DH called my son a prick.

[Wishforyou]

In most ways DH is a supportive loving husband and a good stepfather to my two children and he has been now for the last 8 years.
However, his tolerance levels are low. He really yells when my DS who is 11, talks back or refuses to tidy his room etc. Yesterday during one of these exchanges he swore three times, I forget all of the words, there was a f*ck in there somewhere but he called my son a prick. He’s also called him a brat and various other things in the past. It seems to be a temper that isn’t under control. He has never hit any of us and wouldn’t. He’s spent a lot of money and time getting my son’s bedroom decorated recently, he’s invested in all of us.
But calling my son a prick no matter how pre-teeny he is being isn’t ok with me. I didn’t say much yesterday, apart from he should be modelling behaviour that he wants my son to adopt. I.e. not peppering his language with swear words.
Afterwards he said sorry and apologised to my son but he has done before and it always happens again.
Do I take his further and suggest he get help or move on? Is this normal on an occasional basis? Apart from my wonderful recently
deceased father, I haven’t had the best male experiences. A bi-polar angry stepfather and an emotionally abusive father to my kids. I don’t want to overreact but...

If your ds discloses such abuse to his teachers you may find ss at your door. You will be expected to choose your ds over his abuser op..

also the mothers of boys thing is BS, kids have different attitudes/personalities regardless of sex. I have one of each neither were gobby or back chatters

He could control his temper: does he have problems with it with work, friends etc? Doubt it. He has chosen to emotionally abuse your DS

You mention abusive males in your past. Suggest the Freedom Programme

What do you say to him when he is 'gobby' or refuses to do as he is told?

Is it effective? If so, let your husband see that your method has results and his doesn't.

If your method isn't effective, what do you think would help, how could you go about instigating it and could you both agree on it?

I do find it odd however that you say he's been with you and your children for 8 years, so since your son was age 3 (and basically too young to remember much different ) YET you call him YOUR son, not our son?!

If he's been with you this long, your son's behaviour is down to the both of you.

I'd be yelling too if my 11 yr old daring to talk back like that.

Not saying I agree with the language, but there must be more back story here.

Your son's behaviour and his response leaves a LOT to be desired and if you haven't 'allowed' this man to actually parent but just 'live' with you and 'your' children, it's no wonder this is happening. Your son clearly doesn't respect him at all and this is only going to get worse not better. I think your husband needs your support too as he's clearly struggling as well.

Honestly your son does sound like a spoilt, ill-mannered brat and if I lived with a gobby, back chatting, slobbish 11 year old for 8 years I think I might be calling him a prick too. Sort your kid out before you end up with a miniature version of his father.

"It seems to be a temper that isn’t under control"
In this sentence you are distancing your DH from his own behaviour. You refer to your DH's temper like something you keep under the stairs in a box because the truth of him being associated with that it not something you wish to acknowledge.
You don't want to accept that your partner is a man who emotionally abuses people despite being asked by you not to do it.
Look up books on codependency, this explains why you would seek to excuse men their bad behaviour because it doesn't feel safe to confront them about it.
The dynamic means in order to avoid your fears of abandonment, you will allow your partner free reign and not say 'anything much'.
It's a learned pattern of responding where someone (usually women) will put their own and their children's needs aside in order to accommodate the man's needs. Because we learned that men's feelings must be put first or they won't like you and then you'll be alone.

Would you be asking this question on mumsnet if DH was the biological father? (I realise that the biological father is emotionally abusive so this isn't the best comparison in this case).
Also, if you are hoping for reassurance on mumsnet then it doesn't look like you are going to get it. Have you thought about discussing it with friends and family who actually know your DH as a person and can comment on whether they think he is being abusive or occasionally loses his temper and really regrets it afterwards. How does your son feel about him? Was he upset by it?

You update makes the situation worse. You DH didn't want a long conversation about his behaviour. Basically, your DH behaves as he wants, is vile to your son, but apologises, won't talk about it and you think he is a good step parent?

Your DH is absolutely controlling the agenda and you are letting your son suffer as a result. I really think you need to stop defending your DH and think more about the affects his behaviours are having on your son.

@FlySheMust

Your son sounds like a bit of a brat but your DH shouldn't call him names.

Does he? OP has barely said anything about him.

YABU to be with a man like this who is abusive.
You put up with it for 8 years continue further if you want but ffs put your child first just for once and get him out of that situation.
8 years and you've done FA for your son.

@Wishforyou

Sorry I seem to have started two threads on this. 🙈technophobe. He just came upstairs as he’s working from home, I broached it, he didn’t want a long conversation about it but he agreed it wasn’t on. He said it’s been twice in eight years and I said I’ve picked him up way more times than that on name calling. It happens a few times a month. It was just worse and louder yesterday. I’ve said I want it to stop and not happen again and if he can’t do it on his own then yes *@blubberball and @porcupineinwaiting* I’ve suggested he get help / read up. Strategies are a good idea, it’s usually me saying quietly “too far, no swearing, stop yelling” but then he turns to me and says “do you support this appalling behaviour then? He’s disrespectful to you and me and ungrateful etc etc” My son is gobby and chats back. He’s over anxious about starting high school and has a lot of nervous energy. He’s hard work at times and sometimes we’ve wondered about ADHD as he cannot sit still or stop fiddling with things or stop talking but I’m an only child and whenever I spend time with mothers who have boys I think “oh, he’s normal!” 🤷🏼‍♀️

Your son is "gobby and chats back".

For starters all 11-year-olds push boundaries at some point.

However, given that your DH shouts, loses his temper and name calls I'd say he's also pretty "gobby" so what's going to encourage your DS to stop being so if your DH does it?

It's also quite telling that you say your DH "didn't want a long conversation about it" - does it not matter that you want a conversation about something you find problematic?

You are both teaching your children that it’s okay to verbally abuse someone that you love.

Your son sounds like a bit of a brat but your DH shouldn't call him names.

Does he? I can only see that the OP’s son sometimes talks back or refuses to tidy his room. Not exactly unusual 11 year old behaviour.

@AryaStarkWolf I have one who’s angelic and one who’s challenging. 🧐

@StarUtopia he still sees his biological dad, so no, we don’t call him ‘our’ son. But in all others ways he jointly parents. Some people are suggesting that I discipline alone going forward. I think this isn’t a bad idea actually.

@LovelyLovelyMe
I tell him his behaviour isn’t acceptable. I use distraction “oh i would love it if you help me with chopping the veg” (he loves to be involved). yesterday after this incident, I had got him mowing the lawn because he’s been desperate to do it, seeing it as a grown up thing to do. So I taught him how to start the mower, line up the rows etc. It was all going brilliantly and then my DH went out to have another pop at him.
I take him on long bike rides to get rid of his nervous energy, I do breathing exercises with him. He has counselling at school to build emotional resilience which is where a lot of the backchat comes from. A feeling of low self-worth. I tell him he’s beautiful, thoughtful (he is) and a fount of all knowledge (he loves facts) and pray that one day, it will all be okay. It’s been a painful, long journey. But I do think his behaviour and resilience are improving. He has so much going for him if only...has been the resounding sentence from his teachers throughout his life...I’m trying.

There are two issues and they're both closely related. Your DS is 11. They're not all 'gobby, chat back all the time, are hard work and refuse to tidy their room'. You need to stop making excuses for your DS and find a strategy for managing his behaviour that works. Or pursue a diagnosis if you genuinely think he has ADHD. You and your DH both need a consistent, joint approach to your DS. You're currently distracting from and minimising your DS' behaviour to focus on your DH.
Then there is the issue with your DH. He could attend anger management classes or parenting classes if necessary.

He's got an emotionally abuse father and step father. Poor kid. Is it really a surprise he's 'gobby'? He doesn't exactly have the best roll models. You need to prioritise your son.

Im sure that I lost it on the odd occasion and called my (bio) children pricks when they were acting well and truly like pricks. It doesn’t seem to have turned them into axe murderers or emotionally crippled adults. I’m sure if they were able to have those episodes replayed to them today they would willingly agree they were acting like pricks and should have been called out on it.

Tbh it sound like they are both as bad as each other.

I’d move out if I had to live with a gobby 11 year old. Fuck that.

Equally I wouldn’t live with a man that called one of my kids a prick.

Sounds a bit of a mess OP. Your dp isn’t entirely to blame here, you and your ds are also to blame

Ime your ds is misbehaving because he has no respect for his sf.. Wonder why? He will be disrespectful to you before too long as you are allowing his home to be like it is.
A not so happy place...
New life =new ds ime....

His resilience isn't going to improve if his step dad calls him a brat and a prick. I imagine he has poor self worth because of his dad and his step dad is reinforcing this.

Sorry cross-post. It sounds as though you're doing a lot with your DS. The fact that your DH went back out to deliberately annoy him when you had calmed the situation, is not good at all. I would be thinking about the serious changes that need to happen going forward. If your DH refuses to discuss this then write a letter making it clear he has to commit to changing (through counselling or classes) or he will need to leave.

It’s always hard to get the whole story on a forum like this but if you take the incident by itself it totally wrong for your DH to call your son a prick and to swear at him.

That said, you said your song is a gobby so what do you do about it?

If your DH has put lots of time and money into making a home for you and your children but gets a mouthful of abuse from your ds and you don’t punish / discipline then your DH is going to get pissed off with him. Not acceptable to call your son a prick but we need more information on whether your son is badly behaved and how you deal and punish his bad behaviour.

“My son is gobby and chats back.”

I think you have identified the real problem here. Don’t agree with calling a child a prick but it sounds like your DH is loosing his patience watching your son be disrespectful towards you and him. I think you should be sorting out your child’s rude/gobby behaviour, I can see your DH’s frustration if you are just allowing it.

You are helping him with resilience so he is better able to cope with your partners behaviour?

What exactly made him have a pop at your son while he was mowing the lawn?

Your sons nervous and anxious behaviour sounds like it's been caused by your husband, it's really sad that you have allowed this to happen.