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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel annoyed with OH re new baby

219 replies

Nicknamegoeshere · 13/08/2020 22:46

So my little one is 11 weeks. She's my third baby, OH's first. I am an Attachment Parent so bedshare, contact nap, breastfeed etc.

At 9 (ish) pm I settle my 10 year-old and then have about an hour of TV with my eldest (13) and baby still with me. After that my OH has the baby for about ten or so minutes while I brush my teeth/get ready for bed. He then goes for a walk as he's got back problems.

He is normally in bed by around 11-11.30pm and sleeps solidly until around 8.30am.

I am in bed for around 22.30 ish but with baby next to me and she will feed every four hours or so (as she should), waking up more early morning - 7.30 / 8 am ish when I get up with her. I recognise this is in fact really good for a young baby and get by with not really having much deep sleep. He has never got up in the night to attend to baby.

OH is now complaining that he doesn't ever get an early night.

AIBU to think he he stop complaining and in fact he does well out of the two of us?

OP posts:
SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 13/08/2020 22:49

Am I reading this right.. He gets 9 HOURS SLEEP and he's moaning

That can't be right..?

SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 13/08/2020 22:51

He could go for a walk before your eldest goes to bed, get back to hold the baby when you get ready, then go to bed the same time as you.

Sounds like he's looking for problems.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 13/08/2020 22:51

He's just had a back op so he says he has to have lots of recovery time and go to bed earlier. He's still not back at work. He says I hand him the baby a lot in the day.

OP posts:
Boom45 · 13/08/2020 22:52

Competitive tiredness is very annoying but gets nobody anywhere. I'm sure new dads are exhausted, generally (although not always obv) they're not as exhausted as new mums. I wanted to scream at my DH when he huffed and sighed about how tired he was after he'd been snoring next to me while I fed our baby for hours in the middle of the night. However, just because I was exhausted it didnt mean his tiredness didnt matter. I mean, I didnt do anything about it tbf but I did try to nod sympathetically rather than throw something at him....

SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 13/08/2020 22:54

@Nicknamegoeshere

He's just had a back op so he says he has to have lots of recovery time and go to bed earlier. He's still not back at work. He says I hand him the baby a lot in the day.
Then he can go to bed earlier, he just needs to work it out and stop moaning.

Even after a back op, 9 hours sleep is so much. I don't think I had more than 6 hours the whole time mine were preschoolers (and I've got my own back issues, but as a single parent I just have to crack on tbh).

Fair enough if he needs the recovery time, but this sounds like something else going on

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 13/08/2020 22:58

@SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing Totally agree. I think he's incredibly fortunate to get so much sleep, even from Day 1! He just takes it totally forgranted. Says he's worried about going back to work because he's not resting enough at home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 13/08/2020 23:12

I've suggested he could go up earlier and I could bring baby up later but he's not happy with that as he'd probably be woken up. So I suggested I sleep in a different room with I'm happy to do but again he doesn't want that. He wants me to be in bed for 10.30pm latest so he can go to sleep.

I have tried to explain that having a baby is bound to mean less sleep somewhere along the line but he doesn't really get it?

OP posts:
SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 13/08/2020 23:13

How long until he's completely healed?

I mean, I have all the sympathy for a back op, but has he forgotten that you've just had a baby

Quartz2208 · 13/08/2020 23:16

I am confused as to exactly what he does want

Winterwoollies · 13/08/2020 23:20

Well he sounds like a deluded waste of skin. Sorry if that’s a bit harsh but come on... he’s getting so much sleep. He needs to grow up.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 13/08/2020 23:25

I just don't think he realised exactly how much a baby will change your life, it's almost like he expects it to be how it was before we had her? And the thing is, she's such a content little baby, sooooo much more than my other two boys were. Not sure if it's to do with the fact he's an older dad??? But not that old (44) I don't think?

How can I make him see that life isn't ever going to be quite how it was before?

He says he isn't fully well yet which I totally understand, but as I've said, I still don't think he realises what being a new parent is really all about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 13/08/2020 23:26

@Winterwoollies He says he needs to rest more in the day and go to bed earlier so he can recover?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 13/08/2020 23:29

I think he's also possibly a bit pissed off because he asked the GP if he could have a phased return to work and the GP (quite rightly) said he'd have to have an assessment first. He's on half-pay and of course I'm on mat leave so money a huge issue as it is.

OP posts:
CoffeeNeeded2019 · 13/08/2020 23:29

He sounds like he’s being selfish and hasn’t had the reality hit of what new babies are like, your baby is very easy going by comparison, but he needs to suck it up and actively parent sometimes (sore back or not tbh in my opinion! )

CoffeeNeeded2019 · 13/08/2020 23:30

Picking up on your recent post , what stops him resting during the day?

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 13/08/2020 23:32

@CoffeeNeeded2019 How can I get him to see how fortunate he is re sleep etc? We don't know any parents with babies the same age and he won't listen when I tell him he's lucky to never be woken in the night! She is honestly such a chilled-out little thing!

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 13/08/2020 23:34

He sounds annoying. I don't understand why he has to go for a walk after you go to bed. Couldn't he go for a walk at any other time? If he needs sleep to recover, surely he can just go to bed earlier- you don't actually need him to hold the baby while you clean your teeth. He could actually take the baby out with him, or if he can't push a pram, get the 13 year old to do it.
If you need time to yourself, he could take the baby at a different time, maybe for a bit more than 10 mins so you get a proper break.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 13/08/2020 23:36

@CoffeeNeeded2019 He says he feels he has to help out with the boys and sometimes the baby. He liked it yesterday when I took her out for three hours because he could rest fully during this time apparently. So I said do you want me to go out more in the day? It is very difficult with all of the Covid measures still in place, not always being able to feed her anywhere, no loos/changing facilities etc...

OP posts:
SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 13/08/2020 23:37

Then why the fuck can't he just go to bed earlier?

He's making this your problem for some reason.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 13/08/2020 23:37

@DelphiniumBlue He does go for his walk after baby and I have gone up around 10ish pm, but he is saying that is too late.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 13/08/2020 23:38

@SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing Because his sleep will be disturbed when I bring baby up later, especially if she cries.

OP posts:
LovingLola · 13/08/2020 23:39

He liked it yesterday when I took her out for three hours because he could rest fully during this time apparently.
What a waste of space he is.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 13/08/2020 23:42

@LovingLola I feel like he just wants us out of the way so he can do nothing! I'm starting to feel pushed out of my own home.

OP posts:
SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 13/08/2020 23:42

At this age my eldest never really slept. He would wake every 90 mins or so, and then take an hour of changing/feeding/shushing .

As a toddler he thought 4am was party time.

At 6yo he still woke before 6am

Now he's a teenager, and only because of lockdown, is he sleeping as late as your newborn baby.

Mintychoc1 · 13/08/2020 23:43

I’m confused. Why does he have to go for a late night walk with the baby? And if you’re going to bed at 10.30, why can’t he go then? He’s shockingly lazy and is clearly milking this back operation. Pathetic.