MIL forgot DCs gender

[SqidgeBum]

This may be my hormones getting to my head, so I need some straight opinions. I am 30 weeks pregnant with DC2. At 20 weeks, during lockdown, we had a gender reveal on video chat to my family and DHs family. Since then I have seen my MIL basically every week as we visit a lot.

Last night, on a family group chat, my SIL told us a friend of hers has found out they are having a boy. My MIL went on to ask me 'do you know what you are having yet?'. She genuinely completely forgot that we had a gender reveal, or even what gender our baby is, her own grandchild. She only has two grandkids. This is her third. She is in her 50s, so not old or senile. She has no problem remembering anything else. She literally just forget we ever said what gender our baby is.

When I thought about it, she never asks about me or the baby. She doesnt know when my due date is. When I had the 20 week scan she never asked how it went. She hasn't had a conversation with me about this baby at all except to make snide comments about us living so far away and me not 'including' her ..... we live 40 mins away. She comes and wants me to make her a cup of tea and then she naps on my couch.

I dont know what's worse; that she forget as she genuinely doesnt give a damn about this baby, or she has some medical reason for forgetting which none of us have ever copped before. DH is ignoring it. He doesnt seem too bothered. They are not a family who communicate well so this will just never be mentioned again. I still dont even know if she now remembers the gender as I just stopped messaging.

AIBU to be either angry at her or concerned about her memory (mostly angry admittedly)? Is DH right to think this is nothing?

Maybe she's confused by the word gender. There are hundreds of them I believe.

So now I want to know whether you are having a boy or a girl.

I would be more concerned about her comments about your DD and wouldn't be trying too hard to include her in your little girl's life if she is going to be so negative about her.

It could be menopause - the driving to you (40 minutes) and then sleeping on your settee for the remainder of the visit, may also be a symptom. She may be finding life hard going at the moment.

However, do keep an eye on her memory. The signs can start early - my mum's dementia was diagnosed at 65, but once we had the diagnosis, I realised that she had had clear memory blocks for 10 or 15 years before that. We had just put it down to random dippiness, and it probably wouldn't have been treated even if we had realised, as it was mild and random, but it was the beginning of something serious.

I wonder if she'd nipped out of the video chat at that point for a wee or to put the kettle on or to let the cat in?

Your mil is if an age when she may be struggling with menopausal symptoms, which include forgetfulness and fatigue.
Oh, and babies don’t have a gender, it’s SEX

This 🌺

Gender reveal, it was much more exciting back in the day, when it was a lovelly surprise.

I wouldn’t worry about it - as others have said your baby’s gender isn’t that important to others when it’s not yet born yet ! I would be more worried if she does so once she’s met the baby! (I mean this kindly as someone who is 37 weeks pregnant !)

This is a bit PFB, and it’s actually your second.

No one cares but the parents. Seriously no one.

And yes it’s sex, not gender.

Right. I will leave you all now to berate how cringy gender reveals are. Apparently that's a sore spot.

Thank you to those of you who actually answered my question, rather than just poke at a hormonal pregnant woman who wanted one moment of niceness being pregnant during a pandemic.

Off I pop

Trust me, as lifespan increases memory plays tricks and that has absolutely nothing to do with senility or dementia. Menopause is a common starting point.

My most embarrassing menopausal example; I was introducing a lifelong friend but her name completely escaped me. Total blank. 20 years later, I have no problem remembering her name or the incident. Neither does she:-)

Mil had a memory glitch; let it go.

I actually think it's a bit odd for someone in their 50s to forget the sex of her imminent grandchild. In as much as the information was a bit contextless (ie online) rather than in the setting of a family gathering that would have given her more detail to remember, I think I would have concerns that there may be something medical there. Early dementia can be characterised (usually with retrospect by others) by coping quite well where there are situational anchors but not otherwise, which is why doctors ask patients to remember random stuff when they're trying to assess for it, and why people who seemed to be coping well in their own home go to pieces in a new environment. You say they're not a communicative family but imo someone needs to be watching out for other instances of this.

Just to add that I'm in my 50s and would be appalled at myself if I forgot something like this. I suspect many of the people on the thread saying it's no big deal are rather younger.

Unlike others here I would be concerned about early onset dementia. It sends red flag signals to me. My DM started to behave strangely and the blood vessels to her brain were clogged.

Nobody cares. It's not even here yet, calm down 🙄

As my nan says, the first grandchild is exciting but by the time you get to your third, it's all a but boring.

It is odd that she forgot though. It's not the kind of thing people forget, even if they are getting on. It's a bit like if she forgot you were pregnant. It's not something that you don't take in.

@SqidgeBum

Right. I will leave you all now to berate how cringy gender reveals are. Apparently that's a sore spot.

Thank you to those of you who actually answered my question, rather than just poke at a hormonal pregnant woman who wanted one moment of niceness being pregnant during a pandemic.

Off I pop

I am sending you an UnMumsnetty . You asked if you were being unreasonable about your MIL forgetting, were told you were and accepted it graciously.

Gender reveals are not for everyone, but that is totally irrelevant here. In addition the posters having a snidey dig at you haven't read that it was more a "told people the sex of our baby via a pink balloon and a video chat". But even if it was all-singing-all-dancing - who cares.

And yes, MIL being in her 50s -and - despite being her grandchild - a not yet born baby she may not have registered the sex.

Ignore the snidey comments. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy - I hope it all goes much nicer than the early weeks.

Arf at all the suggestions that MIL has dementia

YABVU . cut her some slack...she is in her 50's so probably somewhere on the peri /menopause line, forgetfulness being a very common symptom. she falls asleep on your couch. ..tiredness another common symptom. In fact you just come across as me me me, sorry to say.

The forgetfulness could be menopause or just a blip. It could also be a sign of lack of interest. I wouldn't be rushing her to the doctor just yet.

I agree with you OP. She's this babies grandmother so you'd think she'd be interested enough to remember. I think you have reason to be concerned: either she completely forgot, which would be quite a red flag, or she's playing games with you. You know your relationship with her, but based on her comments about your nephew and DD I'd suspect the latter.

She might have bigger things going on in her life than the gender (you mean sex) of your unborn baby. Be a bit kinder towards her and focus on your pregnancy and enjoy you baby.

Ours got the wrong gender and “it” after being born from family members. I wouldn’t worry.

"Niceness" should come from both the giver and the receiver. I think the constant MIL moans are not very nice. It really is not important if your MIL doesnt recall the sex of your impending baby. It only matters that she loves it.