To want to leave over DH saying he doesn't like being a father

[wineandwhining]

Just this, DH has been pretty snappy and short with me all week, so I pressed him to talk (he hates talking), and he tells me he's not really into being a father.

We have a three month old girl who is actually a pretty good baby. She sleeps through, rarely cries except when a bit windy, and I do 95% of the care for her.

Today he said this and then explained that he feels life is going to be a slog forever now, and that his life isn't his, and that mostly he fakes the happiness he shows. Honestly I wanted to hit him over the head.

He's been like this for years, he's never happy. He did have a drinking problem which I thought was the source of this but he's been sober for over a year and nothing has changed.

Does this change for new dads? I thought maybe it was paternal post natal depression but he doesn't think it is. He thinks its just him and this is what its like forever now.

I can't have my life be like this, and I worry for my DH.

Is it AIBU to leave?

I think women tend to come to terms with the fact their lives will never be the same earlier than it does men. BUT if he feels like this now when you have a baby that sleeps through the night what will happen when she's in the midst of the terrible twos or hits the obstinate 4 years old stage where everything is a no or the hormonal teenage years???

If he can't handle things now when by your own admission things are "easy" he's in for a hell
Of a shock 🤷‍♀️

I also think sometimes there is this juxtaposition with IVF babies - on one hand they are desperately longed for, dreamed about, gone through hell for and on the other hand is the reality of actually having a baby and being a parent? And sometimes to be brutally honest the reality doesn't live up to the dream/hype. I also think a lot of times the male partner just goes along with IVF because it's what we as women so desperately want?

I hate MN some times when folks try and diagnose everyone. OP DH has said he isnt enjoying having a baby, it is interfering with his life and isnt happy. This is not depression or a piggy back attempt at PND- he has had a shock as to what having a baby means and isnt happy

The irony of you doing the same @blanchmange50 lol

@Bluntness100

To be honest I’d certainly not have enjoyed taking a baby out in a sling and walking rhe dog. I can see why he was a bit hacked off when he came back.

Because he should do even less than he’s doing now? Or because he should get to choose which bits are enough fun to bother with?

congratulations on your new baby op.
Your partner sounds depressed. It is a hateful condition which you always have. With treatment things can improve a lot. Yes there will still be blips but not as bad as it is all the time without treatment.
He really needs to face up to the fact that he needs help and get it.
It wont change overnight but once he admits he has a problem and seeks help then that is a good start.
He may benefit from AA.
Possibly you both need time alone as a couple even a couple of hours .
Do tell him that you care about him .
Ask him about his feelings and see what he says. He may be financially worried, covid may have stressed him .
Maybe say to him that " look the baby is smiling at you " or simlar and tell him what a wonderful father he is
Good wishes and I hope things improve.
Take all the help you can get.

@Bluntness100

To be honest I’d certainly not have enjoyed taking a baby out in a sling and walking rhe dog. I can see why he was a bit hacked off when he came back.

Lol, I have had three hours away from DD since she was born. Which includes the 45 mins he had with her today. I should (and am) the one hacked off because I don't get to shower until midday most days. That 45 minutes gave me 5 mins for a shower, do my hair and makeup, tidy the house. Made me feel like a new woman.

Do you think I'm getting that again? No, not unless MIL is there to witness his ace parenting skills.

But it is a huge shock having a baby. And I think having one after infertility actually makes it worse. We had DD (naturally) after beginning some treatment after several years of TTC. She was very very much wanted, by both of us.
The reality of early problems, screaming baby, the sheer tedium or having a newborn etc was something else. We both went thru a state of shock. We did both come out the other side and he adores her now but it took quite a while. Plus he was out at work a lot of the time so simply wasn't there to get to know her and when he was it was that awful evening phase where they whinge and cry and want to be fed endlessly.

What's her best time of day? Can he spend time with her then? I also found that mine lacked confidence and I was in danger of becoming the 'baby expert' as I was with her so much more so we started doing things like taking it in turns to do bedtime (she was combi-fed so it wasn't crucial I was there) which helped a lot.

