To want to leave over DH saying he doesn't like being a father

[wineandwhining]

Just this, DH has been pretty snappy and short with me all week, so I pressed him to talk (he hates talking), and he tells me he's not really into being a father.

We have a three month old girl who is actually a pretty good baby. She sleeps through, rarely cries except when a bit windy, and I do 95% of the care for her.

Today he said this and then explained that he feels life is going to be a slog forever now, and that his life isn't his, and that mostly he fakes the happiness he shows. Honestly I wanted to hit him over the head.

He's been like this for years, he's never happy. He did have a drinking problem which I thought was the source of this but he's been sober for over a year and nothing has changed.

Does this change for new dads? I thought maybe it was paternal post natal depression but he doesn't think it is. He thinks its just him and this is what its like forever now.

I can't have my life be like this, and I worry for my DH.

Is it AIBU to leave?

Totally understand how he feels. Lots of people regret having kids. Not many are honest about it.

He is not unreasonable for feeling that way. Parenting is a slog and it is a massive life adjustment. However, this is the life he chose so he is unreasonable for not getting on with it and expecting you to pick up his slack.
I'd be having words with him and, yes, if he doesn't start becoming a father and performing the role and duties that entails, then leave him.

@blue25 I agree... I think its important to be honest, but then what? Obviously now he's said it something should be done or agreed upon. I feel pretty lost :(

@wineandwhining

She is an IVF baby so I thought we both really wanted her.

Oh @wineandwhining I really feel for you. Two couples we knew were red hot about wanting child/ren, did all the IVF stuff...It worked, Baby no 1, followed fast by baby no 2, and then..

BOOM.
Men decide they don't like being dads.

They were caught up in the whirl of ''Wanting'', then the 'having' wasn't what they wanted after all.

All that effort and £, you'd think the children would have been really wanted- but no.
''I miss my old life'' ''We no longer have fun'' ''The sex has stopped''

Tiny violin territory, but not fair on the family unit.

Men decide they don't like being dads.

Some women feel like that too, but society isnt as accepting of a mother admitting that.

@blue25

Totally understand how he feels. Lots of people regret having kids. Not many are honest about it.

There was an eye opening site online for men, and it was full of men loathing having children.-especially babies- They said they felt no love whatsoever, called them horrid names, said the fun stopped, that their wives /partners had changed, that they were coerced into having a baby &c&c. I can't find it now, but it was full of men who just wanted out.

A health visitor said she thinks men ''Don't really like babies/small children much''.

A lot of men are 'children', I think...and being a parent means putting another first...and they don't like this.

@Crawlbee no but maybe society should be more accepting of mothers finding it hard.

In fact, i would go as far as saying that I don't like parenting. It's a slog and I often want my life back. But i love DS and I love our relationship so I carry on. However, everything that comes with parenting: sleepless nights, never having time for yourself, life changing decisions all in the name of a tiny little person etc....yeah thats hard.

So OP maybe ones your little one is a bit older and your DH can develop a bit more of a relationship with her - he will start to find it a bit easier.

Gosh
He is not BU to feel Depressed
But you are certainly not BU to want a happier future and companion

So maybe it’s time to do some planning first , ie work out what logistics could be

Then have a sit down

@Crawlbee

Men decide they don't like being dads.

Some women feel like that too, but society isnt as accepting of a mother admitting that.

No...It is a taboo. Not if they they say it before having kid/s, it isn't...But having a baby and then loathing it is still pretty taboo.

It must be hard if a baby is 'hard to love'..Some are just miserable, and there was a you tube mother who had a kid that never let up grizzling and whining- and the poor mother was beside herself- That would send anyone into a downward spiral.

Today he said this and then explained that he feels life is going to be a slog forever now, and that his life isn't his, and that mostly he fakes the happiness he shows

Imagine in the voice of Bruce Willis “welcome to the party pal”.

I find parenthood hard too
But I can’t give up
Even though my 13 year old
Had
Many traits like his sexist abusive twat father

IHmmmm.

It is true that the first few months of parenthood are a huge shock and he wouldn't be unreasonable to be struggling with it. And its totally reasonable for him to express to you that he's struggling with it.

But saying hes "not really into being a father" is bleak, defeatist and fairly offensive. And it implies that he's preparing to basically renege on the "being a father" part of the bargain.

If it was a one-off, throwaway line it would be forgiveable. But as part of a pattern of behaviour in which you are doing the vast majority of the childcare/night wakings etc and he's being grumpy and miserable I think you have to consider that he may not be up to it for the long haul.

It suggests at best that he is detaching himself. This may settle down over time as it gets easier and as he gets more confident as a father. But the language he's chosen to use here and his general approach to life doesn't bode particularly well.

I wouldn't make any sudden decisions now. I'd perhaps say you understand how tough it is, you're hear for him to talk to and you'll support him getting help - and maybe actively encourage him to get professional help.

That said, he has to understand that he needs to pull his weight and he can't use "not being into being a father" as a get out of jail free card to allow him to detach from domestic duties or support for you as a partner. And he can't continue to use language like that on a regular basis.

