Friend won't meet with me because I don't have kids ..aibu ?

[notonmylife]

Hi I'm 35 and always wanted children but unfortunately never happened.
Been friends with my friend for 22 years (school friend) she means the world to me and were "best" friends.
We still text every week and she will ring me but she never wants to meet up anymore because I don't have children.
Her eldest is 7 and youngest nearly 1.
She doesn't have anyone to babysit so she has them every day /night.
I've asked her if she wants to meet up with kids obviously.
I've suggested going for lunch with soft play for kids/wildlife parks/beach/parks for picnics/cinema (kids movies ) etc etc
This is what she said to me
"I just want to stick to meeting friends who have Kids as "eldest" would be bored otherwise.
Last year she asked me to organise her baby shower and I sorted the venue/guests /food etc but I'm not invited to his 1st birthday.

I always wanted kids.
I love my friend like a sister and would love to be in her kids life too.
It's sad that she doesn't want to meet up.
She rang this morning for a chat,she was off to the beach with a friend (who has a 3 year old)

I'm so sad all the time.
Aibu to think we can still meet up in some capacity?

[Cactuslove]

I have a 2yr old ds and I'm pregnant. I have friends with and without kids. I don't see why she can't meet up with you and I actually think she sounds quite selfish. An hr of her time is not going to kill her 7yr old with boredom... especially when you're suggesting things suitable for them such as the park etc. I'm really sorry that you have been treated this way but from everything you've written you certainly don't deserve it. Focus on other friends is my advice- but I appreciate the loss your probably feeling.

[eatsleepread]

You sound so lovely and the best friend ever! You deserve better

[julybaby32]

OP, I have been there. Eldest being 7/8ish is probably the lowest bit. Before that and extra pair of hands to devote themselves to her child is useful. She may start wanting to get in touch more once her youngest starts secondary school. In my case, I kept in touch in a Christmas card one phone call a year way and the friend has started saying we must meet, we must talk more often. Realistically, I know that in a few years time I will most likely be dropped again for lack of grandchildren.
FreshStart seems to have gone out of the way to hurt and blame you for not having experienced exactly the same as your friend.
.

[StatementKnickers]

Frankly @FreshStart01 you sound like a crap friend too.

[FreshStart01]

I'm going to try to put this from your friends point of view, because I feel I was kind of there 10 years ago, and sadly I am no longer in touch my former 'best' friend who I had been close to since university.

Our relationship was initially based on a lot of drinking, partying, city breaks, going to the theatre... you get the picture. We both had slightly dysfunctional childhoods, difficult Fs but close with Ms, so I think that played a part in our friendship as well. We both suffered with depression at certain points over the years, or perhaps always but just more or less visible at certain points. I met my DH when I was 24, and I suppose it seemed plain sailing to anyone on the outside, although I certainly had my ups and downs, and getting pregnant when we decided we were ready wasn't instant, it took a couple of years of trying which was hard when everyone else around us seemed to be on baby no. 2 at least. Friend also got married, but it turned out unhappily with no children and I was as supportive as I could be (I think) but she moved back to the support network of her family which was a long way from where I lived. I think even before then we had drifted apart.

What I found hard was talking to her honestly about how I felt - the postnatal depression, the imposter syndrome with being a mum, and quite often the desire to just run away (I didn't find parenting hard, just mind numbing and frustrating most of the time) - when I knew she really wanted to have that life, settled with a husband and children, and a job I quite enjoyed. How could I complain about it when I really was incredibly lucky to have it?

It didn't exactly come to a head but I do remember a phone call when I think I was a bit short because we were on our way out, and then I'm ashamed to say I think I 'forgot' to call her back. I think she'd planned to visit but never followed up, and we exchanged Christmas cards then just stopped even doing that. It is sad, but on the other hand I think our friendship had run its course, and we'd both changed a lot. Keeping the friendship going had become an effort, without enough reward for either of us. Sometimes that happens.

