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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel annoyed with OH re new baby

219 replies

Nicknamegoeshere · 13/08/2020 22:46

So my little one is 11 weeks. She's my third baby, OH's first. I am an Attachment Parent so bedshare, contact nap, breastfeed etc.

At 9 (ish) pm I settle my 10 year-old and then have about an hour of TV with my eldest (13) and baby still with me. After that my OH has the baby for about ten or so minutes while I brush my teeth/get ready for bed. He then goes for a walk as he's got back problems.

He is normally in bed by around 11-11.30pm and sleeps solidly until around 8.30am.

I am in bed for around 22.30 ish but with baby next to me and she will feed every four hours or so (as she should), waking up more early morning - 7.30 / 8 am ish when I get up with her. I recognise this is in fact really good for a young baby and get by with not really having much deep sleep. He has never got up in the night to attend to baby.

OH is now complaining that he doesn't ever get an early night.

AIBU to think he he stop complaining and in fact he does well out of the two of us?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 14/08/2020 09:20

Thanks Lovinglola. I haven't read any of the other threads.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 14/08/2020 09:44

@Viviennemary He has a PICC line in his upper arm so he can self-admimister IV. And bedsharing is my choice and I would not have it any other way! Means more sleep all around. That is not what I am not bothered about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 14/08/2020 09:46

@VeggieSausageRoll See above.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 14/08/2020 09:49

@jessstan2 We don't have a spare room. Rehted three bed.

OP posts:
burritofan · 14/08/2020 09:55

Tell him that at 11 weeks my baby was waking up hourly. We still bedshare at 16 months. My DP also has a creaky back but will pace around with her at 4am when she can’t sleep because it’s 35 degrees indoors; it’s just what you do.

What did he think would happen when you had a baby?

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 14/08/2020 10:08

@burritofan This part I agree with - the baby is really chilled. Definitely more so than my boys ever were. They didn't sleep through at all until they were 2/3.

His spinal condition developed suddenly after birth so he had emergency surgery and then the infection which required more urgent surgery. It is very serious but he's recovering well. He has a PICC line in his arm so he can do his IV antibiotics (he's on week two of six) but hasn't got the catheter any more. He will have long term problems re bladder and other functions likely but doctors say he's doing well considering.

OP posts:
AskingforaBaskin · 14/08/2020 10:32

Why do you keep name changing?
Your past posts are very pertinent to the help you need.

You never actually enact any of the advice you are given. You just keep burying your head and then dispersing that shit is still bad.

HyacynthBucket · 14/08/2020 10:39

When I had back ache I found that staying in bed too long at night made it worse the next day. If he had a shorter night's sleep, and an afternoon sleep as well, maybe it would be be better for his back and for getting you in sync with each other too..

Sunshinegirl82 · 14/08/2020 10:40

@Nicknamegoeshere

Mattress in the lounge is pretty much your only solution in the absence of a spare room.

Chunkycharlie85 · 14/08/2020 10:42

Nicknamegoeshere

Oh honestly I'm sorry but this gets my back right up, I'm a single mother of 3 myself I've also had back surgery early this year.
The surgery was not a success and I'm worse than I was before it. Now needing more surgery. I live with chronic pain 24/7 can't feel half of my leg or foot. Also on far to many medications with horrid side affects. And lucky to sleep 2/3hours a day!

When my kids where babies I'm pretty sure they hated me so never slept lol, But fact is we have to crack on.
My youngest DD is about to turn 3 and is full of energy..my middle ds is 6 and has heart and kidney problems, eldest 12 going on 25 thinks he knows it all lol 🤔🥴
My point is he's laying it on far to think so he can get away with just being a lazy shit!
Do you also cook all the meals and clean his pants for him?
He should be offering a lot more help.. especially when you say your baby is a happy little one 💗 it's not exactly hard work to sit and watch little one while you have some time out nice bubble bath or nap etc .you deserve so much better..
I bet you'll find so many more mum's and dad's on here like me or worse but still have no choice but to carry on with all the house work, go to work, keep our kids alive 😆
Honestly hun if he needs that much sleep and rest tell him to go do it elsewhere, you'll probably find you get on better without having to be his mummy too. Sorry if I sound to harsh to you..just been there done that..
He needs to get a grip. Does he think your a robot?
Just remember to take care of you too and don't enable him or he will just suck the life out of you. yourself and your DC deserve happyness and support..
Take care xx

MissHoney85 · 14/08/2020 10:48

OP I think you are right to feel annoyed. One thing I would say, however, is that I note you say "I am an Attachment Parent". Presumably this means that your OH is not on board with it, and his actions seem to back that up. Maybe you need to have a big chat with him about what parenting style that you will use together to make sure you are on the same page. It may be that he doesn't understand what AP is and why it's important to you. Or, it may be that it's just not his preferred style and you may have to make some compromises too. I think it's important that you are on the same page in terms of parenting styles and that you understand each other, or you are going to have a tough time.

