Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sexual language from teenage daughter to boys

215 replies

Upsidedownrightnow · 05/08/2020 22:49

My daughter has just turned 13, I took away her phone and ipad recently as she was having conversations with a boy which were very inappropriate.

She had a brick phone after that which I have also taken away as she was messaging this boy again.

I had an old phone lying around and she has recently been using it to play music she said. I was abit suspicious and tried checking the phone to see if she has had any apps to message on and I didn't see any.

Tonight I caught her messaging on ticktock on the phone she said she was using to play music.

I have tried explaining calmly that she should not speaking like that etc, but she is being sneaky and finding ways to message this boy.

She is far too young to have sexual conversations and I am not sure what to do to stop her.

When I try to speak to her about it she is also quite rude, if my parents found out i was talking this way I wouldn't have been rude I would have been so embarrassed and worried my dad would kill me.

This now means she cannot go out with friends as she can't be trusted, I can't even leave her alone to do work on my laptop as I am sure she has a way to message this boy on there too.

The language is just so inappropriate and I am trying to teach her about self respect and getting no where. What can I do?

OP posts:
lukasiak · 05/08/2020 22:55

She's 13. It's a little too late to put Genie back in the bottle as the old saying goes. Kid's of that age will use sexual language with one another, it's not something you can control or necessarily try to control (provided she's talking to others her own age). If she's decided it's something she's interested in, the best thing you can do is help her foster a healthy relationship towards sex and consent and her body, not tattle on about tales about how your dad wanted to kill her. It's not going to stop anything, it's just going to make her sneaky. As you've already discovered.

Bunnybigears · 05/08/2020 22:59

In what way is it inappropriate? my 13 year old boy uses very different language on snap chat, DMs etc than he would in real life, its just banter in their eyes. I know of several of DSs peers who have engaged in sexuql activity in one way or another. I have had a very frank discussion with him about being save both online and in real life and now its down to him.

Original poster
Upsidedownrightnow · 05/08/2020 23:29

as far as I am concerned there is no such thing as sexual consent for a 13 year old, she is too young to give consent.

inappropriate as in sexual conversations

I have also discussed with dd safety online and in real life, and have done for a long time but she keeps going against everything i have told her

OP posts:
lukasiak · 05/08/2020 23:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

imissthesouth · 05/08/2020 23:52

Unfortunately unless you lock her down and strip your home of internet access, she's going to try and message this boy. It's like the forbidden fruit, the more you restrict it the more she wants it. Definitely sit her down and explain why she shouldn't talk like that and why you want her to stay offline. Teens can be testing unfortunately, but we was all one once!

Original poster
Upsidedownrightnow · 05/08/2020 23:53

So should I just allow her to have whatever sexual conversations she wants with boys and only explain how to be safe and use contraception etc?

I think as a mother I should also try to prevent her from talking about things which are not appropriate language for her age.

OP posts:
Original poster
Upsidedownrightnow · 05/08/2020 23:56

I have already on several occasions explained why she shouldn't talk like that, how she is a young lady and the language that has been used shouldn't be used by her and the impression she is giving out of herself etc

It has made no difference

OP posts:
Yellowcakestand · 05/08/2020 23:56

I agree with you OP. 13 is still a child!! What is she saying? Id be worried this person isn't who they say they are. Sounds like grooming.. Sounds as if she can't be trusted or is easily led astray. I'd be worried too xx

lukasiak · 05/08/2020 23:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JennyWr3n · 06/08/2020 00:00

Fucking hell - some of the responses on here are mad

My youngest is 13. There is NO WAY I'd be applying some of the lax parenting detailed above. 13 is still very young and no, it's not normal for these children to be engaging in sexual chat. I mean, do you really need to ask?

You explain it's not happening. You explain why ('you are 13' covers it nicely) and you chat consistently about how we keep safe online.

Remove tik tok too

Don't be afraid to parent. Nothing should be left up to a teenage to do once you've explained the dangers to them (absolutely crap advice above) - it's your job to monitor and intervene and educate at this age

Iggi999 · 06/08/2020 00:03

I have a just turned 13 year old boy and he would also have his phone removed if I saw this - he wouldn't as he is still at a girls-yuck stage and isn't much into puberty. The boy she messages is either just saying what he's heard elsewhere, is advanced for 13, or is older than 13, imo.
I would not be accepting of sexual activity in a child and would ground him rather than let this happen. Couple of years makes a lot of difference at this age, I'd feel differently worth a 15 year old.

PickwickThePlockingDodo · 06/08/2020 00:09

Who is the boy, OP, do you know him? I'd be very concerned too.
Mn is like a parallel world sometimes.

people do what they want when it comes to sex
This is a (just!)13 year old CHILD Confused

katy1213 · 06/08/2020 00:10

I can't believe the lax responses either. I'd have every phone and device in the bin and if she wants music she can listen to the radio. Surely you can lock her out of your laptop? Or keep it in a locked drawer?

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 06/08/2020 00:10

OP I. Work in the area of sexual offending, could you try and just be straight with her that it is very very likely that teenage boy is in fact what she might perceive as 'an old man' getting his kicks and masturbating over an underaged child being sexually exploited, be as blunt as you like with your language try and conjur up a very unappealing image in her mind. It does very much sounds like the pattern of grooming. You could also report to ceops if you think the person may be older than your daughter, it's a simple online process, just Google it. You can also ask the school if they are available or your local social care early help team for some support and intervention, they will have preventative work they can do with young people vulnerable to online exploitation, because even if this one is a teenage boy there every chance the next won't be.
It appalls me to read some of the replies here, your daughter is very much a child. I would agree though that telling her to behave or 'be ladylike' is very unlikely to have any impact.

Original poster
Upsidedownrightnow · 06/08/2020 00:15

I have also stopped dd going out to meet friends as she can't be trusted.

The thing that is very difficult is if she needs to use my laptop she finds a way to message. She found my old phone and used that.

I think i will have to hide all electronics in the house and she can only use the laptop if she is sitting next to me.

I am really struggling with her behaviour and now she is ruining her summer as she can't be trusted with a phone or to meet friends or anything.

I just want her to have self respect and the way she is talking I do not feel she does.

OP posts:
thetimehasbegan · 06/08/2020 00:16

She's 13 years old!!! Still a child! What is wrong with some people on here honestly 😖

I think if it were me, I would be removing all electronics that she could communicate through, no phone, iPad, laptop etc. I would then have a discussion with her and ask what she personally is getting out of speaking like that with him? Is she doing it because she enjoys it or because she feels pressured? I would tell her that although you are not angry with her, it is not appropriate to have conversations like that at her age and that type of communication may only be acceptable between adults who love and respect each other.

If she is adamant that she likes this boy and wants to keep talking then I would tell her she can speak to him on the phone in the same room as you for 30 mins a day or have an allotted 30 mins where she can message him with you present. After the time is up, then electronics are removed again. I would also let her know that this won't be forever, just until she earns your trust back that she will not speak like that again until she is more mature to understand the magnitude of her words and what they actually mean.

This is just what I THINK I would do in this situation, having never been through it I can understand it's easier said than done.

Hope it all works out OP Thanks

Original poster
Upsidedownrightnow · 06/08/2020 00:20

The boy is a boy from school and I am certain of that as they were friends for ages and the conversation has changed into what if I asked you to be my girlfriend / boyfriend but then some of the other conversations are sexual (only in small amounts) but it's not what I expect my 13 year old to be discussing.

I know where the boy lives and I am thinking of going to speak to his mum, not to blame him but to inform her of the conversation between them and tell her I am trying to stop it my end and would hope she would do the same.

OP posts:
Embracelife · 06/08/2020 00:20

What is she actually saying?
and what is she actually doing with friends and boys?
Are they the same or is it just talk?
Locking her down will just make her rebel more. Sneaking out etc .
Then what will you do?

Talk listen and give her some freedom.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 06/08/2020 00:21

Have either of you met the boy in real life? Is there any way you can speak with his parents?
I dont have any constructive advice i am afraid Sad some of the overly sexual language i used as a young teenager makes me cringe so bad now.

But yeah no tik tok or phone or anything like that until you trust her. Maybe search out some safeguarding resources that might have better advice on how to discuss it with her?

I dont think just telling her off will work, she will resent you and rebel behind your back. Im hoping there is advice out there that will help her understand that this is for her safety and benefit.

thetimehasbegan · 06/08/2020 00:21

Just read your update, if you feel she has no self respect then I really think you need to get to the bottom of that. I was the same, I had absolutely no respect for myself and from age 15-19 I slept with absolutely anyone that would have me, let guys film me and sent nudes to anyone that would ask. It was due to really low self esteem due to abuse in childhood, I never really dealt with it until I went to counselling as an adult. Maybe if my parents had spotted it I could have received help earlier.

Absolutely not saying this is the case in your situation but I just thought I'd mention it.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 06/08/2020 00:21

Oh sorry cross posted

Original poster
Upsidedownrightnow · 06/08/2020 00:23

I had taken her phone away before and since then she has been sneaking around trying to find ways to message this boy.

I had told her that time she needs to earn my trust back if she wants her phone back but with her sneakiness I won't allow her to call or message him.

When I approached her about it this evening she was rude and not even embarrassed or sorry she had an attitude about it.

OP posts:
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 06/08/2020 00:25

Agreed with @thetimehasbegan

Overtly inappropriate sexual behaviour can be a sign of some mental health disorders or other neurodiverse conditions

Embracelife · 06/08/2020 00:25

Is she saying she wants to have sex with him? Does she know and understand what it means and risks of pregnancy?
Can you talk openly with her?

Original poster
Upsidedownrightnow · 06/08/2020 00:27

What I meant was the way she is messaging this boy seems as though she has no self respect. Generally she does seem to have but i just feel like the language she is using doesn't seem great and she shouldn't be using it!

Honeslty this is just so difficult as I have already tried taking everything away and she is continuing to sneak around and lie.

OP posts: