Friends with money

[Ritascornershop]

I was one of a few working class kids in a posh state school. So from a very young age I had friends whose parents made (compared to my parents) a lot of money. None of their mums worked, all had vacation homes, all were given cars for their birthdays when of age to drive. When we grew up we stayed friends, saw each other constantly. I couldn’t go on skiing holidays with them as I couldn’t afford it, but otherwise was included in group things.

By their early 20’s all had either been given homes to live in or rental properties (with multiple flats) to rent out for money. Of course my parents could not afford this.

Now, in middle age, they’ve all been mortgage free for decades whereas (since buying my ex out of the house so the kids didn’t have to move) I have 20 years left on my mortgage. They’ve all got bags of money in the bank and have inherited more (my dad died without life insurance and my mum had her savings stolen before I was aware of it so too late to protect her in that way). They all have holiday homes. None of them have high-earning jobs, it’s all inherited properties and highly valuable art work and antiques and stocks and cash. (Yes I do know how muchish this stuff is worth as they talk about while I’ve helped them sort things for auctions).

Is anyone else in this position? I find it a tad difficult that when I first got divorced no-one ever said “is there anything I can do?” “Can I send my gardener around?” “Your washing machine is broken? A new one is on its way.”

Do I need new friends? I just feel like if I was that well off I’d want to help out a friend. It would seem normal and I feel a bit underwhelmed by this 50 years of meh.

Unless they trashed your garden and washing machine it’s not up to them to fix/replace it.

You want to be bailed out. They are friends not banks.

What do you get from these friendships because it doesn’t sound like you like them much? You sound bitter and jealous. The world does not owe you anything.

Everyone is focussed on the washing machine, but that isn’t the issue. The issue is that the OP’s friends are thoughtless, life’s takers and self-centred. They don’t think about her. She thinks about them, she helps them out, she gives up her time and her energy for them, she does them favours - because that is what friends do, or should do. They on the other hand do nothing. You need better friends, OP.

I dont think yabu. It's the lack of consideration that hurts. Youre not actually expecting them to buy you new white goods but expected some sort reciprocation for the emotional and practical labour youve given them during the last 20 yrs. Its not the money, its the lack of thought.

Im not particularly wealthy but did take a friend out recently when she was broke aftr her divorce. The waiter commented that I was a nice friend and I said Id like to think she'd do the same for me if the tables were turned.

Having read more of your responses @Ritascornershop it seems like you just need better friends. The money’s a red herring, they weren’t there for you when you needed it. And that’s shit. I’d ditch them, and definitely stop doing them favours, sounds to me like they’re using you

Cheeky fuckery!

@Leaannb

The entitlement is real on this theead....Why should your friends by you a new washer or pay for a Gardner for you? WTELH

WTELH what does this mean?

A washing machine is a difficult item to gift, as it requires plumbing in, and different users will prefer different features. With something like a vacuum cleaner, a friend could say to herself or partner: " I think we'll treat ourselves to a new 'state-of-the-art' model. Jane might like the old one". Trading in early to help a friend is the kind of subtle and tactful gesture which might occur to someone with a friend who could do with help .

Agree with this. This is the type of help we give. It's hard enough to get a friend who's broke and going through divorce to accept me paying for her lunch, despite all the times she's supported me emotionally before, she would feel really awkward about me buying her a new washing machine. But us buying something and then offering her the original sofa/washing machine/hoover etc. is something we would do. It's more subtle and no-one's pride or feelings are hurt, and it doesn't cause a power imbalance.

But as others say, the problem here is more that they are not reciprocating the emotional support, from the sound of it.

Buying a single mom friend whose washing machine has broken, and who needs to save for a new one, isn’t my definition of friendship. I could afford to do so quite easily, but I wouldn’t.

I would, instead, ask what I could do to help. I would give my time freely within the limits - which I’d stretch as far as possible for a good friend - of my own life.

But money and friends don’t mix. I’ve learned this the hard way. The dignity/indignity, the indebtedness or requirement to feel none, the disposability of cash for one/ critical importance of it to the other.....and so so many other reasons.

Good friends don’t ask or expect, and good friends don’t offer. I’d have hand washed your smalls myself rather than buy you a washing machine.

Before you bow out, can you explain what you do for people who are in a worse position than you? Or should it just trickle in your direction?

Oh no. Before you bow out, please explain where you are that school friends remain as a close circle of extreme privilege, from a state school?

If your friends are not in high-paying jobs, how can you expect them to buy you washing machine? They have assets, left to them, but, maybe, they are cash-poor?

