Sexual language from teenage daughter to boys

[Upsidedownrightnow]

My daughter has just turned 13, I took away her phone and ipad recently as she was having conversations with a boy which were very inappropriate.

She had a brick phone after that which I have also taken away as she was messaging this boy again.

I had an old phone lying around and she has recently been using it to play music she said. I was abit suspicious and tried checking the phone to see if she has had any apps to message on and I didn't see any.

Tonight I caught her messaging on ticktock on the phone she said she was using to play music.

I have tried explaining calmly that she should not speaking like that etc, but she is being sneaky and finding ways to message this boy.

She is far too young to have sexual conversations and I am not sure what to do to stop her.

When I try to speak to her about it she is also quite rude, if my parents found out i was talking this way I wouldn't have been rude I would have been so embarrassed and worried my dad would kill me.

This now means she cannot go out with friends as she can't be trusted, I can't even leave her alone to do work on my laptop as I am sure she has a way to message this boy on there too.

The language is just so inappropriate and I am trying to teach her about self respect and getting no where. What can I do?

@Upsidedownrightnow ahh okay, well that is good at least, I just thought I should mention it.

It sounds very difficult, not looking forward to my daughter entering the teenage years myself 😬

Hope you get it sorted out

I havnt seen any messages from her saying she wants to have sex. Most of the messages are innocent and saying they like each other or talking about games like fortnight etc.

He once messaged her saying he is going to make her squirt then straight after told her another boy told him to say it (which I know is true from the messages I gave been reading) and other messages from dd to the boy telling him about a film and saying this woman was sucking a man's d**k

However after the squirting talk I took her phone away and explained to her that this isn't something she should be talking about at her age and how if a biy says something which is not appropriate she should make that clear and stop him in his tracks.

I did this calmly and was just trying to advise her. But at that same time I found out she messaged a stranger from a game online so I took away the phone and ipad and explained it was for her safety (many times previously we had the conversation about not speaking with strangers)

But since then she has been finding differnet ways to message this boy

Oh god that is vile. Speak to his Mother.

I would be absolutely mortified if my DS at 13 years old was sending messages like that to a girl. Please let his DM know so she's aware and can talk to him about it.

As for your DD, I'd allow her to carry on a friendship with the boy, but only under the proviso that you're in the room when they talk and have full access to all messages.

OP don't post any more of the messages. This entire thread reads as though it's been inundated with paedophiles trying to justify why they think it's ok for 13-yr-olds to ignore the legal age of consent and they will get a massive kick from detailed messages.
You need another chat with your DD. These messages could end up in front of her school teachers. We've had more than one occasion where inappropriate messages were reported to school.
You need to get to the bottom of where she is watching the films she's talking about and you need to talk to her about porn, consent and the law. There are websites that cover these topics if you need support on how to start the conversations.

OP, I would be worried, too.
My DS {adult} had his image stolen and used online on a dating site..It is highly likely that the ''boy'' she is messaging isn't who he says he is, but had stolen the image of a younger person.
Don't be afraid to be 'tough'.
Educate your daughter on the dangers of the internet {I'm sure you have already}..this ''boy'' is probably a seedy old bloke.
Ditch the devices and get a brick with no photos {is that possible these days?}
Stick to your guns...Don't be all wooly liberal about it...Paedophiles are a real threat.

Definitely grooming, the sexual,chat, and then straightaway saying someone told him to say it. Doesn't sound like the average 13 year old at all

But the OP has said she knows the boy and she knows where he lives?

@Upsidedownrightnow
Can you not put really tough passwords on your devices?
And adjust the settings to 'switch off' so she can't leap on when you leave the device to make a coffee or whatever...
Check her browser history, if she does go online [but she probably knows how to clear that]
I remember the shock of using my [then teenage] son's second hand PC computer and a popup of women [with attendant noise] blasted out of the speakers.
I was upset, and my parents were ''wooly liberal'' about it and said ''that's what lads DO'' I was like 😲..... but mobile phones then weren't like they are now...and with girls it is more worrying.

