Sexual language from teenage daughter to boys

[Upsidedownrightnow]

My daughter has just turned 13, I took away her phone and ipad recently as she was having conversations with a boy which were very inappropriate.

She had a brick phone after that which I have also taken away as she was messaging this boy again.

I had an old phone lying around and she has recently been using it to play music she said. I was abit suspicious and tried checking the phone to see if she has had any apps to message on and I didn't see any.

Tonight I caught her messaging on ticktock on the phone she said she was using to play music.

I have tried explaining calmly that she should not speaking like that etc, but she is being sneaky and finding ways to message this boy.

She is far too young to have sexual conversations and I am not sure what to do to stop her.

When I try to speak to her about it she is also quite rude, if my parents found out i was talking this way I wouldn't have been rude I would have been so embarrassed and worried my dad would kill me.

This now means she cannot go out with friends as she can't be trusted, I can't even leave her alone to do work on my laptop as I am sure she has a way to message this boy on there too.

The language is just so inappropriate and I am trying to teach her about self respect and getting no where. What can I do?

@jbizz I comprehend quite enough, thanks. As I said previously, the thing I openly admit to not understanding is the thought process behind someone like you attacking strangers on the internet and your inability to discuss something without personal attacks. If you think I’M the one looking stupid then we are still looking at things from very different viewpoints.

And for what it’s worth@JBizz there are plenty of people who share your opinion and have put their opinions across maturely and sensibly without the bitchiness. You could learn a little from them.

Oh my word. Has your daughter expressed being lonely or unhappy with her friendships? Why on EARTH would you be pressuring her to "make more effort" with the girls at school?? If she's managed to avoid getting sucked in to the hyper-stressful social games of early teen friendship groups bloody good on her. Why would you insist she gets into that world if she's happy out of it?

Jesus.stop trying to make her in your preferred image. Support her to be the person that she is. So she isn't a virginal giggling socialite. So she prefers the friendship of boys. So she's interested in sex. This is the child you have. Work with her to make her safe and happy. Don't fight to turn her into someone completely different.

I would ask her how she would feel if those messages were shown in school assembly with all the school present.

Any message she writes can be shared without her knowledge, to hundreds of people very easily. Not just by the boy but possibly by a friend of the boy if they have his phone. Also if the boy's Mum sees the messages she may (and rightly so if she is responding in the same manner) report it to the school safeguarding team and that means teachers or staff at the school will look at those messages. I would tell your DD that you will contact school.

Your DD is clearly enjoying the attention she is getting but it can come at a price if she falls out with the boy and he shares her messages. Has she ever seen any episodes of "Educating Essex/Yorkshire/East End" etc they show how friends completely fall out, best friends, girlfriends/boyfriends. Secondary school kids can be fickle, malicious and downright stupid.

@VeniceQueen2004

Oh my word. Has your daughter expressed being lonely or unhappy with her friendships? Why on EARTH would you be pressuring her to "make more effort" with the girls at school?? If she's managed to avoid getting sucked in to the hyper-stressful social games of early teen friendship groups bloody good on her. Why would you insist she gets into that world if she's happy out of it?

Jesus.stop trying to make her in your preferred image. Support her to be the person that she is. So she isn't a virginal giggling socialite. So she prefers the friendship of boys. So she's interested in sex. This is the child you have. Work with her to make her safe and happy. Don't fight to turn her into someone completely different.

Excellent post.

And from what's been typed here it isn't even mad sexual language. Its just immature ramblings that a sensible chat should solve.

@VeniceQueen2004 actually yes my dd has expressed to me on many occasions she is lonely at school and has no friends so I am trying to encourage her to make friends!

I don't understand why you would have an issue with me encouraging my child to make longterm friendships so that she won't feel lonely at school, and so that when they have to work with partners she isn't crying telling me she is upset and doesn't have any friends to be partners with. Or soemtimes telling me she doesn't want to eat lunch as on certain days she had no one to eat lunch with. I honestly don't think this makes me a terrible mum

@VeniceQueen2004 - why would you think I would be encouraging my dd to make friends if she was happy without them, you sound very rude 'oh my word' and 'jesus stop trying to make her your preferred image'.

