Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to leave over DH saying he doesn't like being a father

204 replies

wineandwhining · 30/08/2020 15:16

Just this, DH has been pretty snappy and short with me all week, so I pressed him to talk (he hates talking), and he tells me he's not really into being a father.

We have a three month old girl who is actually a pretty good baby. She sleeps through, rarely cries except when a bit windy, and I do 95% of the care for her.

Today he said this and then explained that he feels life is going to be a slog forever now, and that his life isn't his, and that mostly he fakes the happiness he shows. Honestly I wanted to hit him over the head.

He's been like this for years, he's never happy. He did have a drinking problem which I thought was the source of this but he's been sober for over a year and nothing has changed.

Does this change for new dads? I thought maybe it was paternal post natal depression but he doesn't think it is. He thinks its just him and this is what its like forever now.

I can't have my life be like this, and I worry for my DH.

Is it AIBU to leave?

OP posts:
Peachy1381 · 30/08/2020 21:34

Got a pal who was basically the same as your DH. IVF baby. Three or four months after the baby was born was very much NOT into being a parent. We talked about it on and off over the first year of the baby's life, in those really honest 3am conversations you have with old friends. How they didn't enjoy being a parent, the relationship with baby's mother had changed, life wasn't their own anymore, the guilt, the love, the loss of independence. It was the only time I've ever heard them seriously talk about not being with their wife. It was a bit crazy and not like them really. But it passed. Four years on they are an amazing parent. Still in a happy relationship with the child's mother. I think this happens sometimes. Being a new parent isn't easy. Might be the same story for you and your DH.

DameFanny · 30/08/2020 21:39

Think people are missing the massive difference between being a shell shocked new father because you're actually involved with the baby full on, and being a whiny fucker who's not doing any of that (unless there's an audience) because it's too hard

RealBecca · 30/08/2020 22:31

So he didn't want to talk, you pressed hi to and don't like what he said. You need to be more supportive. If this was the other way round your be getting all kinds of comments about how he may have postnatal.

It is a slog and not everyone enjoys it. You're a team. Support him. Get couples counselling and find ways for him to bond or seek support from the GP.

SentientAndCognisant · 30/08/2020 22:43

They’re a dysfunctional team and she does 95% of the graft
Counselling isn’t a panacea, if the dynamic is impaired
He is a performance pony only when his mother can observe his domestic duties

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/08/2020 22:49

@RealBecca

So he didn't want to talk, you pressed hi to and don't like what he said. You need to be more supportive. If this was the other way round your be getting all kinds of comments about how he may have postnatal.

It is a slog and not everyone enjoys it. You're a team. Support him. Get couples counselling and find ways for him to bond or seek support from the GP.

She should support him. By taking a little more of the load than he does. By encouraging him to seek help.

Oh, she's doing that. And more. And he's performance parenting for his Mum and fuck all else.

Exactly how much more supportive do you think she should be? Do 100% of the parenting?

londontree · 30/08/2020 22:59

An alcoholic, including one not drinking but not really in recovery, might well rely on a lot of caretaking from a partner. Practically sometimes but often emotionally as well. A partner unwittingly becomes the supportive one, the one to fit around the others moods and needs and emotions day to day.

Your focus will now be on caretaking the needs of your daughter, not on him. On her moods and emotions, not his.

Someone9 · 30/08/2020 23:03

I've often said the same to my DH. Difference being I do 95% of all the care for my DC - I often think I'd love parenting if I only had to do 5% of it (like your DH).

I'm four years in and I still only like it a tiny bit of the time. Love my DC, hate the role if that makes sense? Like your husband said it's the never ending drudge that gets me down, mixed with complete overwhelm/boredom/frustration.

He sounds like a bit of a twat though considering he does fuck all parenting and has form for shitty behaviour pre-DC.

YANBU and I don't have any advice but I know how hard it is with a newborn and an unsupportive partner when all you want is be working as a team. Flowers for you

ineedaholidaynow · 30/08/2020 23:21

I'm not sure I could stay with anyone who only pretends to be a parent when other people are watching. I can't see how he can call it a slog when he isn't doing anything!

If he didn't like walking the dog when the baby is in a sling, then he could have done the 2 things separately, it's not rocket science.

Receptionwoes · 30/08/2020 23:57

@Bluntness100 that’s seriously what you took from this? Hmm

GarlicMcAtackney · 31/08/2020 00:24

Surely he has now considered what his life will be like when he has to parent his kid 50% of the time once you ditch him, so how does he plan for that when he ‘doesn’t feel like it’? What were his expectations of parenting when he was carefully and expensively trying to cause a pregnancy? He cannot choose to be a bystander in his life now that he’s forced a person into existence, that is no longer a possibility.

Mostlylurkingiam · 31/08/2020 00:39

Why do you let him get away with doing so little? Sounds like you need to have a conversation about that and make it clear it is not about what he is willing to do or not do. The things need to be done and they need to be split fairly. You say you have had barely any time away from baby, consider saying you are going out without her at x time for a coffee/walk etc. It sounds like he is being let get away with whatever he likes, on top of mental health issues, you can be supportive while not being a doormat.

eyesbiggerthanstomach · 31/08/2020 00:54

Sorry to say my DH was like this. We are now separated. He is happier and is a marginally better dad now as only sees our little one once a week so it is more quality time.