I'd give it another 3-6 months after this. But I think if his attitude hasn't turned around there's a limit to the amount of indulgence you owe someone who's doing bugger all to help you anyway.

@cologne4711

Agree with pps that parenthood is a big shock. He'll probably get over it.

These are not normal times, either. Not an easy time to bring a child into the world.

Be kind to both of you and give it time.

If he is still like this in a year, rethink things.

This^

Agree you can't live with it and your DC shouldn't be raised with a moaning, bitter father. If he doesn't improve in a year (maybe see a counselor) then you have no choice.

@StamfordHill

How would leaving him help? Even if you feel he doesn't contribute at all to raising the child - something which in all probability will change - surely being a single mum won't be any easier.

Being a single mum is infinitely easier than dealing with a spoiled manchild who refuses to do anything to support you at home. Trust me on this.

Has he considered that life isn’t just about him anymore? He has decided to bring a life into the world and it’s now his responsibility. He has to deal with it and do what is best for his child.

Even if you feel he doesn't contribute at all to raising the child - something which in all probability will change - surely being a single mum won't be any easier.

If a husband or partner doesn't contribute to raising a baby, it is, indeed, much easier to be single. Bearing in mind the financial implications.
OP can focus on herself and the baby purely. She wouldn't have to worry about ,or carry the emotions of, the other adult.
No H around to add to the household workload, press her for sex or moan about the sleepless nights.

Don't leave him.
It's quite natural to have these feelings for both men and women and it's quite healthy of him to have articulated it.
You're meant to work through these things in a marriage.
Also he should get a hobby. Bit sexist, sorry, but that's what most men do and it makes them happy and I bet most of peps DH on here do the same. (All of my IRL mum friends have DH and they all have (very time consuming) hobbies, etc. e.g. golf, cycling, running club, motorcycles, renovation of properties, painting, rambling, pub quizzing, being in band, nightclasses....

I've been a single mum 18 years and it's blooming hard. Don't jump into it. Separate Christmas's, only seeing your baby every other weekend. The delight of his new young wife hating you for no reason...

I wasn't really that into being a mother when DS was three months old... Still had to change nappies, deal with night feeds, rock to sleep and all the care that comes with a young baby. Day in, bloody day out!

OP, I'd have a chat with him and ask why he's telling you this. If he's genuinely struggling and feels he has to express this, that's fine and maybe he needs some emotional support. If he's telling you to this to avoid stepping up and sharing the load, I'd tell him ok but you do realise this means the end of your relationship... Because your DC is here, you can't give them back and you need to be able to rely on him or he needs to leave...

@StamfordHill

How would leaving him help? Even if you feel he doesn't contribute at all to raising the child - something which in all probability will change - surely being a single mum won't be any easier.

One less person to do 95% of the housework for? For a start.

Boatonthehorizon

Sorry I totally disagree with this. Yes its hard being a single mum but its nowhere near as hard as being married to someone who moans all the time about his lost freedom without lifting a finger to help at home. Seriously. A non-supportive man is just an additional drain on the household and a drain on self-esteem.

Also I'm not sure your edict about finding hobbies is whats needed here. It doesn't sound like this man needs any more encouragement to indulge himself. He's already doing bugger all on the home front: having him going off cycling all day won't help the OP at all.

Yes you need to work through things like this in a marriage and yes its natural for the birth of a child to hit you like a ton of bricks. But this sounds like the DH is just being a big baby: whinging about how tired and stressed he is when the OP is doing all the heavy lifting. And nothing, in my view, justifies the language he has used with her.

I think you should take him at his word. Tell him he needs to leave. Don't contact him. Don't send him photos of the baby or tell him anything. Let him see what life is like without you and the baby. It might end well, it might not but either way you won't waste anymore time on this person.

We had three under five. We planned all of them. Would have liked more. It is hard. We are knackered all the time but they are so worth it. We have three amazing kids who are already making a difference in the world and we wouldn't have missed it for more sleep or spare cash.

Surely everyone knows kids are knackering and your life changes ?.

Lots of mothers struggle with adapting to the changes a baby brings as well as the changes in your relationship. It’s not unreasonable to cut him some slack while he adjusts to it too. I’d say it’s early days to make such a decision

Absolutely this, I can’t believe you’re getting LTB when many mums feel like this too!

@MellySandra

Lots of mothers struggle with adapting to the changes a baby brings as well as the changes in your relationship. It’s not unreasonable to cut him some slack while he adjusts to it too. I’d say it’s early days to make such a decision

Absolutely this, I can’t believe you’re getting LTB when many mums feel like this too!

Do many mums abdicate 95% of the responsibility while complaining? I've never met one. You get slack for the feelings, you don't get slack for being slack.

No one can ever anticipate how parenthood will affect them mentally & emotionally
And especially in 1st year it’s a huge upheaval and common to feel ambivalent or not like the demands of being a new parent

It is a slog, the demands are enormous

Why are you doing 95%? What’s he doing?