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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to leave over DH saying he doesn't like being a father

204 replies

wineandwhining · 30/08/2020 15:16

Just this, DH has been pretty snappy and short with me all week, so I pressed him to talk (he hates talking), and he tells me he's not really into being a father.

We have a three month old girl who is actually a pretty good baby. She sleeps through, rarely cries except when a bit windy, and I do 95% of the care for her.

Today he said this and then explained that he feels life is going to be a slog forever now, and that his life isn't his, and that mostly he fakes the happiness he shows. Honestly I wanted to hit him over the head.

He's been like this for years, he's never happy. He did have a drinking problem which I thought was the source of this but he's been sober for over a year and nothing has changed.

Does this change for new dads? I thought maybe it was paternal post natal depression but he doesn't think it is. He thinks its just him and this is what its like forever now.

I can't have my life be like this, and I worry for my DH.

Is it AIBU to leave?

OP posts:
lioncitygirl · 30/08/2020 16:17

It IS a slog. My kids are older and it’s so hard still - it’s relentless some days and I cry. It’s early days for you. There are days I want to run and hide, there are days I want to hop on a plane and live with the monks in the mountains for a month - just to get some time and readjust. But there are great days. There are days I watch them just be - and they’re happy. There are days that I am so proud of them - I could burst. I would die for them. Give your husband time. Unless there is a background drip - yabu.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 30/08/2020 16:18

The early days are tough and it can feel like a slop.

Maybe it is paternal “PND” / paternal depression (which would be a better name for it in my view!)? He wouldn’t necessarily recognise it if it is.

However things do get better! Mine are older now and less of a slog! Although for fairness I should say the resentment of slogging all by myself in the early days did cause a divorce here.

1WildTeaParty · 30/08/2020 16:18

He sounds depressed - and ill with it.

Everything - even longed-for parenthood seems a slog and a life-sentence under this ailment.

He does need help and is lucky that you are looking after him (as well as your baby ) and that you are able to get him to talk. He probably needs more and should see his GP.

Frannibananni · 30/08/2020 16:19

How much was he drinking? He may need to see some one, what ever it is he needs to help himself alcoholrehab.com/addiction-recovery/dry-drunk-syndrome/

LadyLairdArgyll · 30/08/2020 16:22

He sounds like a pampered selfish Prick.

Spinakker · 30/08/2020 16:22

So sorry you are going through this OP. Well it's one thing to be not enjoying parenthood but it doesn't excuse being snappy with you. I think you need to call him out on it every time he does that. I think it's sad that he can't show any enthusiasm at all for his own daughter. My DH struggled in the early days and was a bit moody etc from all the demands but he's always been loving towards the kids as babies and happy to spend lots of time with them. I'm not sure what to suggest. What is his relationship with his parents like ? Any attachment issues ? Can you speak to someone in real life about this ? Hope you are ok. Really feel for you. Try and enjoy the time with your daughter whatever happens x

Downton57 · 30/08/2020 16:24

Is i possible that he is drinking again? My exH seemed very depressed for ages and I made several Gp appointments for him and even drove him to A and E one night when he seemed particularly low, to the point of suicidal. It turned out he was drinking heavily...but at the time I didn't have a clue.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/08/2020 16:25

@Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches

The early days are tough and it can feel like a slop.

Maybe it is paternal “PND” / paternal depression (which would be a better name for it in my view!)? He wouldn’t necessarily recognise it if it is.

However things do get better! Mine are older now and less of a slog! Although for fairness I should say the resentment of slogging all by myself in the early days did cause a divorce here.

There's already a term for it. Adjustment disorder (with depressed mood). The change to calling it male PND is a problem. However, this thread is not the place for that discussion.

In this case I don't think it IS adjustment disorder, because he was depressed and drinking before this. I think it's either depression that predated his drinking, or it's him preparing to relapse and trying to force OP's hand so it's 'her fault'. Either way, it's up to him to both do more parenting AND seek help.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/08/2020 16:25

Good point @Downton57 option 3 is that he has already relapsed.

newnameforthis123 · 30/08/2020 16:26

He's been like this for years, he's never happy. He did have a drinking problem which I thought was the source of this but he's been sober for over a year and nothing has changed.

Going through the struggle of IVF with someone struggling with addiction and then the aftermath of addiction and depressing must have been incredibly tough and perhaps adding a baby into the mix has tipped him over into a serious depressive episode. But that should have been considered before and I do understand that it's done now, little one is here and you adore them. He needs to seek help. He may well be suffering from a PND symptoms, but that doesn't excuse him from seeking help or apologising for hurtful words. I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds like maybe things were more delicate than you both realised mental health wise before you started TTC and IVF or underestimated the deep impact of parenting on his existing issues. Thanks

Cam77 · 30/08/2020 16:41

How is his life “a slog” if he doesn’t do anything?

You say he is never happy? Why did you what a child with him in the first place, he hardly sounds ideal parent material?

Maybe if he actually did some of the baby work he would bond with her.

SnackSizeRaisin · 30/08/2020 16:41

Op do you actually love him? It kind of sounds like you stayed with him because you wanted a baby, and now he's done that, is struggling and needs support, you are looking for justification to get rid. I mean you knew he had depression and didn't want your child to have a parent with depression, yet you still had a child with him. Anyway even if you split up he will still be her father forever, so she will still have that in her life. And so will you as you will have to share the parenting until your daughter is 18. There is no easy way out of this so think carefully.

Original poster
wineandwhining · 30/08/2020 16:42

I doubt he has relapsed, thanks to lockdown he's had no where to go, and he would need a significant amount of time to get to the level of drunk he used to. So I would smell it and be able to tell.

