DH called my son a prick.

[Wishforyou]

In most ways DH is a supportive loving husband and a good stepfather to my two children and he has been now for the last 8 years.
However, his tolerance levels are low. He really yells when my DS who is 11, talks back or refuses to tidy his room etc. Yesterday during one of these exchanges he swore three times, I forget all of the words, there was a f*ck in there somewhere but he called my son a prick. He’s also called him a brat and various other things in the past. It seems to be a temper that isn’t under control. He has never hit any of us and wouldn’t. He’s spent a lot of money and time getting my son’s bedroom decorated recently, he’s invested in all of us.
But calling my son a prick no matter how pre-teeny he is being isn’t ok with me. I didn’t say much yesterday, apart from he should be modelling behaviour that he wants my son to adopt. I.e. not peppering his language with swear words.
Afterwards he said sorry and apologised to my son but he has done before and it always happens again.
Do I take his further and suggest he get help or move on? Is this normal on an occasional basis? Apart from my wonderful recently
deceased father, I haven’t had the best male experiences. A bi-polar angry stepfather and an emotionally abusive father to my kids. I don’t want to overreact but...

Ss did indeed intervene when I reported a woman for swearing and screaming in her dc's face. It is abuse..
Sad some don't agree.

That's horrible. Your poor son, at 11 he's very young. It's disgusting and I would not tolerate it

@FudgeBrownie2019

My husband blew his top not at what he said but that he said anything at all and that the tone was grumbly.

With the greatest of respect, what the fuck is your husband planning to do when your son's tone goes from "grumbly" to "aggro-don't-call-me-a-prick-you-twat"? Your DH is not a good step parent. At all. And as someone who is married to a DH who isn't DS1's Dad, I am ALL about the step parents, so please don't mistake me for one of those cliche'd step-parent haters because I really am not.

You can close to continue living with this shitarse, by all means. But the time will come where your son confronts him over his language and you will face the choice of protecting your DH or protecting your son. I suspect you'll probably protect your DH, since you're currently saying "I don't want my son doing x" but allowing a man in your home to do exactly that. Your son will model the behaviour he sees and when he does, what's the betting your DH blows his top and reacts even more aggressively?

It's like a bonfire has been lit now - you know it's burning and you can ignore it, but it's going to burn hotter and hotter til your son goes up in flames. You have the choice to put the fire out, but only you can do that. Your 11 year old can't. Your DH has no intention of putting out the fire; it suits him to behave like a prize arse to a child. It's on you, OP.

If calling your parent a twat is par for the course in your household, you have bigger worries than the OP. Is this how you believe all children and teenagers behave? Only the specially patented ones who have their parents make excuses for everything behave in this way.

When I say end of the road. I’ve told him it doesn’t happen again. Not that I’m leaving. I’d it does happen, then I might.

What does this even mean OP?

If it happens again then you might leave but you might not, but it's the end of the road - for what exactly if you don't leave?

and at that point and only that point, will it be a joint financial affair and my hard earned equity will be protected for my children’s future. Because that’s just how I roll.

That's not how the law rolls. As you're married assets are joint and will be divided as such in the case of a divorce.

Exactly @SixesAndEights

@Wishforyou You forfeited your sole ownership of your house the minute you got married. Do you not realise this?

If a man came on here and said he'd been married for 8 years but he wasn't willing to allow his wife to share ownership, for a start everyone would laugh and say he didn't understand how the law works in the case of divorce, but it doesn't say much about their relationship.

That's why some couples live together, and have wills that bypass the person they live with so their assets go to their children or whoever they choose.

Once you are married it doesn't work like that.
I appreciate you worked hard as a single mum to buy it, but once you married, that changed, by law.

As for not asking your son to tidy his room (which has step dad has paid to be spruced up) because of the pandemic, that's not really credible. Yes, in the grand scheme of things it may not be that important, but day to day family life is still around us all.

@JinglingHellsBells you’re getting like a dog with a bone. You’re way off topic, I have no interest in conversing with you on my financial affairs or my marriage. You’re also reading things that aren’t there, I do ask my son to tidy his room. Thanks

*My son is gobby and chats back

So you expect another adult who is not their bio father to accept that and not occasionally get annoyed?

There's a difference between getting annoyed and calling a child a prick and swearing at him. Particularly when you are that child's stepfather and should expect to set a good example.

But you are conversing with me @Wishforyou :)

I think it is very much on topic. The reason for that is your DH 'paid' for your son's room to be decorated. That shows a slightly odd set up when you have been married for 8 years and appears to show you don't share finances (and he isn't a joint owner of your house.)