But in fairness MN is hoaching with sofa social workers,lounge lawyers,bedroom barrister and patio psychiatrists
Guaranteed within a few posts on most threads someone will pipe up to diagnose
Narcissistic
Personality disorder
Depression

There was a thread other while about a neighbour spat and exchange of letters
Posters were piling in about
damages
Reputational defamation
GDPR breaches
In the meantime actual solicitors were posting and disavowing them of their misinformation . However folk largely chuntered on.

@Cryalot2

congratulations on your new baby op. Your partner sounds depressed. It is a hateful condition which you always have. With treatment things can improve a lot. Yes there will still be blips but not as bad as it is all the time without treatment. He really needs to face up to the fact that he needs help and get it. It wont change overnight but once he admits he has a problem and seeks help then that is a good start. He may benefit from AA. Possibly you both need time alone as a couple even a couple of hours . Do tell him that you care about him . Ask him about his feelings and see what he says. He may be financially worried, covid may have stressed him . Maybe say to him that " look the baby is smiling at you " or simlar and tell him what a wonderful father he is Good wishes and I hope things improve. Take all the help you can get.

Thank you.

We have tried loads of this stuff including him in AA.

I do wish I had help, I'm a bit alone in UK, all of my friends and fam are overseas, we moved here before DD was born. DH is English, all his family and mates are here.

Hoping it gets better. But, already formulating a plan to talk to a lawyer etc to get a sense of what I'm getting into with a separation.

@SentientAndCognisant

But in fairness MN is hoaching with sofa social workers,lounge lawyers,bedroom barrister and patio psychiatrists Guaranteed within a few posts on most threads someone will pipe up to diagnose Narcissistic Personality disorder Depression

There was a thread other while about a neighbour spat and exchange of letters
Posters were piling in about
damages
Reputational defamation
GDPR breaches
In the meantime actual solicitors were posting and disavowing them of their misinformation . However folk largely chuntered on.

Patio Psychiatrists... can they dish out pills? Asking for a friend.

Haha
Patio psychiatrists they dispense the pills and knowledgable about decking too

@SentientAndCognisant

Haha Patio psychiatrists they dispense the pills and knowledgable about decking too

Prefect, have a deck that also needs restoration.

In my experience, not drinking is not the same as being sober if that makes sense?

A drinking problem / alcoholism is generally very deep routed and the person uses the alcohol to numb / medicate some pretty serious issues. They may not even realise this is what they are doing or have any inkling that they are, in fact, seriously unwell.

Sometimes, the alcohol is the only thing that makes life bearable.

So if you take the alcohol away - but don't make any major changes to how you live / think / approach life, you actually have created a much bigger problem as you've removed the 'medicine' but done nothing about the illness.

I would strongly recommend he engages with some serious, long term counselling - ideally in AA but anything would be better than nothing.

Again, IME, a dry drunk will eventually return to their medicine when life gets too painful. At some very deep buried level, he could even be deliberately driving you away so that he can play a 'poor me' card when you leave and has a really really good excuse to start drinking again.

He was like it before, it can't be that much of a surprise? He needs to help out though and try to access some support if he's feeling that way.

But in fairness MN is hoaching with sofa social workers,lounge lawyers,bedroom barrister and patio psychiatrists
Guaranteed within a few posts on most threads someone will pipe up to diagnose
Narcissistic
Personality disorder
Depression

Brilliant and oh so true

Can i comment as a father?

When we found out my wife was pregnant, and we went to all the scans, i was very very very happy that i was gonna be a father, when baby was born, it was the best day of my life, instantly fell in love with our little one, the first 4 months i found it vwry hard, night feeds, then going to work the next day, it was very hard, ive always been someone that enjoys my own time and space, when i realised this wasnt gonna happen anymore i was quite unhappy but still loved being a father, now she is almost a year old and is a little sassy character and walking, im loving it!

