixesAndEights Whatever you think the problem is doesn't matter, I was answering another poster who thought it was odd that op & her dh have separate finances.

@JinglingHellsBells - The issue is that the OP thinks her husband would have no claim on their assets if they split up. That's wrong because the starting point for divorce is a 50-50 split.

That’s not what I was answering though and you know it. I was answering That shows a slightly odd set up when you have been married for 8 years and appears to show you don't share finances

I am not trading anything at all, I used it as an example to point out that it isn’t weird for the op & her dh to have separate finances at all and that many married couples do, and it is recommended for women. Completely normal and wise, as you stated here - always had my own savings, pensions, investments. I was always able to be financially independent.

And I am NOT excusing the father Actually you are. All your posts point to the son being the issue, and even op for her “lack” of discipline because you didn’t like her de-escalation technique. You just think the dh "needs to stop shouting" but to be honest, he needs to stop a lot more.

I'm actually trying to look at this a bit more deeply than some of the posts You aren’t though, you aren’t reading what the op is saying about her dh, just picking on the son here because you and others have decided he’s a mouthy brat! Nothing about the dh and him verbally abusing the lad multiple times a month.

No, he shouldn't shout but is there a family on the planet who behaves as perfect parents and never, ever loses it with their child? Show me one, please! Who said no one loses it with their child? No one. We did say that you don’t have to verbally abuse your child to discipline them though. There is a shit load of space between “perfect” (that tired “insult” again) and abusing your child. Because YES, name calling and intimidation IS abuse,

We also shared stories about damaging being abused as a child is, and some shared what their abuse looked like, yet you STILL think this is OK and that it's just a bit of shouting.

Step family relationships are never easy and stepson/ step father relationships are notoriously hard as boys start puberty. This is especially so if the the boy and mother have a really close bond which excludes the step dad You know that is because the husband feels threatened though, right? Not because the of the son, who is doing what boys and girls of this age do. You know, being a teen! Because the poor grown arse man thinks that the lad is going to become a bigger, stronger, more important man than he is.

OP it sounds like there are two problems- Your DH needs to learn to control his temper better not just with your DS but his own DD also. But it does sound like your DS needs a bit more manners....is it possible he is winding up your DH on purpose to create a divide? Either way it would a shame to end a marriage of 8 years over calling a bratty 11 year old a prick

But was he being a prick? Sometimes pre teens can be.

@Glitteryone

But was he being a prick? Sometimes pre teens can be.

True you wouldn’t say it though!

True you wouldn’t say it though!

And definitely not several times a month

@lyralalala

Exactly. And my DD1 (11) has attachment issues and has been violent to me in the past. I've been pushed beyond endurance as has my DH. We don't call her names. Adults are supposed to have self-control.

Whilst I don’t agree with calling children names , there do seem to be some parents who are being told to put up with any old behaviour from older kids and kick out any bloke (biological father or not) who pulls them up on their behaviour. They are in my opinion both in the wrong here and need to both apologise , to each other and to you too and need to think about their behaviours

@Glitteryone

But was he being a prick? Sometimes pre teens can be.

Doesn't matter.

No excuse for abuse.

@yetmorecrap He isn't "pulling" anyone up on their behaviour. He is emotionally and verbally abusing a minor. Several times a month.

Verbal punches are just as bad as physical ones.

I would not tolerate someone calling my son names, or swearing at him. I just couldn't and not sure how you can.

@yetmorecrap

Whilst I don’t agree with calling children names , there do seem to be some parents who are being told to put up with any old behaviour from older kids and kick out any bloke (biological father or not) who pulls them up on their behaviour. They are in my opinion both in the wrong here and need to both apologise , to each other and to you too and need to think about their behaviours

The adult in this scenario is in the wrong several times a month and went out to the garden to have another go at the child after the OP had calmed the situation down - that’s not “pulling him up on his behaviour”

Rubbish.