To feel annoyed with OH re new baby

[Nicknamegoeshere]

So my little one is 11 weeks. She's my third baby, OH's first. I am an Attachment Parent so bedshare, contact nap, breastfeed etc.

At 9 (ish) pm I settle my 10 year-old and then have about an hour of TV with my eldest (13) and baby still with me. After that my OH has the baby for about ten or so minutes while I brush my teeth/get ready for bed. He then goes for a walk as he's got back problems.

He is normally in bed by around 11-11.30pm and sleeps solidly until around 8.30am.

I am in bed for around 22.30 ish but with baby next to me and she will feed every four hours or so (as she should), waking up more early morning - 7.30 / 8 am ish when I get up with her. I recognise this is in fact really good for a young baby and get by with not really having much deep sleep. He has never got up in the night to attend to baby.

OH is now complaining that he doesn't ever get an early night.

AIBU to think he he stop complaining and in fact he does well out of the two of us?

OK, I take it back, he’s had a shit time, but there’s no reason for him to take it out on you.

He may feel overwhelmed by a baby, but then he has to meet you in the middle, and manage his own expectations, not expect you to fix it all.

Maybe talk to him, adult to adult, recognise that he is recovering from a life-changing few weeks, and so are you. He can’t just whinge about everything to do with the baby, and do what he wants.

Meanwhile, sounds as if you’ve a lot going on, with the court stuff. You know that he will not get custody right? Just keep that in your mind, fill in your forms, and maybe talk to the GP about some help of some sort. Any one of these life events can cause stress/depression, and your slightly unnerving sudden reference to suicide is at odds with the rest of your posts.

Obviously in an ideal world you would not be dealing with a new baby whilst still dealing with custody issues, and your partner’s back issues, but you are, and you owe it to all three children to keep an eye on your own mental health.

Can he walk while your watching tv with your eldest?

So he goes for his walk whilst you're chilling with your eldest. I'm presuming he doesn't need putting to be bed.
So 9pm you settle down with eldest, he goes for a walk. Gets back at 10, had a wash, he holds baby, you have a wash. Both in bed for 10.30.

Every time he moans point out for not good mother and won't be organising his bed routine for him. Bit it sounds from other posters that you knew he'd be a lazy Dad anyway but did nothing to change the eventual course

@Oncemorewithfeelin And that's where I feel the resentment is creeping in?
But then he said "Well most bottle-fed babies are probably sleeping through at this age and have been for quite some time."
I don't know about that one as all mine have been breastfed but find it unlikely?? I'm sure there would still be night feeds and waking???
Although his mum says he and his sister were both sleeping through solidly by two weeks (bottle-fed)?

Yeah, no. My twins were walking every 3 hours at that age. They're 8 months blue and largely sleep through but we dream feed at midnight when we can

My other concern is that it will take weeks and weeks for his back to be fully healed, and so you really have to sort this out NOW. You have to be supporting each other, not having a go.

Tell him this is your third child, he knows nothing about having babies, and second hand reports don’t count. He needs to give you credit for knowing your subject.

He probably feels that he really wants to be looked after, he must be incredibly shaken up, but this is not going to happen at this time.

I dont know, the more I think about it, the more I actually feel sorry for both of you. It’s very tough to find that he is not the father you were expecting, and that he is experiencing something that normally would have everyone waiting on him hand and foot.

@SleepingStandingUp But I didn't know he'd become ill with a very rare spinal condition? And I'm not saying he hasn't been very unwell - he has. Catheter, several weeks in hospital, ongoing issues, bladder function failure/problems/having to administer his own IV antibiotics daily etc.
I guess I just feel a lot of the weight of it is on me. As I say she's a dream baby but babies are still very demanding by their nature and I don't think he gets that. He still expects lots of sleep.

@lborgia Thanks. Cauda Equina is pretty devastating as I'm grateful you are aware. The impact and health implications are hard to come to terms with for both of us.

This is about my tenth time in court so I have to get used to it. I better not mention the cost element on here as someone has already had a go at me re things surrounding that, but the thing I'm struggling with atm on top of everything else is the parental alienation affecting my eldest. It kind of hurts being told you're a effing c**t by your 13 year-old numerous times a day for months on end and he wishes he only had to see you a couple of times a year. And up to a year of this yet to go to before final outcome.

It probably wouldn't be the best for my baby if I wasn't around, but the harsh reality is it would be for my sons. Most definitely.

[quote Nicknamegoeshere]@SleepingStandingUp But I didn't know he'd become ill with a very rare spinal condition? And I'm not saying he hasn't been very unwell - he has. Catheter, several weeks in hospital, ongoing issues, bladder function failure/problems/having to administer his own IV antibiotics daily etc.
I guess I just feel a lot of the weight of it is on me. As I say she's a dream baby but babies are still very demanding by their nature and I don't think he gets that. He still expects lots of sleep.[/quote]
I don't know your other posts, bit assuming he was well did you think he'd be doing more? Or has he previously shown you who he is and you've chosen to ignore
Genuine question

@SleepingStandingUp Certainly I'd have thought he'd do more if he was well. He's by no means perfect but I wouldn't describe him as lazy at all. I just don't think he understands just how demanding a baby naturally is - and a very relaxed one at that! I find that very frustrating.

