Friend won't meet with me because I don't have kids ..aibu ?

[notonmylife]

Hi I'm 35 and always wanted children but unfortunately never happened.
Been friends with my friend for 22 years (school friend) she means the world to me and were "best" friends.
We still text every week and she will ring me but she never wants to meet up anymore because I don't have children.
Her eldest is 7 and youngest nearly 1.
She doesn't have anyone to babysit so she has them every day /night.
I've asked her if she wants to meet up with kids obviously.
I've suggested going for lunch with soft play for kids/wildlife parks/beach/parks for picnics/cinema (kids movies ) etc etc
This is what she said to me
"I just want to stick to meeting friends who have Kids as "eldest" would be bored otherwise.
Last year she asked me to organise her baby shower and I sorted the venue/guests /food etc but I'm not invited to his 1st birthday.

I always wanted kids.
I love my friend like a sister and would love to be in her kids life too.
It's sad that she doesn't want to meet up.
She rang this morning for a chat,she was off to the beach with a friend (who has a 3 year old)

I'm so sad all the time.
Aibu to think we can still meet up in some capacity?

[DocOfTheBay]

I just want to stick to meeting friends who have Kids as "eldest" would be bored otherwise

This quite simply does not make sense. And the outing with a 3 year old won't help the 7 yo not be bored....

Does she have a DH or DP?

Is there any possibility that she is being controlled / co-erced / emotionally abused? Stopping a woman seeing her close friends is a favourite control tactic of abusers.

[AmICrazyorWhat2]

Thinking about it, I’ve heard a similar tale from my child free SIL and her husband. Apparently his younger brother and wife don’t think it works for them to hang out with their family as it’s boring for their kids.

Strange, because my kids love their aunt and uncle who make a big effort to take an interest in what they’re currently into. Sad to have such a rigid attitude.

[Lovemusic33]

She’s not a good friend, ditch her. Message her back saying “sorry I’m not in the special mums club and am not worthy of your time, I won’t be bothering you again, have fun with your mummy friends”.

I have kids, most of my friends do not, I make time for them even if it’s not that often.

[Snailsetssail]

I have a 1 year old and 3 year old and my best friend doesn’t have children. I met up with her at least once a month, often child free as we do a weekend when my DH can watch the children, but sometimes we go somewhere with them too. I always invite her to things and she often politely declines as an afternoon with 2 children isn’t her idea of fun, but I wouldn’t dream of not including her.

[wigglerose]

I think it's particularly cruel since you want children. I'm gobsmacked at the lack of empathy. Please do spend more time with your other friends.

[Snailsetssail]

One of my close friends has just got pregnant at 40. You have time yet if children is what you want and you could even explore assisted conception without a partner.

[StatementKnickers]

Your friend sounds like a nasty smug cow. I am childfree and have had this from a couple of former friends - I cut them out immediately. I know it's not down to me as most of my friends go out of their way to meet me with their DCs as I get on so well with kids, and several have asked me to be godmother, but some people just seem to go to another planet mentally when they have a baby. Leave them to it.

[Backarackhams]

Did she meet with you when the eldest was an only child? Seems very odd & there must be something else going on!

[Chloemol]

I don’t have kids, but have always met up with friends who do, and we normally do the fun things so the kids are not bored

I wouldn’t bother with her again. If she phones for a chat say sorry I am busy at the moment and can’t talk. If she starts complaining then just tell her the truth, and that others friends with kids are happy to met up with you

[notonmylife]

We used to meet up when eldest was young.
Even last year but only once or twice a year.
Since she's had her baby I've seen her once and that was November.
It's like she's turned into a stepford wife.

[ArthurMorgan]

My DD is 5 and is an only child. I regularly see my friend who doesn't have children, it's never for big days out and if we meet at her house I'll take some things for DD to be occupied with. Your friend is very rude and I'd definitely consider taking a few steps back from that.

[IdblowJonSnow]

This is horrible and unforgivable behaviour unless there is more to it.
I would ditch her. What a cheeky cow she is and agree with PP about her lack of compassion.
Feel quite angry on your behalf OP. I wouldn't treat anyone who doesn't have kids like that. Although I might think they would be bored rather than vice versa! Hope you have some other friends to hang around with.

[AdoreTheBeach]

Oh OP it’s not you. It’s her. Had my first child quite young and none of my friends had children. They can’t out with me doing things with him as well as evening things when I could get child care - but we are talking at least once a month

There was a 10 year age gap until I had my next - and moved country so whole new set of friends. Same thing. Did adult only things and things with the children. In fact, I had single friends from work joining us in the weekend going to farms, natural history museum and even after my third, was about 7 we did walking tours around London and oxford (things my DH didn’t want to do). This is all on your friend. I’m very sorry but as another poster said, she doesn’t value your friendship as much as you do hers. You’re very wise to decide to focus on your other friends who like to make plans with you (also another testament that it’s her not you, there are people who value your time and enjoy doing things with you and their kids).

[rayoflightboy]

Seems you are surplus to requirement,but expect a call in a few years when her kids are older and she has nobody else.

Move on,you sound great fun.And its her loss.

[secretllama]

From the title of the thread I was expecting it to be more like your friend organises things with other mums, in a forgetful/drifting apart due to life changes kind of way.

For her to actually reply to your suggestion of meeting up in the way she has done is just awful and disgusting tbh. I would absolutely cut this person put of my life.

[Soozikinzii]

Sometimes we have to break up with friends as well as romantic partners . I think that point has arrived. Ask yourself what are you getting from this friendship? If the answer is just a drain then end it.

[Dagnabit]

She sounds awful. One of my group of friends doesn’t have children but we would never leave her out. In fact, when the kids were younger, the extra pair of hands were useful and our kids all love her. How self-centred can a person be?!

[Sunny4876]

I'm so sorry she is being such a shit friend,it does seem as if this friendship has run its course unfortunately,she sounds very selfish.

[Ellie56]

My best friend couldn't have children but it made no difference to me.

My children adored her and she and her husband played a huge part in their lives as they were growing up.

When she died, three strapping young men all cried at her funeral.

[Redyellowpink]

I think I'm the opposite of your friend. I'm trying to find childfree friends (ahem ...But only because I feel so sidelined by my friends with DC). I'll hang out with you!

[CheetasOnFajitas]

This behaviour is not because she is a Mum, it is because she is an asshole. Forget about her and move on.

And if you want kids, you still have time (for one at least). I didn’t meet my husband till I was 2 years older than you and our son was born when I was 43.

And loads of women are happy single Mums with donor sperm these days. When I was single in my thirties I decided that it was not for me- too much work and was not sure if I’d like being a Mum. However now that I have a child I look back and think that it would have been pretty amazing and entirely manageable by myself.

[Lelophants]

she sounds awful! Does she know you can't have kids?
I do everything I can to meet up with non kid friends (albeit very distanced due to covid). If one of them actually suggested meeting in kid friendly places I would be so thankful!

You deserve better.

[CheetasOnFajitas]

@Soozikinzii

Sometimes we have to break up with friends as well as romantic partners . I think that point has arrived. Ask yourself what are you getting from this friendship? If the answer is just a drain then end it.

This. If you keep trying to change her mind you must have quite low self-esteem because you deserve better.

[IdblowJonSnow]

@Ellie56
That's lovely but also so sad.

[SerenDippitty]

Some people do know in their 30s that they'll never have kids. I was 39 when I finished IVF as I had no more eggs left due to premature ovarian failure.

OP I had "friends" like this too. She is no friend to you.