Sexual language from teenage daughter to boys

[Upsidedownrightnow]

My daughter has just turned 13, I took away her phone and ipad recently as she was having conversations with a boy which were very inappropriate.

She had a brick phone after that which I have also taken away as she was messaging this boy again.

I had an old phone lying around and she has recently been using it to play music she said. I was abit suspicious and tried checking the phone to see if she has had any apps to message on and I didn't see any.

Tonight I caught her messaging on ticktock on the phone she said she was using to play music.

I have tried explaining calmly that she should not speaking like that etc, but she is being sneaky and finding ways to message this boy.

She is far too young to have sexual conversations and I am not sure what to do to stop her.

When I try to speak to her about it she is also quite rude, if my parents found out i was talking this way I wouldn't have been rude I would have been so embarrassed and worried my dad would kill me.

This now means she cannot go out with friends as she can't be trusted, I can't even leave her alone to do work on my laptop as I am sure she has a way to message this boy on there too.

The language is just so inappropriate and I am trying to teach her about self respect and getting no where. What can I do?

I'm sorry this sounds like grooming to me. Who is this boy? I would be looking to move away/remove her from the situation and get her specific support. It's not just this boy if he's involving others and I'm guessing that he will want pictures/sex very soon.

I think a visit to his parents is in order too, they may well be shocked and horrified by this. If he even is a boy and not an adult paedophile.

@AnneOfQueenSables

It's mind-boggling that anyone would say safeguarding teaches people to over-react.In fact that comment shows how little you know about safeguarding. It's a deliberate slippery slope approach to undermining safeguarding, to framing DCs as sexual beings. It all sits firmly in the Peter Tatchell camp of sex education which ends in abuse apologism.

I think that says it all. This is a boy in her school - she's chatting like 13 year olds do, it's normal. Good time to have the chat about what not good to put texts, consequences of pics etc. Not to lock her up till she's 18!

Speak to the mother.

Everything your saying is correct OP it’s disgusting to speak like that at 13 I know I didn’t but kids are changing now. When my sister was 14 she had a friend that had already had sex with 6 people and she was quite proud of it.
It’s not right but I think it’s their normal to behave like that now.

@Vodkacranberryplease he is also 13 and OP knows him. As far as I can see DD and boy are friends and OP knows this.

I did this at her age. It was just talk and hormones. I turned out all right. Don't shame her about wanting sex to do advise her about the danger she could be putting herself into and especially the risk of sending photos.

I think approaching it as a 'lack of self respect' a 'bad impression' and that she's a 'lady' is sexist though. Her vagina doesn't hold her worth.

I think that says it all. This is a boy in her school - she's chatting like 13 year olds do, it's normal. Good time to have the chat about what not good to put texts, consequences of pics etc. Not to lock her up till she's 18!

13 year olds shouldn’t be talking about squirting. Ever. No excuse for it. Porn culture is creeping in to our children and it shouldn’t be easily accepted as the norm - because it certainly isn’t

@meangallery read my posts. I didn't say anything about locking her up. I said talk to her about porn, about consent, about relationships. Explain that those messages could end up in front of teachers in school. Explain why they're not appropriate. And find out where she's watching the movies with blow jobs.

You could give her a phone with apps installed on it which allow you to monitor the phone from your device until you trust her again

@CorianderLord

I did this at her age. It was just talk and hormones. I turned out all right. Don't shame her about wanting sex to do advise her about the danger she could be putting herself into and especially the risk of sending photos.

I think approaching it as a 'lack of self respect' a 'bad impression' and that she's a 'lady' is sexist though. Her vagina doesn't hold her worth.

Her virginal doesn’t hold her worth but her self esteem does and at this age the two are heavily enmeshed.

13 year olds are not mentally or physically ready to start down this path and it’s bloody odd parents are so laid back about it.

@LizzieBlackwell

I think that says it all. This is a boy in her school - she's chatting like 13 year olds do, it's normal. Good time to have the chat about what not good to put texts, consequences of pics etc. Not to lock her up till she's 18!

13 year olds shouldn’t be talking about squirting. Ever. No excuse for it. Porn culture is creeping in to our children and it shouldn’t be easily accepted as the norm - because it certainly isn’t

They are and they do go on and you can’t police their conversations, you can of course take all their tech of them but the conversations will continue!

If this had been a boy doing this he would be branded a criminal in here, yet when a girl does it to another child then she is a victim /groomed.

@LizzieBlackwell I agree that the sex talk and any physical action is definitely not appropriate for a 13-year-old.

She's not ready and yes it could be a self esteem issue. But the OP didn't say that - she implied her daughter had no self respect and should act 'like a lady' as she was ruining her 'reputation' and I think that's entirely focusing on the wrong thing. It's not that sex for women is dirty and wrong and something to be protected. It's that the girl in question is too young.

I just think it could make the child feel wrong and dirty for having thoughts about sex if her mum acts like she's some kind of reprobate. Acting on it is of course wrong at this age, but there are different arguments to state this with - teen pregnancy, it's illegal, grooming etc.

@Meangallery how old are your DCs? And why are you determined to downplay this? You seem to feel personally invested in trying to normalise this.

They are and they do go on and you can’t police their conversations, you can of course take all their tech of them but the conversations will continue

Well all I can say is if you know some children that are talking and behaving in this way then maybe you should inform a responsible adult that’s been through safeguarding, because that’s what they are there for - like the children’s teachers ect..

