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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend won't meet with me because I don't have kids ..aibu ?

211 replies

notonmylife · 11/08/2020 13:20

Hi I'm 35 and always wanted children but unfortunately never happened.
Been friends with my friend for 22 years (school friend) she means the world to me and were "best" friends.
We still text every week and she will ring me but she never wants to meet up anymore because I don't have children.
Her eldest is 7 and youngest nearly 1.
She doesn't have anyone to babysit so she has them every day /night.
I've asked her if she wants to meet up with kids obviously.
I've suggested going for lunch with soft play for kids/wildlife parks/beach/parks for picnics/cinema (kids movies ) etc etc
This is what she said to me
"I just want to stick to meeting friends who have Kids as "eldest" would be bored otherwise.
Last year she asked me to organise her baby shower and I sorted the venue/guests /food etc but I'm not invited to his 1st birthday.

I always wanted kids.
I love my friend like a sister and would love to be in her kids life too.
It's sad that she doesn't want to meet up.
She rang this morning for a chat,she was off to the beach with a friend (who has a 3 year old)

I'm so sad all the time.
Aibu to think we can still meet up in some capacity?

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 14/08/2020 07:52

I don’t think people should give the op hope it’s about the virus, it’s about being a horrible user. She asked the op to throw her a baby shower and didn’t invite her to the first birthday. It’s not the virus! And it’s not you op, you sound lovely.

BoattoBolivia · 14/08/2020 08:00

You do sound lovely op. My best friend has no children, through a collection of unfortunate circumstances and I have done everything I could to make sure she is an important person in their lives. She is the nearest thing they have to a godmother. She does day's out on her own with them, we all do things together and she and I do grown up things alone when we can. For me it is also vitally important to have a life away from children sometimes- she keeps me sane(ISH). Your friend has been horrible to you and it sounds as if you deserve far better.

Dillydallyingthrough · 14/08/2020 08:11

Agree with everyone else your friend is bitch, I cant decide if it would be worth having an honest conversation with her and explain how hurt you are and then cut contact. Only because it may make her think about her behaviour, but that's up to you.

DF has no DC, mines a teen now, she would always suggest places like you when DD was little. God, it was amazing to have another adult (I was a SP with no childcare or support nearby). My DD calls her 'Aunty Rose', now DD is a teen they do things alone together (she actually took DD to her first concert as she is passionate about music). Again, its brilliant she has another adult to talk to and I know she is in safe hands.

ddl1 · 14/08/2020 08:14

'I don’t think people should give the op hope it’s about the virus, it’s about being a horrible user. She asked the op to throw her a baby shower and didn’t invite her to the first birthday. It’s not the virus!'

The baby shower was last year; the first birthday is now; so the virus could still be a factor. However, if it is, the friend should say so, rather than implying that OP is somehow less worthy of her time because she doesn't have kids.

timeisnotaline · 14/08/2020 10:45

She had a 1st birthday. Others attended.
She goes out with other friends. Do you really think there is some factor the ops not telling us that means she is a much bigger disease risk than everyone else?

billy1966 · 14/08/2020 10:49

Absolute bitch.

Cut her lose.

You sound fabFlowers

FreshStart01 · 14/08/2020 11:12

I'm going to try to put this from your friends point of view, because I feel I was kind of there 10 years ago, and sadly I am no longer in touch my former 'best' friend who I had been close to since university.

Our relationship was initially based on a lot of drinking, partying, city breaks, going to the theatre... you get the picture. We both had slightly dysfunctional childhoods, difficult Fs but close with Ms, so I think that played a part in our friendship as well. We both suffered with depression at certain points over the years, or perhaps always but just more or less visible at certain points. I met my DH when I was 24, and I suppose it seemed plain sailing to anyone on the outside, although I certainly had my ups and downs, and getting pregnant when we decided we were ready wasn't instant, it took a couple of years of trying which was hard when everyone else around us seemed to be on baby no. 2 at least. Friend also got married, but it turned out unhappily with no children and I was as supportive as I could be (I think) but she moved back to the support network of her family which was a long way from where I lived. I think even before then we had drifted apart.

What I found hard was talking to her honestly about how I felt - the postnatal depression, the imposter syndrome with being a mum, and quite often the desire to just run away (I didn't find parenting hard, just mind numbing and frustrating most of the time) - when I knew she really wanted to have that life, settled with a husband and children, and a job I quite enjoyed. How could I complain about it when I really was incredibly lucky to have it?

It didn't exactly come to a head but I do remember a phone call when I think I was a bit short because we were on our way out, and then I'm ashamed to say I think I 'forgot' to call her back. I think she'd planned to visit but never followed up, and we exchanged Christmas cards then just stopped even doing that. It is sad, but on the other hand I think our friendship had run its course, and we'd both changed a lot. Keeping the friendship going had become an effort, without enough reward for either of us. Sometimes that happens.

I have another friend (from school) who, with her partner, decided not to have children. I completely respect that and perhaps because I've made no judgement on their decision, we're still close although we don't see/speak that often. I visit them with my 2 DCs and she's great at getting them playing board games or trailing round shops or parks with us, its just very chilled. Perhaps we don't have much in common but I find it a refreshing change to the child-centred relationships with 'mum friends'.

I suppose what I'm saying is perhaps its time to let go of your friendship for now, but try not to feel bitter about it because you don't know exactly what's going on in her life or inside her head. You feel like you need her support because you're having a tough time, but she might not have the energy or mental capacity to give you that right now, so she's pushing you away. But try not to lose all contact, because its those friendships from childhood that we might need to fall back on sometime in the future. My DH has friends from school who he sometimes goes years without seeing, then they hook up again, and he says they feel like family - he knows they'll be there for him if he really needs them. Give her a way back in for the future, don't cut all ties or end it in a finite way, and forgive her for the hurtful comments she's made as we all make mistakes.

As for your current situation, be kind to yourself, but try to be active and set yourself some goals that are just for you - not to meet a man or have a baby - but to learn a new skill or go to an exhibition or read a good book while you don't have a partner or children to worry about. You are strong, you are resilient and you do not know what the future holds. And you're certainly not old enough to think there's no hope of having your own family one day. Take care of yourself, and good luck!

StatementKnickers · 14/08/2020 21:43

Frankly @FreshStart01 you sound like a crap friend too.

julybaby32 · 14/08/2020 23:15

OP, I have been there. Eldest being 7/8ish is probably the lowest bit. Before that and extra pair of hands to devote themselves to her child is useful. She may start wanting to get in touch more once her youngest starts secondary school. In my case, I kept in touch in a Christmas card one phone call a year way and the friend has started saying we must meet, we must talk more often. Realistically, I know that in a few years time I will most likely be dropped again for lack of grandchildren.
FreshStart seems to have gone out of the way to hurt and blame you for not having experienced exactly the same as your friend.
.

eatsleepread · 15/08/2020 04:31

You sound so lovely and the best friend ever! You deserve better Thanks

Cactuslove · 15/08/2020 09:15

I have a 2yr old ds and I'm pregnant. I have friends with and without kids. I don't see why she can't meet up with you and I actually think she sounds quite selfish. An hr of her time is not going to kill her 7yr old with boredom... especially when you're suggesting things suitable for them such as the park etc. I'm really sorry that you have been treated this way but from everything you've written you certainly don't deserve it. Focus on other friends is my advice- but I appreciate the loss your probably feeling.

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