If your DH paid to have your son's (I notice it's never 'our' son) room decorated and your son can't be bothered to tidy it, and back chats when he's asked to do it, maybe your DH has reason to be annoyed?

So who pays for what is relevant .

You don't seem to be 'together' as a couple with the money side and maybe not with your approach to parenting either.

Although he's been your H for 8 years, you write as if you aren't married both in the way you talk about YOUR son and how the money works. (If you aren't working now, your H presumably pays for everything anyway?)

Your son will pick up these vibes and play you off against each other.

Your DH can't have it both ways. On one side he is controlling this kid and the other he is making demands on him to be more mature.
Why did your DH clean the lad's room for him? Because your DH couldn't stand the room being untidy and then it becomes a 'look! I've had to clean up after you too! Instead of 'why don't we clean your room I would like to help you'.
The thing to do is ask the boy to help clean his room and both do it together, eventually then he can do it on his own.
Likewise mowing the lawn - your DH couldn't leave your son to find his own way and do it - no, he had go out and tell him what he was doing wrong. That's what controlling people do - they are compelled to control - other people's 'shoddy' behaviour seems to be a reflection on them. Other people are an extension of themselves not another separate person who is allowed to make mistakes.

I think that lots of people get to a stage of having a frayed temper when trying to deal with a so called brat of a child, and so go forth with angry words towards them, and although not perfect behaviour, it is what can happen in a moment of being angry about something.

This was NOT angry words. Calling a child names is abusive behaviour.

^This 100%. My DH and I have both been pushed to our limit by our DD1 (11). She's actually been violent towards me in the past, though she's moved past that mostly. She will still throw whatever is to hand when in a rage, though. She and DD2 (8) are both adopted and are full birth siblings. And DD1 also has SEN.

Yes, I've been pushed to the limit, and so has my DH. But we manage not to call her names. However angry you might be, there's never an excuse for that.

The part that really worries me about the OP's DH is him going out into the garden to have another go at her DS. It's the sort of thing that my abusive F used to do, having a go for the sake of it. That is NOT because of having been pushed beyond endurance, that's him looking to have another pop at him.

And if it's happening several times a month, that really does suggest to me that the OP's DH goes out of his way to pick a fight with her DS. And sorry, but yes that's abusive.

(I notice it's never 'our' son)

@JinglingHellsBells Why would she say "our son" when he's not the DH's son and still has a relationship with his father?

If she did say our son she'd get shot down on here for disrespecting her son's father, causing confusion etc.

Self esteem,lost as a child,is never recovered,however tough you are,however strong and confident you appear,that small child within will be knowing they are never going to be good enough.
Stop this abuse whilst you can op.

@Shoopdedoop

Intrepidintrovert

Poor little boy? Or perhaps cheeky little s**t who gets away with murder from a soft mother who refuses to discipline or enforce basic good housekeeping, and makes every excuse under the sun to defend brat like behaviour

For all we know the step father has sat by biting his tongue but after watching his partner get the p**s ripped out of her for too long has decided to say something.

Maybe the language used was uncalled for but all these PP painting the 'poor wee boy' scenario makes me lol. 11 year olds are more than capable of keeping their room tidy and shouldn't be talking back to the people putting a roof over their head.

None of that justifies abusing a child.

@formerbabe With regards to the ops dh, he could be an abusive bastard, he could have been at the end of his tether.

he spends an awful lot of time at the end of his tether then, as he does this - according to op - a few times a month!

@Wishforyou Some people assume I don’t discipline my child

Because on MN it's easier to blame a child for being a child, than blame a parent/step parent for being abusive. MN hold kids to a WAY higher standard than they they do adults.

What I actually suspect it is... is that (some of) the people defending your dh recognise themselves in him. And to agree that he is abusive means they have to re-frame their behaviour.

@JinglingHellsBells Are you serious? A boy backchats his step dad who has possibly had a really tough and stressful day, trying to work in a small house, who had decorated and paid for the boy's room, and he shouts 'what did you say?'

Please will you STOP minimising and excusing abuse. Kids of all ages backchat, that DOES NOT excuse an adult calling them names and being intimidating (both are abusive behaviours, by the way) and you constantly defending this man is sickening!

@JinglingHellsBells I have been married for 26yrs, I have a separate bank account to my dh...

There is no problem having separate finances to your spouse. In fact, it makes good financial sense for the woman.

