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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL forgot DCs gender

225 replies

SqidgeBum · 25/08/2020 12:10

This may be my hormones getting to my head, so I need some straight opinions. I am 30 weeks pregnant with DC2. At 20 weeks, during lockdown, we had a gender reveal on video chat to my family and DHs family. Since then I have seen my MIL basically every week as we visit a lot.

Last night, on a family group chat, my SIL told us a friend of hers has found out they are having a boy. My MIL went on to ask me 'do you know what you are having yet?'. She genuinely completely forgot that we had a gender reveal, or even what gender our baby is, her own grandchild. She only has two grandkids. This is her third. She is in her 50s, so not old or senile. She has no problem remembering anything else. She literally just forget we ever said what gender our baby is.

When I thought about it, she never asks about me or the baby. She doesnt know when my due date is. When I had the 20 week scan she never asked how it went. She hasn't had a conversation with me about this baby at all except to make snide comments about us living so far away and me not 'including' her ..... we live 40 mins away. She comes and wants me to make her a cup of tea and then she naps on my couch.

I dont know what's worse; that she forget as she genuinely doesnt give a damn about this baby, or she has some medical reason for forgetting which none of us have ever copped before. DH is ignoring it. He doesnt seem too bothered. They are not a family who communicate well so this will just never be mentioned again. I still dont even know if she now remembers the gender as I just stopped messaging.

AIBU to be either angry at her or concerned about her memory (mostly angry admittedly)? Is DH right to think this is nothing?

OP posts:
Findahouse21 · 25/08/2020 12:13

When dd was born, both dh and I kept calling her 'he'. We'd known since 20 weeks pregnant. I don't think it's something to get angry over, to lots of people gender doesn't actually make much difference so not huge news to them. Pous your baby won't be the centre of everyone's thoughts, unlike yours

riotlady · 25/08/2020 12:14

I wouldn’t worry about it, people can have memory lapses without being either uncaring or unwell. Once I took my sister to McDonald’s and got her a happy meal and the man behind the counter asked me whether it was for a boy or a girl (for the toy- don’t think they’d get away with that anymore!) and I actually had to LOOK at her before I answered. I’m fine and I love my sister a lot, I just had a blank moment. It happens!

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 25/08/2020 12:14

No one else cases about the sex of your baby, I'm sure she'll be interested when she has a grandchild to look at, engage with etc

DancingCatGif · 25/08/2020 12:15

I wouldn't worry about it

CodenameVillanelle · 25/08/2020 12:16

Gender reveal 🤮
Maybe she blocked it out from cringe
She'll love the baby when it's here I'm sure - don't overreact

Soontobe60 · 25/08/2020 12:17

Your mil is if an age when she may be struggling with menopausal symptoms, which include forgetfulness and fatigue.
Oh, and babies don’t have a gender, it’s SEX.

FancyARoot · 25/08/2020 12:17

Thing is, big ‘gender reveals’ are enormous for the parents......not so much everyone else. Sorry.

I’m sure she will love the baby when he/she comes along, and I would really advise NOT being arsey over this.

FlySheMust · 25/08/2020 12:18

So unreasonable.

seayork2020 · 25/08/2020 12:19

A baby is a baby and you may know the sex but not the gender, this will not mean much to anyone but you.

Surely a healthy baby and safe delivery is more important than what colour clothes to buy?

SqidgeBum · 25/08/2020 12:21

Ok. I actually feel a bit better that others think it's not big deal. My DH could brush off anything and say it's no big deal, so I just needed other opinions.

I know my baby is important to me and not other people, but I guess I saw it as her sort of brushing us to one side. We have had problems with her saying things about DD1 such as DHs nephew is her favourite and she wants to swap DD for other babies as they are 'less moany'. I have had to try very hard to include her in DDs life. She doesnt make much of an effort. I then blew this up as her not making any effort with DC2 either. I havent been very good at keeping rational lately. Thanks for the honest opinions

OP posts:
Aweebawbee · 25/08/2020 12:21

I could easily have done that, especially if I had a lot on. It's probably a good sign that she is not over-invested in your lives as that can be an even bigger problem in the long run.

bibliomania · 25/08/2020 12:23

Sorry, I think you are being irrationally angry. I know I kept blanking on my baby's name for the first week. This is definitely one to let go.

SqidgeBum · 25/08/2020 12:23

Btw we only had a reveal as we physically couldn't see anyone during lockdown. I hate them too. All we did was tell people on a video chat a group so everyone felt equal. There were no cringy gimmicks. It was just a moment of niceness as up to that point it had been pretty horrible.

OP posts:
Polnm · 25/08/2020 12:26

You had a gender reveal?

That is called giving birth.

hammeringinmyhead · 25/08/2020 12:28

I do this a lot - ask people a question during small talk when they have already previously told me the answer. But... only with things I wasn't really interested in in the first place. So I do think it probably is representative of your baby taking up zero headspace for her.

bibliomania · 25/08/2020 12:29

I can understand why you'd do a reveal under the circumstances. If you'd cracked open an egg and a host of blue butterflies had fluttered out, perhaps she might have remembered. Not getting at you, OP, I know how these things can feel bigger than they are.

timetest · 25/08/2020 12:31

I really wouldn’t worry about this.

UnaCorda · 25/08/2020 12:31

Why does it have to be a "gender reveal" complete with fanfare and drum roll? You told her the sex of the baby, that's all.

UnaCorda · 25/08/2020 12:32

(And actually, if I'm being really sniffy about it, the noun is "revelation", not "reveal"...)

Winterwoollies · 25/08/2020 12:33

Oh can everyone stop being snobby about the OP’s gender reveal. She just told people the sex of her baby over a video chat. Stop with the vomit faces and the judgy comments and try to focus on her question, she came for support not so you can make sanctimonious remarks to make her feel bad and you feel superior.

Pogmella · 25/08/2020 12:33

I had a private scan and was a bit Hmm that they were selling ‘gender cannons’ full of coloured confetti- then I realised no one wants to buy a sex cannon to let off in the house...

SqidgeBum · 25/08/2020 12:35

You are all a bit hung up about this 'reveal' arent you?

We said 'it's a girl!'. I bought a pink balloon. That was it. I found out I was pregnant the week before lockdown. I told my mother over Skype. I puked for 10 weeks solid while in lockdown with a toddler. I wanted one moment where this baby made me and others smile, not cry.

But ok, a reveal is cringy. I get it. Can we move away from that now?

OP posts:
Starbuggy · 25/08/2020 12:35

YABU

Nobody cares about the sex of your unborn child except you and your partner/husband. Having a big reveal is cringey but thats your choice which doesn’t hurt anyone. If MIL can’t remember the baby’s sex when it’s born that’s different but give her a break.

Pogmella · 25/08/2020 12:36

@UnaCorda while you’re grammatically correct everyone knows that a gender reveal party is- a Sex Revelation Party would probably have quite a few declines invites and some embarrassed/disappointed attendees

ShouldWeChangeTheBulb · 25/08/2020 12:36

YABU for not doing a cheesy gimmicky gender reveal, where’s the fun in that? I bet she’d remember if you had.

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