To want to leave over DH saying he doesn't like being a father

[wineandwhining]

Just this, DH has been pretty snappy and short with me all week, so I pressed him to talk (he hates talking), and he tells me he's not really into being a father.

We have a three month old girl who is actually a pretty good baby. She sleeps through, rarely cries except when a bit windy, and I do 95% of the care for her.

Today he said this and then explained that he feels life is going to be a slog forever now, and that his life isn't his, and that mostly he fakes the happiness he shows. Honestly I wanted to hit him over the head.

He's been like this for years, he's never happy. He did have a drinking problem which I thought was the source of this but he's been sober for over a year and nothing has changed.

Does this change for new dads? I thought maybe it was paternal post natal depression but he doesn't think it is. He thinks its just him and this is what its like forever now.

I can't have my life be like this, and I worry for my DH.

Is it AIBU to leave?

That must have been hard to hear.
Can he talk to his Dad?
Is he feeling remote because you do 95%? Is he feeling unhelpful and it has turned inwards?
It is good that he has started talking. Perhaps he needs to talk to a professional. If he insists he doesn't need to, point out that bottling it all up hasn't worked either.
Any other things he could be worried about? Debt, job security, elderly parents?

@EatDessertFirst

Imagine if a new mum came out and said this? She'd be told to suck it up, 'you had a baby, this is what you have to deal with' or take herself to the docs to be checked for PND. But she would still have to parent regardless. Its what is expected of mums.

But poor menz get 'aww, bless it must be a hard adjustment' etc from some posters?!

OP, you don't need to cut him any more slack. You are doing 95% of the work. He needs to sort himself out and be a father or get lost. You'll probably find things easier on your own with your beautiful, much longed for daughter rather than having to prop up your DH as well.

This is absolutely not my experience of new mums posting about struggling with parenthood. I would say most posters are supportive and advise that having a new baby is hard work and that the new mum should take care of themselves. It is a hard adjustment for both parents when a baby comes along.

Jeez, that is so nasty I'd have no qualms about leaving.

How much has his life changed?

I'm a bit mardy today and can't be bothered to mince things so I'll just say this straight up. My dh is also not the greatest at 'general happiness'. When our 2nd was born (he's now 3) he didn't take to it well. He was quite rough with him on one occasion trying to get a vest on him late one night and when I pulled him up on it I thought for a brief moment that he might hit me. To his credit dh went to the doctor, did a 6wk course of cbt and on the doctors advice he started to take St John's wart tablets to manage low mood. It does make a difference, if he's run out then I can tell from his mood. Might be worth looking into as they just sell it in the chemist (usually marketed for pmt). We also found that dh can't cope wit sleep deprivation and this resulted in me doing most of the night shift with the kids for 5yrs, which considering how bad both our children have been at sleeping, is a serious business. Our nearly 6yo is only most learning to sleep. To be Frank I don't look at my dh the same way anymore and we'll see what happens when the children are older ie whether we grow together or apart.

Do you reckon he will leave?

If "he fakes the happiness he shows". Then he's depressed and he needs to see his GP. Insist on it.
Don't listen to it anymore. You've already endured his drinking. Did he get therapy to find out why he was drinking?
If not, then the original problems still exist. With antidepressants and therapy he could be a new person and be able to enjoy his life so much more.

What would worry me is if he's never happy, will he ever be if he doesn't get some kind of help? It sounds like the problem is bigger than just being a new parent. Adjusting to parenthood is difficult, but he obviously already had issues that haven't been dealt with.

We also found that dh can't cope wit sleep deprivation and this resulted in me doing most of the night shift with the kids for 5yrs

It’s funny how many men discover - just after having children - that they really need sleep and won’t be able to take part in the tiring overnight parenting tasks.

Women must just be a lot tougher than these weakling men.

@MrsTerryPratchett thanks for responding, I
Always love reading your responses to things on threads. Xx

I meant the paternal equivalent of PND.

He did seek help for drinking and over the years for various other bouts of depression but he says it doesn't help at all.

We have been together 10 years and I assumed it was his drinking that was the issue, now he's stopped its all still the same.

I get that he feels shocked and down about the baby, I feel that too. But my fear is that he's just depressed about everything and its going to be like this forever unless I make a choice.

If he feels parenthood is a slog, he is allowed to feel that. He might even be allowed to say so (once in a while).

But he still needs to pull his weight. We don't expect a woman to be absolved of her caring duties just because her heart isn't in it. He is a parent now.

If he feels too unwell and depressed to do that, then he needs to see a doctor. And I would say exactly the same to a woman: yes, this is tough but you are a parent now so you have to take responsibility for getting this sorted in any way you can.

Imagine if a new mum came out and said this? She'd be told to suck it up, 'you had a baby, this is what you have to deal with' or take herself to the docs to be checked for PND. But she would still have to parent regardless. Its what is expected of mums.

On the contrary, she would get a fuckton of sympathy, lots of virtual hugs and cups of tea, told to be kind to herself and to ask her partner for help so she can have a break.

Men are allowed to find parenting hard too.

Three months in is still very early. Hopefully his feelings will change over time. We have a DD who is almost 18 mths and she's also a very good sleeper but I've still thought to myself a few times what have I done, about how my life used to be, so carefree and basically no responsibility but then even on the days when she's being difficult or crying I could never go back to not having her. I think the older they get the more of a life you get back

I'd tell him to fuck off back to his mum then if he isn't happy, but thats just me.

He needs to pull his weight in the house and also get some help for potential depression.

I can't believe some of the responses on her though and am very glad when I had PND that my DH didn't consider me a waste of oxygen and that he shouldn't have to 'prop' me up.

