Friend won't meet with me because I don't have kids ..aibu ?

[notonmylife]

Hi I'm 35 and always wanted children but unfortunately never happened.
Been friends with my friend for 22 years (school friend) she means the world to me and were "best" friends.
We still text every week and she will ring me but she never wants to meet up anymore because I don't have children.
Her eldest is 7 and youngest nearly 1.
She doesn't have anyone to babysit so she has them every day /night.
I've asked her if she wants to meet up with kids obviously.
I've suggested going for lunch with soft play for kids/wildlife parks/beach/parks for picnics/cinema (kids movies ) etc etc
This is what she said to me
"I just want to stick to meeting friends who have Kids as "eldest" would be bored otherwise.
Last year she asked me to organise her baby shower and I sorted the venue/guests /food etc but I'm not invited to his 1st birthday.

I always wanted kids.
I love my friend like a sister and would love to be in her kids life too.
It's sad that she doesn't want to meet up.
She rang this morning for a chat,she was off to the beach with a friend (who has a 3 year old)

I'm so sad all the time.
Aibu to think we can still meet up in some capacity?

[lyralalala]

@notonmylife

Is this how it is ?
I'm assuming a lot of you are mums?
Would you be like this ?
Would you not bother with someone if they have no kids ?

My closest friend doesn't have children. I have 6.

When I was a single Mum of 2 I didn't really have much babysitting options so we had coffee at soft play, pizza at mine after the girls were asleep, and because she enjoyed kids she was often a second adult on trips to the zoo. It took effort on her part because there was a few years where I couldn't really do adult only stuff, but she stuck in because we were friends. She actually has a lovely relationship with my kids, especially my 2 elder girls.

Another friend and I drifted apart, but that was because she only wanted to do nights out clubbing - which is totally her perogative, but I just couldn't.

It's not you. It's her.

[HowFastIsTooFast]

I'm sorry OP, but she sounds quite mad. I don't have kids yet but that's never stopped me socialising with friends who do, and I'd be heartbroken if it did as I love the kids just as much as their parents and adore being 'Auntie HowFast' to them.

You've got every right to be upset.

If I were you I'd try to have a frank conversation with her. Perhaps she thinks YOU'D be bored on an outing with her DC so is trying to somehow save you from that, albeit very clumsily? One friend of mine has a tendency to apologise if we do something with the kids in tow, despite that I love it and would see them more often given the chance.

[LittleSF]

Four of my closest friends don’t have kids and I wouldn’t treat them like this in a million years! I usually try to meet them without mine tagging along (for a break for me and because you do need to keep them occupied while you chat) but on occasion I do bring them and it’s grand. My friend’s are interested and chat with my 7 year old and it’s fine. Your friend is being at best thoughtless and at worst cruel.

[MummBraTheEverLeaking]

Her eldest will be a teen before she knows it, he'll be off with his mates; but if she's all keen to meet you then I hope you tell her where to go. The sheer cheek of using you to organise her baby shower but not good enough elsewhere, I'm afraid she's a user and also incredibly cruel as she must know how you would have loved children of your own. And what 3 year old is going to entertain a "bored" 7 year old on a beach trip eh, that's a shit excuse too.

I'd step away for your own sake, don't answer the phone to her anymore, she can find someone else for a chat (to use) elsewhere

[blagaaw99]

OP, she doesn't sound like a friend, sorry

[notonmylife]

@lyralalala that sounds lovely.
I would love to do things like that with her but I guess In her eyes I'm a second class citizen.

[lifesnotaspectatorsport]

She sounds horrid. I have 3 kids and a couple of my very good friends are child-free by choice. We still see each other and if it's daytime that will be somewhere kid-friendly just like you suggested. It's great having another pair of hands to be honest! Mine are younger but I would have thought a 7 year old needs less entertaining if anything. They can chat or play games/ watch iPad etc.

Also why can't you go over to hers in the evening when her kids are asleep?

I would challenge her directly on this and explain how you're feeling. If she doesn't change, it's time to find a new friend.

[Bootskates]

November?

I would definitely move on, sorry.

You sound very kind and accommodating but this particular friend doesn't appreciate or deserve this

[blagaaw99]

PS You sound lovely

[Katjolo]

She's not being kind at all. Is it worth telling her how you feel?