I went to what was deemed a naice girls state grammar school, I could count on Two fingers those that came from a very privileged background. I could count those on one hand from a less well off home. Most of us were ordinary Kids with parents doing ordinary jobs.

I did lol at send the Gardener round. I can’t imagine any of my ordinary school mates even having a Gardener let alone the hard up friend expecting one to be sent round.

I don't agree with OP, but just want to say that where I grew up in Europe we do indeed have good friends from school, I even have some from nursery time. Some move on, some stay... But yeah.
And we did go to 1 school all together no matter what class. There was no private school around (I think there may have been some vip in a capital? No idea, certainly not where I lived) so we did go to school and were all friends with people from very varied income brackets. Few of my friends were from rich families (still very good friend with 2 of them), some were from poor families, some middle.

So no, that part doesn't have to be made up.

It actually fascinates me how people segregate themselves in here based on class and family incomes if I am honest. Still don't get it🤷🏻

@CherryPavlova

Oh no. Before you bow out, please explain where you are that school friends remain as a close circle of extreme privilege, from a state school?

I don’t find this part odd. I still consider all my secondary school friends to be good friends and my husbands close friends are almost all from his school.

OP, I am surprised you have stayed friends with these people. They aren't that helpful or kind as I would expect friends to be. When a friend was going through a separation, a few friends who had known her through an NCT group, so for about 4 years, rallied around doing babysitting, food shopping, treating her etc.
I think that is normal.
I am not surprised you feel resentful to your long standing friends. Are they really your friends- are you in their inner circle?
Is the fact that they are wealthy something that is keeping you around them, in the hope they may give you some money / gifts?
I would spend more time with people who really care for you.
I have wealthy generous friends and comparatively poor generous friends. It is an attitude. As well I think you know, generosity can be just helping out with something in the house or with the kids.

Some of my friends are disgustingly loaded - and we all have some expensive hobbies. Some of us keep up more than others, but where we can’t, there are some very kind actions and allowances made to make sure everyone is as included as possible.

However, in your position, I wouldn’t expect them to send round a gardener or buy me something like a washing machine.

I would expect them to (and they would) help me with things like moving, decorating etc. But I would have to ask- kind of an unwritten standard amongst us that no one interferes or offers up unless asked to.

oh gosh, here we go, with the dreaded 'entitlment thing' again...

Basically people who are economically poor tend to help each other.

If you were my friend (and you are welcome to Pm me)

if your washer broke down I would offer you help and my own. Or do what I could within my budget.

Rich folks don't they are selfish and it is all about the.

They think they have 'integrity' and can order people to do whatever they like. And also to judge people.

Times a a changing I would say to them.

with covid etc noone is immune from change.

Hang on to your values OP you are worth ten thousand of them.

OP,
Some very harsh replies.

They certainly don't sound like great friends.

How come you've got yourself into a position where it sounds as if you were doing a huge amount for them, whilst you were actively avoided during a divorce?. Not great friends at all.

I would and have helped a few friends over the years, it is what real friends do when times are hard.

Certainly not charity and certainly not expected, just friendship.

Hope life gets easier for you OP.

Not easy to grow up amongst such affluence when your own situation is vastly different.

Actually not sure how that would work really.
It certainly wouldn't be something I would have particularly enjoy to grow up with.

It must lead to dissatisfaction I would think.

Plus, the thing about being 'rich' in financial terms is
You really can never know who your 'friends' really are.

Because some are after your money.

In that sense I would rather have friends

Beatles song 'Money can't buy you love'

Comparison is the thief of joy

Op. Lots of ya have grown up with nothing, we wouldn't expect freebies. It certainly wouldn't have occurred to me that I'm a charity case needing regular handouts!

That's quite a strange outlook.

I’ve heard it all now.

I think people who are very rich just can’t conceive of the fact that you might be short of money, so they don’t offer. They probably think that like them, you have family to ask for that kind of thing.

Though I do think you’re making an insinuation of the type of better or class that is ‘better’, which is think is kind of bs. you could also just ask for help if you were that hard up and you think they have the resources to spare.

Bizarre thread.

I've been fairly poor (in real UK terms, not exactly homeless per se because we just kept the roof on.. but walking around all winter when Primark shoes developed a hole, eating cereal for dinner, can't afford bus to work or heating on the meter-poor) and I've been comfortable, but in no way would have I ever have thought my friends should buy me the necessities of life... Never mind optional white goods or a bloody gardener (hand wash in the bath, dry on line, and I couldn't afford anywhere with a garden where we were living in a damp overcrowded shit hole block of flats)...