Friends with money

[Ritascornershop]

I was one of a few working class kids in a posh state school. So from a very young age I had friends whose parents made (compared to my parents) a lot of money. None of their mums worked, all had vacation homes, all were given cars for their birthdays when of age to drive. When we grew up we stayed friends, saw each other constantly. I couldn’t go on skiing holidays with them as I couldn’t afford it, but otherwise was included in group things.

By their early 20’s all had either been given homes to live in or rental properties (with multiple flats) to rent out for money. Of course my parents could not afford this.

Now, in middle age, they’ve all been mortgage free for decades whereas (since buying my ex out of the house so the kids didn’t have to move) I have 20 years left on my mortgage. They’ve all got bags of money in the bank and have inherited more (my dad died without life insurance and my mum had her savings stolen before I was aware of it so too late to protect her in that way). They all have holiday homes. None of them have high-earning jobs, it’s all inherited properties and highly valuable art work and antiques and stocks and cash. (Yes I do know how muchish this stuff is worth as they talk about while I’ve helped them sort things for auctions).

Is anyone else in this position? I find it a tad difficult that when I first got divorced no-one ever said “is there anything I can do?” “Can I send my gardener around?” “Your washing machine is broken? A new one is on its way.”

Do I need new friends? I just feel like if I was that well off I’d want to help out a friend. It would seem normal and I feel a bit underwhelmed by this 50 years of meh.

You know, it took Covid for me to realise that those "with bags of money" don't have as much accessible cash as one would imagine. Mortgaged to the hilt, cars on finance, school fees, plain old pension fund... whatever it is. But even if they were mortgage free and had few expenses I don't think they would think to pay for a new washing machine and nor should they tbh. As for the gardener, people aren't property and most are self employed - you can't just lend them out like a lawnmower. I'm sorry you're feeling low, you're doing great. But learn to value yourself and try to stop comparing yourself to others, you can't know their circumstances. Someone will always have "more" and someone will always have "less". Also I think it's pretty impressive you were able to by your ExH out, that wouldn't be an option for others. You've got this OP.

Basically people who are economically poor tend to help each other - I think @greengreengrass14 has summed it all up. THAT was what the OP was driving at. Its completely disingenuous to make this about a washing machine.

This is the problem with trying to fit in with the next class up
Working class people are more generous and yeah if i had it and a friend needed it due to a divorce i would bloody well buy them a 150 quid washing machine
Despite not having a mansion or posh car
OP you aren't 'with money' and never will be
Find people on your own level and have proper friendships

I think you have the wrong sort of friends.

You need to find new friends, not friends with benefits, but friends on benefits. That way you will be able to feel financially superior because let's face it, that is the only true measure of friendship that counts.

Imagine how it will feel to turn up at your friends with a box of value beans and own brand cornflakes to give a friend whose money has run out. Or to offer to lend sorry, give, a friend a pound coin for their supermarket trolley........

enjoy, it's a very expensive brand.

YANBU I’d have bloody well helped you

I’ve been absolutely stunned by the almost total lack of compassion from my friends since I became a single mum (not my choice). It’s been a very harsh lesson in how selfish most people are

I think that you need to find new friends OP.
It might help you if you were to stop comparing yourself to these fabulously wealthy friends of yours.
Rely on your own worth and live life accordingly.
No one owes you anything and if you feel hard done by then withdraw your generosity.
Carping on about how you feel that your 'missing out' makes you seem grabby .

There's people reading this post that would love to just have a garden that needs gardening or a mortgage at all Just to re iterate how fortunate you actually are.

OP, sorry for piling onto your thread with a slightly different question, but reading people's answers I need to ask this:

If someone offered to help their friend by looking after a child, or by sharing their home for a temporary period, or by using a special skill they had, by just being there and giving their time in a difficult situation, I think that would not be seen as offensive at all. So why would a gift that costs money and helps a lot, but that might actually be less burdensome to give, be so different, so long as it does not come with strings attached or with a misguided attitude of superiority?

