Friend won't meet with me because I don't have kids ..aibu ?

[notonmylife]

Hi I'm 35 and always wanted children but unfortunately never happened.
Been friends with my friend for 22 years (school friend) she means the world to me and were "best" friends.
We still text every week and she will ring me but she never wants to meet up anymore because I don't have children.
Her eldest is 7 and youngest nearly 1.
She doesn't have anyone to babysit so she has them every day /night.
I've asked her if she wants to meet up with kids obviously.
I've suggested going for lunch with soft play for kids/wildlife parks/beach/parks for picnics/cinema (kids movies ) etc etc
This is what she said to me
"I just want to stick to meeting friends who have Kids as "eldest" would be bored otherwise.
Last year she asked me to organise her baby shower and I sorted the venue/guests /food etc but I'm not invited to his 1st birthday.

I always wanted kids.
I love my friend like a sister and would love to be in her kids life too.
It's sad that she doesn't want to meet up.
She rang this morning for a chat,she was off to the beach with a friend (who has a 3 year old)

I'm so sad all the time.
Aibu to think we can still meet up in some capacity?

[pigsDOfly]

@notonmylife

Is this how it is ?
I'm assuming a lot of you are mums?
Would you be like this ?
Would you not bother with someone if they have no kids ?

My elder DD is the same age as you OP and also doesn't have children..

She has loads of friends with children as does her younger sister. She meets up regularly with her friends and her sister - at least she did before Covid - and the children love her.

She spends time with her friends chatting and interacts and play with the children at the same time.

I spend quite a lot of time with my DD and her children - we're in a bubble - we chat grown up stuff and I play with the children.

Children can have many different relationships, not all of them have to involve having other children around.

Far from being 'how it is' I think your friend is a bit odd and is causing her child to miss out if she thinks other adults have nothing to offer her child in the way of companionship.

[Illdealwithitinaminute]

notonmylife it's not you, it really is her. I don't know any mums like this. I have several friends with older or no children and this doesn't factor into our decisions to meet up. I've never heard of this.

I think you have to accept that this friendship is dead in the water, she doesn't want to meet up and that's that. It's really sad, but she seems to be very much 'mummy' and not wanting anything outside that. This can't work in a friendship over time. Sorry.

[olderthanilookapparently]

That is really sad for you and her too, I have a close friend with no kids who to be honest is better on a day out that a mate with kids as she is completely engaged with them - she is like an extra aunty to them and they both value her friendship differently to their friends mums - its good for the kids to have different adults in their life as they grow older

Its a shame but I am not sure there is much you can do other than ask her directly why she can't meet you at this point being blunt isn't going to upset the friendship any more

[LauraPalmerViolet]

You sound lovely OP! I always worry that any friends of mine without children get fed up with doing kid things so try to do a mixture of some adult only and some family time with them. She should count herself very lucky to have a friend like you that is happy to do kid friendly things. If you’re not getting anything positive out of the friendship, perhaps time to gently let it slide. People change, especially after such a long time, no shame at all in you being incompatible as friends right now.

[Durgasarrow]

Your friend sounds horrible. I would LOVE to have a friend like you. You sound flexible, kind, tolerant of children, and single, so you have a life of your own and other interesting things to talk about besides kids! I would find you an absolute treasure. She may not know what she's missing, but trust me, there are a lot of other people who would treasure a friend like you.

[Yetiyoga]

I don't have children but my best friend has 2. I am basically an auntie in their eyes and we are extremely close. They get sad if my friend has seen me without them (but we definitely still get time on our own too as I think it is important for my friend to have a break from the kids too!) I live away (2ish hours) and she is in my hometown. I usually visit once a month or so and usually pop over for the day to spend time with the kids then me and my friend will slip out for food or something. When I've bought my own house the kids want to come and sleepover and I can't wait.

It is sad your friend is being like this. Many people can't have children and by having children it doesn't put you in some magic club where you can no longer be friends with people without children.

[mindutopia]

I have two, close in age to hers, and honestly, I find it much easier to meet up with friends who don't have kids. It's hard enough to carry on a conversation when one of you is constantly distracted. It's twice as difficult when it's both of you. My 7 year old is perfectly capable of entertaining herself (or would sit and join in the conversation, as long as it was age appropriate). My toddler would be much more of a challenge, but that's because he's 2, not because a friend didn't bring someone along to entertain him (young children don't really 'play with' other young children anyway).

I would say until the past year nearly all of our close friends did not have children, and it was lovely to see them. They had so much more flexibility too, so it made it much easier to organise. I wonder actually if your friend is struggling with the fact that you have the option for spontaneity and a different sort of life than she does (with several young dc and no breaks or support), and that's the reason she is less keen to see you.

[Fairylightsdreamer]

I’m so sorry she’s treating you like this. No it’s absolutely not how it is when you have children. The thing that usually makes meeting with friends without children is if they want to meet in places that aren’t very child friendly. It sounds like you’ve bent over backwards to suggest places that are ideal for the children to play while you catch up too. I’m sorry she’s treating you badly.

[Fairylightsdreamer]

Just to add you sound like a wonderful friend and I love catching up with my friends without children.

[MumsyMumIAmNot]

Don't think she likes you sorry.

[KatherineJaneway]

She doesn't have anyone to babysit

Utter rubbish. Unless she is short of funds, she doesn't want to find someone to babysit.

[notalwaysalondoner]

Both my good friends with babies still meet up, I get that it’s easier when they’re little as they don’t get bored, but still. Sometimes the father watches them while we meet up just us for dinner/drinks, other times they bring them along for coffee. Even with older children, my mum’s two best friends were childfree and we used to see them regularly. They didn’t live locally so sometimes she’d visit them for a weekend without us, other times she’d just take one of us to stay with them which was a big treat. I think your friend is sadly prioritising her elder child’s boredom over your friendship.

Is she a single mother? Could she see you without the older one sometimes when he’s on a play date? Could you be more pushy eg say “can I come” when she mentioned the beach? But I think you should either move on, or have an open conversation with her where you explain how much it’s upsetting you and make some of the suggestions above.

[DishingOutDone]

as long as you accept that most outings will be entirely about the kids then there is no reason at all for this attitude - I used to love getting another pair of hands and an "Auntie" and so did my kids!

Interestingly though I do have experience of this - a friend who has one boy I've known her since he was around 7 or 8, my kids were older so we always tried to accommodate him but he only wanted his Mum to play with - so we'd go to the park, get everyone set up for a picnic and hoped he'd go on the play equipment but within about 5 minutes he'd want to go home as he hated his mum talking to me. In the house, however, he seemed fine as he'd go on his devices and play games etc.

We have actually stopped seeing each other as it wasn't working - we'd be indoors having lunch, he'd be content on his games or with toys in his room and then she'd insist we all go out for a walk - the minute we got outside he'd be bored.

Second friend, I'd always visit her at home so that her kids weren't bored, again they wouldn't play together just wanted Mum all the time and if they saw us sitting and talking they'd be hysterical. That was hard to manage at a park. In the house they would do the same thing but at least she could put them down for a nap or let them play in their rooms, put a DVD etc.

So I can see maybe there is a dynamic coming in that isn't initially clear? I've got 2 DC who are so close in age same interests etc that even from a very young age they would play well together, and when visitors came they were so intrigued/pleased to see them they'd sit in mute admiration or insist the visitor was included in their games; which I imagine is what you'd like OP? And why not, sounds ideal.

Sometimes I think its almost as if people give off a vibe to their kids that "this person doesn't matter" meaning that their company is seen as an irritation.

[learningtofly543]

A 3 year old is no company for a 7 year old either...

My dc at 7 loved meeting up with childless adults, as they could talk their heads off at them, and get sole attention back. I never got a look in.

[PurpleDaisies]

She sounds absolutely horrible.

[Savingshoes]

I love meeting with friends who don't have children. Although I feel slightly guilty when mine start acting up and they've got to endure me snapping at my children, it's nice send my children into a play something and talk to an adult that says "oh mine do that too". I like listening about their completely different life and I often sit and ask myself how long it took them to leave the house etc.

[ColourMeExhausted]

Oh OP I'm sorry. She is not a good friend to have. I have two DC and if anything, work even harder to keep my relationships with friends who don't have DC strong. I can't go out on big nights as frequently as I did but I do everything I can to be there for them - and always try and accommodate them and invite them to join me and the DC. I think you might be best walking away from her, as sad as this will b e. A true friendship may be changed by circumstances but it should endure, and she is not a true friend to you. You deserve much better.

[Gingerfish91]

Oh she sounds horrible 🙁

[wheretonow123]

I don't normally recommend this but why don't you print off this thread and send it to hr?

[Survivingchipandkippee]

You sound a good friend and you would enrich her children’s lives. Ultimately it is her loss. I’d rethink the relationship though as it sounds you give a lot and she doesn’t.

[PurpleDaisies]

@wheretonow123

I don't normally recommend this but why don't you print off this thread and send it to hr?

How would that help?

I’m sure she’d be pretty pissed off at bring the subject of an Internet discussion.

[Jourdain11]

I had kids younger than many of my friends (by accident rather than by design!) and never felt it was an issue to meet up with friends who didn't have children. It helps maybe that my three are close in age (8, 7 and 5) and will usually be quite content to play with each other. Now, a lot of my friends from uni have kids much younger than mine, but it is never an issue of them getting bored if we meet together with our children. Mine used to enjoy being the centre of attention (as the "only children") and now they enjoy doting over my friends' babies!

You sound too good for your friend!

[Jent13c]

Most of my friends don't have kids. I meet up with my best friend once a week for a walk after the kids are in bed. We will see anyone during the day at cafes or parks or anyones house. I'm quite strict on bedtime so if its dinner then we would mostly have friends to ours so we don't have to leave at 7pm. I've also met friends at a local carvery with a soft play so we get a fine meal while my toddler plays. I wont meet in fancy restaurants with the kids, I always feel a bit judged.

So no I would not exclude people without kids. In all honesty I probably prefer them because I don't enjoy speaking about the kids the whole time. My kids are very close with our friends. I don't particularly like going out without my children so the vast majority of the time my friends would have to accept that they will be there but probably about twice a year we will get a babysitter and meet them for a fancy meal.

[Charlottejbt]

She's not nice at all. My best friend is childless and the kids love seeing her. If you've been friends sine childhood, it shouldn't matter if the other person is childed or childless, in a relationship or single, etc etc. I really dislike people who only socialise with friends whose family circumstances are a mirror image of their own. It's so petty. Find better friends!!

[Skysblue]

I have a child and I love meeting up with my friends whether or not they have children! Your friend is being really rude.

One thing I have noticed is that when you have a child (and I’m so sorry that didn’t work out for you - virtual hug), it becomes very easy to make new friends at toddler groups etc. This does lead some people to just ditch all their former friends and hang out with their new crowd, I don’t really know why they do this. Had a few people do it to me: great friends before kids but now our kids are at diff schools they only want to bother with the school mums from their school / who live nearest. I guess it shows who is a real friend and who is shallow and just hangs out with whoever is nearest.

It sounds like the friendship isn’t salvageable but if was me I would tell her how hurtful she was being. (It won’t change her though.)