Friends with money

[Ritascornershop]

I was one of a few working class kids in a posh state school. So from a very young age I had friends whose parents made (compared to my parents) a lot of money. None of their mums worked, all had vacation homes, all were given cars for their birthdays when of age to drive. When we grew up we stayed friends, saw each other constantly. I couldn’t go on skiing holidays with them as I couldn’t afford it, but otherwise was included in group things.

By their early 20’s all had either been given homes to live in or rental properties (with multiple flats) to rent out for money. Of course my parents could not afford this.

Now, in middle age, they’ve all been mortgage free for decades whereas (since buying my ex out of the house so the kids didn’t have to move) I have 20 years left on my mortgage. They’ve all got bags of money in the bank and have inherited more (my dad died without life insurance and my mum had her savings stolen before I was aware of it so too late to protect her in that way). They all have holiday homes. None of them have high-earning jobs, it’s all inherited properties and highly valuable art work and antiques and stocks and cash. (Yes I do know how muchish this stuff is worth as they talk about while I’ve helped them sort things for auctions).

Is anyone else in this position? I find it a tad difficult that when I first got divorced no-one ever said “is there anything I can do?” “Can I send my gardener around?” “Your washing machine is broken? A new one is on its way.”

Do I need new friends? I just feel like if I was that well off I’d want to help out a friend. It would seem normal and I feel a bit underwhelmed by this 50 years of meh.

I think you need different friends, ones that are on your financial level then you don't have to compare yourself. You own a house that's alot more than some people your age who will never own a home even young people like myself struggle to get on the property ladder. I just think you've got the wrong class of friends

I empathise with some of what you said but what matters is are they there for you to speak to when you’re upset? Do they accommodate your budget etc when you meet up? Slightly different situation but most of my friends are financially better off than me but my only expectations from them is that they are there for me as friends, not that they replace my broken tumble drier or arrange a cleaner. Ridiculous! I’d be mortified if my friends helped me financially.

I can't tell if you're taking the kids or not. Why on earth should they send you a new washing machine or their gardener for a few hours?

Really? You’ve kept the same friends from school until you’re all middle aged? That’s a bit unusual as most of us move on and change our social circles as we go through university and careers. Odd that none have decent careers either. Where was this school?

I expect my friends only to be my friends, it’s not a financial transaction...😬

@Elsewyre i wasn’t blaming them, I just mean it wouldn’t cross anyone’s mind to do that at all.

How people think about money isn’t relative. Just because they have £1000 spare that would make a lot more difference to a friend in need than they would get use of, doesn’t mean they would think to offer it.

Lending a gardener etc is an odd suggestion. My gardener wouldn’t take kindly to it- but if I knew a friend was struggling and going through a really tough time I might try and book them some help or something. But I know lots of people would think that presumptuous.

I think it’s also hard for people to offer help unless they know specifically that you need X help. And it can’t reallg just be money because where would that stop?

I have very wealthy friends and not so wealthy friends.

My wealthy friends tend to pay for dinner (which I always feel a bit embarrassed about!). I wouldn’t expect them to pay for anything else. And, if they offered, I’d say no.

You’re a bit sniffy about their inherited wealth and that they accumulate things they didn’t pay for themselves (art etc) - so why do you expect to get things you didn’t earn or pay for yourself from them?

I think that there’s a big problem with inheritance and the way wealth is passed on and I think it’s wrong. But I wouldn’t expect my friend to buy me a washing machine or pay for my gardener, no.

I am poorer than all my friends as I have a long term illness that means I am out of work and lots of my close friends have two good salaries from professional careers, but I would be excruciatingly embarrassed if any of them ever offered to buy me a washing machine or get me a cleaner (can’t send me a gardener as I live in a small flat, so this is the equivalent example).

No, they did not come round with a takeaway or a bottle of wine. They took the point of view that divorce might be contagious and avoided me till the dust settled (unless they needed childcare on the spot). - I think based on that, you shouldn't be too stunned that they aren't generous, then. I hope you've cooled your propensity to offer them help, since they treated you so badly? They don't really sound like friends.

@fluffyjumper

You sound entitled.

To what?

I'm not sure about this. If they buy you a washing machine, then does that mean they should automatically buy you a new appliance every time one breaks? Food, bill's, car repairs.. where does it end?! I think if you're struggling then you could ask to borrow the amount (to buy a new washing machine) but you do have to repay it!

