MIL forgot DCs gender

[SqidgeBum]

This may be my hormones getting to my head, so I need some straight opinions. I am 30 weeks pregnant with DC2. At 20 weeks, during lockdown, we had a gender reveal on video chat to my family and DHs family. Since then I have seen my MIL basically every week as we visit a lot.

Last night, on a family group chat, my SIL told us a friend of hers has found out they are having a boy. My MIL went on to ask me 'do you know what you are having yet?'. She genuinely completely forgot that we had a gender reveal, or even what gender our baby is, her own grandchild. She only has two grandkids. This is her third. She is in her 50s, so not old or senile. She has no problem remembering anything else. She literally just forget we ever said what gender our baby is.

When I thought about it, she never asks about me or the baby. She doesnt know when my due date is. When I had the 20 week scan she never asked how it went. She hasn't had a conversation with me about this baby at all except to make snide comments about us living so far away and me not 'including' her ..... we live 40 mins away. She comes and wants me to make her a cup of tea and then she naps on my couch.

I dont know what's worse; that she forget as she genuinely doesnt give a damn about this baby, or she has some medical reason for forgetting which none of us have ever copped before. DH is ignoring it. He doesnt seem too bothered. They are not a family who communicate well so this will just never be mentioned again. I still dont even know if she now remembers the gender as I just stopped messaging.

AIBU to be either angry at her or concerned about her memory (mostly angry admittedly)? Is DH right to think this is nothing?

@CandleWick4

MN is a truly horrible place sometimes and really makes me feel sad that people can be so cruel and so harsh to someone asking for help. OP told her family over video chat she was having a girl and got a pink balloon. Why are people spitting bile about her? OP I know you’ve come off the thread but congrats on your baby girl and I hope you feel better and sort things with your MIL.

This. What a load of unnecessarily nasty posts on this thread. Some people are vile, clearly getting a nice little kick out of being unnecessarily spiteful to strangers over the Internet. You’d have to be quite a miserable person to be so unkind for kicks. I can’t imagine going through a difficult pregnancy with a toddler in tow during lockdown and good on the Op for creating a nice moment with her family after such a crap time. She didn’t do some cringey big instagram-inspired dyed pink doves released from a box nonsense, she just virtually gathered her loved ones around to give them some nice news at the same time. My parents and in laws were of course excited to hear when we found out, any loving family would be.

Oh and for all those tutting about the good old days when it was a surprise at birth, guess what-its still a surprise at 20 weeks. One which for me, both times, gave me a lovely boost halfway through a long pregnancy and helped me plan ahead and connect with my unborn baby. I’d personally much rather find out in a calm way with my head in the moment rather than during the blood soaked carnage of birth when I couldn’t have told you my own name never mind appreciated what I was being told. Everyone is different, no one is being hurt, so how about people stop and think before posting such cruel bitchiness.

Wow, I can be a bit of a cunt at times but even I think mumsnet is becoming horribly nasty. What is wrong with some of you?

Oh and every time a friend or relative has told me what they’re having I have cared. Maybe not ‘losing sleep over it’ cared, but felt genuinely happy and excited for them and interested to know. How sad to go through life being the kind of miserable soul that genuinely doesn’t give a shit about what’s going on in the lives of your loved ones.

Some people do care, if any of my family were having a baby I’d be interested to know the sex.

I’d be less interested in attending a big cringe gender reveal party but that doesn’t sound like what the OP had.

I keep saying this but people really enjoy having a nasty old pile on- stop it.

Off I pop

Please don’t say that!

@ConquestEmpireHungerPlague

I actually think it's a bit odd for someone in their 50s to forget the sex of her imminent grandchild. In as much as the information was a bit contextless (ie online) rather than in the setting of a family gathering that would have given her more detail to remember, I think I would have concerns that there may be something medical there. Early dementia can be characterised (usually with retrospect by others) by coping quite well where there are situational anchors but not otherwise, which is why doctors ask patients to remember random stuff when they're trying to assess for it, and why people who seemed to be coping well in their own home go to pieces in a new environment. You say they're not a communicative family but imo someone needs to be watching out for other instances of this.

This.

I don't think you can necessarily discount the pre-cursor to dementia (mild cognitive impairment). In the early stages, changes in personality (you mention her making odd comments) are also often the first signs. As well as falling asleep on your sofa?

My mum had early-onset dementia (though with hindsight, wasn't diagnosed until quite a few years after the first symptoms started) Some of the first signs were forgetting random things, asking questions about things she already knew and becoming a lot more outspoken and inappropriate in what she said (the very first thing she said to my now MIL when they met for the first time was about how much pain she was in with a tooth and a long history of all her dentist trips).

