DH called my son a prick.

[Wishforyou]

In most ways DH is a supportive loving husband and a good stepfather to my two children and he has been now for the last 8 years.
However, his tolerance levels are low. He really yells when my DS who is 11, talks back or refuses to tidy his room etc. Yesterday during one of these exchanges he swore three times, I forget all of the words, there was a f*ck in there somewhere but he called my son a prick. He’s also called him a brat and various other things in the past. It seems to be a temper that isn’t under control. He has never hit any of us and wouldn’t. He’s spent a lot of money and time getting my son’s bedroom decorated recently, he’s invested in all of us.
But calling my son a prick no matter how pre-teeny he is being isn’t ok with me. I didn’t say much yesterday, apart from he should be modelling behaviour that he wants my son to adopt. I.e. not peppering his language with swear words.
Afterwards he said sorry and apologised to my son but he has done before and it always happens again.
Do I take his further and suggest he get help or move on? Is this normal on an occasional basis? Apart from my wonderful recently
deceased father, I haven’t had the best male experiences. A bi-polar angry stepfather and an emotionally abusive father to my kids. I don’t want to overreact but...

@SoulofanAggron

Given DH has been around for 8 years, I can't see that you suddenly deciding to discipline DS alone - disregarding his involvement - will go down particularly well.

Tough shit. It's a response to how he's acted.

Will you expect him to stop financially contributing to his upbringing too?

Money doesn't give him a license to abuse a child.

--
PP's- no behaviour of a child can excuse his response.

My point was this is a very odd relationship given that he's been around since DS was 3 years old and DD 1. It doesn't sound like a family unit at all.

I think the OP has been far too vague to declare this abuse.

@Feedingthebirds1 no I don’t know the exact words. My son mumbled under his breath about tidying his room (I don’t believe anyone could decipher it, most of the mumblings are indecipherable). My husband blew his top not at what he said but that he said anything at all and that the tone was grumbly.

@Waxonwaxoff0

This is exactly why I, as a single parent, will never move a man into my home. It's never in the best interests of the children.

Yes because all step parents are inherently bad and damaging for children.

I’m not actually sure what he did wrong. I heard some “under breath” grumbling about tidying his room and we went from there to the roar of my husband saying “what did you say to me, come back here and tell me what you said to me...”

From an adult male to a 11 year old boy, that's chilling. Agree with other posters that unless your DH gets some serious help, it'll affect your relationship with your DC for years, perhaps permanently.

Just s wild shot in the dark, but he's not in the armed forces or ex-forces is he?

Your latest update @Wishforyou raises lots of red flags for me about your marriage.

You seem to be like 2 single people, not a couple.

For example, you refer to it as your house, which you own, yet in 8 years' of marriage it's never been put in joint names.

Then you said he paid to decorate your son's room.

That's not how married people usually work!

It's HIS son's room too.

These things may seem trivial to you but to me they show a bigger picture where you and your son are a family unit and your husband is on the outside.

Do you think this is why he behaves as he does towards your son who back-chats him when he asks him to tidy his room?

(And I don't think your happy/ tears of laughter face about your own lack of tidiness as a child is funny. If your son carries on like this, someone else will be on here in 20 years' time complaining he won't do his share of the housework and tidying up! You could be raising him as entitled, expecting other people to clean up after him.)

From an adult male to a 11 year old boy, that's chilling

Are you serious? A boy backchats his step dad who has possibly had a really tough and stressful day, trying to work in a small house, who had decorated and paid for the boy's room, and he shouts 'what did you say?'

You think that's bad when this lad has given him a mouthful albeit under his breath?

@Wishforyou Does your son always 'mumble under his breath' when his stepdad asks him to do something totally reasonable?

Absolutely serious.

I bet he doesn't roar like that at grown men his own size.

I am interested to understand why your DS school are worried about his emotional well being? What has happened previously?

My 5 yr old has been getting support at school for emotional resilience, I know exactly why he is getting that support, his father has been ill with a terminal diagnosis and spent a couple of months in hospital when first diagnosed. His older teenage brother is getting counselling for the same thing. Hence my question?

He ought to be apologising to your child ..He wouldnt speak to mine who ever he thought he was.How dare he abuse your child like that.You should have stepped in there and then and not allowed it to continue.He sounds a class a pillock and if he cant be right with your kids then fuck him off.You shape your kids at this age..he is damaging them beyond belief and so will you be if you allow him to continue.This isnt a case of kids winning its a case of him being very very wrong. A few cans of paint and a few rolls of wallpaper arent an investment or a decent swap for years of abuse.What does he do when you arent there to hear would be my next question..get rid.

I wouldn’t be happy with this. If any man thought it was acceptable to call my child names he would be an ex. Please protect your son before it messes up his head and strains your relationship.

@differentnameforthis

Thank you. Judging by your first post you have had a similar experience.

This thread has really upset me.

(Sorry, I can't figure out how to quote someone's original post)

@JinglingHellsBells I don’t really care how married couples “usually” work. For various reasons he moved in with me & for various reasons (not least the sheer blood, sweat and tears buying it and doing it up as a single mum) I haven’t felt obliged to gift half to anyone else just because they put a ring on it. As I said, when I have a job we will upgrade and he will contribute to a mortgage and at that point and only that point, will it be a joint financial affair and my hard earned equity will be protected for my children’s future. Because that’s just how I roll.

My mother worked 15 hrs days. I didn’t see her much. She wasn’t around to get me to tidy my room. You may not find it funny that I therefore lived in a shit-tip of a room. But I do. It doesn’t mean I don’t think my son should tidy his. I just think on a scale of a national pandemic, people dying, jobs being lost (all of which has happened in my immediate family) a tidy room is the last of my worries.

@Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe I did step in there and then. I said immediately “not acceptable.” I’ve also said since that I won’t tolerate it happening again under any circumstances. I’ve also told my son that whilst I don’t condone his back chat, I also don’t condone my husband’s name-calling, that he was wrong to do that and I’ve asked him that it doesn’t happen again. I don’t want my son growing up thinking he can just call anyone a prick when they irritate him.

I’d better drop mine off at social services now. I’ve definitely sworn at them when they piss me off 🤷🏼‍♀️

@elephantday82 yelling “you’re a prick” is another level up from the odd “for fuck’s sake.”
I think you’re safe.

Muttering under your breath when asked to do something reasonable is really disrespectful. He's 11...he can understand that. As a one off incident I don't think it will do him any harm to know that everyone has their limit and your behaviour has consequences. I remember calling my mother a bitch...I was slapped hard round my face. I wouldn't hit my dc and I don't agree with physical punishment but was I abused? No I wasn't and I certainly didn't speak to her like that again.

My husband blew his top not at what he said but that he said anything at all and that the tone was grumbly.

With the greatest of respect, what the fuck is your husband planning to do when your son's tone goes from "grumbly" to "aggro-don't-call-me-a-prick-you-twat"? Your DH is not a good step parent. At all. And as someone who is married to a DH who isn't DS1's Dad, I am ALL about the step parents, so please don't mistake me for one of those cliche'd step-parent haters because I really am not.

You can close to continue living with this shitarse, by all means. But the time will come where your son confronts him over his language and you will face the choice of protecting your DH or protecting your son. I suspect you'll probably protect your DH, since you're currently saying "I don't want my son doing x" but allowing a man in your home to do exactly that. Your son will model the behaviour he sees and when he does, what's the betting your DH blows his top and reacts even more aggressively?

It's like a bonfire has been lit now - you know it's burning and you can ignore it, but it's going to burn hotter and hotter til your son goes up in flames. You have the choice to put the fire out, but only you can do that. Your 11 year old can't. Your DH has no intention of putting out the fire; it suits him to behave like a prize arse to a child. It's on you, OP.

I agree that 'you're a prick' is a level up. He isnt talking to your DS like a dedicated father figure- he is acting like a frustrated adult dealing with someone he doesnt like. My step dad was a lovely man and never spoke to me or my siblings like that....ever. He was my confidante, we would have long conversations about life and he supported me alot.

@formerbabe

Muttering under your breath when asked to do something reasonable is really disrespectful. He's 11...he can understand that. As a one off incident I don't think it will do him any harm to know that everyone has their limit and your behaviour has consequences. I remember calling my mother a bitch...I was slapped hard round my face. I wouldn't hit my dc and I don't agree with physical punishment but was I abused? No I wasn't and I certainly didn't speak to her like that again.

It’s not a one off incident. It happens several times a month.

I remember calling my mother a bitch...I was slapped hard round my face. I wouldn't hit my dc and I don't agree with physical punishment but was I abused? No I wasn't and I certainly didn't speak to her like that again

What if every time you chatted back a bit or some other standard preteen behaviour, or didn't tidy your room, or just irritated her a bit, instead of just telling you off like a normal parent and teaching you how to behave, she instead shouted at you and called you a bitch? Multiple times per month.

Cos that's exactly what OP is saying her DH does.

Abuse, social services?!! give over. Your Ds sounds like a typical pre teen & your Dh sounds like a man who reacted like many parents do when they've had enough of the back chat. I'm pretty sweary with my teens, if they are acting like a prick I'm gonna tell them. Hasn't had a damaging affect on them, we have a very loving & close relationship.

No this is not a one off & he also yells too loud and too hard at his own daughter who for the most part has a great relationship with him. I’ve had three-way conversations where his daughter tells him he crosses a line and is too loud and scary and I have agreed with her in front of him and told him he needs to calm it down. He had a physically abusive alcoholic father until 9 or 10 until he left. I have told him it’s like watching a different person emerge from within. I understand everyone’s concerns on hitting but no he hasn’t done it in 8 years and he won’t. He‘s super friendly with the mother of his child there’s no history of abuse. This is a temper issue. He is usually loving and caring and funny. But I’m not excusing him. End of the road for me. I asked him whether he’d do it if any of our formidable mothers were in the house and he said “I don’t know” ur yes you do. There’s no way he’d call any of the children that in front of his mother. The very fact I’m on here asking for an opinion instead of from any of our family of friends says it all really. Not acceptable.

When I say end of the road. I’ve told him it doesn’t happen again. Not that I’m leaving. I’d it does happen, then I might.

I don’t really care how married couples “usually” work. For various reasons he moved in with me & for various reasons (not least the sheer blood, sweat and tears buying it and doing it up as a single mum) I haven’t felt obliged to gift half to anyone else just because they put a ring on it.

@Wishforyou Do you appreciate that as a married couple, your husband stands to gain 50% of whatever you own as assets if you divorce?Unless you have a pre-nup (which is incredibly hard to enforce in the UK) the starting point in divorce is 50-50. So that kind of blows your theory out of the water.

Imagine if the boot was on the other foot and man came to MN saying the same thing - that he wouldn't 'gift' the home to his wife.

You don't sound as if you love him very much from your comments, or work together as a couple regarding your son. Is that why he might be playing one of you off against the other? (which kids do - divide and conquer.)

Ideally, you both need to sit down as both his parents (is he officially adopted by your H?) and discuss how to manage his behaviour because being arsey at 11 is going to escalate to an awful lot more than he's doing now once those hormones kick in and he's a stroppy 15 year old.

What have you said or done with your son to get him to understand his behaviour is out of line? Have you any punishment/ reward system in place?