Friend won't meet with me because I don't have kids ..aibu ?

[notonmylife]

Hi I'm 35 and always wanted children but unfortunately never happened.
Been friends with my friend for 22 years (school friend) she means the world to me and were "best" friends.
We still text every week and she will ring me but she never wants to meet up anymore because I don't have children.
Her eldest is 7 and youngest nearly 1.
She doesn't have anyone to babysit so she has them every day /night.
I've asked her if she wants to meet up with kids obviously.
I've suggested going for lunch with soft play for kids/wildlife parks/beach/parks for picnics/cinema (kids movies ) etc etc
This is what she said to me
"I just want to stick to meeting friends who have Kids as "eldest" would be bored otherwise.
Last year she asked me to organise her baby shower and I sorted the venue/guests /food etc but I'm not invited to his 1st birthday.

I always wanted kids.
I love my friend like a sister and would love to be in her kids life too.
It's sad that she doesn't want to meet up.
She rang this morning for a chat,she was off to the beach with a friend (who has a 3 year old)

I'm so sad all the time.
Aibu to think we can still meet up in some capacity?

[littlebirdieblue]

I'm so sorry your 'friend' is treating you like this. My absolute best friend who I see several times a week has no children and no plans for any and I have 6 but it has not altered our friendship one little bit. We're both in our 40's now and we've been best friends for 23 years. Having children shouldn't change your friendship, I really think you need to find a new friend. So sorry

[GenevaL]

You sound really lovely and she sounds awful.

[Icequeen01]

My DH and I didn't have a child until we had been married for 14 years. This meant that a lot of our friends had children years before we did but we still met up with them. We went to child friendly places so the kids weren't bored and where I or my DH were happy to push them on a swing etc but we were still able to catch up with our friends. They did the same for us when we eventually got around to having our DS and most of their kids were then teenagers.

She's definitely no friend and I would cut ties with her to be honest. Don't waste time on people like this.

[WhereamI88]

Has nothing to do with her having kids. She's a knob and an arsehole. Birthing a child does not change one's personality. She's not your friend.

[Crystal87]

She's not a true friend. The thing with these mum friendships is that they can be superficial and end up fizzling out eventually if you base the friendship on your kids, not the fact you actually like each other or have things in common.
On the other hand as a mum of four myself I do find it hard to arrange things with people as it's hard work doing things to suit everyone while still keeping an eye on the kids. Maybe she's meeting up with mum friends as a means of occupying the kids and passing time rather than sustaining friendship.

[ShouldWeChangeTheBulb]

Why would you event entertain this ‘friendship’. A three year old is unlikely to be much company for a 7 year old anyway.
Would like she’s just not that into you x

[BlingLoving]

I assume she's still with her partner? And yet, there's no option for her to go out and leave him with the kids? Admittedly,y, with a less than 1 year old, especially if breastfeeding, this can be tricky but shouldn't be impossible. So your step ford wife comment might be more accurate than you realise. Do you have any reason to think he's controlling? That he doesn't like her spending time with her because he sees you as a "bad influence" or inappropriate

[Annierose293]

That's really sad. I don't understand her way of thinking at all.
I'm a Mum and would happily meet up with friends who don't have children. I don't see an issue at all.
You have been very accommodating in suggesting activities to suit her children.
She needs to realise how hurtful she is being.
I wouldn't class her as a true friend at all.

[BikeTyson]

She doesn’t sound like a good friend at all. I’m sorry. This isn’t a mum thing at all.

[2Kidsinatrenchcoat]

None of my closest friends have kids, I prefer it that way because I find hanging out with large groups of kids really stressful, it’s hard to find time to meet up with my friends who do have kids because we have to fit around different routines/nap times etc and it’s always cut short by someone’s kids getting grumpy, plus my kids are a novelty to my childless friends so they’re happy to play with them and give me a bit of a break.

She’s not a good friend and you’d be better off not trying to keep the friendship going.

[TheWayOfTheWorld]

@notonmylife

Is this how it is ?
I'm assuming a lot of you are mums?
Would you be like this ?
Would you not bother with someone if they have no kids ?

No it is not. One of my closest friends doesn't have children - I have known her for over 30 years but she has never spoken of why this is (and I haven't asked, she is very private and I know she would bring it up if she wanted to talk about it) - and we meet up just the two of us and also with other friends that do and don't have children. We go for dinner, afternoon tea, spa days, weekends away etc that does involve any children. Talk does sometimes touch on children/child related matters but (a) the mothers don't bang on about it and (b) my friend without children joins in.

When the children were younger we would meet up with them in tow - she would come to my house, the park, a cafe etc. I don't specifically recall going to soft play but I would bitten her arm off!

You sound very thoughtful and kind OP, your friend less so - she doesn't seem like much of a friend at all in fact and seems rather preoccupied with her "speschul" status as a mother and one of those tedious people whose whole life revolves around their children

[TheWayOfTheWorld]

*does not involve any children

[notonmylife]

Yes she's still with her partner and he only works 5 days out of 7.
She could choose to meet up on them days but she doesn't.
She mostly is in her family bubble now I think.