Maybe something in your past or past experiences make you believe this normal, it’s not. Why don’t you look at some online courses for safeguarding so you can learn the dangers and help your kids navigate away from it if they are still young. Also it will help you see there work that’s put in to it to help combat this as society really doesn’t think this is ok

JBizz Agree that at 13 if it's a boy of the same age it's not paedophilia but it's still illegal. And the language discussed is inappropriate.

I will say though - I once ran a kids summer camp. One of the lads who was ten was showing videos of porn to a couple of the other lads. This was years ago before all the laws came in about sharing. This lad is from one of the most dysfunctional I know.

So yes, young kids do have access to this material but it doesn’t make it right or normal

[quote AnneOfQueenSables]@Meangallery how old are your DCs? And why are you determined to downplay this? You seem to feel personally invested in trying to normalise this.[/quote]
Mine are 17, what are you suggesting about me being personally invested in normalising this - you think I'm a paedophile? I have every right to take a different view to you.

I'm not sure it's about self-respect - it could be part of it, but I think there is a lot more to it. It doesn't take much environmental incentives to behave that way, it's outright encouraged, and just getting around the tech isn't enough of a disincentive.

When my oldest was 13 and couldn't be trusted with the laptop, we used a desktop attached to the TV. Couldn't hide anything, but still had access when he needed it. We also removed browsers and put blocks on the phone so apps required parental consent and limited & monitored his screen time. It took a few tries, but eventually the environmental changes were more than his incentive to do so.

We also sat down and had long conversations about phone and online risks on the topic, personal (like them being screenshot, can't take it back) and legal. We discussed how low self image can be part of why people do certain things for acceptance, but not really connected the idea of sexual discussion to self-respect, more that awareness that once it's out there, it's entirely out of their control.

It took a couple years with this in place, he has said before he thinks it would be tempting if we just handed over all control right away, but we've slowly given him back more of his own access and tested where it goes much like we've expanded where he can go on his own outside the home.

@LizzieBlackwell

They are and they do go on and you can’t police their conversations, you can of course take all their tech of them but the conversations will continue

Well all I can say is if you know some children that are talking and behaving in this way then maybe you should inform a responsible adult that’s been through safeguarding, because that’s what they are there for - like the children’s teachers ect..

Maybe something in your past or past experiences make you believe this normal, it’s not. Why don’t you look at some online courses for safeguarding so you can learn the dangers and help your kids navigate away from it if they are still young. Also it will help you see there work that’s put in to it to help combat this as society really doesn’t think this is ok

Teens discuss sex amongst themselves - that's normal, they are curious and their hormones are kicking in, that's normal. There's no need to make it out to be something it isn't.

Teens discuss sex amongst themselves - that's normal, they are curious and their hormones are kicking in, that's normal. There's no need to make it out to be something it isn't

Squirting is not normal inquisitive chat. It’s straight off porn sites. Another indication that what’s is on those sites is being filtered down to children. Just like young boys expecting young girls to give them anal sex

Some 13 year olds may be talking about this but definitely not all do. And I feel heartfelt sorry for those that are.

As women we should challenge all language like that, especially round children. It’s misogynist and sets porn standards for children. Because at 13 you still very much are a child - even if your changing body is telling you different.

@JBizz so you think it's normal to be interested in a 13 year old?
Do you have kids?

@Meangallery it's not normal to turn a blind eye at 13yr olds sexting unless your a pedophile

Wow OP you have played it really, really poorly here.

When I was 13 (at a 'naice' all girl's grammar school) we were all obsessed with sex. OBSESSED. Because I was in a writerly sort of group of friends, and we didn't have access to actual boys, we were all writing what was effectively soft porn fiction and sharing it with each other. We developed a code so we could write and read it in lessons without the teacher knowing None of us had sex before we were 16, all grew up into respectable non-depraved members of society. It's just hormones going wild, it's completely normal and natural and in our day it was usually pretty harmless.

The main difference between now and then is social media, digital tech and the internet. I would be completely unfussed that she's playing at talking dirty (which isn't even what you described really, it was childish 'shock' one-upmanship). What I would be worried about is her committing it to a text which can be instantly screenshotted and shared with her whole class (for example). Or that she might be feeling pressured into this kind of talk by the boy.

Don't teach her to censor herself out of shame; teach her to PROTECT herself. Teach her that if she is uncomfortable with the way a sexual conversation is going, she can go to you - don't put all the responsibility on her to 'shut it down', give her support! Teach her about her right to impose boundaries, and to have those boundaries respected. Teach her about being safe on social media, both in a 'avoid the virtual perv in a mac' sense (although this is very important) but also in the sense of protecting what she might think are private conversations from public exposure. Teach her about peer pressure and to understand that her boy friends will also be subject to it, and to make sure that she doesn't end up being used to 'one-up' his group of mates in the sexual experience olympics. Teach her about sexual pleasure and her right to it, not to just be a vessel for male pleasure. Teach her about porn and the distorted image it projects and the unrealistic expectations it imparts.

Teach her. Arm her. Support her. Don't shame her and shut her out.

Read the article in the Daily Mail online today.Children under the age of 18 should not have a phone that can do more than make and receive voice calls.