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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends with money

217 replies

Ritascornershop · 31/08/2020 19:57

I was one of a few working class kids in a posh state school. So from a very young age I had friends whose parents made (compared to my parents) a lot of money. None of their mums worked, all had vacation homes, all were given cars for their birthdays when of age to drive. When we grew up we stayed friends, saw each other constantly. I couldn’t go on skiing holidays with them as I couldn’t afford it, but otherwise was included in group things.

By their early 20’s all had either been given homes to live in or rental properties (with multiple flats) to rent out for money. Of course my parents could not afford this.

Now, in middle age, they’ve all been mortgage free for decades whereas (since buying my ex out of the house so the kids didn’t have to move) I have 20 years left on my mortgage. They’ve all got bags of money in the bank and have inherited more (my dad died without life insurance and my mum had her savings stolen before I was aware of it so too late to protect her in that way). They all have holiday homes. None of them have high-earning jobs, it’s all inherited properties and highly valuable art work and antiques and stocks and cash. (Yes I do know how muchish this stuff is worth as they talk about while I’ve helped them sort things for auctions).

Is anyone else in this position? I find it a tad difficult that when I first got divorced no-one ever said “is there anything I can do?” “Can I send my gardener around?” “Your washing machine is broken? A new one is on its way.”

Do I need new friends? I just feel like if I was that well off I’d want to help out a friend. It would seem normal and I feel a bit underwhelmed by this 50 years of meh.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 31/08/2020 19:59

You expect your friends to buy you a washing machine? Shock

Coldwinterahead1 · 31/08/2020 20:02

If my friends washer broke I’d offer to do her washing (probably dry and iron it’s aswell) but even if I was loaded wouldn’t offer to buy a new washing machine

NailsNeedDoing · 31/08/2020 20:03

YANBU to find it difficult that the majority of your oldest friends are in a much more comfortable position financially that you are, but YABVU to think that they should be offering to pay to send their tradesmen round and buy you household appliances. You are an adult, you need to provide these things for yourself.

WingingWonder · 31/08/2020 20:04

You’re being unreasonable expecting a new washing machine from anyone...
My real reply though is a question- what would you like from them?
I ask this as someone who has 2 very distinct groups of friends, one as yours and another, well normal!!
I don’t want someone to edit their chat around me or exclude me from stuff because I ‘can’t’ it’s patronising, but I also expect to hear chat about private schools beyond my means (or inclination tbh) holidays etc
The leveller- kids... because they all tantrum, go through phases and have challenges too. So we usually focus on stuff like that.
There is also work stuff I do they are strangely fascinated in because they don’t work, and I think that when the kids are older their lives quite quickly become very different
I look at the wealthy lifestyles in awe of endless money and also in disgust at the rampant lack of awareness and total control Consumerism -
I look at my life proud to be happy with my lot- we are healthy and have so co much compared to so so many, and we got there on our own.

MissConductUS · 31/08/2020 20:04

I think YAB a bit U to expect spontaneous gifts from friends, who may not realize that a broken washing machine is a major crisis for you. Some people may also be offended by such a gift as it could be seen as a judgment that you can't get things sorted on your own.

IME people with financial assets don't see them as ready money to gift out. Perhaps they should, but they generally don't.

MsSquiz · 31/08/2020 20:04

If I was in your position, I would find it hugely patronising if a friend offered to "send the gardener round"!

I would expect the same from my well off friends as I would from the poorer ones - to share a bottle of wine and bitch about the ex with me or listen to me have a rant. The same as I would do for them.

And I would never buy a friend a washing machine! How ridiculous?!

Leaannb · 31/08/2020 20:05

The entitlement is real on this theead....Why should your friends by you a new washer or pay for a Gardner for you? WTELH

Curiosity101 · 31/08/2020 20:05

I can sort of understand what you're getting at, it doesn't sound like you feel supported by your friends. But having said that I'd still never expect my friends to offer me money for anything. Have you helped them out with anything over the years, financial or none financial?

I figure we all play the hand we're dealt and do the best with what we've got. We're not entitled to anything other than what we work for (this includes inheritances etc). You're not a charity shrug.

Lockdownseperation · 31/08/2020 20:06

Please tell me you are joking?!

