Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends with money

217 replies

Ritascornershop · 31/08/2020 19:57

I was one of a few working class kids in a posh state school. So from a very young age I had friends whose parents made (compared to my parents) a lot of money. None of their mums worked, all had vacation homes, all were given cars for their birthdays when of age to drive. When we grew up we stayed friends, saw each other constantly. I couldn’t go on skiing holidays with them as I couldn’t afford it, but otherwise was included in group things.

By their early 20’s all had either been given homes to live in or rental properties (with multiple flats) to rent out for money. Of course my parents could not afford this.

Now, in middle age, they’ve all been mortgage free for decades whereas (since buying my ex out of the house so the kids didn’t have to move) I have 20 years left on my mortgage. They’ve all got bags of money in the bank and have inherited more (my dad died without life insurance and my mum had her savings stolen before I was aware of it so too late to protect her in that way). They all have holiday homes. None of them have high-earning jobs, it’s all inherited properties and highly valuable art work and antiques and stocks and cash. (Yes I do know how muchish this stuff is worth as they talk about while I’ve helped them sort things for auctions).

Is anyone else in this position? I find it a tad difficult that when I first got divorced no-one ever said “is there anything I can do?” “Can I send my gardener around?” “Your washing machine is broken? A new one is on its way.”

Do I need new friends? I just feel like if I was that well off I’d want to help out a friend. It would seem normal and I feel a bit underwhelmed by this 50 years of meh.

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 31/08/2020 21:19

Wow. Where is the line for how much they should spend on you, exactly?

Purpleice · 31/08/2020 21:19

You are perhaps confusing parents with friends. If I had parents that rich I might not expect them to help me through difficult times, but they probably would anyway. Your friends’ privileges don’t belong to you and what you are describing is fantasy.

HerNameWasEliza · 31/08/2020 21:21

I do know what you mean in that most of my friends come from old money and my roots are working class. Their financial lives are way simpler than mine and I am envious. However, life's not fair and I focus on what I do have, not what I don't. There is no way I'd expect people to give me money (which is effectively what you're suggesting) just because they have more - for whatever reason. Support in friendship is not about financial support and I think you need to shift your focus to more normal sorts of supports which friends offer each other.

SonjaMorgan · 31/08/2020 21:22

You really need to stop the pity party and look further than material assets. What do you have in your life that is good and that you are grateful for?

PerspicaciaTick · 31/08/2020 21:23

I think you need to broaden your group of friends. To have reached adult and your only friends are millionaires with whom you have nothing in common is bizarre, but most people have much more normal financial positions and I'm sure you can find new friends who understand you situation more.

iklboo · 31/08/2020 21:24

I don’t get it. You inherit millions and you wouldn’t send your single mum friend who works but can’t afford a new washer without saving for months a machine costing a few hundred? Seems stingy to me.

And you think they're entitled?

HerNameWasEliza · 31/08/2020 21:24

OP honestly if they want to give money to a good cause I think there are a load of charities more deserving than you. Giving time is not the same as giving money.

daisypond · 31/08/2020 21:24

I’m reading these replies with a growing sense of horror - the sheer selfishness and lack of empathy and meanness, not just of money, but of the human spirit, kindness. No wonder society is so screwed.

user1473878824 · 31/08/2020 21:25

OP, I have a good few VERY rich friends who could buy me a mortgage-free house if they cared to without even noticing. I don’t expect them to. They are also the last people I would ask if I HAD to to borrow the money to buy a new washing machine. Just because someone has something you don’t they owe you nothing. You seem to be so stuck on the idea that you should get things from them because you did things friends do for friends.

Consideredopinion · 31/08/2020 21:25

I do understand OP but agree you need a wider circle of friends

fluffyjumper · 31/08/2020 21:25

You sound entitled.

daisypond · 31/08/2020 21:27

@fluffyjumper

You sound entitled.
She doesn’t sound the least bit entitled.
user1473878824 · 31/08/2020 21:29

@daisypond Really? I’d love to hear the other side of this.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 31/08/2020 21:29

I find it a tad difficult that when I first got divorced no-one ever said “is there anything I can do?” “Can I send my gardener around?” “Your washing machine is broken? A new one is on its way.”

They need a new friendShock

Did they ask you how you are and held your hand? That's friendship.

Bleepbloopblarp · 31/08/2020 21:31

My friend is struggling financially atm due to her relationship breaking down and I’ve wondered if I should offer help but I think it would be seen as charity. It’s difficult to know what to do for the best - maybe your friends feel the same?

LunaLoved · 31/08/2020 21:31

I'm with you OP. If I was really struggling for money friends would help me out. Be that £5 or £500.

And I would do the same.

LampGenie · 31/08/2020 21:31

They are not nasty - what the OP is saying is ridiculous on a number of levels. It’s not down to the OP’s friends to subsidise her. The list is already at two, when does it stop?

Carycy · 31/08/2020 21:31

I am confused where you went to school and why all these rich people went to a state school if they all inherit millions! Wouldn’t they be in private school if there is that much money sloshing about?