MissHoney85 · 14/08/2020 10:53

Just to add to the above - it may be that he feels a little left out / useless. It seems from your original post like you are doing everything with the baby, then just handing her over to your OH to 'babysit' while you have a break. Maybe you need to try and involve OH more actively so he doesn't feel like the baby is just your responsibility that gets dumped on him sometimes.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 14/08/2020 10:56

@MissHoney85 He's never had kids before so not really thought about it. I've always been an AP since my eldest was born 13 years ago. Made that clear to him before we ttc and he was happy with it too.

OP posts:
MissHoney85 · 14/08/2020 11:02

@Nicknamegoeshere does he really understand what it means though? And what his role in it is?

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 14/08/2020 11:07

@MissHoney85 The bedsharing makes his life a lot easier as he sleeps through. I very much doubt he would if baby wasn't next to me and latching on throughout the night without as much as a cry? I love, love, love breastfeeding but I do think it sometimes gives partners a bit of a "get out clause?"

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MissHoney85 · 14/08/2020 11:12

Maybe you need to make sure he understands why bedsharing is actually better for him. I also do think you need to find ways to hand over more responsibility for baby's care to your OH - it sounds like he's just being used to hold her for 10 minutes here or there while you get a break. So to him, she's 'your' baby and he hasn't got much of a role. I'm not an expert on AP but I'm sure there are ways for fathers to play a very active role. That might help him to feel more purposeful and less resentful.

snappycamper · 14/08/2020 11:27

@LovingLola

He liked it yesterday when I took her out for three hours because he could rest fully during this time apparently. What a waste of space he is.
This. What a lazy fucker.
AnneLovesGilbert · 14/08/2020 11:38

You’ve got two options, lower your expectations way way down and accept you chose to have three children with two awful men and it’s all on you but you like what little positive he adds to your life, or kick him out - you’ve often mentioned he’s not bringing enough to the table financially and is unmotivated with no ambition - and go it alone officially.

Your suicide threats are like the ones you made about aborting your daughter as your ex was being a dick. Wallowing may get you sympathy and make you feel a bit better temporarily but it’s not helping you longer term. If you really believe your sons are better with their dad then why bother to fight him in court? Come on, you can’t have it both ways.

You wanted this baby, the situation was an utter shit show. You knew exactly what sort of step dad your partner was - a crap one who saw your kids as an inconvenience. You knew it would unsettle your older kids especially the one who already hates you, and that’s exactly what it did. You’ve given your ex a huge amount of additional ammunition too.

You got what you wanted despite it going against all common sense, suck it up. By all means carry on posting for sympathy but the people who have been offering you advice on the whole mess for I don’t know how many years now can see you never bloody listen.

Ginger1982 · 14/08/2020 11:44

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

crazychemist · 14/08/2020 11:53

So hang on, let me see if I’ve got this right:

He doesn’t want to sleep elsewhere, or for you to sleep elsewhere. He’s happy for you to bedshare, but he wants you to get into bed earlier with your baby so that he can go out for his walk and then go to bed earlier. He would also like you to take DD out more during the day so that he can rest during the day.

Honestly, it sounds like he doesn’t want to have the changes that come with having a baby. He wants his pre-baby life and wants you to do all the work with the baby.

Did you discuss how things would work before you had the baby?

It sounds like he’s being a bit crap. If that’s because he’s recovering from his operation, that’s not such a big deal. BUT you’d have to be very careful that it doesn’t just become the status quo that you do everything. As he gets better, he’ll need to take more responsibility.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 14/08/2020 11:58

@AnneLovesGilbert So I shouldn't have had a baby because my ex-husband would object or, as you put it, "give him additional ammunition"?

OP posts:
AskingforaBaskin · 14/08/2020 12:08

You shouldn't have had another baby when your older two are in crisis and that is clearly going to be an ongoing issue.

GabsAlot · 14/08/2020 12:11

@Nicknamegoeshere

I've suggested he could go up earlier and I could bring baby up later but he's not happy with that as he'd probably be woken up. So I suggested I sleep in a different room with I'm happy to do but again he doesn't want that. He wants me to be in bed for 10.30pm latest so he can go to sleep.

I have tried to explain that having a baby is bound to mean less sleep somewhere along the line but he doesn't really get it?

you said here you suggested you sleep in a different room

then later go on to say you dont have a spare room-which is it

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 14/08/2020 12:14

@GabsAlot We have two "spare" rooms when the boys are with their dad. Single beds so partner would have to go in one of those.

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Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 14/08/2020 12:16

@AskingforaBaskin My eldest was not "in crisis" at the time, my youngest son never had been. My ex ramped up his abuse when he disocovered I was pregnant and in light of Covid. Google "Parental Alienation".

I refuse to let my abusive ex control my life and dictate my future plans.

OP posts: