Friends with money

[Ritascornershop]

I was one of a few working class kids in a posh state school. So from a very young age I had friends whose parents made (compared to my parents) a lot of money. None of their mums worked, all had vacation homes, all were given cars for their birthdays when of age to drive. When we grew up we stayed friends, saw each other constantly. I couldn’t go on skiing holidays with them as I couldn’t afford it, but otherwise was included in group things.

By their early 20’s all had either been given homes to live in or rental properties (with multiple flats) to rent out for money. Of course my parents could not afford this.

Now, in middle age, they’ve all been mortgage free for decades whereas (since buying my ex out of the house so the kids didn’t have to move) I have 20 years left on my mortgage. They’ve all got bags of money in the bank and have inherited more (my dad died without life insurance and my mum had her savings stolen before I was aware of it so too late to protect her in that way). They all have holiday homes. None of them have high-earning jobs, it’s all inherited properties and highly valuable art work and antiques and stocks and cash. (Yes I do know how muchish this stuff is worth as they talk about while I’ve helped them sort things for auctions).

Is anyone else in this position? I find it a tad difficult that when I first got divorced no-one ever said “is there anything I can do?” “Can I send my gardener around?” “Your washing machine is broken? A new one is on its way.”

Do I need new friends? I just feel like if I was that well off I’d want to help out a friend. It would seem normal and I feel a bit underwhelmed by this 50 years of meh.

Im quite rich these days and I’d happily help out mates who needed it.
But I can’t send round my cleaner or gardener etc these people work for me, they’re not slaves I can just tell what to do.

I would be so insulted if any of my friends helped me in any way financially.

You’d think friends would know each other well enough to know if they’d appreciate help or be offended by it.

I’m glad my close friendships are the looking after each other type. Quite honestly, is it a proper friendship if you don’t give and take support? To me, any less than that is just an acquaintance.

There are ways of suggesting help tactfully and even if a friend’s pride was dented, hopefully they’d know you were coming from a loving place.

Doesn’t have to be cold hard cash!

@Ritascornershop I don't really think it's about the gardener or the washing machine, I think you are burned out and maybe miss having someone to care for you, a common issue when long term single, working and raising kids.

I think diversity is the spice of life, maybe join a hobby or group with people who are more like you. Could be as simple as a monthly book group, or maybe something like a ramble for single parents or meet up. Gingerbread and the Ramblers Association are good places to start.

It's normal to feel burnout and sometimes friends where so much is so easy just highlights your own exhaustion.

You've done so well in you circumstances. Keep your chin up and be proud of all you've accomplished.

Yes, I think you need new friends. That has nothing to do with the lack of financial help from your friends. Frankly, it's ridiculous to expect someone to buy you a new washing machine, etc. But these people seem to be unsupportive on the most basic emotional level. They distanced themselves from you during your divorce when you needed a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. It sounds as though they aren't really close friends at this point, just people with whom you have a shared history.

I wouldn't resent them for their lack of financial assistance. You're an adult, responsible for your own circumstances and you can't really expect a handout from wealthy friends. But I would be extremely hurt by their attitude during the divorce.

I have a relative who has a lot of rich friends, when she is far from rich herself. She made it her business to ingratiate herself with this crowd, when there were many “ordinary” people to be friends with. She has lovely free holidays, weekend house parties (or did!), stays in London etc, but she is constantly moaning about having no money, and being broke. I find it intensely irritating as she is not poor by normal standards, just not as well off as the people she consorts with.

As others have said, if you want to feel bad, compare yourself with someone “better”.

All these VERY RICH PEOPLE were in a state school? Doesn't sound like any state school I've ever been involved with.

I promise you, the ACTUAL rich people aren't in state school (however "posh" it seems). They're in private schools.

The Op says she is not in UK. She might have gone to the school in Beverly Hills 90210.

Nevertheless, I don’t believe for a minute there weren’t plenty of less loaded people to be friends with.

I was also just going to give Beverley Hill 90210 as an example

Re-reading OP, I think the circumstances sound fairly exceptional. However, the post does shine a light on what happens following a divorce.

In my general experience of what goes on around me, I'd say that individuals who are used to living on a tight budget grow used and skilled in the ways of using channels which supply quality goods inexpensively. Good example - Lidl and Aldi: fantastic quality, usually, for so much less. So many staples are cheap. Markets are fantastic for masses of soft fruit for £10. You eat your 'fifteen a day' instead of five a day. Freecycle definitely has free washing machines and computers, and if you were used to being frugal, you would usually know somebody who can help with a pick up van. You'd mix with folk who have informal recycling networks.

However, being divorced can launch you without much warning into straightened circumstances . If your ex earns more than you, and you get on quite amicably, I think it's really worth being adaptable over some things, maybe childcare-share, if he'll agree to buy big items necessary for the well-being of the kids, and you pay him back as and when you can.

I think you’re responsible for your own life choices, finances, career, divorce costs. Very unusual to expect friends to bail you out. Unless they’re very close friends, and clearly these women are not.

I wouldn’t offer to buy a friend a new washing machine or send my gardener round free of charge. What if she expected more freebies or relied on me every time something broke? Nobody is obliged to give large gifts just because they are wealthy.

Might seem like they have lots of disposable income but are you sure? Money is often tied up in property, investments, businesses. Or saved for children and grandchildren. Or they have partners who don’t agree to ‘helping’ you.

I used to pay for a friend who was worse off than me (she was always saying how hard up she was). I paid for her train tickets, taxis, meals out, little things like tea and cake. She never reciprocated or thanked me. In the end I resented her. I asked her why she never paid for anything (even a token like our coffee out occasionally). She said simply I had plenty of money compared to her. True. But I felt used and hurt, even though we’d been friends since school. It spoilt our friendship.

Comparison is the thief of joy.
Find new friends and lower your expectations. Visit Money Saving Expert and ask for advice on budgeting with what you have. Stop expecting others to bail you out.

I (with a high earning DH) am much wealthier than my best friend. We've been friends for 30 years and whilst we own a good sized house in a nice area, she's in a council house and they have a low overall income. I help her out in little ways and she does the same for me.

I run an online shop and she recently ordered something small. Not because she needed it, but because she wanted to support me. I was horrified because a) she can't really afford to do that and b) she didn't use the discount code I gave her. She said she thought it would be taking advantage.

That's the difference with you, OP - you think that because your friends have more, they should give you some of it. A true friend just wants to support you emotionally, without financial expectations.

I did refund my friend with the discount code!

There is definitely a tendency for hypocrisy with these kinds of people. They are financially comfortable through handouts and inheritance that they have not earned themselves.

When someone less well off needs assistance, in my experience its the friends with less money etc who are the most supportive both just emotionally as well as financially/practically helping. Those who have the most to give... often seem not to want to... and were given lots themselves...

Those who have success/wealth given to them through wealthy parents, inheritance etc often take the view that if you're poor its due to your own poor actions, ignoring the fact they are only where they are through a great deal of familial help.

The thing is if I were rich (sigh) I’d be helping my dcs and family. A school friend from 50 years ago, not so much, if it were a really good friend/best friend then of course, but OP does not sound as if she is that level of friend.