Friends with money

[Ritascornershop]

I was one of a few working class kids in a posh state school. So from a very young age I had friends whose parents made (compared to my parents) a lot of money. None of their mums worked, all had vacation homes, all were given cars for their birthdays when of age to drive. When we grew up we stayed friends, saw each other constantly. I couldn’t go on skiing holidays with them as I couldn’t afford it, but otherwise was included in group things.

By their early 20’s all had either been given homes to live in or rental properties (with multiple flats) to rent out for money. Of course my parents could not afford this.

Now, in middle age, they’ve all been mortgage free for decades whereas (since buying my ex out of the house so the kids didn’t have to move) I have 20 years left on my mortgage. They’ve all got bags of money in the bank and have inherited more (my dad died without life insurance and my mum had her savings stolen before I was aware of it so too late to protect her in that way). They all have holiday homes. None of them have high-earning jobs, it’s all inherited properties and highly valuable art work and antiques and stocks and cash. (Yes I do know how muchish this stuff is worth as they talk about while I’ve helped them sort things for auctions).

Is anyone else in this position? I find it a tad difficult that when I first got divorced no-one ever said “is there anything I can do?” “Can I send my gardener around?” “Your washing machine is broken? A new one is on its way.”

Do I need new friends? I just feel like if I was that well off I’d want to help out a friend. It would seem normal and I feel a bit underwhelmed by this 50 years of meh.

I get it op.....at one time i resented my parents for not helping with a house deposit. Now dp has inherited I no longer resent them as we yave a deposit. But we are no longer that poor.

With true friends it is a attitude thing not a money thing, I have known people over the years who are 'normal' as in have no opinion either way on the money they have it is just there so they treat other normally then there are people who will turn a blind eye to affairs so they keep their lifestyle and the kids can have the appearance of a happy life. There are 'poor' people with chips on their shoulders and there are 'poor' people who are busy and stressed like us all and get on with things

There are people I know with little or lots of money but the ones I call true friends are the ones you could meet in a café/pub/at work/ at the shops and not know their financial situation because they are just normal people who treat others the as the same decent people they are regardless of the other persons background/income etc.

I am not well off, on my own, with a below average salary. Luckily I have a small mortgage. I've brought up 2 DC alone, with very little help, so I've seen hard times, never asked (and wouldn't) for anything, however, when something (rarely) was offered (rarely accepted) I was so grateful and appreciative of the thoughtfulness. I would help with gardening (I don't have a gardener) and I'd probably offer to buy you a cheap washer.

OP YANBU, and I do believe you would actually decline their offer, it's just the offer that would set them apart as friends, wealthy or not.

Shame on the high and mighty vipers here "YABVU/entitled" with friends like you lot, who needs enemies

A friend bought me a washing machine earlier this year. She knew mine was broken and offered out of the blue. She just asked that we never speak of it again. I smile every time I use it.

She’s not a gazillionaire (I don’t think!) - just a good person with a kind heart and perceptive enough to see how hard life can be.

I agree with you OP, if I was in their position I would help immediately. I have an awesome group of friends.... we would help each other in any way possible. We're all fairly skint though

@viques what a vile post. God help your friends

You don’t say well off by giving it away.
Enjoy what you’ve got by earning it, it’s a good role model for kids.

That is def no state school.

If the item is something which is needed for the kids, in this case a washer to clean their clothes, then I think a responsible ex might look into funding one. It's not ideal for the kids to be spending time in the launderette when they could be playing in the fresh air, or, if older, finishing homework.

That's the thing with mums. An individual with just herself to care for would probably buy nylon,and wash by hand. I do this a lot withy own clothes, because it's easier.

@newbie222

That is def no state school.

The OP did not go to school in the UK. State schools abroad are often very different.

[quote Itsallpointless]@viques what a vile post. God help your friends[/quote]
Get over yourself. You need to learn to recognise when someone is taking the piss.

In my experience richer folk are not the ones to financially assist their friends, it's the people with very little who are more likely to step in and help.

It's a generalisation but most people I know with money aren't generous with it.

You need new friends. These old friends seem very thoughtless in regard to your financial situation, when you need help they are absent, but selfishly take your time from you.

Reevaluate the friends and drop them if necessary.

I feel people with money have to be very careful to keep their boundaries around it absolutely spot on.