The whole dry drunk thing really makes sense. But he refuses to see anyone about it.

OP posts:
LadyLairdArgyll · 30/08/2020 16:42

There is no easy way out of this so think carefully.

OOft very harsh Confused

riotlady · 30/08/2020 16:43

I don’t think the problem is this isolated comment per se, because lots of people feel that way and the early years of having a baby are hard. The problem is that this is part of a much larger pattern of his addiction issues and depression (and I really do think he is depressed) weighing you down. I’ve suffered several major depressive episodes myself so I have loads of sympathy for how difficult it is, but at the same time you still have to take some responsibility for managing it and parenting and attempting to participate in life.

I think, for me, the dealbreaker would be: is he willing to do anything about it? He’s not happy and that’s going to impact on your family, so is he up for going to the doctors, maybe getting some counselling, working towards doing more of the childcare, etc? Or is he just expecting to be miserable and checked out forever, and you have to deal with it?

There are lots of support groups aimed specifically at men, which he might find more comfortable- these guys run across the country and have a very “blokey” vibe, as an example andysmanclub.co.uk/

Original poster
wineandwhining · 30/08/2020 16:45

@SnackSizeRaisin I do love him, we had a baby because we both agreed we wanted one. It was IVF and we both did that together, and he said he wanted it, and I cannot read minds so his word is all I had to go by.

OP posts:
zingally · 30/08/2020 16:48

Being honest with you, I felt like this after the birth of my twins. Went from a fun life of spending my money on whatever I liked, doing what I wanted, lovely "adult" holidays... Then I was elbow deep in nappies and had given up everything I'd previously enjoyed. Nearly 4 years on, I love my children more than life, and couldn't imagine life without them. Hopefully you're DH is the same...

But, by the same token, in the words of Judge Judy (which I watched this morning!) "You picked him." Someone with a drinking problem, who is "never happy" doesn't exactly read like "man of the century".

Downton57 · 30/08/2020 16:49

In my experience, after a relapse, the time to return to similar level of drinking shortened. And not being able to go out much is no barrier for a determined alcoholic. Don’t discount the possibility.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 30/08/2020 16:50

@EatDessertFirst

Imagine if a new mum came out and said this? She'd be told to suck it up, 'you had a baby, this is what you have to deal with' or take herself to the docs to be checked for PND. But she would still have to parent regardless. Its what is expected of mums.

But poor menz get 'aww, bless it must be a hard adjustment' etc from some posters?!

OP, you don't need to cut him any more slack. You are doing 95% of the work. He needs to sort himself out and be a father or get lost. You'll probably find things easier on your own with your beautiful, much longed for daughter rather than having to prop up your DH as well.

I agree with this as well. Especially with an 'easy' baby and the woman doing 95% of the work involved in having a baby.

Men like this really, really need to get over themselves.

PickAPi · 30/08/2020 16:52

I was going to say cut him some slack until you said be was like this before your baby.

Early days are hard and can be a bit like 'omg what have I done!' but yeah if he's always been like this I'd probably leave.

Greenhats10 · 30/08/2020 16:59

On the one hand, it's still early days. The first year to two years can be really hard on everyone.

On the other hand, i get the feeling that a lot of people (and especially men) go into parenting without quite fully appreciating what it entails. Everyone tells you that its hard work and they take over your life, but really how many of us quite appreciated what this means in practice. Most adults go from having quite a lot of free time to feeling lucky if they get around half hour to an hour a day when they are not looking after the kids, work or do chores. That's quite a big change. It took DH quite a long time to get used to it and if am honest he still finds it a slog and misses just having some guilt free time to himself and DS is now two.

But having kids is sort of irreversible i.e by the time you know what it's like you cant exactly give them back. And for a lot of people that's really hard. Fingers crossed he gets used to it but it might take him a while.

monkeymonkey2010 · 30/08/2020 17:03

I have probably had three hours total away from my baby since she was born. In fact I asked him to take her out this morning in the sling, when he walked our dog, and he came back and made these very comments

Yea - he's just a lazy bastard.
The time to think about how his life was going to change forever was BEFORE and WHILST IVF!

Time indeed does 'drag' when you're sat on your arse thinking up excuses as to why you 'can't do something....spending it being self absorbed and selfish.
He needs to get actively involved with parenting and childcare - get to KNOW his child and i'm sure it will do a lot more to alleviate his 'depression' and 'doom and gloom'....more than his non compliance with proper mental health treatment.

I'd leave him if he refuses to buckle up - mothers still have to continue parenting despite PND etc so he actually has NO excuse!

Jux · 30/08/2020 17:07

TBH, I think you'd be happier if you split - it doesn't have to be forever though. You can ask him to take some space away from home for a few months to see how it goes, but he would have to commit to seeing his child for set times regularly. Would you trust him to do that?

OnceUponATimeInHollywood · 30/08/2020 17:13

you said he's been like this for years

Which begs the question why you expected more when you have a baby together?

Sounds like he's been like this for many years and having a baby changes everything completely, it can make you feel overwhelmed and like your life is over. It does get easier as time goes on though. Its whether you want to wait to see if he can change?

OnceUponATimeInHollywood · 30/08/2020 17:14

[quote wineandwhining]@SnackSizeRaisin I do love him, we had a baby because we both agreed we wanted one. It was IVF and we both did that together, and he said he wanted it, and I cannot read minds so his word is all I had to go by.

[/quote]
Maybe he was trying to make you happy?
You wasnt to know though.

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