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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL forgot DCs gender

225 replies

SqidgeBum · 25/08/2020 12:10

This may be my hormones getting to my head, so I need some straight opinions. I am 30 weeks pregnant with DC2. At 20 weeks, during lockdown, we had a gender reveal on video chat to my family and DHs family. Since then I have seen my MIL basically every week as we visit a lot.

Last night, on a family group chat, my SIL told us a friend of hers has found out they are having a boy. My MIL went on to ask me 'do you know what you are having yet?'. She genuinely completely forgot that we had a gender reveal, or even what gender our baby is, her own grandchild. She only has two grandkids. This is her third. She is in her 50s, so not old or senile. She has no problem remembering anything else. She literally just forget we ever said what gender our baby is.

When I thought about it, she never asks about me or the baby. She doesnt know when my due date is. When I had the 20 week scan she never asked how it went. She hasn't had a conversation with me about this baby at all except to make snide comments about us living so far away and me not 'including' her ..... we live 40 mins away. She comes and wants me to make her a cup of tea and then she naps on my couch.

I dont know what's worse; that she forget as she genuinely doesnt give a damn about this baby, or she has some medical reason for forgetting which none of us have ever copped before. DH is ignoring it. He doesnt seem too bothered. They are not a family who communicate well so this will just never be mentioned again. I still dont even know if she now remembers the gender as I just stopped messaging.

AIBU to be either angry at her or concerned about her memory (mostly angry admittedly)? Is DH right to think this is nothing?

OP posts:
LookToTreblesGoingTreblesGone · 25/08/2020 12:57

Your MIL could be me in certain ways. Not only has the menopause scrambled my brain power and memory but fibromyalgia symptoms keep making me nod off, and for good measure make my powers of concentration non existent.
She might have more going on with her health than you know about.
I'd hope that I'd remember the sex of a forthcoming grandchild, but there's no guarantees!

hammeringinmyhead · 25/08/2020 12:57

@UnaCorda

(And actually, if I'm being really sniffy about it, the noun is "revelation", not "reveal"...)
If you're being sniffy about it?!
MoreListeningLessChatting · 25/08/2020 12:58

Gender reveal

YABVVVVVU for having a gender reveal anyway... IMO doh!

ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 25/08/2020 12:58

@derxa

Arf at all the suggestions that MIL has dementia
You can arf all you like @derxa but it's a very real consideration, as anyone who has seen these sorts of red flags in a family member's behaviour will attest. There is also a statistically significant link between daytime napping in the over 50s and early onset dementia (OP mentioned MIL naps on her sofa, which is also odd imo). But hey, if you'd rather find it funny... Hmm
CandleWick4 · 25/08/2020 12:58

MN is a truly horrible place sometimes and really makes me feel sad that people can be so cruel and so harsh to someone asking for help.
OP told her family over video chat she was having a girl and got a pink balloon. Why are people spitting bile about her?
OP I know you’ve come off the thread but congrats on your baby girl and I hope you feel better and sort things with your MIL.

NYMM · 25/08/2020 12:58

Nothing to comment on really other than to wish you and your new baby (boy or girl) all the very best Flowers
Being pregnant through all this scary period can't have been easy.
Take care of yourself and those you love.

Nothing else matters

ASmallMovie · 25/08/2020 12:58

The 20-week scan reveals the SEX of your baby not its gender.

Thack · 25/08/2020 12:59

@Pogmella

I had a private scan and was a bit Hmm that they were selling ‘gender cannons’ full of coloured confetti- then I realised no one wants to buy a sex cannon to let off in the house...
@Pogmella Sex cannon and Sex revelation patty both made me LOL!!! Bravo!
longcoffee · 25/08/2020 12:59

I disagree that nobody cares about the sex except the parents. DH and I know what we are having, but aren't sharing the information (it was VERY obvious on the scan).

My parents and DSDs are furious. They are all nagging us to tell them, and my mother has flounced numerous times that it's 'so unfair' that we won't tell her 🤷🏻‍♀️

MoreListeningLessChatting · 25/08/2020 13:00

Apt

'Are you seriously saying that the only moment of “ niceness “ during your entire pregnancy is when you let off a pink balloon?

If so, you need to see a counsellor. Or grow up.'

Ahorsecalledseptember · 25/08/2020 13:03

@MoreListeningLessChatting

Apt

'Are you seriously saying that the only moment of “ niceness “ during your entire pregnancy is when you let off a pink balloon?

If so, you need to see a counsellor. Or grow up.'

Er pregnancy isn’t nice, for some of us, you know.
upsidedownwavylegs · 25/08/2020 13:04

@ConstantlySeekingHappiness

This is a bit PFB, and it’s actually your second.

No one cares but the parents. Seriously no one.

And yes it’s sex, not gender.

Give over, what a horrible thing to say and I doubt you really believe that or would say it to a pregnant woman stood in front of you. Of course most grandparents care.
Thisismytimetoshine · 25/08/2020 13:05

@longcoffee

I disagree that nobody cares about the sex except the parents. DH and I know what we are having, but aren't sharing the information (it was VERY obvious on the scan).

My parents and DSDs are furious. They are all nagging us to tell them, and my mother has flounced numerous times that it's 'so unfair' that we won't tell her 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ok, nobody cares; with vanishingly rare exceptions 🤷🏻‍♀️
Floralnomad · 25/08/2020 13:06

I don’t think it’s a big deal that she forgot but I don’t think it’s normal for a 50 something to visit and nap on your couch so perhaps there is something actually wrong with her .

hammeringinmyhead · 25/08/2020 13:07

Anyone else want to wade in and say "It's sex not gender" again? We've not had anyone mention how American and therefore terrible gender reveals are if anyone wants to throw that in?

Thisismytimetoshine · 25/08/2020 13:07

Something wrong with her?!

DianaT1969 · 25/08/2020 13:08

The last few months have been stressful for everyone. Even at the best of times we can have memory lapses. I'd forget this.

Beachbodylonggone · 25/08/2020 13:08

Yanbu to expect your mil to be more interested in your dc..
Yabu to allow her to loaf on your sofa.
Should it not be you napping op?
Stop having her round.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/08/2020 13:09

@SqidgeBum
"I know my baby is important to me and not other people, but I guess I saw it as her sort of brushing us to one side. We have had problems with her saying things about DD1 such as DHs nephew is her favourite and she wants to swap DD for other babies as they are 'less moany'. I have had to try very hard to include her in DDs life."

You know what? I was all prepared to say that you were over-reacting from your first post but then you dropped this in.
Under these circs I would now say YANBU.

What is the dynamic between your DH and his sibling in the family? Is the nephew his sister's or brother's child? And do you feel that their parents treat them unfairly - is one the "golden child"? (obviously not your DH)

If the other grandchild is to your DH's sister, then that's one tick for him being favourite (daughter's children often closer than son's children - not right but happens a lot)
If there is an unfairness between your DH and his sibling, regardless of whether it's a brother or sister, then that's a tick too, if the sibling is the "golden child".

If either of the above things (or both!) are the case then YAdefNBU, and your MIL is being horrible deliberately, and showing you that you, your DH and your DC are considerably less important to her than her other child's offspring.

Of course she might have just forgotten the sex of your DC2 - but it seems unlikely. It's a tiny, needle-dig to show you your position in her "favour" (not high).

And, as your DC2 is also a girl, it might be that she favours her grandSON. Maybe if you were having a boy this time, she might have been more interested.

Now a bunch of people might tell me that IABU for all these negative connotations I've put on your MIL's behaviour, but there are plenty of women out there who DO behave like this. SO many! We see the stories of them on AIBU, the relationships boards, "they took me to Stately Homes" threads etc. - so many parents who play favourites and set up these unhealthy dynamics.

I wouldn't bother making a fuss about your MIL's behaviour - if she can't help it, then a fuss won't achieve anything other than upsetting her, but if she's doing it deliberately then a fuss will a) delight her, knowing that she's got to you and b) create a massive storm which will upset everyone else too.

So let it go. But don't brush it off - wait and see what she's like when your DD2 is born, and then decide whether you want to expose your DDs to this sort of favouritism.

VestaTilley · 25/08/2020 13:10

Your baby doesn’t have a gender, it has a sex.

YABU.

Nanny0gg · 25/08/2020 13:10

@Starbuggy

YABU

Nobody cares about the sex of your unborn child except you and your partner/husband. Having a big reveal is cringey but thats your choice which doesn’t hurt anyone. If MIL can’t remember the baby’s sex when it’s born that’s different but give her a break.

Don't be so spiteful!

I wanted to know the sex of my DGC before they were born.

It also wasn't a 'big reveal' either if your read the OP's posts.

It was a lovely piece of news to share with their families.

hammeringinmyhead · 25/08/2020 13:11

@VestaTilley

Your baby doesn’t have a gender, it has a sex.

YABU.

I see someone did want to say it again. Any more for any more?
DancingCatGif · 25/08/2020 13:12

@hammeringinmyhead

It's sex not gender.

Are we at 30000 mentions yet??

Nanny0gg · 25/08/2020 13:12

STOP SAYING NO-ONE ELSE CARES!

I'm a grandparent and I cared!

Some of you really like to just pile in to be nasty don't you? It's not just disagreeing with the OP you have to bring them down too.

Tingalingle · 25/08/2020 13:12

She’s about my age. For our own babies, the sex scan was a bit hit and miss, not something you put much reliance on, so she may not have paid much attention to your ‘reveal’ at 20 weeks. Certainly I have a friend whose third child was confidently pronounced to be a girl, which would probably surprise him.

(Am I the only person who assumed your child had recently declared themselves transgender and your in-laws weren’t on board with the change?)

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