DH called my son a prick.

[Wishforyou]

In most ways DH is a supportive loving husband and a good stepfather to my two children and he has been now for the last 8 years.
However, his tolerance levels are low. He really yells when my DS who is 11, talks back or refuses to tidy his room etc. Yesterday during one of these exchanges he swore three times, I forget all of the words, there was a f*ck in there somewhere but he called my son a prick. He’s also called him a brat and various other things in the past. It seems to be a temper that isn’t under control. He has never hit any of us and wouldn’t. He’s spent a lot of money and time getting my son’s bedroom decorated recently, he’s invested in all of us.
But calling my son a prick no matter how pre-teeny he is being isn’t ok with me. I didn’t say much yesterday, apart from he should be modelling behaviour that he wants my son to adopt. I.e. not peppering his language with swear words.
Afterwards he said sorry and apologised to my son but he has done before and it always happens again.
Do I take his further and suggest he get help or move on? Is this normal on an occasional basis? Apart from my wonderful recently
deceased father, I haven’t had the best male experiences. A bi-polar angry stepfather and an emotionally abusive father to my kids. I don’t want to overreact but...

I would not put up with being disrespected by a “gobby” 11 year old who refuses to follow instructions and is always backed up and excused by his indulgent mother.

OP please wake up. Most parents invest time and a lot of money into their kids. I get impatient with my DS however to swear and call him a prick! It NEVER gets to that stage!

I think YOU should discipline your children in future and tell your husband to keep his nose out and maybe he would not get worked up.
Also he may hit you and the children one day.

I’d get rid, personally. But I bet you won’t. Your poor little boy having to live with an unrelated male who doesn’t like him and abuses him while his mum stands by.

I think we know who the prick here is and he's not your son.

@FuckinGoddess

I would not put up with being disrespected by a “gobby” 11 year old who refuses to follow instructions and is always backed up and excused by his indulgent mother.

You don't have to. You can discipline them.

You just don't need to abuse them to do so.

I’d get rid, personally. But I bet you won’t. Your poor little boy having to live with an unrelated male who doesn’t like him and abuses him while his mum stands by.

I agree- things will get worse OP- much worse.
Be prepared to have a son who won't speak to you at all by the time he is 20.

@FuckinGoddess

I would not put up with being disrespected by a “gobby” 11 year old who refuses to follow instructions and is always backed up and excused by his indulgent mother.

Then you leave...

You don't resort to being abusive to a child

I'm glad you have addressed the problem with your husband. He should not lose his rag and speak to your son with such a foul mouth no matter how provoked.

I hope he realises he will lose you if he doesn't learn to keep his temper in check.

Your son doesn't have to be grateful for having a decent home and reasonable parents, that is the bare minimum to which every child is entitled.

@1forAll74

I think that lots of people get to a stage of having a frayed temper when trying to deal with a so called brat of a child, and so go forth with angry words towards them, and although not perfect behaviour, it is what can happen in a moment of being angry about something.

It's not just an angry moment though. The OP's DH went out to the garden to find her DS to have another go at him long after the situation had calmed down.

@HoppingPavlova

It does nothing to minimise "real" abuse, because it IS real abuse. It leaves scars and it hurts, and it damages people and their self esteem. It would be abuse if someone was doing it to their partner, and it is if it's an adult doing it to their kids.

Would you not think it’s even more damaging to let them carry on without telling them they are acting like a prick and would be best placed to have a long hard think about it? I’ve done this to my DH over the years when required and they have done it to me when required. I’m glad to have this pointed out if necessary to pull me up and give a chance to really think and reflect. That’s not abuse. On the super rare occasion we have probably even told each other that you are acting like a complete and utter cunt. And it’s been the truth. Either he has or I had and it’s best to be called out. Must admit in 25 years I’ve only ever said that to a kid once and they really were acting like a complete cunt and really needed to stop. Sometimes people need to hear thus. That’s not abuse.

