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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel annoyed with OH re new baby

219 replies

Nicknamegoeshere · 13/08/2020 22:46

So my little one is 11 weeks. She's my third baby, OH's first. I am an Attachment Parent so bedshare, contact nap, breastfeed etc.

At 9 (ish) pm I settle my 10 year-old and then have about an hour of TV with my eldest (13) and baby still with me. After that my OH has the baby for about ten or so minutes while I brush my teeth/get ready for bed. He then goes for a walk as he's got back problems.

He is normally in bed by around 11-11.30pm and sleeps solidly until around 8.30am.

I am in bed for around 22.30 ish but with baby next to me and she will feed every four hours or so (as she should), waking up more early morning - 7.30 / 8 am ish when I get up with her. I recognise this is in fact really good for a young baby and get by with not really having much deep sleep. He has never got up in the night to attend to baby.

OH is now complaining that he doesn't ever get an early night.

AIBU to think he he stop complaining and in fact he does well out of the two of us?

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 14/08/2020 06:23

So he’s just had a serious operation for what could potentially have been a life threatening condition and he should be the one expected to go off somewhere else/is being called a selfish bastard?

If this post were the other way around and it was the woman struggling and the man suggesting she go and stay somewhere else people would be saying that he should be the one to piss off somewhere else if he didn’t like it.

I understand you’ve had a baby and that it’s hard. But firstly, he’s had serious surgery and become a father for the first time all in one hit. Whereas you’ve already had two children, this isn’t new to you. You both need to compromise here. Having a baby is life changing but it’s human nature. Women do it all the time.

Having serious back surgery and loss of bladder function however is not.

Ginger1982 · 14/08/2020 06:26

@AnneLovesGilbert

Many many many a thread... And that’s obviously fine. But drama is a major understatement and it won’t be long before OP mentions how much her ex earns. Appears on every thread.
Oh, now I know who OP is!
VeggieSausageRoll · 14/08/2020 06:43

I think I'd want to know what he's doing on these late night walks. And is he really administering his own IV antibiotics? How?

Reluctantcavedweller · 14/08/2020 07:28

What does he want you to do?

Really confused. He doesn't seem to help at all, so it's not like he's asking if he can get away with doing less.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/08/2020 07:33

I would be annoyed too if the baby woke me up a lot during the night. Especially cause you are an 'attachment parent '(aka 'a parent' ) .
He cant feed the baby now can he?or do anything.. so he is getting woken up all through the night for ....for what?

Oh I don't know, maybe because it's his baby and there's really not much you can do about a baby waking up during the night. Oh and some of them don't just wake up and get straight back to sleep after a feed, so there's plenty of other things he could do.
What a stupid reply!

Sunshinegirl82 · 14/08/2020 07:45

There is clearly a huge backstory here. Taking it at face value I would buy him some earplugs and I would but a decent but not too expensive small double or double mattress (Ikea are great for this) and I would set up a bed downstairs for you and the baby in the dining room/lounge.

He can walk earlier in the day and go up to bed when he wants. You can sleep downstairs with the baby. Stick the mattress up against the wall or something in the day. I can't see any other practical solution in the absence of a spare room.

jessstan2 · 14/08/2020 07:48

@underneaththeash

He'll be fine - ignore him.

Still the SIDS risk is high from having your little baby in bed with you - calling yourself an "attachment parent" doesn't negate the risk.

Mine was always in bed with us, it's perfectly normal and natural, has been done since the beginning of time and didn't have a label.

Op, sleep in another room or get your husband to.

You may be right about him not understanding how parenthood changes your life but he could be in severe discomfort and pain, back operations are no joke.

This will pass, your baby will eventually outgrow being with you all the time and husband will get better.

Nsky · 14/08/2020 07:48

I feel for you, tho both my soms were sleeping 8 hrs at 8 weeks.
Yes they were weaned slightly too early ( 29 and 32)
And my youngest on meds causing more sleepiness too

SandieCheeks · 14/08/2020 07:54

@AlternativePerspective

So he’s just had a serious operation for what could potentially have been a life threatening condition and he should be the one expected to go off somewhere else/is being called a selfish bastard?

If this post were the other way around and it was the woman struggling and the man suggesting she go and stay somewhere else people would be saying that he should be the one to piss off somewhere else if he didn’t like it.

I understand you’ve had a baby and that it’s hard. But firstly, he’s had serious surgery and become a father for the first time all in one hit. Whereas you’ve already had two children, this isn’t new to you. You both need to compromise here. Having a baby is life changing but it’s human nature. Women do it all the time.

Having serious back surgery and loss of bladder function however is not.

Major surgery, and becoming a parent, and having to look after a newborn? Do you mean like thousands of women do?
Comtesse · 14/08/2020 08:07

CE is awful, very serious. Sounds like he has had a tough time. But babies do their thing. Very difficult balancing act. When my DH had spinal surgery staying mobile was important, too much lying in bed/ lying down was a bad idea. He should not be carrying anything and physio should be done religiously.

Tistheseason17 · 14/08/2020 08:12

AlternativePerspective
I agree with you.

I have had back surgery. He needs to rest as recommended. If he does not rest his back will get worse and you will have to do the heavy lifting forever.

I did what dr said and although not pain free I can walk now. I know of 2 colleagues who did not rest and they needed further surgeries. One of them twisted whilst picking a shopping bag as their partner felt they'd been lazy.

