To want to leave over DH saying he doesn't like being a father

[wineandwhining]

Just this, DH has been pretty snappy and short with me all week, so I pressed him to talk (he hates talking), and he tells me he's not really into being a father.

We have a three month old girl who is actually a pretty good baby. She sleeps through, rarely cries except when a bit windy, and I do 95% of the care for her.

Today he said this and then explained that he feels life is going to be a slog forever now, and that his life isn't his, and that mostly he fakes the happiness he shows. Honestly I wanted to hit him over the head.

He's been like this for years, he's never happy. He did have a drinking problem which I thought was the source of this but he's been sober for over a year and nothing has changed.

Does this change for new dads? I thought maybe it was paternal post natal depression but he doesn't think it is. He thinks its just him and this is what its like forever now.

I can't have my life be like this, and I worry for my DH.

Is it AIBU to leave?

I found becoming a parent really easy. My baby didn't sleep through etc, but honestly, it was a tin easier than my hectic baby life, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. The only shock to my system was that it didn't seem anywhere near as difficult as other people seemed to make out.

I have friends who found the same period of life, with a similar temperament baby, the hardest point in their lives.

It doesn't mean I was better at it, we just all find different things easy and difficult. Thankfully my husband felt very much the same as me, but it sounds like you guys just have different views on this, and that's ok. I can see why it's frustrating, but not everyone enjoys the baby stage, and we have to respect their different opinion, and that some people will find it a shock, others will take to it naturally.

@SentientAndCognisant

No one can ever anticipate how parenthood will affect them mentally & emotionally And especially in 1st year it’s a huge upheaval and common to feel ambivalent or not like the demands of being a new parent It is a slog, the demands are enormous

Why are you doing 95%? What’s he doing?

Because 5% is all he is prepared to do. He only Changes nappies when his parents visit so they can see he's involved.

Christ he’s a slacker, so he puts on a performance for his folks
Otherwise he’s lazy git. Leaving 95% to you
Ok so what happen when you tell him to do more?will he refuse?

I think any parent can feel this, having a child can be a huge shock, it’s not always as you expect it to be, I found it pretty hard. My kids are now teenagers and there are still days I dislike being a parent and times I wonder how my life would be if I decided not to have them (though I love them to bits). Your dd is only 3 months old, he’s probably still trying to adjust to being a dad? I would suggest to him that he spends more time with her, maybe do bath time when he gets in from work? Maybe he’s struggling to bond with her as he’s not doing much with her, he might need a gentle push.

He's capable of changing nappies. He just doesn't want to. Prince amongst men.

@Crawlbee

I'll be honest I felt a bit like this at 3 months, I loved my DS (and still do), but it felt relentless and like my life was ruined also. He can't help how he feels, how about supporting him rather than seeing it as some horrible comment?

This.

I had PND and I would cheerfully have walked out that door and never gone back. I thought my life was ruined.

I wouldn't leave him because he said this.

I would leave him because he does 5% of the care of his daughter.

Do many mums abdicate 95% of the responsibility while complaining? I've never met one. You get slack for the feelings, you don't get slack for being slack.

Admittedly I hadn’t got that far, Ofc that’s shit. The people who had been posting before me though also wouldn’t have read that and we’re still telling her to get rid.

Awwww. it's not 'fun' and it involved work.

Manchild arsehole.

Show-parenting for his parents, and dumping it all on you at all other times.

What a gem.

I couldn't live like that. Imagine how your small child will feel when they realise daddy hates spending time with them.

Is he suffering with depression? If this thread was the other way round, it would be full of support for the new mum.

Stop worrying about him for a minute, stop trying to sympathise with him and understand how he’s feeling. Stop and look at this relationship from your own point of view. What does being with him do for you? Are you happier with him than you would be apart? And I don’t mean the mythical him that you want him to be, I mean the real him that he has consistently shown you that he is for the last ten years.

This isn’t about the last three months. His failure to step up as a father is the straw that is breaking the camels back.

I wouldn’t blame you for one minute for leaving him, in fact it’s what I would do in your shoes. If he wants to be with you he can show it, fight for you and step up.

If he hates fatherhood while doing 5% of the work I can only imagine how intolerable he’d find being an actual 50% parent. I wouldn’t be able to look at him, OP, if I were in your position, never mind be in a romantic relationship with him. You need to love and respect your partner-he doesn’t sound like someone I would have an ounce of respect for.

@Thefaceofboe

Is he suffering with depression? If this thread was the other way round, it would be full of support for the new mum.

If he’d gone from a great partner to this in a short space of time then maybe. That’s not the case, it sounds like he’s always been miserable and dragging the OP down. Having a baby has just given him one more thing to complain about.

And sorry but if he’s with it enough to show off changing nappies to his parents, he’s not depressed. Selective parenting is manipulative and lazy not a sign of genuine depression which, shockingly, would still display itself regardless of who was in the room

Don’t have a second and use contraception!

YANBU

Is he suffering with depression? If this thread was the other way round, it would be full of support for the new mum.

A new mum who wasn't caring for her own child and didn't even change its nappies except to show off for visitors? You reckon? My hunch is we'd call such a mum neglectful, if not abusive.

Yes, the only reason he gets away with doing 5% is because the OP does 95%. If a mother did this, chances are the baby would be taken into care.

Many people do feel like this. There is something good about being able to be honest.

However at some point you just have to get on with it, and make the best of it. And even now you need support even if he doesn’t feel up to it. You can’t carry the whole load.

I had PND and I would cheerfully have walked out that door and never gone back. I thought my life was ruined.

But you didn't did you? Did you leave everything to your partner to do? All the childcare and housework?

The trouble is, so many men refuse to step up to their responsibilities. We see threads all the time from women who are living with these men. The OP is yet another one. It's far too easy for these men to just dump everything on their partners, because they know that their partner will not let their children suffer, by also refusing to do the work involved.

Anyway, OP has said he's always been like this, having the baby just gives him a new "reason" to act like this, and then he'll have people telling him that it is hard being a parent, and his wife should give him some slack.

I've only read your posts OP so I don't know if anyone else has suggested this but to me it sounds like he's been depressed since forever, and the drinking was just self-medicating.

I'm any case he needs to seek treatment - and even once/if he does it'll take a long time to treat a condition that's deep seated.

It boils down to -

o What do you want
o What do you need
o What can you tolerate

You don't have to make any decisions right now, but you can certainly give yourself permission to have a really good think about leaving every couple of months depending on whether or not he's made any effort to help himself, or bond with baby, or bond with you.

I guess you'll also need to think about whether or not he'd be any kind of father if you did leave, and how you'd cushion that for your child.

Either way, you're practically a single parent right now, so don't let fear of that muddy your thinking - you can cope alone because you already do.

I think you have to tell him you can’t live like this and if he is unwilling to seek help, either alone or as a couple, then you should separate. You could speak to Relate, you don’t have to go as a couple.

Dear god OP, I'd run and never look back.

As you say, a depressed parent will have a negative effect on the child. And on you! You're doing all the work anyway - you have nothing to lose from ditching him and everything to gain. He's dead weight. If he wasn't like this before my advice would be different but it seems this problem is nothing new. Perhaps he hoped a baby would "fix" his depression or be a euphoric, transformative experience, and the intensity and hard work has come as a shock - but either way I don't think you will be doing yourself, the baby or even him any favours by sticking around.

All parents feel overwhelmed when a baby is born, including dads, but if he has serious depression that he's not dealing with he will have a detrimental effect on your mental wellbeing and on the baby. Perhaps losing you will be the shock he needs to seek real professional help for his problems.

I think that some men don't get that much out of having a baby initially. When they are young the mum does inevitably take on the lion's share of the workload. It does sound like paternal depression, so he should see a Dr. He will probably bond with the baby more and get more out of their relationship when it's a toddler. Those early months are relentless. He does sound depressed so should seek help.

If he hates fatherhood while doing 5% of the work I can only imagine how intolerable he’d find being an actual 50% parent. I wouldn’t be able to look at him, OP, if I were in your position, never mind be in a romantic relationship with him. You need to love and respect your partner-he doesn’t sound like someone I would have an ounce of respect for.

Yep. Especially since he was like this before the baby came along, too. This isn't new. This is him.

So he gets the fun of a toddler while ducking out of the slog of sleepless nights and nappies. What an embarrassment he can only change a nappy when his mummy is there to give him a gold star.

To be honest I’d certainly not have enjoyed taking a baby out in a sling and walking rhe dog. I can see why he was a bit hacked off when he came back.

@SentientAndCognisant

Christ he’s a slacker, so he puts on a performance for his folks Otherwise he’s lazy git. Leaving 95% to you Ok so what happen when you tell him to do more?will he refuse?

He would say yes. Like he did when I asked him to sometimes take a well fed, napped and changed DD out in the sling. Then I guess I would get what I did today. Had a few wines now, which I shouldn't have done, because I reeeeallly suck at pretending anything after a Sav Blanc