Money does not make anyone a better person in any way, it just means that they happen to have more money. Luck also plays such an important role in how much money somebody ends up having. What makes a better person is more about kindness, integrity, empathy for others, determination to do what is right, drive to make worthwhile things happen in the world. Some people with those qualities have lots of money, but many and probably even most have very little.

Naively, I had not even considered the possibility that a friend might feel patronised or offended if they were offered help that costs money. But, several individuals posting on here have said they'd find it offensive if a friend offered them a washing machine, even if they really needed one.

So can anyone help me to understand why money feels so different from other kinds of help? I genuinely don't understand.

It's kind of sad if people who have more money than they need have to keep it all until they die, or to give it away only organised charities, or maybe to leave it to others including friends when they die, because if they try to use any of it to help friends while they are still alive, it might ruin the friendship.

The problem is that these people have never had hard times financially so it's very difficult for them to sympathise with those that do and are very blunt. Everything's been handed to them and their day to day jobs are basically pursuing their hobbies as they don't really need to work hard for money. You shouldn't expect them to. There are other people who have had a hard time in life at the beginning but have worked really hard and know the value of hard work and money. These types of people though can be harsh sometimes and would also want you to work hard to achieve their lifestyle but are more sympathetic, more giving and will give a lot to charity as well.

A washing machine?

Unless this is your friend, YABU.

My understanding of adulthood is that no-one gives anyone else money, except parents giving an early inheritance to avoid tax.

I would find it odd for a sibling to buy a washing machine, someone who wasn't even family doing so would be bizarre.

If someone doesn't live in the same house as you, and isn't your parent, there is no reason to give you money.

To buy a washing machine for a friend would be to demote them to some sort of inferior status, a peasant compared to me, who I am pitying for their inability to make their own way in life. (On the other hand, it would be fine to give away a used one that was honestly no longer wanted, that would just be recycling. They'd be helping me declutter by taking it off my hands.)

Cultures do differ in how much people share/help out, the UK is very individual in that way and it's not that normal to give people who aren't your family (or even your family) money or object, or even to babysit/childmind for free in a way that would be perfectly ordinary in some other cultures. My husband is from a European country that is much more like that, but people also expect more as well and that can seem quite 'taking' compared with the UK where people would neither offer nor ask. They also lend money all the time, it's like a small loan company within their circle of friends depending on whose doing ok at any one time!

I have given money to someone (with a small child) during corona times who was hard up. I figured it wouldn't be a big deal to me but it absolutely was to them.

You are not necessarily poor though- you have a mortgage which is more than 40% of people in the UK now, so comparing yourself to really very wealthy people probably is a bit of a false comparison.

Your wealthy long-standing friends sound like they have drifted off, you've given a lot to them (in emotional and practical terms) and they've not responded in a similar way so you are right to wonder if they are good friends, and if I were you, I'd start to limit it to the odd coffee and Christmas card, certainly they are not good friends as I understand them.

I had a very wealthy friend and was in a similar situation to you. She very kindly offered me a couple of grand, she said it was pin money to her. As much as I needed it, I declined. She insisted on helping in other ways, for instance bought some appliances from me for one of her rental properties, as I was moving. I just wouldn't have felt right taking.

Why would they buy you a new washing machine or pay for their gardener to do yours? Why do you feel like they owe you something just because they are rich? It's a a very strange way to think.

They might come from money and have inherited lots, have great lives but so what? You sound so hard done by, when you a probably just Joe average, living a modest but comfortable life. I don't have a holiday home, I don't go skiing 3 times a year and I'm not mortgage free, but I'm very happy. Think you need to stop comparing yourself and your bank balance to other people's.

Years ago I was friends with someone who had loads of money. She was always down to earth and nice, and I never felt there was a difference between us.

One day I turned up at her house with my new car which was a super little Golf GTI. It was second hand but I loved it.

Her husband turned to me and said 'how can someone like you afford a car like that'
I was a bit shocked and told him we had saved up for it to which he laughed my answer off as if he knew he had hit a nerve.

There are times when you know money is what defines folk and this was one of them. He had no class. What made it worse was the way she behaved when he said it. She said nothing. She should have told him to shut up. I had a wake up call that day.