I have another friend (from school) who, with her partner, decided not to have children. I completely respect that and perhaps because I've made no judgement on their decision, we're still close although we don't see/speak that often. I visit them with my 2 DCs and she's great at getting them playing board games or trailing round shops or parks with us, its just very chilled. Perhaps we don't have much in common but I find it a refreshing change to the child-centred relationships with 'mum friends'.

I suppose what I'm saying is perhaps its time to let go of your friendship for now, but try not to feel bitter about it because you don't know exactly what's going on in her life or inside her head. You feel like you need her support because you're having a tough time, but she might not have the energy or mental capacity to give you that right now, so she's pushing you away. But try not to lose all contact, because its those friendships from childhood that we might need to fall back on sometime in the future. My DH has friends from school who he sometimes goes years without seeing, then they hook up again, and he says they feel like family - he knows they'll be there for him if he really needs them. Give her a way back in for the future, don't cut all ties or end it in a finite way, and forgive her for the hurtful comments she's made as we all make mistakes.

As for your current situation, be kind to yourself, but try to be active and set yourself some goals that are just for you - not to meet a man or have a baby - but to learn a new skill or go to an exhibition or read a good book while you don't have a partner or children to worry about. You are strong, you are resilient and you do not know what the future holds. And you're certainly not old enough to think there's no hope of having your own family one day. Take care of yourself, and good luck!

[billy1966]

Absolute bitch.

Cut her lose.

You sound fab

[timeisnotaline]

She had a 1st birthday. Others attended.
She goes out with other friends. Do you really think there is some factor the ops not telling us that means she is a much bigger disease risk than everyone else?

[ddl1]

'I don’t think people should give the op hope it’s about the virus, it’s about being a horrible user. She asked the op to throw her a baby shower and didn’t invite her to the first birthday. It’s not the virus!'

The baby shower was last year; the first birthday is now; so the virus could still be a factor. However, if it is, the friend should say so, rather than implying that OP is somehow less worthy of her time because she doesn't have kids.

[Dillydallyingthrough]

Agree with everyone else your friend is bitch, I cant decide if it would be worth having an honest conversation with her and explain how hurt you are and then cut contact. Only because it may make her think about her behaviour, but that's up to you.

DF has no DC, mines a teen now, she would always suggest places like you when DD was little. God, it was amazing to have another adult (I was a SP with no childcare or support nearby). My DD calls her 'Aunty Rose', now DD is a teen they do things alone together (she actually took DD to her first concert as she is passionate about music). Again, its brilliant she has another adult to talk to and I know she is in safe hands.

[BoattoBolivia]

You do sound lovely op. My best friend has no children, through a collection of unfortunate circumstances and I have done everything I could to make sure she is an important person in their lives. She is the nearest thing they have to a godmother. She does day's out on her own with them, we all do things together and she and I do grown up things alone when we can. For me it is also vitally important to have a life away from children sometimes- she keeps me sane(ISH). Your friend has been horrible to you and it sounds as if you deserve far better.

[timeisnotaline]

I don’t think people should give the op hope it’s about the virus, it’s about being a horrible user. She asked the op to throw her a baby shower and didn’t invite her to the first birthday. It’s not the virus! And it’s not you op, you sound lovely.

[lottiegarbanzo]

The thing is, usually you can just ask your adult friend to come over to your own house and 'fit in' a cup of tea and a chat among your usual domestic activity. That's not true at the moment.

Arranging to go out, especially with DC of such different ages and stages, is a far bigger effort.

[lottiegarbanzo]

1. Stop saying 'I never had kids' as if that's all in the past, given you have no known medical cause for not becoming pregnant. You're 35, not 50!
   
   If you do want DC, get on with it! Your chances at 35-40 are much, much better than at 40+. Yes, lots of people do have babies at 40+ but you only hear about the success stories, not the majority who fail. At 35-39, the odds are with you.
   
   
2. The decent explanation for your friend's behaviour is virus-related caution and that she's limiting her social circle. Also, her 7yo may well be desperate to play with other children, especially having been away from school for four months. She may be prioritising his needs and not have time or energy to arrange additional meet-ups, with her own friends, much as she'd like to. Is it possible you're underestimating the effort of looking after a 1yo alongside a 7yo and overestimating the amount of time and energy she has left over for herself?
   
