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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends with money

217 replies

Ritascornershop · 31/08/2020 19:57

I was one of a few working class kids in a posh state school. So from a very young age I had friends whose parents made (compared to my parents) a lot of money. None of their mums worked, all had vacation homes, all were given cars for their birthdays when of age to drive. When we grew up we stayed friends, saw each other constantly. I couldn’t go on skiing holidays with them as I couldn’t afford it, but otherwise was included in group things.

By their early 20’s all had either been given homes to live in or rental properties (with multiple flats) to rent out for money. Of course my parents could not afford this.

Now, in middle age, they’ve all been mortgage free for decades whereas (since buying my ex out of the house so the kids didn’t have to move) I have 20 years left on my mortgage. They’ve all got bags of money in the bank and have inherited more (my dad died without life insurance and my mum had her savings stolen before I was aware of it so too late to protect her in that way). They all have holiday homes. None of them have high-earning jobs, it’s all inherited properties and highly valuable art work and antiques and stocks and cash. (Yes I do know how muchish this stuff is worth as they talk about while I’ve helped them sort things for auctions).

Is anyone else in this position? I find it a tad difficult that when I first got divorced no-one ever said “is there anything I can do?” “Can I send my gardener around?” “Your washing machine is broken? A new one is on its way.”

Do I need new friends? I just feel like if I was that well off I’d want to help out a friend. It would seem normal and I feel a bit underwhelmed by this 50 years of meh.

OP posts:
Notmoresugar · 31/08/2020 21:01

It just doesn't work like that.
If you resent them you shouldn't be friends with them.

LonginesPrime · 31/08/2020 21:01

"Can I send my gardener around?” “Your washing machine is broken? A new one is on its way.”

Er, what?

I have lots of well-off friends but it hadn't even occurred to me that they should be buying me stuff!

How odd.

DidoAtTheLido · 31/08/2020 21:02

Did they offer moral support when you were going through your divorce? Meet up for drinks and coffee? Listen to you spill it all out on the phone?

That's what friends are for.

Best not to expect them to treat you like a kid or a pet, just because your financial circumstances are different.

You have done well with money, managed well, to buy your Ex out etc - I bet if you were 100% in an impossible spot they would lend you money of you asked, or help out, but they are paying you the compliment of treating you as a grown up managing well in more difficult circumstances than theirs.

Don't let envy spoil things.

Ditheringdooley · 31/08/2020 21:02

Rich people are much tighter. Unless they had just won the lottery, it wouldn’t cross someone’s mind to get you a new washing machine.

Cam77 · 31/08/2020 21:03

I have a washing machine you can have OP. It’s in perfect working, a nice Zanussi, but the door won’t close as I busted the lock trying to get my garments out when it wouldn’t open. I’m in Ireland so you’ll have to pay a fair bit for postage, unless you can collect?

Elsewyre · 31/08/2020 21:03

@Ritascornershop

I was one of a few working class kids in a posh state school. So from a very young age I had friends whose parents made (compared to my parents) a lot of money. None of their mums worked, all had vacation homes, all were given cars for their birthdays when of age to drive. When we grew up we stayed friends, saw each other constantly. I couldn’t go on skiing holidays with them as I couldn’t afford it, but otherwise was included in group things.

By their early 20’s all had either been given homes to live in or rental properties (with multiple flats) to rent out for money. Of course my parents could not afford this.

Now, in middle age, they’ve all been mortgage free for decades whereas (since buying my ex out of the house so the kids didn’t have to move) I have 20 years left on my mortgage. They’ve all got bags of money in the bank and have inherited more (my dad died without life insurance and my mum had her savings stolen before I was aware of it so too late to protect her in that way). They all have holiday homes. None of them have high-earning jobs, it’s all inherited properties and highly valuable art work and antiques and stocks and cash. (Yes I do know how muchish this stuff is worth as they talk about while I’ve helped them sort things for auctions).

Is anyone else in this position? I find it a tad difficult that when I first got divorced no-one ever said “is there anything I can do?” “Can I send my gardener around?” “Your washing machine is broken? A new one is on its way.”

Do I need new friends? I just feel like if I was that well off I’d want to help out a friend. It would seem normal and I feel a bit underwhelmed by this 50 years of meh.

It seems insane you found a community that is able to live purely off I inherited wealth. I mean like really insane, especially as they then let you in?

Are you sure they dont actually have jobs too?

Elsewyre · 31/08/2020 21:05

@Ditheringdooley

Rich people are much tighter. Unless they had just won the lottery, it wouldn’t cross someone’s mind to get you a new washing machine.
Well can you blame them?

