To feel annoyed with OH re new baby

[Nicknamegoeshere]

So my little one is 11 weeks. She's my third baby, OH's first. I am an Attachment Parent so bedshare, contact nap, breastfeed etc.

At 9 (ish) pm I settle my 10 year-old and then have about an hour of TV with my eldest (13) and baby still with me. After that my OH has the baby for about ten or so minutes while I brush my teeth/get ready for bed. He then goes for a walk as he's got back problems.

He is normally in bed by around 11-11.30pm and sleeps solidly until around 8.30am.

I am in bed for around 22.30 ish but with baby next to me and she will feed every four hours or so (as she should), waking up more early morning - 7.30 / 8 am ish when I get up with her. I recognise this is in fact really good for a young baby and get by with not really having much deep sleep. He has never got up in the night to attend to baby.

OH is now complaining that he doesn't ever get an early night.

AIBU to think he he stop complaining and in fact he does well out of the two of us?

Yes but he has a bad back and just had an op so that's his reason.

Does he think childbirth was painfree and required no recovery time? I’m assuming he held the baby for the entire time you were in pain after you had her, yes?

[quote Nicknamegoeshere]@InDeoEstMeaFiducia Thank you. Really helpful xxxxx[/quote]
What do you want anyone to say? It’s been clear as day for literally years that this guy is a loser. Now he’s also a shit dad. You can’t seriously be surprise?

He sounds like a real whiny twat to be honest!

He needs to man up or sod off.

He’s a prick.
But don’t blame it on age, DH became a father at 46 and he’s not behaving like this.

He's an arse. Ignore him and crack on with what works best for you and the children. You sound like a lovely mummy.

he sounds hard work - spare room.

@Toomuchtrouble4me We haven't got a spare room

@underneaththeash utter bollocks. Safe cosleeping does not increase SIDS.
SIDS deaths are almost exclusively in non breastfed babies, where smoking, drinking, drugs and/or unsafe sleeping areas (eg sofas) feature.

@roxfox Thank you for saying that. I don't think I'm strong enough for this forum atm so I appreciate that. Got court again soon and fighting to keep my kids (ex is aplying so I just see them EOW) so I guess I need to focus my energies on that for the time being. Off to prepare my statement for jusge and pay more fees...

The phrase ‘help you out with the boys’ says it all - reality is most men are just sperm donors looking then for someone to look after THEIR needs.

@underneaththeash

He'll be fine - ignore him.

Still the SIDS risk is high from having your little baby in bed with you - calling yourself an "attachment parent" doesn't negate the risk.

The SIDS co-sleeping advice isn’t for exclusively breastfed babies who are at least 6 pounds (and whose parents don’t smoke / do drugs / get drunk). I was advised by all NHS professionals to co-sleep to help baby gain weight before a tongue tie fix, as it can encourage babies to feed more.

@Nicknamegoeshere

Thanks all. I'm best off doing away with myself I know.

Again with the drama!

Stop with this shit and be the parent you are supposed to be. He is, and has always been, a useless sack of shit. Why are you expecting him to change now?! Suck it up sister. Either accept things as they are or get rid and do it on your own, it really is that simple.

@Goodnightelizabethwalton Because they're not his kids.

He sounds like a selfish twat who feels his life shouldn't change at all while you do all the heavy lifting and suffer the sleep deprivation.

If he's just had a back op, he must be on seriously strong painkillers that knock him out. Is the baby safe in the bed with him on strong medication? Genuine question.

FWIW, I coslept with my DC (still do with the baby). We have a kingsize bed and the husband has been banished to the spare room ever since I brought the first baby home. I just can't take any risks. I'd get your OH to sleep on the floor (on a pull out mattress/futon) downstairs or somewhere else.

What kind of back op did he have OP? I’ve spent years working in neurosurgery, so interested to know what he is doing in the way of exercise.

1 - he’s not “Unwell”, or “sick”, he had an operation. It’s a functional thing. Yes, it makes you tired, yes, it can be painful, but he needs to manage the pain with medicine so it doesn’t fatigue him.

2 - he does not need to do 1.5 hours of walking in one go. In fact, lying in bed for 9 hours straight is not doing him any favours, so slightly less at night, and maybe a quick sleep during the day would be better.

3 - if he’s doing his physio exercises and/or walking enough, and feels he might be ready to return to work, then there is no reason he cannot look after the baby. Not mind her, or babysit her, but parent her.

Honestly, sometimes people (men) need to be told that being tired won’t kill them. It may mean his recovery takes a few days etc., but there you go, that’s just what happens when you have a new baby, and a back op.

Maybe you and your calm baby, and your older kids would find life more tranquil just the four of you.

Just seen your last update, don’t post in AIBU, and as for this to be put in Relationships.

@lborgia Initially incomplete Cauda Equina only diagnosed when bladder function stopped. Discharged following emergency surgery with catheter. Then got infection of spine post op so futher surgery. Is on IV antibiotics daily.

Can he walk after tea? 7pm.

@sruitfalad Baby always my side without fail eg. Never next to him. Clarifled with GP and HV 😊

@Porridgeoat He says due to his condition he has to walk before bed?

He is normally in bed by around 11-11.30pm...I am in bed for around 22.30

He wants me to be in bed for 10.30pm

But you are. He then f goes out for a wander so I don't see how him bedtime is caused by you??

Wake him up everytime you are woken to feed your baby. After a few nights of that I’m sure he will want the previous arrangement.

As others have said it’s his baby too. I would cut him some slack due to his op( which it sounds like you probably have) but how long will that excuse last.

I hope everything goes well with your ex and court case. You will need your partner to support you mentally and physically by being more hands on with baby.

@SleepingStandingUp He means all of us in bed by then. He goes for his walk and then goes straight to bed sort of thing. So I would need to take my shower and get ready for bed around 9.30 I guess? Wouldn't dream of having a bath - haven't done since baby was born!!