Ok fine I will let her talk however she wants and encourage her to start having sex right now so she can feel liberated as a woman (even if she is a young teen and not a woman). I will also encourage her only to speak with boys about sexual things and never to try to make friendships with girls

I am trying to raise my daughter to have respect for herself and I want her to have friends (as does she) that she can enjoy spending her time with and not come home crying when she doesn't have a partner for school work etc.

@Upsidedownrightnow

I have also stopped dd going out to meet friends as she can't be trusted.

The thing that is very difficult is if she needs to use my laptop she finds a way to message. She found my old phone and used that.

I think i will have to hide all electronics in the house and she can only use the laptop if she is sitting next to me.

I am really struggling with her behaviour and now she is ruining her summer as she can't be trusted with a phone or to meet friends or anything.

I just want her to have self respect and the way she is talking I do not feel she does.

You have stopped your dd meeting up with friends but you say you are trying to encourage her to see her friends? How can she when you have removed all opportunities.

I don’t know the answer cos I was a messed up teen but I know a girl who was pregnant at 13 to scared to tell her parents and they found out wen she was rushed hospital at 22 weeks she then went through the hell of an abortion at 23.5 weeks I was also pregnAnt as a Young teen and my mum helped me through a very early abortion about 6 weeks apparently in the hospital in front of all the drs the girls dad starting screaming that she was a slag! So really try not to cut through your lines of communication with your daughter for when she really needs them

@Meangallery - now i have stopped her seeing friends, this is due to her sneaking around behind my back.

Before this I was encouraging her to meet friends etc.

Now she has no phone she cannot go out to meet friends as I would have no way of contacting her to check if she is safe or where she is etc.

@Harrysmum2020 - that is awful for both you and your friend and this is the type of thing I am trying to prevent from happening.

[quote Upsidedownrightnow]@Meangallery - now i have stopped her seeing friends, this is due to her sneaking around behind my back.

Before this I was encouraging her to meet friends etc.

Now she has no phone she cannot go out to meet friends as I would have no way of contacting her to check if she is safe or where she is etc.[/quote]
Why don't you get her to invite her friends around - make an effort to do something nice for them?

OP, are you at least starting to talk to her freely and openly? Just putting her on draconian lockdown isn't going to work. It really isn't. You're going to have to accept that she has emerging sexual feelings and support her in channelling those appropriately.

@JBizz I have no idea what you went through as a child or how you were parented.
I do know that local Safegarding teams consisting of School Nurse, Health Visitors, Safegarding Teacher, Safegarding Police officer plus other agencies depending on family history, don't regard this behaviour as normal and we receive MASH referrals to support the child and parents.

I can see he has said inappropriate things to her- but is she saying inappropriate things to him?

I would 100% be contacting his mother.

She is only 13 and that’s so young.

Does she have other interests? Music, sport, dance? I would be looking to develop more wholesome interests for her.

@Meangallery I would be happy for dd to invite friends round but as I said she isn't very close with anyone so I don't think she would - the reason I say this is because recently i have said why don't you ask such and such to meet up and she doesn't show much interest, I get the feeling it's because they arn't close friends so she feels abit awkward about it.

@DownstairsMixUp - I agree to me it seems insane that other posters are saying I should be discussing sexual pleasure and consent with a 13 year old. I do not think she is mature enough to consent to sex in a responsible way.

@Scarydinosaurs - yes she has also said inappropriate things to him. She doesn't have any interests such as sport or dance etc, she does go to a local youth club which she really enjoys, so although she is not allowed out to meet her friends right now I am glad that she can still socialise.

pointythings...did you read the article ? It merely reports what an internet "policing" site reported.Sending indecent images is a very serious matter.I suggest you do some research.

- I agree to me it seems insane that other posters are saying I should be discussing sexual pleasure and consent with a 13 year old. I do not think she is mature enough to consent to sex in a responsible way.

This is exactly how they tackle it at school though. They discuss these things to show children they have a choice and guide them to the right decisions.

Pretending sex and sexual feelings don't exist before 16 is what causes high teen pregnancy rates.

Pretending sex and sexual feelings don't exist before 16 is what causes high teen pregnancy rates.

This. I was on the pill and having an active sex life at 15. My Mum didnt like it, but i was with a responsible boy who didnt drink or smoke and nothing went on under her roof.

I cant remember how i was at 13 but i know at 14 my conversations were very sexual. Young teenagers are obsessed with it and you cant just brush it under the carpet.

I highly recommend looking up safeguarding material that tells you how to discuss this in an age appropriate manner for your daughter.

And 100% speak to the boys Mum. Is there a reason why you havent already?

petingo' I'd have read it if it wasn't a Daily Mail article. Every click on one of their article is money in the bank for them and I'm not going there.

But my point stands - one newspaper (if you care to call it that) reports what one Internet policing site reports - that does not make it true, sensible or even possible. Smartphones are here to stay. They are embedded in our society. We need to deal with them sensibly and keep talking to our kids about sex, the Internet and safety. 'Ban stuff' is the solution of those who are looking to the past.

OP, I'm from the Netherlands originally. When we did sex ed in secondary (in Yr 8, so about the same age as your DD) we absolutely did discuss pleasure (the difference between the male and female orgasm), consent, peer pressure, homosexuality, STDs, pregnancy risks, porn and relationships. The porn bit was mostly about magazines and films because this was before the Internet age, but the issues around the objectification of women were the same and were addressed.

There is a reason why the age of first intercourse is higher in the Netherlands than it is her, and why the teenage pregnancy rate is lower. Not only does this stuff get discussed thoroughly at school, it is also pretty normal to talk about it in the home. Bring it out into the open, take the mystique out of it, acknowledge the very real burgeoning sexual feelings teenagers have.

[quote Temp123999]**@JBizz I have no idea what you went through as a child or how you were parented.
I do know that local Safegarding teams consisting of School Nurse, Health Visitors, Safegarding Teacher, Safegarding Police officer plus other agencies depending on family history, don't regard this behaviour as normal and we receive MASH referrals to support the child and parents.[/quote]
This behaviour is normal and it should be normalised to speak to your mother about these things, not shamed. The OP has said herself she doesn't want to talk to her 13 year old about consent: that's extremely short sighted.

I was groomed and sexually attacked as a teenager and I go to schools (and have done for the past 10 years) with our local police force and others when travelling to do talks and help teens who might be in the same situation as I was.

The biggest thing the police I work with and the school safe guarding teams make a point of is saying this is normal to feel this way, however you need to identify the damaging requests and feelings. I have spoken to tens of thousands of teenagers (and tweens as in some areas they want to do the talks for all year groups so 11+) in the past decade, many of which have open and frank conversations about their feelings with me (and their school counsellors when doing small sessions) their current or past sexual behaviour and also what they are interested in. So trust me when I say more 13 years olds want to chat about sex than don't.

The OP has made this whole thing with her daughter shameful, telling her she isn't a lady for wanting to talk about sex, saying how she isn't going to teach her about consent or pleasure. It's very normal and common for teenagers to want to talk about sex, some more than others and some talk about it in harmful ways, the only thing the OP has done is made the whole thing more shameful than it needed to be.

Children discuss things they have seen and heard with their friends. At the teen age porn is readily available and unfortunately willingly consumed by many teen boys and girls. It's extremely damaging to make this seem like something it's not, it's teen curiosity which has been happening for decades (my mother for example went to an all girls catholic school and the shit they would chat about at 12/13 would make a nun blush)

She is lonely and has no friends. So you can see she might be ulnerable to boys or men showing an interest in her.

That s why you need to talk about consent saying it s for when she is older for sex and for any kind of touching kissing and yes conversation now.

No one said you should encourage sex only that you should keep communication open.
Shutting it all down won't help her confidence in herself.
Banning a lonely girl from seeing what friends she has wont help.

You say without a phone she won't go out but she could go out without you seeing. Even worse if she sneaks out...when this boy is offering her attention... Or do you stay at her side 24/7?

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