No, they did not come round with a takeaway or a bottle of wine. They took the point of view that divorce might be contagious and avoided me till the dust settled (unless they needed childcare on the spot)

That's the real issue. They're not behaving like friends (or particularly nice people since they avoided you after the divorce.) I'd focus on other friends. Length of friendship doesn't always mean anything.

As MNHQ say, don’t give more than you can afford. Sounds like you’ve given these people too much time/favours. But no, I’m working class have friends earning very little, others from rich families or earn a lot and I would hate for them to offer me money. My parents never could afford to contribute to uni, first home, anything and I’m proud that I did I everything myself with no handouts.

Mate, that's how they stay rich.

I think if you have a friendship where one person is fairly wealthy and the other is pretty much broke, the most I'd expect would be that the wealthier friend 'treats' her friend to lunch occasionally instead of going halves, if they're friends that dine out together. Or that they bring some good steaks over when you invite them for a BBQ. But that's the full extent of the financial generosity that would normally occur between friends. Donating money or paying for household items would have a high chance of making the friendship feel weird and unequal.

@formerbabe

You expect your friends to buy you a washing machine?

No, not 'expect' but they did.

I disagree. Most people have friends that are better off than them and friends that are poorer. Nobody I know would dream of accepting money or gifts from richer friends.

A washing machine is a difficult item to gift, as it requires plumbing in, and different users will prefer different features. With something like a vacuum cleaner, a friend could say to herself or partner: " I think we'll treat ourselves to a new 'state-of-the-art' model. Jane might like the old one". Trading in early to help a friend is the kind of subtle and tactful gesture which might occur to someone with a friend who could do with help .

Thanks @LunaLoved

@Diverseopinions I think you’re right about cultural differences. It looks like many the UK are a lot ... more restricted in who think deserves their help. And I do think that the less you have the more you think to share.

Before I bow out, I’d just like to say I really dislike how some threads attract the sort of person who says “really? In your situation x happens because it never does in my world!” I don’t go through life assuming people are lying about things for no apparent reason and I’m always baffled on threads where people think they know every possible life situation and therefore the op must be making it up.

I had other friends at school, but the less wealthy ones moved away to broaden their experiences and find work at a level that want available locally (ones who got quite high up in the arts and medicine). When your family gifts you an income (small blocks of flats) you don’t necessarily feel the need to get away, so the ones who’ve remained who I’ve known since childhood are the wealthier ones. The others I have texting friendships now as they live so far away.

Bowing out as it’s turned into a pile-on (with a few kind exceptions).

Ritascornershop: You inherit millions and you wouldn’t send your single mum friend who works but can’t afford a new washer without saving for months a machine costing a few hundred? Seems stingy to me.
...
It's difficult to give like that without appearing patronising.

What I would do if I was wealthy and knew someone needed a leg up is bung some cash in an envelope and put it through their letterbox in the middle of the night, anonymously. Then they wouldn't ever have to feel beholden to me.

However we really cannot expect friends to bale us out financially.

It does seem strange that your circle of friends is universally wealthy.

@jessstan2 - Are you genuinely scratching your chin over why people may think the OP sounds entitled? You didn't pick up a hint of entitlement that the she believes her rich friends should have sent their gardener round to her house and bought her a new washing machine? This was made very clear in the OP.

@draughtycatflap

I once had a friend round to grease my catflap.

:-)

Suck it up. Money is money. Don’t become a beggar. Be grateful for what you have and never try and be like anyone else.

You sound jealous, entitled and ridiculous

If their assets are inherited, and this is old money, then the assets are not generally thought of as things that can be sold off, except in extremis and to pay inheritance tax bills. We've got antiques, jewellery, pictures, property etc, and it's very much a case of being a temporary caretaker.

Also if your friends are the non-working wives who have married into older money, then you have no idea how their finances are handled within the marriage. The assets typically remain in the ownership of the person who inherited them, rather than being viewed as joint wealth. Their joint lifestyle might be amazing, but the originally poorer spouse may have limited access to actual cash they can spend on their own stuff/mates, especially if they don't have a career.

Anyway I don't think you can expect your richer friends to bail you out like this. We help people when we can, but it would be more offering our old but working washing machine when we have to change for some reason, or nice, outgrown children's clothes, or offering time at our holiday house to someone who had been going through a tough time.