[icedaisy]

No you are not a second class citizen, it's her, she's a bitch and you deserve better.

My oldest friend did a sort of reverse of this to me. I went everywhere helping her with her three children. Struggled for 15 years with infertility. Finally had Dd and she won't meet up as she's done the baby stage and can't be arsed with it again. Some people are just nasty.

[OverTheRainbow88]

I see my good friend who hasn’t got kids in the eve when mine are asleep and OH isn’t working away.

Otherwise if I see her with the kids I feel like we never get to chat really as I’m chasing around the kids hoping the won’t fall off something/run into road etc

I mainly see her without my kids for my own sake though so I can relax and enjoy our chat without my head spinning around

[lyralalala]

[quote notonmylife]@lyralalala that sounds lovely.
I would love to do things like that with her but I guess In her eyes I'm a second class citizen.[/quote]
Your friend is mad. As a single parent, at the time, my friend loving kids stuff was an absolute blessing for me because a second adult was such a help.
Maybe say to her once that you do X child activity and y child activity with x friend so would love to spend time with her and her kids, then leave it up to her. If she realises she's being daft and fixes it then great. If not I would let her go and focus on your other friends.

[Floralnomad]

This is not normal and she’s not a friend so stop wasting time on her .

[DrManhattan]

Bin her off. She's using you.

[TweetUsOnFacebook]

That's awful. You sound really lovely, op.
She doesn't deserve you.

One day her kids will be grown (it goes fast!) and she's risking you not being around for her.

Friendships take effort on both sides. I would let this one slide and put effort into the ones that appreciate you

[Goinghometocallie]

Is it possible you’ve been out with her and kids and possibly been caught eye rolling or something?
I found it hard to hang out with my friends with no kids when I had them because they were a bit... hard to explain... perhaps they just had the same expectations I had before kids. That you could still have an adult conversation for one!
I wouldn’t have been so rude about it, or maybe I would if I felt they were secretly judging my parenting skills and or wanting way more out of me than I could possibly give with two kids demanding attention every 5 seconds.

[EmbarrassedUser]

She’s not your friend.

[Gogogadgetarms]

No it’s not normal.
My best friend doesn’t have children. We visit her regularly as a family and she’ll come to us or meet at a playground or soft play but I also have dinner in the evenings with her minus my DC. She loves spending time with them and quite clearly loves them. She’s been in their lives since day 1 and comes to their birthday parties (work and other commitments permitting).
I think your friend sounds really mean to be honest.

[Goinghometocallie]

Maybe just have an honest convo with her first. Ask her if she finds it hard to have kids when your around or does she just not want you around because she doesn’t like hanging round with you.

[SparkleM]

Many of my friends have grown up kids. I meet them with my son without other children. He loves the adult attention and we go to the sort of places you’ve suggested to your friend. You sound like a lovely friend, she sounds like a user. You deserve better.

[Ilovesandwiches]

If she was a decent mate she’d tell her child they need to get over it. I’m sure they’re not with their friends 24/7! You deserve better than that, and friends who are going to want to actually see you, with or without children! I hope you’re okay xxx

[zigaziga]

Is this how it is ?
I'm assuming a lot of you are mums?
Would you be like this ?
Would you not bother with someone if they have no kids ?

No. I would expect the friend to understand that I have to come with kids most of the time and I wouldn’t be able to make everything (wouldn’t be comfortable missing bedtime for toddler) but if they were happy to meet I would totally go for it. It sounds like you don’t expect her to find a babysitter so she’s totally BU.

One of my best friends suffered for a long time trying unsuccessfully to have children and I tried to meet her without kids where I could (eg meet in pub with my DH stationed 5 mins away should the then baby need me etc) but it often wasn’t feasible. Both friends make the effort normally in a friendship.

[Ishihtzuknot]

This is no friendship, it’s a convenience. Is there ever a possibility she hints at you babysitting for her? I was the first of my friends to have children and I continued to meet them all regularly, with and without my children in tow. No one minded and we had fun. It’s a petty excuse to avoid seeing a friend. I wouldn’t be contacting her again personally.

[Viviennemary]

She sounds really selfish. Don't bother with her.