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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel annoyed with OH re new baby

219 replies

Nicknamegoeshere · 13/08/2020 22:46

So my little one is 11 weeks. She's my third baby, OH's first. I am an Attachment Parent so bedshare, contact nap, breastfeed etc.

At 9 (ish) pm I settle my 10 year-old and then have about an hour of TV with my eldest (13) and baby still with me. After that my OH has the baby for about ten or so minutes while I brush my teeth/get ready for bed. He then goes for a walk as he's got back problems.

He is normally in bed by around 11-11.30pm and sleeps solidly until around 8.30am.

I am in bed for around 22.30 ish but with baby next to me and she will feed every four hours or so (as she should), waking up more early morning - 7.30 / 8 am ish when I get up with her. I recognise this is in fact really good for a young baby and get by with not really having much deep sleep. He has never got up in the night to attend to baby.

OH is now complaining that he doesn't ever get an early night.

AIBU to think he he stop complaining and in fact he does well out of the two of us?

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 14/08/2020 04:30

@Boom45

Competitive tiredness is very annoying but gets nobody anywhere. I'm sure new dads are exhausted, generally (although not always obv) they're not as exhausted as new mums. I wanted to scream at my DH when he huffed and sighed about how tired he was after he'd been snoring next to me while I fed our baby for hours in the middle of the night. However, just because I was exhausted it didnt mean his tiredness didnt matter. I mean, I didnt do anything about it tbf but I did try to nod sympathetically rather than throw something at him....
This is how I think too. Especially once you have a baby plus older children. I may be at 100% with baby, but he was at 300% with other 3 children to manage. It’s not a competition of who is most tired. You have to work as a team and support each other’s needs.
Savingshoes · 14/08/2020 04:39

I would have thought after a back op the aim was to rest as much as possible but to not lie down for long blocks.
Nothing too strenuous but to not take to your bed. What does his discharge advice leaflet suggest he should be doing?

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 14/08/2020 04:47

@Yeahnahmum We don't have a spare room. Three bed, three kids (except from with their dad).
@lborgia You're correct. He had back issues to some extent but the it came on very suddenly - not even the doctors suspected it until things got really bad. So @quizqueen hopefully that answers your question.
@lborgia He was married for quite some time but they couldn't have kids despite always wanting them. He was in a previous relationship with a lady with three kids but the youngest were about 2/3 I think when they first met.

OP posts:
Savingshoes · 14/08/2020 04:50

"nitially incomplete Cauda Equina only diagnosed when bladder function stopped. Discharged following emergency surgery with catheter. Then got infection of spine post op so futher surgery. Is on IV antibiotics daily"
Gosh he must have been petrified! How awful for him. Perhaps this life saving surgery followed by complications has knocked his confidence in himself and he just wants to be looked after.
Has he got relatives that he could go stay with to get the TLC he needs whilst you then focus on enjoying time with your daughter?

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 14/08/2020 04:50

@Savingshoes Don't know, I haven't seen it? He says he has to lie down and sitting hurts. As does holding baby for an extended period.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 14/08/2020 04:51

@Savingshoes I have suggested this so many times. But he says be doesn't want to be apart from us so won't go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 14/08/2020 04:57

Can't sleep as usual but going to try and get baby and youngest out today for most of the day so he can't say he isn't resting. Not sure how/where with Covid, but I'll have to think of something. Changing and feeding is a bit of a nightmare out and about!!

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 14/08/2020 05:08

So he wants you to bottle feed and magic the baby into sleeping all night, and thinks you are just being obstinate and uncaring because you won't snap your fingers and make all of that happen...

mathanxiety · 14/08/2020 05:12

Please don't wear yourself out taking the baby and older two kids out all day. This is truly insane.

Bollocks to not wanting to be apart from you all but feeling fine that you have to schlep a baby around outdoors all day, feeding, changing, fitting in naps, dealing with a sullen 13 yo...

Send OH to his parents'. He is going to be apart from you all all day so he can rest anyway.

lborgia · 14/08/2020 05:12

He definitely shouldn't be carrying anything, not even a baby, if it still hurts. I'm sorry, I think given that you find her a very easy baby, for the first time in my life on here..14 years?... I'm going to say cut him some slack. If you can do the laundry while feeding the baby, then keep doing what you're doing, but explain that much as you'd love to, you cannot also nurse him back to health in the way that you could if it was just the 2 of you. Remind him you're both under pressure, and you have to be nice to each other.

He is not allowed to second guess your parenting/ feeding, but he is allowed to say he's in too much pain/ exhausted to hold the baby.

mathanxiety · 14/08/2020 05:12

Sorry, no 13 yo, but my point is still valid.