YABU to be angry.

Well I’d be pissed off. How can she not remember? There’s only two choices not like there’s loads to remember.
Probably jealous of you ‘taking her son away’ she won’t be the first.

I agree with the menopause comments. I'm fully through it now, but was exhausted and forgetful during it. My memory is still bad, HRT has helped with other symptoms. She might be struggling and it's not like you can get a doctors appointment easily. It took me three attempts to get HRT. Although a few older celebrities have spoken out, it's still a subject which lack sympathy and support. I was Widowed, had two children with SN and workrd full time. I've never been as tired as I was during the menopause. I use the notes and calendar on my phone but I still forget whole conversations. If she's been isolated at all it will make things a bit strange. I haven't known what the day of the week is. I woke from a nap the other day in full on panic mode. I was that cat meme on fb.

However challenge her on her comments about your DD.

@Tlollj
"Well I’d be pissed off. How can she not remember?"

You know the saying 'baby brain' etc. Well meno hits you with a million more hormones. It's the equivalent of puberty.

I think the OP got her real question answered earlier on which was to just ignore her MIL's vagueness about the sex of her grandchild. MIL is below the age but perhaps not the style of person who would have wanted to know what sex babies were when scans became a major part of prenatal checks.

Of course if scans had been available pre 1900 she would have been waving a blue balloon for a girl because of the change in perception.

Earlier this year I was at the in-laws and they had friends (couple in late sixties) visiting who I'd never met before.

They have four grown up daughters and I think three GC, none were there. The woman said GC number four was on the way and also said that's it's hard to get excited and kind of shrugged her shoulders

I've always found that really odd, she was basically saying that's it's not something to get excited about but she'd literally just met me so I found it something a bit odd to tell a stranger or even anybody. Quite a hurtful comment esp if DD found out

I’m menopausal and everything is a Thingy these days. Baby would just be a Thingy rather than a boy or girl

If I become a grandmother I will want to know the baby and mother are safe and well and the pregnancy went ok for them. I will not care whether it is a boy or girl

Some of you really like to just pile in to be nasty don't you? It's not just disagreeing with the OP you have to bring them down too.

Yep. this place has got routinely nastier and nastier over the years. It's really quite hostile now, and so far away from being a support network for parents.

It is sex not gender though.

People have a lot on their minds these days you know, give her a break.

@Notverygrownup

I would be more concerned about her comments about your DD and wouldn't be trying too hard to include her in your little girl's life if she is going to be so negative about her.

It could be menopause - the driving to you (40 minutes) and then sleeping on your settee for the remainder of the visit, may also be a symptom. She may be finding life hard going at the moment.

However, do keep an eye on her memory. The signs can start early - my mum's dementia was diagnosed at 65, but once we had the diagnosis, I realised that she had had clear memory blocks for 10 or 15 years before that. We had just put it down to random dippiness, and it probably wouldn't have been treated even if we had realised, as it was mild and random, but it was the beginning of something serious.

Exactly the same with my mum, diagnosed at 64, but had had memory issues and personality changes since probably her early 50s. She had mainly been a SAHM, so my dad put her increasing inappropriateness down to that

I just don't get the "gender" reveal (by which I think they mean "sex")
I mean, how are people supposed to react?
A girl? Oh, how lovely.
A boy? Oh, how lovely.

I don’t think caring necessarily means you have a preference either way. It just means taking an interest in something that matters hugely to your loved ones and knowing a bit more about the previous baby that will become a much loved member of your family. Even if it was my 95th grandchild I would love it with every part of me

Precious, not precious!

Agggh precious not previous! Bloody auto correct!

Maybe she forgot as this is her t h i r d grandchild and not her first. Also maybe she blocked the memory because of the cringe 'gender reveal' party ...

Or maybe she just simply.... forgor!

How can you possibly know the gender of an unborn baby? I really do despair of the world. It's a sex scan. They're checking to see whether it's a boy or a girl.

Well, OP, would you be happy for the same standards of remembering things that you consider important to be applied to you by your MIL for the rest of your life, that would be to have no lapses irrespective of the (COVID and future disruptions and) circumstances for your DM's birthday, wedding anniversary, her parents' birthdays and anniversaries and dates of dying and so on.... This doesn't appear to be a pattern of passive aggressive forgetting, rather a lapse. You might want to have a little perspective.

Good luck with the birth.

[quote DancingCatGif]@hammeringinmyhead

It's sex not gender.

Are we at 30000 mentions yet??[/quote]
We've had 2 more now so yes, I think so!

Standard MN pile on.