To want to leave over DH saying he doesn't like being a father

[wineandwhining]

Just this, DH has been pretty snappy and short with me all week, so I pressed him to talk (he hates talking), and he tells me he's not really into being a father.

We have a three month old girl who is actually a pretty good baby. She sleeps through, rarely cries except when a bit windy, and I do 95% of the care for her.

Today he said this and then explained that he feels life is going to be a slog forever now, and that his life isn't his, and that mostly he fakes the happiness he shows. Honestly I wanted to hit him over the head.

He's been like this for years, he's never happy. He did have a drinking problem which I thought was the source of this but he's been sober for over a year and nothing has changed.

Does this change for new dads? I thought maybe it was paternal post natal depression but he doesn't think it is. He thinks its just him and this is what its like forever now.

I can't have my life be like this, and I worry for my DH.

Is it AIBU to leave?

I think you are sensible to plan it out, talk to an immigration lawyer, talk to a divorce lawyer, and end this.

It's one thing being depressed but it's another thing entirely to refuse to seek help for it even when you have been told that your condition is having a disastrous effect on someone else and on your relationship.

He is in control here. He is choosing to be a burden to you just as he is choosing to put on an act for his mother.

I would like to know where he goes on his two hour jollies with the dog.

I think he already has one foot out the door with his talk of life being an endless slog, not his any more, etc.

Babies are boring IMO, and a massive tie. Toddlers are so much better. DP said he felt protective of our daughter when she was born and wanted to keep her safe, but he realised one day when she was about to turn 1 that he truly loves her. Now she’s coming up for 2 and it’s clear that he adores her beyond measure.

I’d personally wait a year and then make your decision, but in the meantime be getting yourself into a good as position as you can in case of the need to separate.

I’m a bit dubious about him having depression TBH. He might well, but when I have been depressed, which has been a lot, I couldn’t put on a show for anyone. I couldn’t turn on the charm or play act at all. The fact that he can and does do this suggests to me that he’s just an arse, pure and simple. Yeah parenting is hard with a new baby, but how hard is it when you’re just sitting on your arse watching somebody else do all the slog? I’m sure I’d have found the first year of motherhood much easier if some bugger else was doing everything.

It’s not his comments that would bother me, I would just see them as an extension of him being a miserable lazy git. Parenting is hard indeed. How hard is parenting when you’re doing hardly any of it? And he does 5%? Nah, I bet it’s nowhere near 5% unless his parents are round your house all the time.

If he was a true depressive he wouldn’t be able to put the mask on at will. He’s a lazy sod who wants to maintain his nice guy image while doing piss all to help while expecting the world owes him.

I’m a bit dubious about him having depression TBH. He might well, but when I have been depressed, which has been a lot, I couldn’t put on a show for anyone. I couldn’t turn on the charm or play act at all. The fact that he can and does do this suggests to me that he’s just an arse, pure and simple
When I had PND I felt I had to put a show on because other people would think I was a bad mum. It was exhausting and then later in the day I'd collapse in tears on my DH.

The OP's DH may or may not have depression, but some of the ideas about what depression does/doesn't look like on this thread are quite upsetting.

Yes, I agree with @LolaSmiles Depression doesn’t always manifest as huddled in a corner sobbing
People with depression (inc PND) can and do mask their symptoms and present a veneer of coping.

When I first qualified I worked along side a SHO,capable,funny,smart,diligent. And unbeknownst to us all, suffering from depression. We all missed it,didn’t see what was in front of us. He Killed himself.

He is jealous of your dd,if you are doing 95% of the childcare,he isn't bonding with her.perhaps involving him more will change his mind.

It’s fine and actually pretty normal to feel that way, but it’s behaviour that matters.

His behaviour massively needs to change!

You need time for yourself. He needs to be doing at least mornings at the weekend so you get a lie in, if not nightfeeds, and having the baby for chunks of hours in the day.

We had similar issues in our family when DD was born. My partner unlike yours pulled his weight in every other way - pretty much took over all cooking, cleaning, admin while I grappled increasingly on my own with the incredibly challenging CMPA never-sleeping very cranky newborn. In many ways I couldn't fault him - but it often seemed like he really resented and actively disliked her, which broke my heart as I loved her insanely and ALL I cared about was making her happy and keeping her safe. Him not loving her like I did was this colossal difference between us that drove a massive wedge. When I pushed him be said similar to your DH - that he wished we hadn't done it and if he knew what it would be like he wouldn't have. He would often have outbursts of anger at her behaviour, which seemed absolutely insane to me as she was a baby and couldn't possibly be held responsible. He also openly said that he felt pushed out because she was my main focus now instead of him. I still haven't really come back from that remark in some ways; I look past it so we can continue to have a relationship but it has stayed with me and made me realise that he has a very selfish streak.

It did improve as she improved, and now she's a happy, articulate and funny 3yo he adores her and is an absolutely equal parent. I'm having another baby because we both want that family now, but we've had some very hard words and both made some very big compromises so we can survive the baby phase in better shape than we did last time. And I am aware that if I get a tricky baby again I will not be able to rely on him supporting me the way I'd wish. I'm willing to take that hit because I want this baby so much. It helps I'm expecting it I think as the shock last time was that he could be like that. Also last time I had zero support network, it was just him - this time I'm surrounded by a village of strong, loving women who I know will be there for me when things get dicey.

It's not perfect. So no, YWNBU to leave him to it. The only practical q is if you think he'd try to stop you leaving for your home country with the baby.