Your husband sounds verbally abusive. I grew up in that type of atmosphere and it is hell on earth. I think deep down you realize he has serious anger issues. Your son's anxiety might diminish if your husband didn't harangue him so often. Your son has no choice in who his parents pick as partners so I think you should think long and hard about his relationship with his own daughter and your son

[quote differentnameforthis]@JinglingHellsBells I have been married for 26yrs, I have a separate bank account to my dh...

There is no problem having separate finances to your spouse. In fact, it makes good financial sense for the woman.[/quote]
That's not really the problem, though. The problem for the OP is that she believes her husband has no claim on her house because he doesn't own it. Yet he very much does have a claim particularly when he's paying for things like redecorating, showing that he has invested in it himself.

The OP is deluding herself if she thinks he doesn't.

as a married couple, your husband stands to gain 50% of whatever you own as assets if you divorce?Unless you have a pre-nup (which is incredibly hard to enforce in the UK) the starting point in divorce is 50-50. So that kind of blows your theory out of the water.

Op, this struck me too when you said he won't get anything until you upgrade. Not out of the slightest criticism for you, bit out of concern.

Because when you're married I don't think it matters if he's not in the mortgage/deeds and/or doesn't make mortgage payments.

I'm in NI and we mostly adhere to UK laws/standards and I know of two women off the top of my head whose husbands contributed nothing to their houses bit were forced to pay them settlements when they divorced.

One (quite short marriage too) was able to raise the pay out to him and stay in her home I believe. The other had to sell and is now living in social housing because she couldn't afford to get back on the property ladder.

I was told by a solicitor that my husband would get at least 25% of my property equity if we divorced (bought ten years before we got married, his name is on nothing).

Maybe you should get legal advice on this (if you haven't already in case you were to split at some point).

Back on the main topic op, there are three things that make me think this is a DH problem, rather than a son problem.

A. The fact he does this sort of thing nearly every month (if I got this tight)

B. The face that his reaction to your son grumbling/back chatting a bit was pretty extreme, over the top to me. He sounds quite volatile, a bit if an angry man type. He could have dealt with it without escalating it like that.

C. That he actually went out to the garden where you were trying to do something distracting and constructive with your son and had a go at him again (!)

It's all pretty volatile, bullying, high pitched .... It just be v stressful for you - and it's not helping your son at all.

*@JinglingHellsBells I have been married for 26yrs, I have a separate bank account to my dh...
@differentnameforthis
That's not the issue. I've been married far longer than you (if we are trading length of marriage) and always had my own savings, pensions, investments. I was always able to be financially independent.

The issue is that the OP thinks her husband would have no claim on their assets if they split up. That's wrong because the starting point for divorce is a 50-50 split.

And I am NOT excusing the father- I'm actually trying to look at this a bit more deeply than some of the posts.
No, he shouldn't shout but is there a family on the planet who behaves as perfect parents and never, ever loses it with their child?
Show me one, please!

My point is that the OP's marriage seems to be the issue that needs sorting because she doesn't appear to be working as a team with her H, (right down to not understanding how finances work once you are married.)

Step family relationships are never easy and stepson/ step father relationships are notoriously hard as boys start puberty. This is especially so if the the boy and mother have a really close bond which excludes the step dad.

I doubt OP is reading but my advice would be to see a professional child psychologist/ parenting expert, who can help with parenting issues and the possible ADHD.

A. The fact he does this sort of thing nearly every month (if I got this tight)

You got it wrong. It's "a few times a month" in OP's exact words.

I'm sorry, but the OP's DH losing it this often with his DSS over backchat means that he either has no control over his temper (in which case he shouldn't be around children unless he has anger management sessions) or he hasn't lost control and is being abusive.

My DSis is a stepmum and she was primary carer for her DSS during his teen years. He gave her plenty of backchat but she managed not to lose it with him. I bet that if the OP was talking about herself and her DSS, there wouldn't have been many people referring to her DSS as a brat; she would have been the evil stepmother who resented her DSS. Typical MN double standards, I think.

I never really understand the point in threads like these....anyone who is saying you should kick your DH out you defend him and people saying you should discipline DS more you say you already do and start making DH sound worse. You seem to get quite annoyed/defensive by some people’s opinions or advice..maybe AIBU wasn’t the best place for this

I would ask him whether he would be ashamed if someone outside the family heard or witnessed him shouting in this way. Chances are he knows this is unacceptable. Yes, teenagers are exceptionally difficult but he either needs to walk away and deal with the situation later or he lets you deal with it.