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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

To feel annoyed with OH re new baby

219 replies

Nicknamegoeshere · 13/08/2020 22:46

So my little one is 11 weeks. She's my third baby, OH's first. I am an Attachment Parent so bedshare, contact nap, breastfeed etc.

At 9 (ish) pm I settle my 10 year-old and then have about an hour of TV with my eldest (13) and baby still with me. After that my OH has the baby for about ten or so minutes while I brush my teeth/get ready for bed. He then goes for a walk as he's got back problems.

He is normally in bed by around 11-11.30pm and sleeps solidly until around 8.30am.

I am in bed for around 22.30 ish but with baby next to me and she will feed every four hours or so (as she should), waking up more early morning - 7.30 / 8 am ish when I get up with her. I recognise this is in fact really good for a young baby and get by with not really having much deep sleep. He has never got up in the night to attend to baby.

OH is now complaining that he doesn't ever get an early night.

AIBU to think he he stop complaining and in fact he does well out of the two of us?

OP posts:

Original poster

Nicknamegoeshere · 14/08/2020 12:58

@AskingforaBaskin No. Perhaps you could explain then?

OP posts:

AskingforaBaskin · 14/08/2020 12:59

[quote Nicknamegoeshere]@AskingforaBaskin No. Perhaps you could explain then?[/quote]
I don't think that would be a good use of my time or energy.

Original poster

Nicknamegoeshere · 14/08/2020 13:00

@AskingforaBaskin Is there a difference in support expected from that of a husband vs a partner?!!

OP posts:

dottiedodah · 14/08/2020 13:03

Iborgia Telling OP that you dont know why she had a second baby/new relationship as she had trouble with her ex, is simplistic and unrealistic IMO.No ones situation is perfect but everyone deserves a second chance of happiness surely?OP is doing her best here!

MNHQ

HebeMumsnet · 14/08/2020 13:04

Afternoon, OP. We were just passing and spotted that you'd made a few posts that sounded like you were pretty low so we just thought we'd share a link to our mental health webguide.

Original poster

Nicknamegoeshere · 14/08/2020 13:07

@HebeMumsnet Thank you.

OP posts:

AskingforaBaskin · 14/08/2020 13:13

@dottiedodah

Have you read her other posts?

dottiedodah · 14/08/2020 13:33

AskingforaBaskin Sorry, missed the later posts! As a PP said here this is a rather confusing post TBH! Was unfamiliar with the backstory .However many people do have difficulties in their lives ,and will want to have further DC .I appreciate OP is in a less than perfect set up but there must be many other people in a similar boat .Otherwise her ex is dictating her future life surely?

Original poster

Nicknamegoeshere · 14/08/2020 14:06

@dottiedodah I torally agree - I can't let my ex dictate my future in any way, shape or form.

I've just had some happy news for once - just found out that (despite being such a "poor parent" as many posters are leading me to believe), my eldest has been accepted into a prestigious county band with his brass instrument ❤ So so so proud!

OP posts:

DotForShort · 14/08/2020 14:26

If I recall correctly, your sons spend half their time at their dad's house. So for two weeks each month, either you or your DP could sleep in one of their rooms. It's not a permanent or complete solution, but it could help in the short term. Presumably as your DP's health improves, he will step up to take care of the baby and also require less sleep than he needs now.

I think his health issues sound quite severe, so it isn't entirely an issue of a lazy man who refuses to accept that a baby requires constant care. However, I also recall some of your earlier threads that indicated some red flags as far as he is concerned. I think some consideration for him is warranted, but he needs to meet you halfway and show consideration for you too.

lborgia · 14/08/2020 14:41

Mm, Iunderstand not letting an exh dictate, but there is also a child (or 3) in this. It’s not just about what the OP wants. I”m actually astonished this is all annoying her so much. If having the baby has been water off a duck’s back, she’s not suffering. And yet she expects so much of her DP when he’s in a seriously awful state. He may well be a twat, but it’s been suggested that this is not a new state of affairs, so actually, she’s had another baby, with another twat, and now is dealing with both of them at the same time.

I’d be over me by now if it were me, but fortunately it isn’t. I would still be in pieces about the ex. I’m not known for my mental fortitude.

Original poster

Nicknamegoeshere · 14/08/2020 15:15

@lborgia If I allowed myself to "be in pieces about the ex" he would have succeeded in his ongoing attempt to break me.Then he would have the boys full time and their lives would be miserable. Like hell am I going to let that happen. It's incredibly hard, more so than most could ever imagine, but I am their mother and I will keep fighting for them until I draw my very last breath.

OP posts:

lborgia · 14/08/2020 15:33

Well that’s good then, because it indicates that you actually have no intention of harming yourself.

I’m off now. I was really Invested at the beginning, but have been told I”m wasting my time and that really really pisses me off. Ta ra.

Original poster

Nicknamegoeshere · 14/08/2020 15:55

@lborgia Because some times I feel strong and others I feel worn down with it all? Because I don't lead a perfect life and have many difficulties?

OP posts:

picklemewalnuts · 14/08/2020 16:09

The condition your oh has is really serious and debilitating. Realistically, there will be things he needs to do and things he can't do.

Can you change the dynamic of the conversation? Instead of hearing his complaints and coming up with suggestions that he shoots down, just ask him what he thinks should happen. If his suggestion is possible, then do it. If not, tell him why.

Don't get caught up in emotional drama, life is too short. You both need to work out a solution, to the problem both of you are experiencing. Stop thinking in terms of sides, my side his side, right and wrong. Just find s9mething that works.

Original poster

Nicknamegoeshere · 14/08/2020 16:57

@picklemewalnuts Thank you. Maybe Im expecting too much from him and feeling oversensitive because I'm so tired. He has helped with preparing the meals today (which he always does tbf), but has only had the baby briefly and she's not well today so has been crying most of the time in my arms. Lack of sleep maybe getting to me!

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 15/08/2020 06:53

The question I was asking posting here is the AIBU one? I do think he would be better going to stop at his parents for a while but he refuses.

No, the question is "What are you going to do to make him go to his parents' in order to recover?"

Original poster

Nicknamegoeshere · 15/08/2020 13:38

@mathanxiety He's a 44 yo man! I can't force him!!!

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 16/08/2020 07:48

Do you think you have a problem on your hands?

Or you actually basically happy enough with all of this?

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