You chose to attachment parent, he did not choose to need major surgery.

Hotandknackered · 14/08/2020 08:13

When did he have the operation op? Before or after baby was born?

In previous threads you say he was supportive of attachment parenting, what changed? Just the reality of bf? Don't think it is at all accurate to say babies who are bottle fed are sleeping through at this age!

It must have been scary for him. But he is being a selfish child. I suspect he doesn't understand he's being a selfish arse as he has no idea what he was getting into with a newborn. Seems pretty common that men have no idea a baby changes things radically for a while at least.

Viviennemary · 14/08/2020 08:18

I think you need to stop the co sleeping. Your DH has had an operation and needs to recover. Of course he needs to rest or his recovery will be slowed down. You should have held off having a baby if you knew you needed a lot of help until your ASH was fully fit.m

Viviennemary · 14/08/2020 08:20

DH. This autocorrect is beyond a joke

Neron · 14/08/2020 08:30

AlternativePerspective
Was just going to post very similar to you, great post. I don't think PP calling him selfish, saying he needs to step up/stop whinging, comparing it to pregnancy etc have a clue about how serious Cauda Equina Syndrome is, plus dealing with a post op infection.

Gogogadgetarms · 14/08/2020 08:32

Send him my way and I’ll tell him what sleep deprivation is! Having had 2 children both with medical conditions that affected their sleep, neither slept through the night under 12months. I swear the lack of sleep seriously affected me. He has no idea how lucky he is to have a healthy new baby (and a good sleeper at that).

OP I haven’t read your previous threads so can’t comment on his pattern of behaviour but if you want the relationship to survive I’d sit down with him and have a serious conversation about bedtime routines. What he wants. Any compromises that can be made and hopefully a big reality check about how lucky he is.

SandieCheeks · 14/08/2020 08:38

@Viviennemary

I think you need to stop the co sleeping. Your DH has had an operation and needs to recover. Of course he needs to rest or his recovery will be slowed down. You should have held off having a baby if you knew you needed a lot of help until your ASH was fully fit.m
Why would you stop co-sleeping if that is what is giving the DH an undisturbed night? Baby goes in a cot/other room and now the baby is crying in the night and the OP has to get up and down - how is that restful?
Pobblebonk · 14/08/2020 08:44

@Viviennemary

I think you need to stop the co sleeping. Your DH has had an operation and needs to recover. Of course he needs to rest or his recovery will be slowed down. You should have held off having a baby if you knew you needed a lot of help until your ASH was fully fit.m
He's getting nine hours' rest a night, and all that stops him having more is that he doesn't choose to go to bed earlier. Co-sleeping clearly isn't disturbing him for a moment.
Sunshinegirl82 · 14/08/2020 08:46

Neither of my DC have ever slept a complete night without waking (they are 4 and 15 months). I haven't had a full night's sleep, not a single one, in 4.5 years.

I don't actually think that's that unusual. The only answer to this is sleeping separately.

QueenCT · 14/08/2020 08:47

When did he have the op? I had CE and was wiped for 3 weeks post op, then had to do 8 weeks no lifting/bending/twisting and no sitting for longer than 45 mins. Most of my time was spent lying down or standing and a lot of walking to help the scar tissue

year5teacher · 14/08/2020 08:49

Oh my god, I hate men like this.
Presumably he agreed to have this child, and had some concept of the fact that new parents often might just possibly have to make some changes to their lifestyle and routine?
It feels like he sees the new baby as your responsibility, something you should have to adapt and change and make sacrifices for - but for him, it would be so unreasonable to expect him to have to change even one thing about the way he does things.
He’s being totally selfish, unsupportive, and you should honestly ask him why he thinks he has no role to play in changing his routine to make things easier for you.

Viviennemary · 14/08/2020 09:06

This is a man who has had a serious operation and has been off work for months to recover. Not a lazy good for nothing who refuses to help. Why are people so dense they can't see the difference. I hope their might be a sensible medical person hear who can explain what impact this operation and condition and recovery period has.

dottiedodah · 14/08/2020 09:10

Has he has children before ? If not I think becoming a Dad at 44 is probably a big life change TBH! For everyone saying he is a useless waste of space ,maybe cut him some slack? He is recovering from surgery as well ,and quite honestly no one knows how they will feel after a Baby is here! Even the best of them are hard work ,and a big change in lifestyle! I think things will settle down in time and he gets used to being a Dad!Even though you are doing all the feeding , he will still get disturbed ! I am not saying he is in the right here ,but just think he needs to also maybe take a walk with her and also try to bond a little ? Then he will look forward to spending time with her and hopefully quit complaining !He is doing well from you both but maybe needs to feel a little more involved maybe?

LovingLola · 14/08/2020 09:13

@Viviennemary
The op has been posting about him for a long time. This is not new behaviour. I agree that serious back surgery is very difficult but leaving that out of the equation he is a twat.

oliveaddict · 14/08/2020 09:16

That's ridiculous - I also have an 11 week old baby and my husband cannot help enough, he even took her through the entire night two nights this week and did bottles in the night, letting me sleep in spare room as I was getting exhausted.

He takes her so I can have baths, or even just have a break, even after he's been at work. When I ask him if he's sure he says 'I don't mind, I like to see my little baby'. That's what you deserve too!