VandalisedVegetables · 31/08/2020 01:19

Can't believe that someone has suggested he needs a time consuming hobby. He spends little time with his child as it is but yeah, fuck that five per cent he does and send him to play golf instead.

He gets two hours out everyday with the dog by the sounds of it. OP had has three hours in three bloody and she's spent a chunk of that doing housework. Two hours a day walking the dog on its own isnt a bad thing if that what the dig needs but maybe OP would like a few hours out walking to herself? I just think it's kind of sad he spends more time with the family dog than his child.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/08/2020 01:22

I just think it's kind of sad he spends more time with the family dog than his child.

That's a miserable sentence. You're so right.

Yeahnahmum · 31/08/2020 01:26

Parenthood is hard. Super hard. So fair enough he struggles

however. ....
He has been struggling for years and doesnt talk and isnt a 'talker'. And doesnt like to be a dad.

I think you should leave. He would suck the joy out of your life and probably had already. Plus the fact he does nothing for his own kid...

newmum2999 · 31/08/2020 01:26

Men can get post natal depression too.

Don't be too quick to leave and actually make sure he is ok. It's really hard having a baby and the first few months do take a while to adjust.

If a mother posted this, we would all be concerned. A father says if and he's automatically an arsehole who cba.

newmum2999 · 31/08/2020 01:29

Lol, I have had three hours away from DD since she was born. Which includes the 45 mins he had with her today. I should (and am) the one hacked off because I don't get to shower until midday most days. That 45 minutes gave me 5 mins for a shower, do my hair and makeup, tidy the house. Made me feel like a new woman.

Do you think I'm getting that again? No, not unless MIL is there to witness his ace parenting skills.

*THATS WHAT HAVING A NEW BABY IS LIKE. FFS.
*
Confused

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/08/2020 01:47

Men can get post natal depression too.

No they can't because they aren't post-natal. Clue is in the name. They get adjustment disorder. And that doesn't mean you can parent when your mum is looking but you can't when she's not.

newmum2999 · 31/08/2020 01:52

@MrsTerryPratchett

Men can get post natal depression too.

No they can't because they aren't post-natal. Clue is in the name. They get adjustment disorder. And that doesn't mean you can parent when your mum is looking but you can't when she's not.

Excuse me?

www.signs-of-postnatal-depression.co.uk/postnatal-depression-in-men.html#:~:text=%20Here%20is%20a%20list%20of%20potential%20signs,Impulsive%20risk%20taking%2010%20Suicidal%20thoughts%20More%20

newmum2999 · 31/08/2020 01:53

@MrsTerryPratchett

I'm a mental health practitioner. Do not talk nonsense.

www.nct.org.uk/life-parent/emotions/postnatal-depression-dads-10-things-you-should-know

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/08/2020 01:58

I'm a mental health practitioner. Do not talk nonsense.

I hope you are just a MN 'MH practitioner' rather than a RL one. Because you give horrifying advice. And you have worse knowledge of MH. You've heard of adjustment disorder, right? What with you being a MH practitioner.

pallisers · 31/08/2020 02:31

@MellySandra

Do many mums abdicate 95% of the responsibility while complaining? I've never met one. You get slack for the feelings, you don't get slack for being slack.

Admittedly I hadn’t got that far, Ofc that’s shit. The people who had been posting before me though also wouldn’t have read that and we’re still telling her to get rid.

it was in the original post.
Pesimistic · 31/08/2020 03:27

Some men arent cut out to be fathers even when they do 5% parenting they still complain. My ex said I'll do more when hes more entertaining,he hasn't. He is just selfish, and I suspect your husband is one of those who will just swan off doing his own thing leaving you resentful and eventually split up.

1forAll74 · 31/08/2020 04:03

He sounds very immature,and paternal post natal depression is a rubbish statement. Has being a Father, curtailed his lifestyle somewhat ? and does he not see that you are a little family unit now, and life has changed a bit.

He is talking rubbish right now, saying his life will be a slog from now on, so this may indicate that he might well cause some issues for you later. I guess that you will just have to keep check of his behaviour for a while, and make decisions later.

Boomerwang · 31/08/2020 04:48

My ex and I became different people once my child was born and the honeymoon period had worn off. I was a first time mother and worried about everything but he tried to carry on being the chill guy he was before, which wound me up. Picture the two of us standing over our daughter's cot while she screamed, having an argument with each other about how to solve the problem instead of trying to help each other.

I'd hoped it would get better. He was only useful when it was time to be the 'saviour' like if she coughed on something or she was getting her shots. I stupidly saw that as cute.

He became depressed when she was about 4 months old and took it out on me. I moved out when she was just under two years old because he told me he wanted me to die.

All of our arguments were about money and how to bring up our child. We were wildly different.

Don't put up with it, start researching your options now. You might make better parents apart. I'm sure once the difficult years are over he'll be there to enjoy the easy parts, just like my ex. It's a bitter pill to swallow when your child still runs happily to it's useless parent but in the end sacrifices are made just for the child as soon as it is born.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.