Stand up to him. He needs to compromise.

lborgia · 14/08/2020 05:13

Yes to he needs to recover somewhere else, if the only problem is he doesn't want to. It's best for all of you.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 14/08/2020 05:20

@mathanxiety His parents live about 1.5 hours away!

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 14/08/2020 05:20

And??

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 14/08/2020 05:23

@lborgia I agree. But he won't go anywhere else. He says he really wouldn't like it at his parents and it's a long drive so not like he'd be able to take himself. And of course they're older parents (both late 70's) so would be tricky.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 14/08/2020 05:25

@mathanxiety How does he get there?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 14/08/2020 05:33

In a taxi, an Uber, a car you own, a car a friend owns, a car his parents own, a car owned by one of his siblings, a car owned by one of your friends, a car owned by one of your siblings, a bus...

theBelgranoSisters · 14/08/2020 05:33

You have my full sympathy OP.

Had a similar experience with my completely useless exP who got progressively worse and more annoyed by the restrictions and duties parenting brings as the years rolled on.He was was ditched when my dc were still toddlers because of this.All i ever heard was how hard done by he was on 11 hours in bed a day?!(and he hadn't had a bloody back op)I worked from home so had a good routine based around the kids, he did 8 hour shifts in an office-but was in bed at midnight (finished at 9pm but always had drinks after work with his team).Up at 11-12 the next day.Made himself a fry up, played on his computer before going to work.Barely looked at the kids except with contempt as he was giving them a bollocking for making noise..If i didnt keep them and myself out of the way he'd scream and shout about how his down time/peace was ruined and how he worked all the hours god sent etc..and then storm off to work.
Im not joking when i say it put me off co-habiting/child-rearing with another adult for life.The past 10 years ive been single have been amazing not having to put up with anyone's bullshit,issues and dramas- just depending on myself and enjoying the kid. The biggest bonus for us tough; he was so disinterested in DC he fucked off and we didnt have to deal with him hanging around polluting the environment.
Your OH needs a reality check asap-Life isnt going to get less busy, and less demanding! Sometimes its just better to crack on on your own.

mathanxiety · 14/08/2020 05:35

Quite honestly, what he likes and prefers is far less relevant right now than you believe it is.

Put him in a car and wave him off. He will be perfectly fine at his parents' home.

Oncemorewithfeelin · 14/08/2020 05:42

[quote Nicknamegoeshere]@Oncemorewithfeelin And that's where I feel the resentment is creeping in?
But then he said "Well most bottle-fed babies are probably sleeping through at this age and have been for quite some time."
I don't know about that one as all mine have been breastfed but find it unlikely?? I'm sure there would still be night feeds and waking???
Although his mum says he and his sister were both sleeping through solidly by two weeks (bottle-fed)?[/quote]
@Nicknamegoeshere
Formula feeding won’t make babies sleep through. One of mine did the other didn’t until they were well over a year.
If your husband suggest it again then tell him the switch would likely unsettle your baby.

It does sound like he’s having a rough time medically, but you shouldn’t have to tip toe round his wants. You are not stopping him going to bed by sitting up and he needs to realise this. You have offered several compromises non of which he’s happy with. Why can’t he compromise?

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 14/08/2020 05:49

@Oncemorewithfeelin Yes I think he should compromise and actually listen to my suggestions!

Having said that, I'm not prepared to stop breastfeeding for anyone!!! Half the problem is that both of our mothers have gone on about the fact that we were both formula fed and slept through from birth pretty much blah blah. And actually, baby is an excellent sleeper! OH is never disturbed by her once!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 14/08/2020 05:54

I wish we knew someone with a baby and then perhaps he'd realise how lucky he is with her laid-back nature, never having a disturbed night's sleep etc. I do so much with her and I feel like that's taken as given if that makes sense?

OP posts:
makingmammaries · 14/08/2020 06:03

He needs to man up. He is trying to control YOUR bedtime and make everything about him.

BiblioX · 14/08/2020 06:08

You DO know he is being a selfish git. Age has absolutely nothing to do with it - my father was 55 when I was born and was hands on from the word go, even though he’s been born in the 1920s. He was a scientist, worked long hours, came home and took over parenting duties apart from the feeding. My husband was 44 when our eldest born, he does so much with them.
Yours should be organising his sleep-needs better and be so bloody appreciative. I can’t get over him saying you pass him his only daughter too much in the day. I’d be gone at that point.

rwalker · 14/08/2020 06:09

TBH for the way you describe it he properly feels pushed out . It you and the baby and him.
So to him it's business as usual and he wants more sleep.

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