Unfortunately my former work meant I had the displeasure of dealing with many parents and kids in stressful situations over the years and yes, some parents would call their kids pricks or indeed cunts in situations where it was completely inappropriate, unwarranted and abusive. There is a definite difference in scenarios.

I'm really glad you're not my mum, because if my mum had called me a cunt I probably would have slashed my arms to ribbons.

Intrepidintrovert

Poor little boy? Or perhaps cheeky little s**t who gets away with murder from a soft mother who refuses to discipline or enforce basic good housekeeping, and makes every excuse under the sun to defend brat like behaviour

For all we know the step father has sat by biting his tongue but after watching his partner get the p**s ripped out of her for too long has decided to say something.

Maybe the language used was uncalled for but all these PP painting the 'poor wee boy' scenario makes me lol. 11 year olds are more than capable of keeping their room tidy and shouldn't be talking back to the people putting a roof over their head.

@Shoopdedoop

Intrepidintrovert

Poor little boy? Or perhaps cheeky little s**t who gets away with murder from a soft mother who refuses to discipline or enforce basic good housekeeping, and makes every excuse under the sun to defend brat like behaviour

For all we know the step father has sat by biting his tongue but after watching his partner get the p**s ripped out of her for too long has decided to say something.

Maybe the language used was uncalled for but all these PP painting the 'poor wee boy' scenario makes me lol. 11 year olds are more than capable of keeping their room tidy and shouldn't be talking back to the people putting a roof over their head.

Maybe the language was uncalled for?

In what circumstances is it acceptable to name call children now? Including going into the garden to give them another barrage after things have calmed down?

Children shouldn't have to be eternally grateful to their mother and step-father for putting a roof over their head. That's just a basic job you take on when you have a child ffs.

Your dh’s behaviour is unacceptable. This is only going to get worse as your son becomes a teenager. I think you need to take steps now.

11 year olds are not 4 year olds, I think your DS is very aware of what he is doing here. He’s playing up and pushing boundaries with your DH causing strain in your marriage so he gets Mummy all to himself - this was proven to him by the lawnmower story. Not saying DH should be swearing at him but no wonder he is loosing his rag. I don’t think excluding your DH is the way forward, unless you don’t want a marriage anymore.

It's funny how many men end up having problems with their step-sons, yet get on fine with their step-daughter.

Also all these "Well maybe he's at the end of his tether with the OP's parenting" comment are ridiculous. If you don't like how the other adult in your home parents you talk to them. If you don't like how they deal with things you talk to them.

You don't start losing your rag and name calling 11-year-old children.

@Wishforme
It think you are doing your very best both with your son and husband.

It sounds as if you have a good way of dealing with your son and, at least your husband knows that his way is not the right way-it doesn't sound to be as if he has your son under a reign of terror!

I hope it turns out well for you.

To all the outraged posters, no one is defending the husband here, he should exercise more self restraint if he is choosing to take on another’s mans children. The far bigger issue is the son. OP can walk away from her husband but not her son and his behaviour will only escalate leaving OP in more trouble. She needs to discipline her sons behaviour more than the husbands because the son is her responsibility even if the marriage doesn’t last. By making this about the husband, the bigger problem doesn’t get fixed.

@sst1234

To all the outraged posters, no one is defending the husband here, he should exercise more self restraint if he is choosing to take on another’s mans children. The far bigger issue is the son. OP can walk away from her husband but not her son and his behaviour will only escalate leaving OP in more trouble. She needs to discipline her sons behaviour more than the husbands because the son is her responsibility even if the marriage doesn’t last. By making this about the husband, the bigger problem doesn’t get fixed.

Quite a number of people are defending the husband.

The far bigger issue is the husband. If the adults in the house can't show restraint and respect then how on earth are the children expected to? The OP hasn't said anything remotely dramatic about her son. He's a bit gobby and doesn't like tidying his room - lot of teens and pre-teens do that. Flying off the handle doesn't help that whatsoever.

Kids also often live up to expectation. If he's being told repeatedly (and it sounds like the husband either doesn't realise how often he does it or downplays it) that he's a brat/ungrateful then he's going to behave like one.

