To want to leave over DH saying he doesn't like being a father

[wineandwhining]

Just this, DH has been pretty snappy and short with me all week, so I pressed him to talk (he hates talking), and he tells me he's not really into being a father.

We have a three month old girl who is actually a pretty good baby. She sleeps through, rarely cries except when a bit windy, and I do 95% of the care for her.

Today he said this and then explained that he feels life is going to be a slog forever now, and that his life isn't his, and that mostly he fakes the happiness he shows. Honestly I wanted to hit him over the head.

He's been like this for years, he's never happy. He did have a drinking problem which I thought was the source of this but he's been sober for over a year and nothing has changed.

Does this change for new dads? I thought maybe it was paternal post natal depression but he doesn't think it is. He thinks its just him and this is what its like forever now.

I can't have my life be like this, and I worry for my DH.

Is it AIBU to leave?

While yes, the early days can feel a bit ‘wtf have I done’, the fact you say he has always been like this is quite telling. If he’s always been a moaning mike, having the pressure of a young child is only going to make things worse. YANBU.

She is an IVF baby so I thought we both really wanted her.

If he continues like this, you’ll have to separate. He may end up being a considerably better father after that - if he wants access, he’ll need to get off his backside.

I'll be honest I felt a bit like this at 3 months, I loved my DS (and still do), but it felt relentless and like my life was ruined also. He can't help how he feels, how about supporting him rather than seeing it as some horrible comment?

Lots of mothers struggle with adapting to the changes a baby brings as well as the changes in your relationship. It’s not unreasonable to cut him some slack while he adjusts to it too. I’d say it’s early days to make such a decision, it takes at least six months to settle in with a baby. Does he love the baby?

But being a parent is really hard, a slog and a big shock. I wouldn't leave him over it bit i would leave him over general moaning.

Agree with pps that parenthood is a big shock. He'll probably get over it.

These are not normal times, either. Not an easy time to bring a child into the world.

Be kind to both of you and give it time.

If he is still like this in a year, rethink things.

My DH once said if he had his time over again, he didn’t think he would go down the kids route.
I think dds were about 2 and 5 at the time. Nothing changed though and we just carried on being parents. He wasn’t a moaner about it though.
DDs are now 19 and 16.
I can understand your feelings totally though. Did he back this up with what he wants to do or wants to happen?

A lot of women have come on here and said they hate being a parent. It's such a huge life adjustment that people are bound to struggle - and nothing in the world can prepare you for it.

I think you're overreacting by saying you want to leave him. Nobody enjoys parenting 100% of the time - it IS hard and it does change your life - if not forever, then for at least 18-20 years. It's not easy.

If it were just this week then I'd say he's being open and honest with you - it is hard. And better that he talks about it than some other potential 'coping' strategies.

However you say
He's been like this for years, he's never happy.

Has he had counselling? Does he do AA?

It’s not unreasonable to cut him some slack while he adjusts to it too.

She already doing 95% of the work, how much more slack does this useless waste of oxygen need?!

Having a baby is a shock, but he needs to knuckle down and get on with it, like women have to, and not nope around gazing into his navel.

I don't regret having children, but I've definitely found it a bit of a slog over the years. He's right, your life isn't your own and it never really will be again.

As a PP said, I wouldn't leave him over this; you need to give him a bit of time to adjusted. However, I could never live with a persistent moaner. My DH can occasionally be a bit of a misery over fairly minor stuff, which I can deal with. If he was like that all the time, I honesty couldn't stay with him.

He is being honest and telling you he is struggling with parenthood. Men are allowed to feel like this as well as women. It is hard work and his feelings are legitimate. Maybe cut him some slack and support him to develop a bond with his daughter. Try to get him more involved in her care. I don't think leaving him is the answer.

My DH really didn't like having a baby for several months. It slowly got better and now they are inseparable and he adores her.

If you're not a baby person then I think it's very hard to enjoy it or even like them until they start to give something back.

I don't know anything about paternal PND, but some of those things he is saying do sound similar to PND, I think. But, if this hasn't come on recently, then maybe something else.

It sounds like this has been going on for a while op. Could you go for counselling together or separately? Give it a last go before making any big decisions?

As Apollo said, getting him more involved with care will help.

It's hard because pushing additional care onto someone not enjoying it feels counter productive but I noticed after the odd night away with work they were closer when I returned.

Ywbu to leave him for that, yes, unless there's a lot more to it. Having a new baby is a massive change. Babies that age are not very rewarding and men don't have the hormones to make them see it in the same way as mothers do. He may feel very different when she's a year old and smiling and laughing whenever she sees him. I wonder why he thinks it's a slog.
Is he getting the chance to go out, see friends etc? Does he pull his weight at home? Perhaps you should get him more involved in looking after his daughter, leave him with her for an hour or 2 each day? It's good that he has started the conversation, perhaps he can suggest what would make him feel better about things.

If everything else is good, I definitely wouldn't leave him over this! We all have days like this in parenthood, and chances are he'll enjoy her far more when a bit older.
If there are already cracks, then yeah, it's probably not ideal ...

Imagine if a new mum came out and said this? She'd be told to suck it up, 'you had a baby, this is what you have to deal with' or take herself to the docs to be checked for PND. But she would still have to parent regardless. Its what is expected of mums.

But poor menz get 'aww, bless it must be a hard adjustment' etc from some posters?!

OP, you don't need to cut him any more slack. You are doing 95% of the work. He needs to sort himself out and be a father or get lost. You'll probably find things easier on your own with your beautiful, much longed for daughter rather than having to prop up your DH as well.

It's not post natal depression because he's not post-natal.

The drinking problem and the fake happiness makes me think it's depression depression. Did he actually seek help around alcohol? There are a lot of 'dry drunks' who have all the behaviours and moods of alcoholics without the drinking.

At three months in, I think what he is feeling is normal. I’m feeling it and my youngest is almost 18 months. However, it does get better and rewarding/enjoyable but I honestly think lots of men don’t like the newborn stage (as well as plenty of women). Once your DD starts being able to interact and actively play, I think it all becomes much more rewarding.

If you are doing 95% of the childcare, is he feeling pushed out and not getting a chance to bond? Or is it just not interested at all?

I would leave him over being honest about what is probably a normal and natural reaction for many people. If this is the tip of the iceberg and you don’t see a future together, then that’s different.

*wouldn’t! 🤦🏻‍♀️ I wouldn’t leave him, not I would.

Imagine if a new mum came out and said this? She'd be told to suck it up, 'you had a baby, this is what you have to deal with' or take herself to the docs to be checked for PND. But she would still have to parent regardless. Its what is expected of mums.

No she wouldn't. There have been threads where people have said they are struggling, and literally no one has said she would just have to deal with it. I agree it shouldn't be an 'excuse' for him to opt out of parenting, and he should be doing more than a measly 5%; but telling someone to 'suck it up' never helps.

rather than having to prop up your DH as well.

Wow, if OP is ever struggling you'd hope her DH would 'prop her up', or as others like to see it, as supporting their partner.

YANBU. He needs to grow up and be a parent. It's not something he can turn his back on because he's "not into it".