Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends with money

217 replies

Ritascornershop · 31/08/2020 19:57

I was one of a few working class kids in a posh state school. So from a very young age I had friends whose parents made (compared to my parents) a lot of money. None of their mums worked, all had vacation homes, all were given cars for their birthdays when of age to drive. When we grew up we stayed friends, saw each other constantly. I couldn’t go on skiing holidays with them as I couldn’t afford it, but otherwise was included in group things.

By their early 20’s all had either been given homes to live in or rental properties (with multiple flats) to rent out for money. Of course my parents could not afford this.

Now, in middle age, they’ve all been mortgage free for decades whereas (since buying my ex out of the house so the kids didn’t have to move) I have 20 years left on my mortgage. They’ve all got bags of money in the bank and have inherited more (my dad died without life insurance and my mum had her savings stolen before I was aware of it so too late to protect her in that way). They all have holiday homes. None of them have high-earning jobs, it’s all inherited properties and highly valuable art work and antiques and stocks and cash. (Yes I do know how muchish this stuff is worth as they talk about while I’ve helped them sort things for auctions).

Is anyone else in this position? I find it a tad difficult that when I first got divorced no-one ever said “is there anything I can do?” “Can I send my gardener around?” “Your washing machine is broken? A new one is on its way.”

Do I need new friends? I just feel like if I was that well off I’d want to help out a friend. It would seem normal and I feel a bit underwhelmed by this 50 years of meh.

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 31/08/2020 20:23

I do have friends who'd send me a washing machine.

They'd be my friends if they couldn't or wouldn't send me a washing machine though, because that's not how I select my friends!

If your friends wouldn't think to help you out in whatever way was appropriate, then yes, I think you need to reconsider your friendships, I cannot imagine NOT offering to help a friend in a way that was within my means.

If your issue is that they don't offer financial help/expensives gifts, but would help in other ways if asked, then yeah i think YABU.

draughtycatflap · 31/08/2020 20:24

I once had a friend round to grease my catflap.

giantangryrooster · 31/08/2020 20:29

@draughtycatflap
I hope that is not a euphemisms considering you username Grin

user1471453601 · 31/08/2020 20:30

My oldest and dearest friend is a millionaire on paper. I have no idea what her disposable actual income is.

For us, money does not enter into our relationship. For example, last year she was going through a v difficult time. I invited her to join me on holiday. I'd already paid for it (my money position is that I'm comfartable) and I didn't expect payment.

If I was struggling for money would I ask? I don't know.

But envy doesn't make for a happy life

WhyIsItSoHardToPickAUsername · 31/08/2020 20:31

I'd offer to do a friends washing or offer use of my washing machine. I'd never offer to buy a friend a washing machine or send my gardener round. That's ridiculous 🤣 imagine expecting that.

WhyIsItSoHardToPickAUsername · 31/08/2020 20:35

And as another person said if they all went to state school then unless their parents came into a lot of money later in life then I find it unusual that they are all vastly wealthy tbh. Maybe they don't have mortgages as you say but they also don't have high paying jobs so they could be saving very hard for retirement.

Standrewsschool · 31/08/2020 20:35

“ Do I need new friends? I just feel like if I was that well off I’d want to help out a friend. It would seem normal and I feel a bit underwhelmed by this 50 years of meh.”

It sounds like you expect a lot from your friends, because they’re rich, and you’re not. Almost as if they should have donated their wealth to you.

Yes, it would have been nice if they supported you through your divorce, but they don’t owe you anything.

wildcherries · 31/08/2020 20:36

I understand it can be hard to have less money than friends, but you can't be seriously saying that you expect your friends to pay to have your garden fixed or to buy you a washing machine? That's just weird.

PotterHead1985 · 31/08/2020 20:36

Id expect your friends to land up at the door with a takeaway and wine to participate in a bitch fest. Id expect the normal 'is there anything I can do to help' or 'oh the washer is on the fritz? Fling the washing into a bad and ill do it for you till you get sorted'. Id never expect them to buy me a washer.

I say this as someone flat broke.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/08/2020 20:37

Would you not feel patronised if they gave you charity?

jewel1968 · 31/08/2020 20:37

Are you quite open about your money situation? I have friends who are much better off than me. It can become problem if they don't understand my financial situation. So I tell them.... can't afford this or that....etc... When they ask why aren't you going on holiday I say - cos it costs money. I don't particularly envy them (well maybe a bit) but I do get irritated if they assume money is not an issue for people because they are comfortable.