Once the adults are behaving like adults then the OP can tackle her son's behaviour in a constructive way instead of firefighting between them.

Children shouldn't have to be eternally grateful

Lyralala doesn't sound like OP's mouthy DS is grateful in the slightest. DH was bang out of order in how they handled the situation but 11 year olds shouldn't be back chatting and should be able to keep a clean bedroom FFS. DH needs to address his behaviour but OP and DS are also to blame for the situation and need to take a long hard look at their parenting/behaviour. Unless you think it's acceptable to raise a brat/disrespect your elders?

A man who cant control his temper will eventually hit you or your son

Well that's bollocks for a start.

@Porcupineinwaiting It certainly means there's more of a risk of violence from him than from a bloke who behaves reasonably.

@Wishforyou You're doing the right thing by telling your husband you'll discipline your son alone from now on. Also, if he name-calls and emotionally abuses your son in future (which arguably would be worth leaving him for anyway) be sure to say in front of your son in that moment that it's not ok.

My mum never stood up for me when my dad used to treat me badly. I resent her for that, and other people who've experienced it mention feeling the same. Having at least one parental figure that supports/protects them fully is very important. There was one instance when my mum did stand up for me, and I remember that well.

It's worth trying to get your son assessed for the ADHD. If they don't let him have an assessment, or say he doesn't have it, keep pushing and if need be see a private consultant. Trying him on the mds etc is worth giving a go.

@Shoopdedoop

Children shouldn't have to be eternally grateful

Lyralala doesn't sound like OP's mouthy DS is grateful in the slightest. DH was bang out of order in how they handled the situation but 11 year olds shouldn't be back chatting and should be able to keep a clean bedroom FFS. DH needs to address his behaviour but OP and DS are also to blame for the situation and need to take a long hard look at their parenting/behaviour. Unless you think it's acceptable to raise a brat/disrespect your elders?

Children learn from the adult around them. The OP's DH clearly think it's acceptable to rant, rave and name call. How can he then be surprised when a child brought up in that atmosphere does the same?

Your scoring out of the D on "DS" and not on "DH" is ridiculously childish. This is an 11 year old child with an emotionally abusive father and a stroppy brat for a step-father. He's simply modelling the adult around him.

it’s usually me saying quietly “too far, no swearing, stop yelling” but then he turns to me and says “do you support this appalling behaviour then? He’s disrespectful to you and me and ungrateful etc etc”

I think you need to establish during a calm discussion that this sort of response isn't an acceptable one: telling him not to go too far doesn't equate to you supporting unacceptable behaviour, if anything it's you telling your husband not to demonstrate unacceptable behaviour to your child - and certainly calling him a prick is unacceptable. He really should be looking at a parenting and/or anger management course. He presumably manages to rein in his anger at work, so he should be able to when dealing with a child, even an annoying teenager.

Given DH has been around for 8 years, I can't see that you suddenly deciding to discipline DS alone - disregarding his involvement - will go down particularly well.

Will you expect him to stop financially contributing to his upbringing too?

Once the adults are behaving like adults then the OP can tackle her son's behaviour

Well this is a whole lot of BS. It's not like DH is flying off the handle unprovoked. It took gobby back chatting to incite the response from DH. Clearly the son was behaving like a brat long before the DH weighed in. DS behaviors is by far the bigger issue as it sounds like DH has already owned up their behaviour and is in the process of addressing it. Fixing the behaviour of an emotional pre-teen with years of getting away with it is going to be a total nightmare.

What comes over from this thread is how many MNetters are perfect parents who have never shouted at their children or lost their tempers or sworn in anger.

So many posters saying how to be the perfect parent yet divorced from reality it seems.

Some shouty families are the most loving.
Some buttoned up are the most repressed.

There is a happy medium but going on the posts here, it seems that a few episodes of someone losing their rag with a teen is a reason for a 2nd divorce which will hardly do the son any good.