@thetimehasbegan
Yes, OP knows the boy, BUT her daughter has been messaging other bloke about ''Fortnite''.

Please don’t listen to some of the posts on here. This is not typical behaviour of a just turned 13 year old and you shouldn’t just leave her to it. 🙄

I think you’re right for taking the phone off her. I think you need some professional advice on how to deal with it if she’s not listening to you. I’m pretty sure the NSPCC offer help to parents who aren’t sure of the best way forward with issues such as this so maybe give them a call.

"He once messaged her saying he is going to make her squirt then straight after told her another boy told him to say it (which I know is true from the messages I gave been reading) and other messages from dd to the boy telling him about a film and saying this woman was sucking a man's d**k"

That actually sounds very much like what 13 yr old boys could do. They have no idea what they are talking about and this is something that they would pick up from some stupid porn site....

I would also be not worried that she has seen someone sucking a dick. It's part of life. And a lot of valid sites have porn ads on them (eg sites where you watch things for free), so it's not that hard to come across. Than again if she reads anime/manga, there is a lot of sex in those. And not the most realistic depiction either....

On the other hand it's really tricky. We chatted with our son about perverts going into chat rooms and wanting young boy's photos, info, etc and why this is gross and dangerous. This was a while back. A few months ago my son asked me about a new guy who showed up in their chatroom and he got weird vibes. And he was right, the new guy was a predator looking for prey. (I dm-d him in my son's name, lured him along until he asked for photos and postcode and to meet. saved everything, reported it. And talked to the kids in the chatroom -i know most of them- about it.) No harm done, and it could have been nothing, but how do you tell???

I think I draw the line with strangers. With the boy she knows... why not? They won't act on it, they are playing around and trying to figure out this thing that the grown ups do, but they have no idea about it. I think I would have taken the opportunity to talk to her about how hard it is to actually make a woman squirt, thus it being quite ridiculous. And ask her to show me more, so I can help her out in what is realistic, what is totally fake.

I guess the key is that I'd try to create a home environment where my kid wouldn't have to sneak around if sex came up in conversation, but would feel okay to talk about it and be open.

I genuinely wouldn’t ground her totally. Yes it’s inappropriate but I really think you’re being extremely heavy handed here.

I would keep pressing your views and values onto your daughter, until it maybe sink in. If she gets stroppy and rude, and goes sneaking around to do what she is doing, then she needs to be told about that as well, as it's bad behaviour all round. If it became a habit of any sex talk,it could fixate into how she thinks it's a normal way to talk to any other boys that she might meet.

Sort this out now or she’ll be pregnant in a year or two.

Move if you have to.

I dont want you to post anymore messages but were they the only messages? To be honest that is very tame (not the squirting thing but sounds exactly like the kind of thing a teenage boy would say with no real understanding of what it meant/intention to act on it)

This is one of things I’ve learnt since being a secondary school teacher - all children from year 7 upwards experience and engage in inappropriate things (Not always sexual) . But by year 9, Most children have had some sort of sexual experience (such as kissing) most of the time this crosses into messaging.

The fact is you can’t stop this from happening but you can educate your daughter and equip her on how to handle herself, dangers of sending nudes, being persuaded to do things she doesn’t want etc.

I see and speak to so many parents who insist ‘their children aren’t interested in that, they are more interested in x or y’ and most of the time they are just being lied to or delusional. It happens, it’s terrible that it happens, and I absolutely agree it’s horrifying and understand why you’re trying desperately to prevent this, but I don’t think it’s particularly new either - lots of people had sex in year 9 (age 13/14) when I was at school - not there is just technology involved to lay a groundwork before hand.

If those are the only two messages - a teenage boy talking about something out of his depth, which he has no knowledge of and only did so because of peer pressure (which you also believe is true); and your DD mentioning seeing a sexual act in a film - then it doesn't really scream of your daughter having no respect for herself.