After that he made remarks about the car constantly as if I didn't deserve to have it. I realised she had no choice since he was the one with the money.
It's all about the money with some people either the lack of or the extreme wealth. It's how some folks define each other.

It doesn’t sound like you like these friends very much. You are very resentful about their lifestyle. In turn, they don’t seem to care very much about you.

If they bought you a washing machine would that make the friendship better? I don’t think so.

You need to find a better circle of friends. They will probably not buy you appliances or send a gardener over either, but they might give you some emotional support?

Stop comparing yourself to other people; there will always be others better off or worse off than you. Comparing yourself to others will only ever eventually result in discontent, so don't do it. Count your blessings and be thankful for what you've had and what you've got. Seriously! B
lessings.....

No OP don't worry. Everyone understands what you really mean and no you're not unreasonable. The other ones who are so shocked by whay you suggest (which isn't that your friends buy you stuff like it's nothing or throw money at you as if it were a given) must be the oh so perfect people of this world... 🙄

Washing machines live longer with Calgon, I've heard. YMMV. Hope that helps.

Tbh I would buy a washing machine for a close friend if they were badly in need (and no I’m not a millionaire, no inherited wealth or trust funds here!).

Tbh I’m wondering whether it’s been a long time since these were close friends. Maybe I’m wrong but you write about when you first got divorced, when your dc were younger as though it was quite a while ago and even back then you weren’t getting what you hoped/needed from them. Maybe they don’t see themselves as close enough to you that they’d think to offer the level of help that you’d like?

Whatever the reason you’re obviously not getting what you want/need from whatever ‘level’ of friendship you have with this group and I’m not talking about washing machines! You’re obviously feeling a lot of envy and resentment and whether that’s warranted or not, it’s certainly not healthy to focus on the unfairness or disparity going right back to childhood. It doesn’t make you feel any better nor change your circumstances so maybe it’s time to mentally re-set those relationships to ‘acquaintances’ and try not to focus on them as much.

Gardeners cost £160 a day! They aren't the ''Property'' of the person they work for, either...I have a very well qualified RHS tutor friend who is a gardener and he can pick and choose whom he works for- He'd be astounded to be ''Sent round'' to some random person's garden.

As for washing machines- no way on earth would I expect anyone to buy me one- and in the past have been very poor- eg, when fridge broke, couldn't afford a new one for about 3 months {huge mortgage..divorce} and no way did I tell anyone- my parents knew but didn't buy me a new one- I asked for one for birthday, but was told to use a 'bucket of cold water'' by stepmum! {they aren't skint, either}..

@JocastaElastic

Stop comparing yourself to other people; there will always be others better off or worse off than you. Comparing yourself to others will only ever eventually result in discontent, so don't do it. Count your blessings and be thankful for what you've had and what you've got. Seriously! B lessings.....

This...in spades

My SIL is a cleaner/gardener: she'd have some choice words with anyone who thought they could just "send her round" like a piece of spare Tupperware. She is not a servant and this is not 1920!

Of course it would be nice if friends rallied round to be supportive in times of stress. Did your friends know you could not afford to replace the washing machine, OP? Did they do anything more practical, like- well, whatever you do when one of them is in trouble?

You don't sound as if you like your 'friends' much - but seriously, you're in your fifties and most of your friends are people who you were at school with and you've not made new friends that you don't feel inferior to in 35 years?
Yes, you need new friends.

Poverty does strange things to you. It completely warps your way of thinking. I have been wealthy and I have been poor. As a wealthy person, I never expected anyone to do anything for me, ever. I'm very independent. However, a few years ago we moved countries and found ourselves in a hole with no money. I resented my in-laws for not buying us a fridge. I felt entitled to be bought a fridge as we didn't have one and we have 2 DC. Actually come to think of it, we didn't have a washing machine either and I was handwashing all our clothes in the bath, in the middle of winter.

I don't know what the answer is OP, but I have been where you have so I know. I also know that I would buy a friend a washing machine, if they didn't have one and I had the money.