Fwiw I think my DH has longstanding untreated depression and anxiety too. I have encouraged him to seek treatment and he won't. I eventually told him that the angry outbursts were a deal-breaker and if they ever happened again they would be through and he did consult a GP about strategies to control them in isolation. Seems to be working so far.

But the question is is what you DO get from this relationship worth all the extra care his (surmised) depression requires from you? My decision was ultimately yes. But you have to decide that for your own case in a pretty cold hearted way for the sake of your child. And watch out for your own mental health too; mine was in tatters after subjugating myself to his for years. Took medication and a lifestyle change to get me strong enough to right that balance again and prioritise myself.

You are doing 95% of the care and he comes out with that?! How infuriating & really a bit heartless. Crap he’s like that about other stuff too.
From what I’ve seen a lot of dads seem to be much better once the children are a bit bigger & can play and interact more. Hopefully he will fall into that sort of category & he horrified he ever said such a thing.

I felt like this at 3 months but I was doing the 95% if the childcare like you. I felt hopeless at the time but quickly felt better as she got easier but I don't think my husband felt his life had changed in the way mine had at that stage. Maybe it's temporary but you say he was like this before too.

I had a chat with DH, and he's said he'll do more when she is eating food? Lol... like thats all there is... right?

So he's planning on taking the next three months 'off'? And then, what? He'll feed her and that's it?

He's told you what kind of partner and father he plans on being. What do you want to do with that information?

Sadly I can't just up and leave.

On a spouse visa so my staying here is currently tethered to DH. However, can probably get a parent visa as DD is a UK citizen. Need to see a lawyer about it so I know the plan. Once I do that I'm going see a family lawyer.

Ideally I want to go to my home country but he will more than likely make that hard for me.

So we'll see.

Can you do your job/get an equally good one in your home country?

Definitely talk to a lawyer about this, but it might be better to leave sooner rather than later to avoid establishing habitual residence under the Hague Convention (which would mean the child could be returned against your wishes to the UK). Tbh though, if your DH only does 5% of the parenting, he's hardly likely to want to be a full-time single parent if you refused to return.

There's a certain type of man who will use immigration status to be shit. Sorry. Definitely talk to a lawyer.

When he's all hands-on with his family there, can you make a comment to his mum confidentially-style "shame he's not like this when you're NOT here to see"...... it would be so tempting to just shame him in front of them.

Or maybe ask his mum's advice about how to encourage him to be like that when she's not there?

As he's finding things so hard right now, I wonder whether it isn't the best time to make some sort of independent move with the baby so that you are just sent back to your home country. I have no idea of the implications of that, and it's almost certainly a really really bad idea.

Lawyer up & see what you CAN do re moving back home. You shouldn't have to spend your life here now he's changed his mind about wanting to be a Dad

If he makes it difficult, keep reminding him that HE doesn't WANT to be a Dad. You're giving him the freedom he wanted! Twat!

@Jux

When he's all hands-on with his family there, can you make a comment to his mum confidentially-style "shame he's not like this when you're NOT here to see"...... it would be so tempting to just shame him in front of them.

Or maybe ask his mum's advice about how to encourage him to be like that when she's not there?

As he's finding things so hard right now, I wonder whether it isn't the best time to make some sort of independent move with the baby so that you are just sent back to your home country. I have no idea of the implications of that, and it's almost certainly a really really bad idea.

I would say don't involve his mum. I made that mistake and she made sure I knew she was on his side. Because my ex saw that, he knew he could run to her to moan, which meant she became ever more entangled in something that wasn't her business. To this day, despite his rages, long term sick leave and weed smoking, she glosses over all that and points at me when things go wrong.

You really shouldn't throw yourself into single parenthood.

You are obviously also a bit depressed and blaming everything on him. This is quite usual. Please work on your marriage.

It will be far far worse as a single mum. No wine for a start. (You mentioned drinking wine upthread.)
I've been single mum 18yrs. It's horrible in many ways. Xmas is one of the worse bits, and his new young woman etc, also, single mum's shouldn't drink, SS will not like it. I've never had any SS but I've always been very sensible.
Other mum friends, however close, will exclude you.
No second adult.
No going out without kids, even to pop to shop.
Over the years despite your wage you will be significantly poorer than couples.
And the resentment all above causes.

Even on my recent holiday, 2020, I was repeatedly shamed for not having a man at dinner and because just being me and (well behaved kids) in the restaurant.

Sorry, slight derail, but why aren't single mums supposed to drink? All single mums or mums of newborns?

I know a couple of single mums of older dcs who drink. They've never had SS involved though.

Not a single mum, but a lot of the time I'm alone with DS as DH works away a lot. I don't tend to drink, but I would have a wine if I wanted. Sure, there's the risk that you will need to drive somewhere unexpectedly, but the chances are slim, and just the same as for someone who doesn't drive etc. As long as I don't get blindingly drunk then not sure what the issue really is? Definitely don't think it's a reason to stay with someone.

Men can get PND too? Is he alright?

Tbh I felt like this with a new baby

But even if you had a strict "no drinking when you're in the house alone with dcs" policy, which would be fair enough, most people have a drink when they're at parties or gatherings don't they? I suppose though, that they then would probably be alone overnight with dcs. But then, isn't that just the same as couples sharing a bottle of wine in front of a movie of a Saturday night? What has being single got to do with it? Not trying to be goady or confrontational btw. I just genuinely don't get this.