DH called my son a prick.

[Wishforyou]

In most ways DH is a supportive loving husband and a good stepfather to my two children and he has been now for the last 8 years.
However, his tolerance levels are low. He really yells when my DS who is 11, talks back or refuses to tidy his room etc. Yesterday during one of these exchanges he swore three times, I forget all of the words, there was a f*ck in there somewhere but he called my son a prick. He’s also called him a brat and various other things in the past. It seems to be a temper that isn’t under control. He has never hit any of us and wouldn’t. He’s spent a lot of money and time getting my son’s bedroom decorated recently, he’s invested in all of us.
But calling my son a prick no matter how pre-teeny he is being isn’t ok with me. I didn’t say much yesterday, apart from he should be modelling behaviour that he wants my son to adopt. I.e. not peppering his language with swear words.
Afterwards he said sorry and apologised to my son but he has done before and it always happens again.
Do I take his further and suggest he get help or move on? Is this normal on an occasional basis? Apart from my wonderful recently
deceased father, I haven’t had the best male experiences. A bi-polar angry stepfather and an emotionally abusive father to my kids. I don’t want to overreact but...

With regards to the ops dh, he could be an abusive bastard, he could have been at the end of his tether. It's not great, but, if you've never experienced raising teen or pre teen boys, then you have no idea. My ds is 12...I love the bones of him but he can be completely vile quite honestly. As for discipline, beside confiscating electronics, suggest something?

@Shoopdedoop

Once the adults are behaving like adults then the OP can tackle her son's behaviour

Well this is a whole lot of BS. It's not like DH is flying off the handle unprovoked. It took gobby back chatting to incite the response from DH. Clearly the son was behaving like a brat long before the DH weighed in. DS behaviors is by far the bigger issue as it sounds like DH has already owned up their behaviour and is in the process of addressing it. Fixing the behaviour of an emotional pre-teen with years of getting away with it is going to be a total nightmare.

The DH has owned his behaviour?

The man who has repeatedly apologised in the past, told the OP he didn't want a long conversation about it, actively went out to have another pop at the child when the OP had calmed the situation and downplayed how often he did it by saying twice in 8 years when it' actually several times a month?

Yes. I'm sure his latest apology is a completely genuine one and he'll turn over a whole new leaf...

Fixing the behaviou of an emotional pre-teen will be a hell of a lot easier if said pre-teen is not getting badgered by his step-father repeatedly.

@formerbabe

With regards to the ops dh, he could be an abusive bastard, he could have been at the end of his tether. It's not great, but, if you've never experienced raising teen or pre teen boys, then you have no idea. My ds is 12...I love the bones of him but he can be completely vile quite honestly. As for discipline, beside confiscating electronics, suggest something?

Not a single person has said that parenting a boy of that age is easy. Not one.

It's not difficult to restrain yourself from resorting to repeatedly name-calling a child though.

What comes over from this thread is how many MNetters are perfect parents who have never shouted at their children or lost their tempers or sworn in anger

What comes over to me from this thread is how many people can't read the OP and OP's posts, or twist the words to fit their own narrative. To be fair, that happens on almost every thread on here. It's pretty weird actually.

it seems that a few episodes of someone losing their rag with a teen is a reason for a 2nd divorce which will hardly do the son any good

The boy is 11, not a teen. It's a few episodes per month. Losing their rag in this context is pretty serious because it's repeatedly berating him and calling him rude names.

So a man swearing at an 11-year-old and calling him names like "prick" on a regular basis (multiple times per month) = loses his rag with a teen a few times?

Its so interesting all the posters who think DH is the issue here and getting rid of him is the answer...OP will STILL have an ungrateful bratty pre teen to cope with. People are ridiculous on MN when it comes to step parenting, they are seen as evil just for being human. If this post was about a bio dad I doubt you would all be so quick to tell OP to leave him

@Backtoschoolnotsoonenough

Be prepared for ss to get involved op. Back to school will give ds a chance to find someone to fight his corner... It should bloody well be you op.

You're deluded if you think SS will get involved over this. 🙄

@PixieLee123

Its so interesting all the posters who think DH is the issue here and getting rid of him is the answer...OP will STILL have an ungrateful bratty pre teen to cope with. People are ridiculous on MN when it comes to step parenting, they are seen as evil just for being human. If this post was about a bio dad I doubt you would all be so quick to tell OP to leave him

She'll still have the teen to deal with, but she'll be able to deal with him without him getting name-called in his own home.

And the OP will be able to deal with the DS rather than having to try and stop her DH going too far.

If the DH doesn't like the way the OP parent then he should talk to her. Or leave. It's amazing how many people on here seem to think his verbal bashing is acceptable when the child's own mother has told him to stop it.

@PixieLee123

Its so interesting all the posters who think DH is the issue here and getting rid of him is the answer...OP will STILL have an ungrateful bratty pre teen to cope with. People are ridiculous on MN when it comes to step parenting, they are seen as evil just for being human. If this post was about a bio dad I doubt you would all be so quick to tell OP to leave him

They would. It's the default solution to any issue involving a bloke.

@NerrSnerr

His resilience isn't going to improve if his step dad calls him a brat and a prick. I imagine he has poor self worth because of his dad and his step dad is reinforcing this.

I would agree with this.

What you don't want is you son remembering that you prioritised this man over him and then him leaving home as soon as he can because his mum married an arsehole and put him first.

Your DH has no idea about parenting it seems. Either he gets some help or you show him the door.

@Reubenshat

Tbh it sound like they are both as bad as each other.

I’d move out if I had to live with a gobby 11 year old. Fuck that.

Equally I wouldn’t live with a man that called one of my kids a prick.