[Dee1975]

I have a mum and love meeting with non mum friends! Lots of reasons:

• they get lots of attention from friend (as she’s not dealing with about any herself)
  
• they learn I have a life a too and that it’s only fair I get to meet friends too.
  
• I get to meet my friend!
  

So what if her ‘eldest’ would get board! Your friend sounds completely unreasonable. She is the one losing out ....

[Thisischaos]

I’m so sorry but this person is not a friend to you anymore.

Whether either of you have kids or not, you can come to a compromise on how to meet up if you really want to. She just gives you awful, condescending excuses and clearly has no time for you now. I’ve never heard of another mum being so utterly blunt and mean to their child-free friend, most of us are not like her so move on from this ‘friendship’ and seek some decent people to spend time with

[notonmylife]

That is the top and bottom of it now isn't it.
She has no time for me.
If she wanted she could arrange something.
Even a hour at hers for a cuppa.
I won't be asking her again.
It's actually worse than if a guy you were seeing did it ..I never thought she would.

[NewKittyMeow]

I had kids before a couple of my friends, and either socialise with them and DS, or sometimes without DS. It's obviously more fun for DS if we're socialising with my friends with children, but I'm not going to abandon my childless friends!

My parents had children quite a lot earlier than their friends, and they nearly always brought us with them when they socialised (during the day anyway). They became my honorary aunts and uncles and I'm still close to them now. Your friend is being a knob.

[CheetasOnFajitas]

@notonmylife

It's a shame,we used to be really close.
I haven't actually been told why I can't have kids,my last scan showed there was nothing stopping me but for some reason it never happened.
Then split with partner so it's deffo not going to happen now.
You hear about celebs having kids in 40s so there's always a hope I guess.

Not just celebs. It’s really common. There was a thread on here very recently with women sharing stories of birth in their forties. I told you mine upthread. And no partner is no obstacle any more.

[cinnabarmoth]

I have only one childless friend, a guy in his 60s. When I see him I mainly have my kid in tow. Sometimes we do something that my kid will enjoy, like museum, park etc. Sometimes we just go to his house and she might get a little bored, but that's okay.

I think your friend isn't much of a friend.

[Frannibananni]

She doesn’t want to spend time with you. Walk away.

[ddl1]

YANBU. She is being quite unreasonable and selfish. If she is really planning her meetings according to her older child being bored without other children, then this is bad training for the older child: children need to learn to deal with being 'bored' sometimes, and he could bring his toys and gadgets or you could visit him at his home, as WorraLiberty says. And you have suggested several child-friendly activities. And if this is in the UK, I assume that he has in any case had to spend quite a lot of time at home without children of his own age during the last few months, which makes the whole thing even odder. Maybe she has a partner who wants to control her friendships and distrusts anyone who has what he sees as a 'free' lifestyle; or maybe she has another friend who is jealous; or maybe she's just become inflexible - and rude - with time. In any case, she isn't much of a friend at present, and I would suggest devoting your time to your other good friends.

[ddl1]

It does occur to me that maybe she is limiting the number of people in her social 'bubble' due to present circumstances, and that you aren't seen as quite close enough to be among them. However, even saying so directly would be less hurtful (though still not very nice!) than all these comments about having kids as a criterion for meeting her.

[Snog]

It's really not normal behaviour OP.
I'd cut this friend loose and free up space for other friendships where people appreciate and value you - you sound lovely.

[lottiegarbanzo]

1. Stop saying 'I never had kids' as if that's all in the past, given you have no known medical cause for not becoming pregnant. You're 35, not 50!
   
   If you do want DC, get on with it! Your chances at 35-40 are much, much better than at 40+. Yes, lots of people do have babies at 40+ but you only hear about the success stories, not the majority who fail. At 35-39, the odds are with you.
   
   
2. The decent explanation for your friend's behaviour is virus-related caution and that she's limiting her social circle. Also, her 7yo may well be desperate to play with other children, especially having been away from school for four months. She may be prioritising his needs and not have time or energy to arrange additional meet-ups, with her own friends, much as she'd like to. Is it possible you're underestimating the effort of looking after a 1yo alongside a 7yo and overestimating the amount of time and energy she has left over for herself?
   
   Personally, I love meeting up with childless friends, with my DC. Provided they're sensitive to the DC's needs (which they are). It's great to have another adult, untied by their own DC and interested in interacting with my DC. But, my DC is pretty good at interacting with adults, sees my friends as her friends too and is interested in spending time with them (up to a point). Many DC wouldn't be interested, just desperate to play with their own friends.

[lottiegarbanzo]

The thing is, usually you can just ask your adult friend to come over to your own house and 'fit in' a cup of tea and a chat among your usual domestic activity. That's not true at the moment.

Arranging to go out, especially with DC of such different ages and stages, is a far bigger effort.