The ‘what if the sexes were reversed’ comments are so, so tiresome. There is a world of a difference between a woman who’s just had a baby and a man who’s just had a baby. Of course the advice is different.

I’d say it’s worth him having a chat with his gp. He’s also never going to see the baby as anything other than a burden if he only does 5% of the parenting. What about making bath/story time his responsibility? Or half an hour after work when he takes the baby for a walk?

We also found that dh can't cope wit sleep deprivation and this resulted in me doing most of the night shift with the kids for 5yrs

Nor can my DH but he just gets on with it when needed, just like I do. We base whose following day is the most important as a general rule for who deals with any wake ups and will often allow each other a lie in to catch up where required. I’m not surprised it’s changed how you see your DH.

I don't really like being a mother, if I'm honest. Endless frigging noise and mess. I can see how there's not much in it for men at three months, all the bonding is yours and the baby doesn't do anything interesting. Maybe try to look at the situation from his point of view, although I must say that level of antipathy is a bit worrying.

He's been like this for years, he's never happy. He did have a drinking problem which I thought was the source of this but he's been sober for over a year and nothing has changed

Then he will drag you and your beautiful DD down with him.

If he is a depressive it isn't his fault - but depression can be learned behaviour - it will rub off on your child, and you will also feel constantly disheartened when nothing you ever say or do can make him feel better.

You will never know whether he is just feigning joy at what most people would regard as wonderful things, or whether he truly is pleased with her first step, word, tooth etc.

Being a parent is hard work - it's not for cissies - but the most important person here is your child. It is very hard living with a depressed parent.

Has he had any treatment/ therapy for his low mood? Would he be prepared to seek help? If not, you may have to seriously consider leaving, if that is what is best for her - and for you, because this all slowly destroy you, too.

All very well but if a woman isnt coping she still has to look after the baby. When men cant cope they just sit back and do fuck all but moan. I didn't enjoy being a mum when my son was under two. I felt my life was over but nonetheless I had made the little chap and felt a huge responsibility to look after him and bring him up well which I did. There was no choice. Opting out is not an option when you are a parent.
If he wants to opt out he may as well go. Neither of you need him.
I am convinced most men dont want their lives disrupted with children.

vanillandhoney, she'd get a fuckton of sympathy on the assumption that she carried on doing her share of the work

told … to ask her partner for help so she can have a break probably works out as a slightly different labour division to "trying to get out of the 5% of childcare they are currently doing^

How MN would deal with a mother who admitted to just not looking after her baby (unless ill enough to actually be hospitalised) I couldn't tell because it's not a scenario I've ever seen on here. The number of women otoh who get told that they need to be patient with their men because they need time to adjust to fatherhood and they might not find the baby very interesting in the first year or so...

@Pumperthepumper and to the other questions about him putting in more work. I would LOVE that, really.

In fact I asked him if he wanted to do more like bath time etc, and he said he didn't want to and didn't like the idea of it.

I have probably had three hours total away from my baby since she was born. In fact I asked him to take her out this morning in the sling, when he walked our dog, and he came back and made these very comments. Usually his dog walks are two hours long, this one was 45 minutes.

To be totally honest I wouldn't have a problem with him and I breaking up, mostly because I grew up with a parent with untreated depression and I know the number it did on me. I don't want my daughter to have the same experience.

Thanks for being so nice, OP!

He did seek help for drinking and over the years for various other bouts of depression but he says it doesn't help at all.

The problem is that it is entirely possible to be selfish AND depressed. And I've seen it in my family. Man did absolutely nothing with the house or kids. When his wife eventually left him he found another unsuspecting woman to do his housework. The teenagers (now) like him because he's an easy going dad, while mum did all the work. Interestingly, the mum I know with much more pervasive depression, does most of the child and house-work.

I would make sure he knows to fake it until you make it if he doesn't want to seek other help. Parenting is something you DO every day, him included. The joy comes later.

There is a world of a difference between a woman who’s just had a baby and a man who’s just had a baby.

Of course there is. The man is unlikely to have heavy scarring in his nether regions making it difficult to walk or sit. He is unlikely to have lost any blood and will not be leaking from his nipples.

As for nappy-changing and the rest of it, you don't have to feel a particular way to do it: it's a job, a duty. He can jolly well get on with it, like people get on with taking the bins out and paying their bills.

Millions of women struggle to bond with their babies in the early week: very few babies suffer actual physical neglect. It's because at least one parent is doing their duty.

Please be kind to him, it might be PND. The first 3 months is a really tough time.

It takes a long time for the brain to adapt to not being fed alcohol all the time. It also takes a long time for people to get out the mindset that led to drink being the way they anaesthetised themselves/made them feel different. A dry drunk is still self pitying, miserable and a total emotional drain - in addition, they're probably more miserable because they know it's not acceptable for them to go and have a drink or ten.

However, I'd also say that newborns aren't as delightful for everybody. I only really came into my own once the kids were little people, rather than the newborn stage. For me, this was toddlers and above (as for some reason, I rather enjoy having someone who argues back and asks constant questions), for a lot of people, it's around the nine months stage.

He needs to suck it up and get through it until he can develop a proper relationship with his child. Which means stopping saying 'Oh, nothing will work', getting over himself and going for therapy whilst actually involving himself in his child's life.

Or he fucks off and starts drinking again in a shitty bedsit, rather than the comfortable home you have.

You have the choice. I wouldn't blame you at all if you told him to fuck off, though. You've put up with enough of his shit for years, you have no obligation to handhold him or tiptoe around his self pity and little black raincloud.