If someone bought you a washing machine, would you wonder why they hadn't paid to fix your Central heating next time it fails? Might a little bit of the gratitude for the washing machine wear off if they don't?
You sound resentful that they haven't helped, I think helping you out once might possibly ward that feeling off for a little bit, but then it might creep back in.

Maybe they didn't want you to feel like you were being treated as a charity case? Some people are sensitive to being helped if they think they need to manage it themselves.

@TheGoogleMum

Maybe they didn't want you to feel like you were being treated as a charity case? Some people are sensitive to being helped if they think they need to manage it themselves.

Yes, good point. I think I'd be very grateful for help but then it might prevent me from mentioning any problems the next time in case that friend felt I was hoping for more. Then I'd lose the emotional support of that friend too...

Sadly, money can change friendships if people don't tread very carefully.

Freecycle and gumtree are good bets. A great friendship to have would be with a person who could say,"Let me.help.you look for a good second hand washing machine"

I imagine that communities of friends whose life revolves around church might be more on the look out for those with a need, and would have tried and tested methods of putting out the word and getting help for one of their group.

I think that there are probably reasonable credit unions which provide a way of buying a white piece of goods and paying back month by month.

Some friends might rather give.money to such community groups than to people they know.

But many threads on MN prompt questions about what are friendships.

Different nationalities view charity or 'helping out' in very different ways. Some places expect higher earners to contribute to the community and to take responsibility for the welfare of others. Some countries expect significant charitable contributions from every able-bodied citizen. British people are not as tuned in to the needs of others. I think it may be because we pay significant taxes to support a welfare system that is in place to protect people from abject poverty. We don't expect people to need more than that. Whether it is effective or not is a different discussion.

Hi OP,

I think you do need new friends because they don't sound like they support you generally and unfortunately your differing lifestyles are adding to the existing problems.

However there could be another perspective with the money problems. I have a friend with money problems and she is very entitled and ungrateful for any generosity we extend her way - whether it's a meal out or buying equipment so she can earn a living (she always has an excuse not to). She always has the attitude of "well you have plenty"

I recently came into some money and decided to invest it in a rental property. The rent just about covers the mortgage, taxes etc but I will have an asset in twelve years time. The circumstances of me getting the money were not pleasant (it was compensation). I was and am not wealthy before that but have always worked hard and am quite comfortable now but with a fairly modest lifestyle. She has dropped all manner of hints about her living in my rental property (for free obviously) and how it would allow her to go to college and retrain. She has become quite moody and sullen about it constantly referring to my two homes. It makes me feel very upset.

If you went to the same school as these ladies you might not have had all of their advantages but you certainly had some. They are friends, not family and it would be unusual to expect financial support from them.

@Aweebawbee

Different nationalities view charity or 'helping out' in very different ways. Some places expect higher earners to contribute to the community and to take responsibility for the welfare of others. Some countries expect significant charitable contributions from every able-bodied citizen. British people are not as tuned in to the needs of others. I think it may be because we pay significant taxes to support a welfare system that is in place to protect people from abject poverty. We don't expect people to need more than that. Whether it is effective or not is a different discussion.

The taxes in here are not the highest. Nowhere near high taxes actually. I disagree about the expectations though. I am massively impressed by the culture of volunteering here. It's really something impressive in my view.

The thing is that even if you are supporting charities, causes and a community, wouldn't you be bit at a "friend" expecting you to buy them stuff because you are richer? I wouldn't buy a friend stuff like this, or send a gardener and i look at it from 2 cultural view points.

Imho though, the biggest reason for them not buying stuff for op is that they are not friends. They are acquaintances. Big difference.

Your post reads like you might suffer with envy or irritation that they don’t give to you because you have less. Is that really how you want to be viewed? As someone who is needy and accepts handouts?

They are your friends and you are an adult.

I do volunteer work with families, trust me needing things and wanting better are two vastly different experiences. It seems you are the latter.

It's probably a cultural question. As a European now living in UK, I would always be happy pitching in with meals and things, but would be more cautious about offering money as many people are quite sensitive about that. I'd find it really embarrassing for a start to be offered something of monetary value unless I was sure it was redundant (e.g. second-hand washing machine). Family, is a different matter.

You sound entitled. Stop.