According to the OP they essentially have a fixed amount of stuff from mum and dad to sell before they're destitute.

upsidedownwavylegs · 31/08/2020 21:05

It sounds like you’re almost certainly drastically overestimating your friends’ wealth. Plus the washing machine/gardener things are just weird. Gardeners don’t get ‘sent’ anywhere by clients, round here they’re in insanely high demand as are cleaners. What’s stopping you from earning enough to get your own washing machine/gardener? (That’s a real question not snark!) are any of those obstacles surmountable?

StoneofDestiny · 31/08/2020 21:06

Look at it another way OP - there are millions of people worse off than you, what do you do for them?

Spidey66 · 31/08/2020 21:07

I think you need some salt and vinegar for the chip on your shoulder.

LonginesPrime · 31/08/2020 21:07

Could you downsize to a place with a more manageable garden, OP?

BluebellCockleshell123 · 31/08/2020 21:08

I understand that the disparity of income must be difficult for you. But no matter your personal financial circumstances, the main things that friends can offer are support, laughs and a friendly ear...not money.

I have close friends that I am much wealthier than (minimum wage earners), but also close friends that are much much wealthier than me (multi millionaires). I would not consider ever offering any financial aid to the former and wouldn’t expect any from the latter.

Have you ever spelled it out that you are financially struggling? If I was super rich and knew for a fact I could help a friend with a comparatively minor expense e.g. to replace a broken washing machine then of course I would help. Is it possible that your friends don’t actually grasp the reality of your circumstances...?

user1473878824 · 31/08/2020 21:08

@StoneofDestiny

Look at it another way OP - there are millions of people worse off than you, what do you do for them?
Quite.
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 31/08/2020 21:09

Errr I might buy a friend a coffee....probably not a washing machine.
Money has no baring on whether I’m someone’s friend or not, equally I’m not paying for someone else’s life or vice versa

AntiHop · 31/08/2020 21:10

Your situation sounds very extreme. If your friends' families are so rich, I'm surprised they weren't at private school.

I went to a private school and most of my friends are much wealthier than me, but only one has the kind of family wealth you describe.

WanderingTrolley1 · 31/08/2020 21:13

Jealously is a curse, OP.
If you expect your friends to throw money at every problem you encounter, maybe it’s them who need new friends.

MorganKitten · 31/08/2020 21:14

Is this a joke? I’m the least well off amount friends and I wouldn’t be comfortable with expensive gifts just because I wasn’t as wealthy.

meadowmom · 31/08/2020 21:15

I find that my wealthy friends also have huge outgoings and are actually living at the limit. They spend a lot. They might not have as much to spare as you think they do

LonginesPrime · 31/08/2020 21:16

If your friends' families are so rich, I'm surprised they weren't at private school.

Lots of rich children go to good state schools and grammars.

Frazzled13 · 31/08/2020 21:17

By their early 20’s all had either been given homes to live in or rental properties (with multiple flats) to rent out for money. Of course my parents could not afford this.

You know more than one person who was gifted multiple flats to rent out by their parents and they went to state school?
I went to a state school in a pretty wealthy area, I don't know anyone given anything more than a single house (which I appreciate is a lot but seriously, multiple flats?! That's not just giving them a property, that's giving away an income!)

Original poster
Ritascornershop · 31/08/2020 21:17

Just at the end of page one, a few quick answers;

Friends did not retain most of the art work, antiques etc as it was not to their taste, they sold it to increase their already healthy bank balances

None are unemployed, they aren’t cash poor, their salaries pay their living costs more than easily. It’s apparent when you spend this much time around people whether or not they have a lot of disposable income.

I’m not surprised that on MN people would be horrified at the thought of helping out others, but it just baffles me as if the positions were reversed I’d help in a second. I’ve done loads of things for them when I can, months sorting through their parents’ possessions, childcare, taking loads and loads to the dump etc. I was glad to do it because we have been friends since we were tiny. But it doesn’t feel reciprocated. When my mum died a friend who is from a similar background to me was the one to help me sort her few things. When my kids needed childcare it was that friend or paid care.

I don’t get it. You inherit millions and you wouldn’t send your single mum friend who works but can’t afford a new washer without saving for months a machine costing a few hundred? Seems stingy to me.

OP posts:
GinDrinker00 · 31/08/2020 21:17

YABU and you know it.

CharismaticVic · 31/08/2020 21:19

So many people on their high horse on MN! Most of us don't have friends with money but if we did we would not expect them to buy us things HOWEVER but some mutual appreciation of circumstances etc is what I think the OP is getting at. It's natural to be jealous of someone who has what you want even if they are the best friends you have. The OP has been friends with her group for many years so she clearly isn't entitled as she would have dropped them early on if she was 'gold digging' and didn't get what he/she wanted.

daisypond · 31/08/2020 21:19

Some of these replies are plain nasty. I get you, OP.

Dozer · 31/08/2020 21:19

Seriously doubt that EVERYONE at a state school had families that wealthy. Sounds like you made some wealthy friends and still resent being less well off.

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