You’re focusing on self respect, why? Having sex or sexual talk isn’t about self respect- don’t shame sex, that’s not going to get her to respect and listen to you.

It is inappropriate for her to be discussing sex with boys, but unfortunately it is pretty normal. Some of the 13 year olds in my school had sex by this point.
It’s disgusting to look back on the reality of it to be honest, but what can you do?

You can explain thoroughly the facts, without shame or bias the dangers around talking to strangers online, online grooming and how explicit conversations and exchange of images can make someone vulnerable.
Engage with her about the boy- it’s ok for her to want a boyfriend, these experiences are important and are very normal.
You’re not going to get her on side by constantly telling her she has no self respect.

You can use stories to really drill it in what happens to people when they don’t stay online safe- there’s a boy that was murdered- can’t remember his name. Google it, and show her.

If you want your daughter to never talk to you about her relationships, this sounds a good way to achieve this.

It sounds like she has met a boy she likes. If there wasn't a pandemic, they would be meeting up at school and maybe even dating? Why not sit and talk with her, find out what she likes about him, explore what a date might look like etc

This phone confiscating thing is just setting up conflict between you and blocking communication. Now it's Romeo and Juliet against the world.

@TheSunIsStillShining is talking a lot of sense here. The examples you give aren’t really that bad and it sounds like you are quite a controlling and micromanaging mum who will push your dd away and make her unlikely to ever confide in you at all. Sexual feelings and interest are actually normal at this stage And healthy- now is the time to talk about porn and how unrealistic it is and how destructive to relationships and healthy sex lives. Talk about masturbation and how finding out what you like and don’t like helps you have confidence in sex to not accept crap experiences that are for someone else’s pleasure only. Talk about trust- and how important that is for someone to gain and be worthy of. How what she is saying in messages could be taken out of context to make her look bad if she isn’t careful about what she says to whom etc.
In short accept that your child is growing up and becoming a woman and this is a process. She won’t waken up age 16 ready for sex and able to consent- this process starts now and you’re falling at the first hurdle tbh. Give her more respect than you’re doing by removing all privileges for just being a normal teenager- phone back, honesty in your mother daughter relationship and start discussing sex in an open and healthy manner.

@Upsidedownrightnow

as far as I am concerned there is no such thing as sexual consent for a 13 year old, she is too young to give consent.

inappropriate as in sexual conversations

I have also discussed with dd safety online and in real life, and have done for a long time but she keeps going against everything i have told her

Just to point out that she is old enough to self consent for a vaccination and for contraception. There are kids of her age who are sexually active unfortunately. If you look at all the kids in her year some will be very grown up and look a lot older, some will still be very childish and look like they could still be at primary school. You need to equip her for the future, so things like self respect and being able to say no, contraception etc. I know it might look like you are allowing sexual activity but it’s actually about prevention.

I think the conversation you have posted sounds like a pretty normal exchange between 13 year olds. He sent something as a dare, that’s very common - your dd talked about someone giving oral sex on tv - that’s pretty common too. If that’s it on the sexual language I think you may be completely over reacting and losing your credibility as a wise parent. I get that you don’t want her to even think about anything sexual at her age but you can’t police her head. If you are concerned I’d speak to the boy’s mother but you can’t stop your dd growing up.

She's 13. Were you never 13? I understand it's making you uncomfortable but would you rather your daughter was secretive or open with you? I was always open with my mum as a teen and even more so now in my pre-30s! I didn't get pregnant as a teenager, get any VD's or get classed as a tart at school! I was always sensible and lost my virginity at 14! I feel for your daughter in a way as she has to keep things from you.

That actually sounds very much like what 13 yr old boys could do. They have no idea what they are talking about and this is something that they would pick up from some stupid porn site....
^ this
I really don't think it's disturbing behaviour at all. They're 13, they've got to the age where they're doing sex Ed, they have an understanding of what sex is etc.

Regarding that your DD saw a film. Does she have access to Netflix?