I guess her being my third I expected the mayhem and I'm pleasantly surprised at how chill she is really. But I think he sees it as in she's "hard work" because she obviously needs lots of attention and care. It's no surprise to me that of course she needs that. But it's like he didn't really have a clue?

I wouldn't like a baby in bed with me, perhaps your partner should sleep in separate room for now.

And (I hope this doesn't make me sound big-headed because nothing could be further from the truth) but as an experienced mum I just kind of "do parenting" naturally - perhaps it looks to him as if it's easy?

Like the other day I had to laugh at myself as I was sitting cross legged loasing the washing machine with the baby on the boob! Home birth too so it's almost as if I've forgotten that I've had a new baby and not taken any time for me if that makes any sense?

What I'd give to just have a peaceful bath without feeling the need to rush!

@1forAll74 If we had a spare room I'd agree!

Actually, that is completely untrue. A teenager talking to you like that is confused, angry, and that’s not really surprising given what I assume he’s hearing from his dad, that there is a new baby, a new man in the house, and every other thing. You think about how you’re feeling, and now imagine coping with that at 13.

Just so you know, it doesn’t matter how your child appears to feel about you, if you kill yourself, they will be dealing with it for the rest of their lives. I’d actually go so far as to say that it would be worse if you have this currently estranged angry kid, because they will think they are to blame.

All you can do in this situation is keep firm boundaries, and keep loving them. One day he will see his dad for what he is. I’m sure you’re not badmouthing his dad, as you have seen the havoc it causes.

again, it’s too late now, but I don’t understand how, if you have these things going on with your older children, and alienation etc etc., you found the capacity to start a new relationship, and decided a new baby would fit in easily!! I’m agog, as any one of those things would be enough for me. On the plus side, all of this will move on, it simply cannot stay this difficult forever.

Oh, and on to your partner - I would not dismiss the idea that he is finding the baby especially hard work because CE can impact sense of self, masculinity, and of course the physical incapacity that he will continue to remember/maybe deal with for a long time. Even more reason for you both to work together, rather than him assuming the baby will just be fitted in to his requirements.

Maybe, and I hesitate to say this, because I’d usually yell at someone of this, but maybe you could consider unattaching at 6 months or so, a little, so that you can make a bit more space for everyone/everything else.

You can also explain to DP that this stage is temporary, you won’t be co-sleeping forever, and you’ve got the rest of your lives to get into a routine!

The only way he will understand is if he's left to deal with the baby alone. Sounds like that never happens. And honestly, given his behaviour and attitude, I'm not sure I'd want to leave a baby alone with him.

Perhaps he should move out? He'll get plenty of sleep then. This would be my suggestion to him.

@lborgia Not exactly a new man or a new situation - I've been officially separated for over six years, divorced legally for three. Ex is pure evil. But should I have allowed him to stop me from moving on? I absolutely do not regret making the decision to have my baby girl.

But with a narcissitic ex who continues to control me whenever he can and use the kids as weapons, truth is I do think it would be better for them if I wasn't around. Their dad wouldn't need to hurt them to get at me then and I would be free of the abuse.

@TitsOutForHarambe He takes her out for walks (long ones tbf) but then brings her back and she needs feeding usually straight away.

@lborgia You're right, it's nice to talk to someone who knows about CE. Among othet things it has affected our intimacy on and off for a long time which isn't anyone's fault of course but it's been pretty shitty. It's like he's suddenly become a very old man at the age of 44.

Suggest to him that he takes the baby with him when he has a walk at night time. That way you can be ready for bed by the time he gets back, the baby will almost certainly be well asleep, problem mostly solved.

I would be annoyed too if the baby woke me up a lot during the night. Especially cause you are an 'attachment parent '(aka 'a parent' ) .
He cant feed the baby now can he?or do anything.. so he is getting woken up all through the night for ....for what?

But. In saying that: he should just sleep in a different room then until the baby moves out of the room in a few years. (Presumably years as you call yourself an 'attachment parent ')

Hes a parent tough tits ! He shouldn't have had agreed to having a child if he didnt want to do any parenting! Oh I forgot babies and children are the womens responsibilities arent they

I absolutely do understand about getting on with your life, and the problem is that the ex is still well and truly in not only your life but your son's.

I don't suggest you don't get in with your life, I'm just amazed you've managed it... and of course your son's perspective on everything is warped.

Commiserations on all of it, remember that if DP has got to 44 without any children of his own, or being in a previous blended family, he will never have had his assumptions tested, and many years of assuming he already "gets" parenting..

Did he have a bad back at the baby's conception or did it magic away then

@quizqueen - her may have had a sore back before, but CE can be very sudden in onset.

So it sounds like he has been pretty poorly and perhaps isn’t fully recovered yet? I’m not excusing his comment, he is getting a lot of sleep, but perhaps there’s a reason he’s struggling on that amount of sleep, or why he feels he needs to go to bed earlier.

Maybe compromise and let him have his early night once or twice a week. Possibly it’s fatigue from his medical problems, rather than laziness as such.