Toilenstripes · 31/08/2020 20:07

Are you serious? They don’t owe you anything.

Wakemeupwhenthisisover · 31/08/2020 20:07

You never know how much money other people actually have, like you said they aren’t in high paying jobs. The things they have may be expensive but sentimental so not up for sale. Also, Yabu for expecting financial help from friends, now if they didn’t emotionally support you that’s a different story.

pantherrose · 31/08/2020 20:09

OP, I totally understand.

RaspberryToupee · 31/08/2020 20:10

I think it would be highly insulting for a friend to offer to send their gardener round or to buy me a washing machine, no matter how many assets they had. Or especially if I didn’t have the assets they had. You’ve said none of these friends have a high wage, so this is inherited assets, and if you’re helping to organise auctions for them, they’ve probably been cash poor.

CheesyGhost · 31/08/2020 20:10

You already acknowledge that they don't have well paying jobs so they probably don't actually have excessive amounts of disposable income despite having such nice homes and things.
Although that is irrelevant! You are being extremely unreasonable to expect them to give you anything just because they seemingly have more than you. Do you give money to your less well off friends just because?
Life is not fair; some have more than others do but it doesn't sound like you're in a bad position by any stretch. You are entitled to nothing but their friendship and with your attitude you are really pushing your luck with that frankly.

Florencex · 31/08/2020 20:11

You are being totally unreasonable, your friends should not have to subsidise you. You are 50 and have had plenty of time to get yourself together. I am 50 too, working class and have never had anything from my parents whilst they were alive and my inheritance was £23k. I know plenty of people from better off backgrounds than me and have never expected anything from them, in fact I would be insulted to be offered!

TheSoapyFrog · 31/08/2020 20:12

I was feeling somewhat sympathetic until the end. YABU to think your friends should be giving you a washing machine or use of of their gardener. But I do understand how frustrating it must feel when you think the people around you have had an easy and privileged life and yours isn't.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 31/08/2020 20:13

YABVU. Send the gardener round Confused. Don’t be so ridiculous.

iklboo · 31/08/2020 20:14

'Is there anything I can do' - yes, not unreasonable.

Expecting tradesmen and free washing machines? - hells no.

katy1213 · 31/08/2020 20:16

Perhaps the gardener doesn't want to be 'sent round.' You sound eaten up by envy; how do you know they've got 'bags of money' in the bank - have you seen their bank statements? What are you expecting? A quarterly retainer for being their friend? A bag of groceries? One of the spare rental properties to be made over to you?
To be honest, if they all started off at the same state school as you, I wonder if you have a vastly inflated idea of their inherited wealth.

CottonEyeJo · 31/08/2020 20:17

I find it a tad difficult that when I first got divorced no-one ever said “is there anything I can do?” “Can I send my gardener around?” “Your washing machine is broken? A new one is on its way.”

😂😂

I think you need new friends, but more because I blatantly look down on/judge the ones you have.

Fancy thinking they should buy you a washing machine.

Actually, I'm shouting fake - no one is this entitled

giantangryrooster · 31/08/2020 20:17

I'm sure, if your friends send the gardner round or bought you a washing mashine, you would post about how condescending and arrogant your friends were Confused.

Nobody owes you anything, make good decisions and make your best life possible.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 31/08/2020 20:18

I wouldnt help out friends in such a noticeable way because once you start helping then they rely on you for everything, suddenly your buying them Everything from the groceries to the bills and its hard to say no once you start saying yes.

But i like to help people out in more simple ways - doing the laundry for them etc or helping with budgeting because im quite good at that and also quite good at lowering bills etc

CuntyMcBollocks · 31/08/2020 20:19

You shouldn't expect them to buy you things that need replacing, so YABU in that respect, but personally, I would always help out anyone I could if I could afford it. I think people who have always been 'well off' don't comprehend just how hard it is to pay for basic necessities, bills, unexpected repairs etc.

jayritchie · 31/08/2020 20:20

I think you mix of friends is very unusual - certainly from a state school whether or not you think it was posh.

steff13 · 31/08/2020 20:20

I think that you'd be hard-pressed to find a friend who would just buy you a new washing machine, frankly.

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