Also I think I would be more hurt bcasause they sound like they just weren’t there for you as you were for them. Why are they still your friends? Do you not have many normal ( in terms of money that is) friends in your life? If not why.

It makes me think you are superficial possibly if they are your only friends at this stage of your life.
I worked with someone who whilst she wasn’t rich hung out with a lot of rich friends. She was always off to someone’s holiday home./chateau etc. all her friends seemed to be rich and she seemed to have a nice life because of it. But I do think she was superficial.

ivykaty44 · 31/08/2020 21:32

where was this posh state school, that had so many rich parents giving their children such lavish lifestyles without any of them ever amassing their own money? seems strange not one single friend from those Das is poor and there all millionaires

Original poster
Ritascornershop · 31/08/2020 21:32

Thanks @daisypond @CharismaticVic @LonginesPrime and others. Fwiw, I’m not in the UK, and yes where I live lots of rich kids don’t go to private school. For the hard of reading, I did not say I was the only working class kid in the school, I said I was one of few.

No, they did not come round with a takeaway or a bottle of wine. They took the point of view that divorce might be contagious and avoided me till the dust settled (unless they needed childcare on the spot).

I have other friends 🙄 these are just my longest standing friends.

I am not expecting a constant stream of gifts, ffs. I get a card on my birthday, no birthday or Christmas presents (I don’t give them ones as I can only afford gifts for my kids). I mentioned the gardener as at one point my garden was in a real state when the kids were too small to help and I’d had surgery and where we live gardeners are always looking for new clients and a couple of hours would have made me feel like I mattered. With the washing machine, I spent months getting home from a full time job and loading the kids and laundry into my 1988 car and going to the launderette.

I just think friends help friends out. A different mindset I guess, but it doesn’t mean my way is so terribly wrong. To me friendship should not just be for the good times, but with this group that’s what it is.

OP posts:
Ohtherewearethen · 31/08/2020 21:32

Hmm, how strange for you to go to a state school with such wealthy families (ones who own multiple properties that are just given to their children, no less). One would assume that such wealthy parents would choose an easily affordable private education for their children. It's also odd that ALL your friends have such well off parents. One or two of course, but all of them? I wonder why you have chosen to only befriend rich people? Ones who have gardeners that they can just 'send round' to you, as though the gardener doesn't get a choice in the matter. If you have an unmanageable garden it could be assumed that you are actually quite well-off yourself. Or that you are too lazy and entitled to think you ought to do it yourself.
What do you do for those less fortunate than you? Or is the only reason you befriend rich people is because of what you hope to get from them? Is charity always someone else's obligation?
Or, and here's the biggie, is this just a poorly constructed fib to try to get a bit of attention from strangers on Mumsnet?

Diverseopinions · 31/08/2020 21:33

I think the way it does work in practice is that well-off friends might give you their 'cast-offs', which, because the friends are well-off, are tasteful and little used, and you get the brilliant benefit.
My friend has just brought me round some lovely linen clothes which her sister-in-law had finished with, and previously curtains and cushions. One of her friends was throwing out a fantastic sofa and it came my way - I just paid for transportation. So I think this sharing around can be a realistic method of receiving help from friends, without awkwardness. I'm not offended by having second-hand goods, and it's usual and cool to buy second-hand items from charity shops.

I think those community social media sites, and Freecycle, are a community-style version of neighbours wanting to help out their neighbours, and being prepared to shift along some quite nice items which they might have otherwise sold. I think there is an element of altruism in these neighbourly gestures. I got two great Bosch lawnmowers from outside my neighbour's house, being thrown out. A bit noisy, but lovely.

I can imagine one friend might send their teenage son round to help tidy the garden. This would be quite usual, to help out a friend going through difficult emotional times.

I think your thread, OP, does highlight some significant aspects of culture. Posters are implying
that friends don't buy each useful-value gifts - but why shouldn't they do so? The reason is tradition and cultural norms and expectation. It would give pleasure to think of someone having a washing machine thanks to a kind gesture. I believe that there will be groups and communities which might assist one another. Mostly, though, family would be expected to help out in this way.

ivykaty44 · 31/08/2020 21:33

on an aside I have noticed in life

some of those that don't have two half pennies to rub together will share what they have with someone worse off

some of those that have money do so as they don't share

HowFastIsTooFast · 31/08/2020 21:34

Wow, surely this can't be real?!? I've got a few friends who are very much better off than I am (through their own hard graft rather than wealthy families) and I would never, ever, expect anything from them except their friendship.

Yes there have been times when they've spoiled me a bit (a posh afternoon tea to cheer me up when I was having a bad time, generous with the good wine & champagne when I'm at theirs for a meal for example) but never ever something as patronising as 'sending the gardener round'.

I like to think that I pay back their kindness in other ways, babysitting their kids from time to time so they can go out, or being around when they need a listening ear.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 31/08/2020 21:34

No, they did not come round with a takeaway or a bottle of wine. They took the point of view that divorce might be contagious and avoided me till the dust settled (unless they needed childcare on the spot).

And you think them not buying washing machine etc is the problem? You need your priorities sortedShock