So yeah i struggled at first adjusting to being a father, but i wouldnt change it for thr world!

@FusionChefGeoff

In my experience, not drinking is not the same as being sober if that makes sense?

A drinking problem / alcoholism is generally very deep routed and the person uses the alcohol to numb / medicate some pretty serious issues. They may not even realise this is what they are doing or have any inkling that they are, in fact, seriously unwell.

Sometimes, the alcohol is the only thing that makes life bearable.

So if you take the alcohol away - but don't make any major changes to how you live / think / approach life, you actually have created a much bigger problem as you've removed the 'medicine' but done nothing about the illness.

I would strongly recommend he engages with some serious, long term counselling - ideally in AA but anything would be better than nothing.

Again, IME, a dry drunk will eventually return to their medicine when life gets too painful. At some very deep buried level, he could even be deliberately driving you away so that he can play a 'poor me' card when you leave and has a really really good excuse to start drinking again.

Seriously thank you for this, I have never heard of the term dry drunk until today, but after a lot of reading it makes a tonne of sense.

I think I'm going to give it a few months. To see an immigration lawyer, because I'm on a spouse visa, DD is a British Citizen.. and then to see about sorting my own place. I'll have a very decent job by then and earning good money, so this shouldn't be an issue.

To PP's point; I mostly do this solo now.

@Bookriddle

Can i comment as a father?

When we found out my wife was pregnant, and we went to all the scans, i was very very very happy that i was gonna be a father, when baby was born, it was the best day of my life, instantly fell in love with our little one, the first 4 months i found it vwry hard, night feeds, then going to work the next day, it was very hard, ive always been someone that enjoys my own time and space, when i realised this wasnt gonna happen anymore i was quite unhappy but still loved being a father, now she is almost a year old and is a little sassy character and walking, im loving it!

So yeah i struggled at first adjusting to being a father, but i wouldnt change it for thr world!

Thanks @Bookriddle

I hope he talks to some other fathers at some point.

I get parenting isn't easy, I just have this deep rooted feelings he likes how it makes him look, that he's ticked the dad box, and now he needs to check whatever the next box is.

Can I ask about the performance he puts on for his mum,are you saying when she’s around he’s active and hands on
When his mum is absent does he revert to not doing anything

I spent years....wasted years trying to solve my 2 ex husbands problems (shitty attitudes) OP.
I realised after 20 years with the last one that he would never change and would always be a miserable bastard never satisfied with anything.
Dont waste 20 years of your life trying to fix him and getting nothing back.

I really would try and get him to see the GP as men can get PND as well. I suffered from it and felt like your husband does. I was prescribed pills and therapy and it did work.

@SentientAndCognisant

Can I ask about the performance he puts on for his mum,are you saying when she’s around he’s active and hands on When his mum is absent does he revert to not doing anything

Pretty much. When his family are around he has her in the sling, changes nappies, pushes the buggy.

Rest of the time he's changed a nappy a few times when I was so wrecked that I couldn't function. But I can count those on one hand. Four.

Imagine if a new mum came out and said this? She'd be told to suck it up, 'you had a baby, this is what you have to deal with' or take herself to the docs to be checked for PND. But she would still have to parent regardless. Its what is expected of mums

They wouldn't actually, not even on AIBU. People completely understand the shock that having a baby involves. Women are worse off because they have to deal with the physical side too (I always think it's crazy that nature puts us through such an experience and then expects us to look after a vulnerable infant) but on the other hand they have the hormones to help.

Ok, so he purposefully choses what behaviour he exhibits. It’s a deliberate act
That’s actually quite appalling that he manipulate his image for someone else,to get kudos

In the early days both DH and I had the ‘What have we done? moment’ a couple of times but the positives far outweigh the negatives, I think that’s normal. What’s not normal or shouldn’t be is you having to do 95% of the childcare! He needs to pull his weight. This actually happened to an NCT friend of mine, her husband left, and now, almost a year and half on, he wants to go back.