Sounds a bit of a mess OP. Your dp isn’t entirely to blame here, you and your ds are also to blame

You're equating the behaviour of an 11 year-old with that of a grown man?

The 'gobby 11 year-old' can grow out of his behaviour. What's the man's excuse?

I can understand losing your temper, and it takes time to build up the ability to recognise that you're about to lose it and dial yourself down, which as a step parent you wouldn't have.

However - I couldn't ever imagine calling a child a prick or brat or whatever. He needs to either go or get help OP, your son is about to be a teenager and almost certainly won't get any easier to deal with!

OP - I'd move this out of AIBU if I were you...

Some people assume I don’t discipline my child from the fact I took him out to mow the lawn 😅 I’m not actually sure what he did wrong. I heard some “under breath” grumbling about tidying his room and we went from there to the roar of my husband saying “what did you say to me, come back here and tell me what you said to me...” My husband had tidied his room the day previously so whilst I think he had cause to pick up on the back chat, the elevation seemed extreme. Also, I think people are right that the current working from home situ doesn’t help. We only have one reception room for eating working and playing. So I took him outside - away from my husband. But I did also tell him he needed to keep his room tidy.

I do discipline, I just don’t think some things are worth using up energy on; like a minor grumble about room tidying. From what I can remember, no one told me to tidy my room growing up and as a result it was a tip all my childhood 😅

No one has expressed any major concerns about my son’s behaviour, not my stepmum, not my mum, not the school or any of our friends. He’s gobby but he’s not about to get his first asbo or anything. The school were only concerned about his emotional wellbeing. So yes, calling him a prick isn’t going to help that.

For all those that have picked up on “non-togetherness” ...It’s my house, my husband moved in. I usually pay for decorating as it’s in my name. But I lost my job in the pandemic and my husband paid for decorating my son’s room which needed doing. That’s why I sound grateful. The plan is to buy a bigger house in both names but with me losing my job we’ve had to stay put for now.

Not a single person has said that parenting a boy of that age is easy. Not one

I'm simply saying that if you haven't experience of parenting a boy that age then your opinion is really irrelevant. I have some really lovely, kind, patient family members who after visiting me have murmured 'i don't know how you put up with it' in regards to my ds!

Its so interesting all the posters who think DH is the issue here and getting rid of him is the answer...OP will STILL have an ungrateful bratty pre teen to cope with

Because OP hasn't given any indication that her son's behaviour is causing her a problem. She said he's a typical preteen at times and"My son is gobby and chats back. He’s over anxious about starting high school and has a lot of nervous energy. He’s hard work at times", which as many people have said, is pretty normal for an 11-year-old. She said she has her own strategies for dealing with it that do not involve shouting or calling him names. That's also pretty normal. So what's the issue here? Apart from people twisting it to try to defend a guy who shouts at an 11-year-old and calls him names "a few times per month"!

@formerbabe

Not a single person has said that parenting a boy of that age is easy. Not one

I'm simply saying that if you haven't experience of parenting a boy that age then your opinion is really irrelevant. I have some really lovely, kind, patient family members who after visiting me have murmured 'i don't know how you put up with it' in regards to my ds!

You're making assumptions about who has and hasn'tt parented a boy that age.

Well this is a whole lot of BS. It's not like DH is flying off the handle unprovoked. It took gobby back chatting to incite the response from DH. Clearly the son was behaving like a brat long before the DH weighed in. DS behaviors is by far the bigger issue as it sounds like DH has already owned up their behaviour and is in the process of addressing it. Fixing the behaviour of an emotional pre-teen with years of getting away with it is going to be a total nightmare.

Another one who hasn't read the OP's posts properly. Her DH flies off the handle multiple times a month, for things as small as "DS didn't clean his room". So hardly like he's just some poor bloke who's finally reached the end of his tether with a boy who keeps being "gobby".

OP has never said she's letting her DS get away with anything and not disciplining him, either. I don't know how people are getting that idea from the simple fact that she doesn't want her DH constantly shouting and calling him names.

@PhilSwagielka

I think we know who the prick here is and he's not your son.

This.

I heard some “under breath” grumbling about tidying his room and we went from there to the roar of my husband saying “what did you say to me, come back here and tell me what you said to me...”

OP do you know what your DH thought DS said, and do you know what he actually said?

I'm still not excusing DH's behaviour, but it would give a lot of context to know.

Some people assume I don’t discipline my child from the fact I took him out to mow the lawn

No, but some of us have pointed out that it seemed like rewarding him. Hence my question above.

Is it coincidental that problems are arising now that DS is reaching his teenage years?

In OP own words DH has been supportive and good step-father for 8 years. The behaviour of both DS and DH needs to be addressed and can be improved.

So many PP quick to call for an end to the relationship without even attempting to fix the issue. Probably projecting their own loneliness/failed relationships. Misery loves company I suppose.

No, that’s not acceptable. You need to protect your son.
You don’t want him growing up thinking that that is how you speak to and treat children.

Given DH has been around for 8 years, I can't see that you suddenly deciding to discipline DS alone - disregarding his involvement - will go down particularly well.

Tough shit. It's a response to how he's acted.

Will you expect him to stop financially contributing to his upbringing too?

Money doesn't give him a license to abuse a child.

--
PP's- no behaviour of a child can excuse his response.

He wouldn't do that again to a child of mine.

@blubberball

I have to set myself some boundaries in relationships, and this would be one of them. I'd rather be single than have my family tiptoeing on eggshells around a man's temper.

Me too - I would never put my children through this.

This is exactly why I, as a single parent, will never move a man into my home. It's never in the best interests of the children.