Positivevibesonlyplease · 31/08/2020 20:40

I think posters here are being harsh, OP. I can totally understand your feelings of envy. I would like to think that If I were in such an enviable financial position I WOULD notice that my friend was struggling and help her out financially. Perhaps they didn’t realise how difficult you were finding things, or thought that you’d be too proud to accept help.

justanotherneighinparadise · 31/08/2020 20:40

I think this is why people tend to mix primarily in their own income bracket. Expecting new white goods from friends is a bit odd OP.

FFSFFSFFS · 31/08/2020 20:42

Have you not made any other friends in 50 years or have you only stuck to friends with money?

It is what it is.

Grapewrath · 31/08/2020 20:42

Op I get it.
I don’t have bags of money but I do help friends out who are struggling- send treats round, get them a takeaway voucher etc. It’s nice to feel that support around you. It’s very, very difficult to come from somewhere where you have had no financial support and no safety net of family.
It’s difficult when you work equally hard as people who have had a lot of financial backing and still struggle every day. Some of the replies here are overly harsh but I think most people who have experienced similar would understand your feelings

jessstan2 · 31/08/2020 20:44

I find it difficult to believe you were the only 'poor' one in your year at school. Schools, even private ones, are made up of a mixture of people and friendships are across the board.

I doubt every one of your well off friends was given a car or house deposit; some were, some were not. So what if they were?

It's also strange that none of your friends have had any problems at all. Even wealthy people have difficulties. Money can't buy everything, good health being an example.

Your friends probably think you are doing OK and no doubt you do all you can to make it look that way. It would be highly patronising to offer to buy someone an expensive item, many would be offended.

Take the chip off your shoulder and open your eyes. Things aren't always what they seem. There are people who would consider you well off. It is really not important.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 31/08/2020 20:47

YABVU. I have a couple of friends who are incredibly rich. One's parents have a beautiful yacht (that they never charter out), fly on private jets, etc. The other's near enough that rich. Would never expect a penny out of them or for them to send round a gardener Hmm. WTF. The latter doesn't even had a cleaner for their massive house as she's got very high standards and cleans it herself.

rvby · 31/08/2020 20:48

I'm a high earner. I routinely spend fair chunks of money on friends and family... e.g. paying for group meals out, sending flowers at the drop of a hat, bringing around champagne for special occasions, paying for food delivery or cleaning when they're going through hard times, buying "the best" as gifts for them rather than looking for bargains. That sort of thing.

I would say 50% of them take it as a veiled insult, or assume I'm trying to make them beholden to me.

Money is a strange thing OP, your friends are probably doing what they have been taught to, which is never to rub their wealth in others' faces. Not sure you're being reasonable really. I bet if you asked for help, they would help!

CuppaZa · 31/08/2020 20:48

@Ritascornershop is this a joke thread Confused

Mummadeeze · 31/08/2020 20:49

Er, no, I don’t think they should be financing you in any way. My family are all rich and I live in a small rented one bed flat with partner and child so we sleep in the sitting room and give our daughter the bedroom. My sister lives in a mansion. Sometimes I think it would be nice if they could give me some money for a deposit on a flat so I could get on the property ladder when they buy yet another sports car or boat. But then I give my head a wobble and tell myself why should they? It is their money to spend on themselves and if I want a better lifestyle, I need to find a way to make more money myself!

user1473878824 · 31/08/2020 20:50

You want them to buy you things and pay for things simply because you got divorced? Either there is a HUGE chip on your shoulder or you’re incredibly grabby. I think they need a new friend, not you.

Freixene · 31/08/2020 20:53

Why haven’t you made any friends in the last 50 years since school?

user1473878824 · 31/08/2020 20:55

@Freixene Didn’t need white goods.

DopamineHits · 31/08/2020 20:55

You may not have grown up with money but you picked up the sense of entitlement well enough Grin

They probably wouldn't think of it. You can be well off and not particularly want to subsidize your less well off friends' lives.

HollowTalk · 31/08/2020 20:57

@Coldwinterahead1

If my friends washer broke I’d offer to do her washing (probably dry and iron it’s aswell) but even if I was loaded wouldn’t offer to buy a new washing machine
You wouldn't do that for a friend you've known since you were a child, who hasn't had the advantages you've had and who is going through a really shit time?