   Personally, I love meeting up with childless friends, with my DC. Provided they're sensitive to the DC's needs (which they are). It's great to have another adult, untied by their own DC and interested in interacting with my DC. But, my DC is pretty good at interacting with adults, sees my friends as her friends too and is interested in spending time with them (up to a point). Many DC wouldn't be interested, just desperate to play with their own friends.

[Snog]

It's really not normal behaviour OP.
I'd cut this friend loose and free up space for other friendships where people appreciate and value you - you sound lovely.

[ddl1]

It does occur to me that maybe she is limiting the number of people in her social 'bubble' due to present circumstances, and that you aren't seen as quite close enough to be among them. However, even saying so directly would be less hurtful (though still not very nice!) than all these comments about having kids as a criterion for meeting her.

[ddl1]

YANBU. She is being quite unreasonable and selfish. If she is really planning her meetings according to her older child being bored without other children, then this is bad training for the older child: children need to learn to deal with being 'bored' sometimes, and he could bring his toys and gadgets or you could visit him at his home, as WorraLiberty says. And you have suggested several child-friendly activities. And if this is in the UK, I assume that he has in any case had to spend quite a lot of time at home without children of his own age during the last few months, which makes the whole thing even odder. Maybe she has a partner who wants to control her friendships and distrusts anyone who has what he sees as a 'free' lifestyle; or maybe she has another friend who is jealous; or maybe she's just become inflexible - and rude - with time. In any case, she isn't much of a friend at present, and I would suggest devoting your time to your other good friends.

[Frannibananni]

She doesn’t want to spend time with you. Walk away.

[cinnabarmoth]

I have only one childless friend, a guy in his 60s. When I see him I mainly have my kid in tow. Sometimes we do something that my kid will enjoy, like museum, park etc. Sometimes we just go to his house and she might get a little bored, but that's okay.

I think your friend isn't much of a friend.

[CheetasOnFajitas]

@notonmylife

It's a shame,we used to be really close.
I haven't actually been told why I can't have kids,my last scan showed there was nothing stopping me but for some reason it never happened.
Then split with partner so it's deffo not going to happen now.
You hear about celebs having kids in 40s so there's always a hope I guess.

Not just celebs. It’s really common. There was a thread on here very recently with women sharing stories of birth in their forties. I told you mine upthread. And no partner is no obstacle any more.

[NewKittyMeow]

I had kids before a couple of my friends, and either socialise with them and DS, or sometimes without DS. It's obviously more fun for DS if we're socialising with my friends with children, but I'm not going to abandon my childless friends!

My parents had children quite a lot earlier than their friends, and they nearly always brought us with them when they socialised (during the day anyway). They became my honorary aunts and uncles and I'm still close to them now. Your friend is being a knob.

[notonmylife]

That is the top and bottom of it now isn't it.
She has no time for me.
If she wanted she could arrange something.
Even a hour at hers for a cuppa.
I won't be asking her again.
It's actually worse than if a guy you were seeing did it ..I never thought she would.

[Thisischaos]

I’m so sorry but this person is not a friend to you anymore.

Whether either of you have kids or not, you can come to a compromise on how to meet up if you really want to. She just gives you awful, condescending excuses and clearly has no time for you now. I’ve never heard of another mum being so utterly blunt and mean to their child-free friend, most of us are not like her so move on from this ‘friendship’ and seek some decent people to spend time with

[Dee1975]

I have a mum and love meeting with non mum friends! Lots of reasons:

• they get lots of attention from friend (as she’s not dealing with about any herself)
  
• they learn I have a life a too and that it’s only fair I get to meet friends too.
  
• I get to meet my friend!
  

So what if her ‘eldest’ would get board! Your friend sounds completely unreasonable. She is the one losing out ....

[notonmylife]

Yes she's still with her partner and he only works 5 days out of 7.
She could choose to meet up on them days but she doesn't.
She mostly is in her family bubble now I think.

[TheWayOfTheWorld]

*does not involve any children